Shortened Maker - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Isonmeh · 02-24-2007, 07:00 PM

Well, yes I was planning on doing some flash backs with some of the characters on their pasts. I will ckeck out your work and stick with it Mystery. For now, here is the continuation.

“What’s going on?” Selphia asked. Kurin took out his com-link.
“This is team 3. There’s some commotion at the main street.” He listened closely for a response. The com-link crackled with static as someone spoke,
“This is team 4, what’s happening?” It was Eunelys. Kurin had yearned he wouldn’t be the one to respond.
“Uh, we’re going to check it out. Sounds like someone’s received a drive-by or something.”
“Can you handle it?” Eunelys questioned tauntingly.
Kurin felt his temper boil. He looked at the com-link angrily and hastily turned it off. He looked at puzzled Selphia.
“Let’s go.” Together they ran through the traffic of oncoming civilians and an assortment of vehicles. Further down the road they spotted a crowd of people standing around something. They made room for Kurin and Selphia when they approached. Lying on the ground was a man bleeding, and kneeling over him was a woman dressed in white garments. She looked up to the two cadets.
“He was shot. I don’t think he’ll make it.” The man on the floor trembled under a mass of blood. He did not speak. Kurin knelt closely and looked at the damage. The woman was right, he would not be able to survive longer than a minute or two. He looked intently into the whimpering man’s eyes.
“Did you see who did this?”
The man simply stared back. Selphia prepared a healing spell but the woman in white shook her head.
“I’ve already tried that. We have let the authorities know about this.”
Kurin stood up.
“Do you know who he is?’ he asked.
“He’s a supporter of Seinman. See this arm band?” She pointed at a blue cloth. “It’s the Corthian insignia.”
Selphia looked even more confused.
“But this is Acoscia. It’s neither Corthian nor Teil. Why are they fighting?”
“It’s because the tension snapped from yesterday. It’s been like this everywhere.” As she spoke, a medical vehicle glided to the scene. Kurin’s com-link signaled.
“This is team 2 reporting to team 3, do you read?”
“This is team 3.”
“We’ve just received the message concerning hostile activity in your area. People garbed in all white should all be investigated for weaponry.”
Kurin looked back at the woman, but she was already gone. Selphia pointed franticly across the crowd.
“There she is!”
They broke into a crazed run after the woman. Up ahead of them the woman shoved her way past civilians and looked back to see them following her. She yanked out a machine gun from seemingly out of nowhere and fired several rounds in their direction. Kurin barely managed to stop the bullets from hitting anyone, and with the help of Graitus he leaped several meters forward and landed on top of her. Only a meter away a man in white slashed at him with a beam-sword. He was quickly disarmed and brought to the ground manually by Selphia. Another man nearby jumped from his land cruiser and fired deadly lasers with a repeating rifle.
It took only a few seconds for scores of random people to join the jumbled brawl. Some brought knives, some brought shotguns, laser weaponry, homemade grenades, machetes, some even brought mounted turrets on their vehicles.
People screamed and ran desperately for their lives and Kurin and Selphia were caught in the middle of everything. Shortly after the fight began Acoscia’s own law enforcements joined in on the chaos, trying desperately to contain the outbreak.
It took about an hour for the enforcements to take charge of the situation and bring the fighting to a halt. Kurin searched around for Selphia. Graitus tapped his conscience.
You do realize that this is pretty much your fault.
Kurin thought about it for a second.
Not really, the woman obviously was ready to rile up some people by killing that Corthian.
Still, you should’ve known that she killed him.
But she was kneeling right next to him! How was I supposed to know?
It was one of the oldest tricks in the book.
Then why didn’t you say anything?
I didn’t want to risk being wrong.
Lie.
I know.
At this Kurin sighed. It was strange- sometimes Graitus was absolutely sure about something and sometimes he had no clue.

Mystery · 02-24-2007, 09:54 PM

This part wasn't as well written, it lacked that grab the other chapters had, the uprising seemed to squashed to give any real value to it.

