The Machinist - Writers Forum

Garden of Kadesh · 02-14-2007, 03:34 PM

Deleted.

red lantern · 02-14-2007, 09:20 PM

Oh, thats good, I like it. Good use of scene without being over dramatic and you get a sense of his isolation/detached perspective. You can tell something is about to happen but you have given away not a single clue leaving it wide open, very nice.

LordExcelsior · 02-15-2007, 02:35 PM

I enjoy your writing style. Its very simple, yet descriptive.

I too, felt that some sort of climax was about to occur, but it never did. Quite honestly, after reading through it, I feel as though I have been tricked. Then again, I do not know if you plan on expanding this piece. If you do, this would make a great opening.

Garden of Kadesh · 02-15-2007, 06:07 PM

Thanks for reading!

To tell the truth, I wasn't sure if I was going to be put in the "File 13" forum. It was focused more on character development and perspective than on plot. Hell, it hardly had a plot

...but that's how I wanted it.

I'm not sure about the suspense you guys are talking about, that wasn't one of my objectives in this story...I suppose it's set up like something important is about to happen. The lack of plot probably brings that on.

(Edit: I noticed you live on Long Island Excelsior. So do I - this story takes place there.)

LordExcelsior · 02-15-2007, 06:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Garden of Kadesh

(Edit: I noticed you live on Long Island Excelsior. So do I - this story takes place there.)

Correct! I noticed in your story. It actually inspired me to list my location in my profile for others who live in the area.

speakerphone2 · 04-22-2007, 10:35 PM

...And then an 18-wheeler truck slammed into the restaurant.

...And then he had a heart attack.

...And then he realized the Asian girl at the counter was his long lost twin.

...And then he realized his shoelace was untied.

It is setting up to something. But you need something cool to set it up to.

Liffguard · 04-23-2007, 04:55 AM

I liked the way it ended. The way it seemed to just trail off fitted the overall atmosphere very well. My main criticisms would be these two sentences:

"everything became enveloped in the twilight light"

"By the time he got out, the time was 1:05pm"

Both felt a little clunky and broke the rhythm of your prose.

teej101 · 04-23-2007, 08:20 AM

Hi Garden

It seems a nice set up for something (not sure what though!). The name of the story, the word bleed and the sort of quiet calm suggests it may be something chilliing/scary

Please could you upload it onto portrayl.com so that it could be followed up?

Jericho's Downfall · 04-23-2007, 10:04 AM

...and then a shot rang out

damn it i wanna know what's gunna happen

i have no crit...this is great

but 105 PM should be 105 AM

Garden of Kadesh · 04-24-2007, 06:11 AM

I'm confused, where did all you guys come from? This thread has been dead for a while.

Anyway, thanks a lot for reading. Apparently it was an unintentional cliffhanger...I never meant to expand on it, but if an idea comes into my head, ill use this as the springboard.

I'll check out those sentences later liff. I hate clunky sentences.
(Edit: I made some slight changes to the sentences.)
(Edit2: I checked out portrayl...interesting idea, I uploaded this story.)

teej101 · 05-04-2007, 03:24 PM

Hi Garden txs for uploading to Portrayl

not sure if you noticed but someone followed up your chapter. I thought it was pretty good - at least better than what I was thinking for a follow up

Azmakna · 05-04-2007, 05:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Garden of Kadesh

I had this idea in my head, and I felt the need to write about it. It's a short vignette. (And no, it has nothing to do with the movie "The Machinist".

The Machinist

The bell had rung, and all the students of the high school had begun to bleed out of the flat building to load into the circle of buses that awaited them. It was a friday; one of the many identical days of frigid February, distinguished only by the aura of happiness the student body was exhuming - a happiness that only a prospective weekend could bring.

i like!

Eric, a senior who was able to leave slightly earlier than most other students, sat in his car and watched as the specks disapeared into the yellow vehicles. He liked to let them leave first, it was calming to observe everybody, like how a silent mechanic would admire a machine's moving parts. With all the people stowed away, the buses took off out of the parking lot and went down the highway in a line. After admiring the emptiness of the previously crowded place another minute, Eric started his Mitsubishi Montero and began to drive. Instead of making a right at the upcoming light, as the buses had, he made a left. Sometimes he did this. It went the opposite direction from his house, and led to the more urban area of Long Island. He wasn't exactly sure where he wanted to go, but that wasn't the point.

i know the feeling you are trying to create but i would rethink.i love what you are trying to achieve here, but it could be better, but i doubt i needed to tell you that

As he drove down the highway, he watched all the people walking on the side of the road, and wondered what they were doing, and where they were going. After several minutes of driving, Eric decided to see a movie, and started heading towards the nearest theater. The sun was beginning to wane, lighting the sky ablaze and enveloping everything in a twilight light. This was his favorite place to be - in his car, alone, with the world locked in the ethereal grasp of sunset. A traffic light at the bottom of hill turned red. It was always red when he got there. All the cars in the lanes next to him stopped as well, and they spewed heavy white fumes into the frosty air. The view from this spot was nice, it unveiled the long highway ahead, with the red and white car lights stretching forever. Both sides of the road were lined with shopping centers and fast food places, florists and funeral parlors. To Eric, everything seemed real enough. The cold chilled, the streetlights illuminated, the SUV's growled - yet at the same time, this soberingly clear landscape had the essence of being fake. It was almost like a lucid dream.

you let your style down here. needs some work. spewed sounds like the authors voice ?

The light turned green, and the cars lurched forward gradually, until Eric was at a good speed. He started to fall into a driving-trance watching the lights blur past him, and almost passed the turn into the theater's parking lot. He pulled into a parking spot, turned off the car, and closed his eyes. When he woke up, the time was 11:22pm. It was a good sleep.

i know exactly what you mean but it seems a contradiction even though its not... you make it sound like its as well known as 'road-rage' be more specific. chill, slow it down.

There was still time to catch a 11:30 movie, so he walked briskly into the theater. It was empty, with the exception of a bored looking kid sitting in the red velvet box office. There was only one movie that looked vaguely good, so he chose that one. After handing the kid the money, he proceeded to where it was playing. A man behind the long concession stand watched on intently as he walked by. Eric decided he didn't like the guy. The small room was empty, except for a young couple sitting together on the other side of the aisle. The lights dimmed just as he sat down. Eric was glad he was shrouded in darkness, away from the couple's vision.

strutiny?

The movie was alright. It was 1:05 when he got out, and he was feeling hungry. Among the many nearby food places, he chose a lonely little chinese food joint, and drove over to it. A tired asian girl sat at the counter, and Eric ordered some chow mein. It came back a few minutes later, and he took it to one of the circular tables that faced the highway. The noodles sent curls of steam into the air. A large dead bug lay upside-down on the dirty floor under his table, with it's fragile legs extended. As he ate, he watched the few cars that were still out pass by. It was a fine night.

tone doesn't seem to fit the rest of the piece: 'joint'? awkward

i can't comment on the story because i have no idea where its going, but overall a good style

TheNextOne · 05-04-2007, 06:25 PM

I think it's fine just the way it is, a cliffhanger with no climax. I agree that it should have trailed off the way it did. This is a really cool little glimpse into the life of one person, and that's all it needs to be from what I can tell.

Garden of Kadesh · 05-04-2007, 07:48 PM

Thanks a lot for the comments/critique guys. I fixed the stuff you mentioned Azmakna, minus the noodle sentence. I like my noodle sentence.