Isonmeh · 02-25-2007, 01:15 PM

I know, almost wanted it to seem funny, like peole just coming in with random stuff. i think that was the part when i was typing at two in the morning.

“Kurin!” Selphia ran towards him with a com-link. “Commander Xephula wants us at HQ pronto. Let’s go.”
Because of all of the activity caused by the fight, it was difficult to maneuver past people in order to get out of the main street and on to the road that lead to the building they were stationed at. Kurin could not help but wonder if he would be held responsible, as Graitus had speculated. He knew that if he was, the consequences would be brutal, especially if Xephula was the one he had to answer to. He shivered at the thought of Xephula disciplining him with her endless lectures and harder-than-steel slaps.
He noticed that Selphia must have thought the same thing when her face drained at their approach to the building entrance. Eunelys stood there with a smug expression on his face.
“What did you have to do to keep Kurin alive this time, Selphia?” he directed his question at Selphia but looked at Kurin.
“Quiet.” Kurin said with a cold look.
“Come on now. Stop. Where is everyone?” Selphia asked.
“They should be somewhere in the lobby. I think you should hold Kurin’s hand in case he forgot where that is.”
“We don’t have time for that kind of nonsense.”
“Well then go, new positions will be assigned.” With that he returned to his duty of watching the entrance. They passed through the hallway and through the chamber that opened at the other end to the main lobby. Cadets sat in chairs and couches while they were issued their new positions to correspond with the new activity that had recently developed. Xephula held a large pack of ice on her neck and shoulder; an obvious sign of stress and a potential temper.
When the two entered the room she only gave them a brief glance and went on giving orders. Whatever had transpired in her area had seemingly to Kurin caused her to be too tired to even scold them for their tardy arrival.
“Neil and Quince, you two will have to talk to Allber about what to do on the bridge. And lastly, I want you, Seryl, to go on over to the market place and retrieve Mr. Chalmer’s report and bring it to me. Don’t bother looking for Commander Gaintz, she’s negotiating with some of the council members.” She patted her head with ice tenderly. “And as I said before, try not to get into any of this political chaos. This whole situation has gone from bad to worse. You may rest if you like, but don’t leave any later than one o’clock.” Everyone then went about their business and Kurin started back to his room. He heard Selphia sigh with relief behind him.
“That was a close shave. See you later.”
Kurin nodded and made his way sluggishly through the hall and up the stairs that lead to his room’s corridor. Just as he was about to make the first step, Xephula called out to them.
“Oh, Kurin and Selphia, come here.”
Selphia eyes slowly shut and Kurin gulped nervously.
“There’s something I need to talk to you about.” Xephula looked at the two closely. “What happened to you two? You look like you’ve been given the death sentence.”
Kurin felt a wind of relief sweep inside him.
She doesn’t know.
“Uh, no, we’re just exhausted from the riot just now. That’s all.” Selphia nodded in agreement.
“You’re absolutely sure?” Xephula stared at them skeptically.
“Yes.”
“Alright then, I need you two to carry out an extra assignment. After seeing how you were able to apply your skills against the shell, I think you’re quite capable of handling what I’m about to give you. There has been a change in the way we’ve decided to go about this situation. You see, recent information from anti-government organizations have informed us that the council is planning on using us to help President Graham gain power over Corthia. So what we are using as a solution is what a certain rebellion group has proposed. They want our assistance in the capture of President Graham.”
Kurin at first was unable to comprehend what he had just heard. After a pause, it sank in.
She wants us to jeopardize something we’ve been working on for so long?
Kurin opened his mouth to speak but instead found himself silent and dumbfounded. Selphia, forward as she was, spoke first.
“Not to be disrespectful, but what exactly is that supposed to accomplish? Who else knows about this? What are the President’s intentions? What do we do if this breaks out another war? How long has this been progressing? And what the hell is the council-”
Xephula sternly raised her hand to stop the bold girl’s onslaught of queries.
“You will do well to learn your place, Selphia. First, let’s sit down at my quarters where I’ll explain everything.”

Sparx · 02-25-2007, 01:35 PM

I've read the prologue and i think you should kill it. That right, delete it and forget it ever wrote it. The prologue was very boring and i struggled to read it. Its not that it was badly written but its nothing but pure, info-dump which could be revealed as the story moves on. I'll read the first chapter when i get time.

Fictionfreak · 02-25-2007, 05:25 PM

I read-

1. Prologue
2. First Chapter

I just had to comment. Your story captured my attention very well, you have a very nice writing style. I like the way you describe things, and I really like your characters. The plot seems promising.

However the prologue could probabally be tweeked a bit. The prologue has important information that clears up parts of the first chapter. But it felt like you weres spitting out facts, it read like any boring newspaper, you need to make the prologue more of a story than a description. If you do that, than you have a great story.

Isonmeh · 02-26-2007, 05:53 PM

Well, on my original copy of the maker i will absolutley make sure it is kicked out. the reason it was originally there was to not have the readers confused, but i forgot that it can be explained throughout the story. maybe i ws just in a rush to get my story out in open air. I am really thankful and appreciative of fictionfreak's comments, because I was aiming for a nice writing style and havegood characters. thanks, and here is the end of chapter two.

Xephula’s quarters were no different than the cadets’, and was located at the very top of the building. When they reached it, Kurin and Selphia sat down in a strange couch that stood rigid on the cold tile floor. Across from the couch there was a wide desk and around the room there were tables that were covered with a various assortment of papers and hardware.
“Don’t mind the mess.” The two shifted uncomfortably in the rigid couch while Xephula stepped behind the desk and eased on to a wooden chair. Then she started sifting through some of the papers that lay on her desk. It seemed as if she had forgotten about the two cadets that sat on the strange couch. For Kurin it was nothing out of the ordinary, it was just the way Xephula was. After a while Xephula folded her hands on the table and lifted her attention towards the two of them.
“Before I begin answering your questions let me state the obvious. This planet is a mess. More specifically, Corthia and Teil are. These are desperate times. The actions we choose to execute can no longer be handled the way we would if we were in some sort of tea party to gossip. This whole situation, as you all know too well, is no tea party. No more useless negotiating. We have to take initiative and waste no more time in doing so.” She paused to let her statements sink in. Kurin felt the heat of Xephula’s impatience and stress in her words. Selphia simply sat and shuffled uncomfortably in apprehension.
“Commander Gaintz and I have discussed plans and have agreed to follow the counsel given to us by a nameless rebellion group located here in Acoscia. We’ve got to cooperate together to achieve the single goal that we have in common- stop the fighting. Now, we can’t do this if the council wants us to help Graham gain power. The rebellion group has been fighting President Graham’s regime for quite some time now, and they have been fighting because of the oppression caused by it. President Graham is even opposed by many in his own government and overall nation. More and more evidence of the President’s corruption has shown through the years, such as the incident with the Corthian gas supply lines. The rebellion has picked up evidence that show Graham planting corrupt workers in order to sever the lines and causing an explosion that killed thousands of Corthians. The rebellion has made an emphasis on the fact that all of the attacks were started by Teil, and that Corthia has simply acted on self defense.
This of course has twisted out of control and has turned into a war of hatred. The rebellion thinks that exposing the president will put him out of office and enable Teil to get back on track with out a corrupt leader in control. Capturing him before exposing him will prevent him from running and causing damage in hiding. The council will be dealt with after bringing the president down.”
That’s pretty extreme. Graitus casually stated his opinion to Kurin.
Well, these are desperate times. But you’re right, it does seem a little extreme and somewhat crazy.
I said it was extreme, not crazy.
Xephula was rummaging through a different pile of papers this time, and pulled out a letter. Quietly she took out the folded paper inside and read out loud.
“‘All plans require only the following necessary components: two or more able bodied and magic-trained persons. Instructions are to be given out at the following location: Two daisies ate forty frogs login port.’ That’s code for twenty-fourth platform at First station. ‘Commencer: The birds have been quite active today. Response: But the storm shall swallow them all.’” Again she fell silent and put the letter close to Kurin‘s side so he would take it later. Kurin felt uncomfortable in the couch, and stayed silent. “I know. You’re tired. We’ve had several casualties.” She gave a firm but sympathetic glance at Selphia, who bowed her head slightly. “Nevertheless, we must stay strong, unwavering, and focused if we are to succeed. That is UPC. Protection. We are protection. If not us, then who? Who will stop the fighting? Stop the corruption? I’ve given you the instructions, be at the station no later than at fifteen hours tomorrow.”

unionxyz · 03-02-2007, 10:43 PM

Isonmeh · 03-03-2007, 11:05 PM

I bet you're happy there is no limit to letters. don't mess up this thread like the last one. remember?

unionxyz · 03-12-2007, 08:05 PM

yeah at least im bumping it or else no one would look, come on folks, do youre crits like youre supposed to

Isonmeh · 03-14-2007, 04:51 PM

should i post the rest? everything's been quiet so i don't know whether or not to post or to pronounce the thread dead. just at least one answer will do. a few words only in response.

Mystery · 03-14-2007, 11:26 PM

Gogogogogogo!
Post more, I'm waiting.

Isonmeh · 03-20-2007, 01:31 PM

I'm sorry for the really long long long long long long long long long long long long wait. I WILL post later this day or tommorow. Please wait for me thankyou.

Mystery · 03-20-2007, 01:37 PM

Never stopped waiting

Isonmeh · 03-20-2007, 07:05 PM

Mystery, you're absolutley the greatest! I appreciate it, and here's the third chapter which later introduces a new main character, hence the name of the chapter.
Chapter 3: Julie Prata

The sky around Kurin was dull and gray, the opposite of what it had been the day before. The station was a large, open area where train rails sprawled everywhere. Not many people were in a hurry during this slow day. Kurin made his way down a stairway to a quad area lined with platforms. Selphia followed. They were both dressed in casual wear to remain inconspicuous among the civilians. She was dressed in light, hooded jacket and dark pants. Kurin had black pants with a large metal buckle given to him by a friend a few months before and leather jacket that had the collar lining of a white wolf’s fur.
They wordlessly climbed up the platform and Selphia sat down on a metal bench while Kurin leaned his back against a wall. They waited there for short period of time because a man in a blue vest and a foreign hat from the quad walked up to the platform and leaned against the wall two meters away from Kurin. Kurin didn’t look at him, but continued to stare forward and inside burned with anticipation. Selphia, as forward as she was, gave several quick glances at the man. Then the man looked up at birds darting across the sky.
“The birds have been quite active today.”
“But the storm shall swallow them all,” said Kurin. The man’s eyes darted around the station and without looking at them beckoned them to follow as he went down a ramp and off of the platform. They walked north of the quad to a narrow path between two buildings. They followed it and turned left at a corner. He lead them further and further from the main platforms and soon Kurin began to doubt. Maybe the wrong people intercepted the plans and placed a fake to lead them into a trap. Graitus however, assured him that the man leading them was no fake. He lead them finally to what looked like a private platform because there was no one there, and one set of rails lay parallel to a large metallic wall which was underneath of an overhang of the station complex. Next to the platform there was a great train with four cars. The man turned around to Kurin and Selphia and took off his hat.
“Name’s Wilkes. You must be Kurin,” he shook his hand, “and you must be Selphia.’ he shook her hand as well. Then he added in a cheerful tone, “Julie’s going to happy to see you two!”
He nodded once and stepped up to the platform and opened the second to last car’s door and yelled something inside and then ushered them inside briskly. After he turned around Selphia made a face at his strange cheer

Mystery · 03-21-2007, 08:51 AM

Kurin is dressed like Squall xD

And the only off part is "it appeared as a private station because there were no people around it". Felt a bit pointing out the obvious-ish.