Sherwood:The begining - Writers Forum

amprinov · 02-11-2007, 12:49 AM

I'm writing this book about elfs... well I'm actually writing two books one about elfs and another about vampires. I'm further along in this one which is about elfs. This is the first chapter.
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Fawn reached over a large plate of toast to grab her school books on the other side of the table. She was in a big hurry to get to school, her alarm clock didn’t go off that morning and her cat, Felix, had woken her up. She had rushed to get dressed and eat breakfast before she had to leave. Fawn never liked school, in-fact she hated it. She had no friends there and she had always felt like she didn’t belong, not only at school but at home too.

She grabbed her bag off of the chair and headed towards the door. “Bye!” She called out to no one in particular. Her parents had already gone to work but she liked the idea of being able to say goodbye to someone before she left for the day. Unfortunately, last year Fawn’s ‘parents’ told her that she had been adopted. Even if she still called them Mom and Dad she felt even more out of place then she ever had before. She was starting to get really tired of being alone and feeling out of place. Fawn hated that feeling of not knowing where you came from.

The sun shined brightly that day as she walked to school. It was 10 blocks away and she had started to run afraid she’d be late. Mrs. Grant seemed like she hated Fawn and she had her first period. If she was late Fawn was going to get a detention and 10 extra pages of English homework. Fawn hated English almost more then she hated Mrs. Grant but that didn’t change the fact that she had to hurry in order to get there on time.

By the time Fawn reached the school she was red in the face and the palms of her hands were clammy. She still had to go to her locker before class but she thought that it could wait, so she made her way up to Mrs. Grant’s English class. Everyone was already in class by the time she got there and when she entered everyone looked at her. A few girls in the back snickered as she made her way to her seat, Fawn gave them a dirty look as she sat down and they immediately stopped. “Fawn, could you come to the front please.” Mrs. Grant asked when she noticed Fawn was in the room. “Yes ma’am.” Fawn said abruptly.

“You can lose the attitude, too.” Mrs. Grant said. The girls in the back started to snicker again and as Fawn made her way up to the front someone threw a rolled up piece of paper at her back. Fawn spun around quickly to see who it was and everyone started to laugh quietly. Fawn rolled her eyes and continued to walk to Mrs. Grant’s desk.

“Yes, Mrs. Grant?” Fawn asked as she looked to her feet. Mrs. Grant stood up and picked a folder up with her left hand. She shoved it in Fawns face and said “Take a look at this, come back tomorrow and tell me what you think of it.” Fawn looked at her dumbfounded. What does she mean? Is she starting to like me? What is this all about? Am I in trouble? Oh no! All these thoughts rushed through her head, Fawn took the folder from Mrs. Grant’s hands. “Is that it?” Fawn asked. “Oh and you can go to the principals office. They’d like to speak with you about something.” Mrs. Grant said.

Fawn turned around to see that all the students in the room were still laughing. She blushed and hurriedly grabbed her things and walked out of the room. As soon as she got out into the hallway tears welled up in her eyes, she slowly walked down the hallway and made her way down the stairs to the principal’s office. Fawn stopped on the first landing and looked out the window. A robin landed on the window-seal and was chirping a little song that sounded quiet familiar to her. Fawn sighed, the bird seemed like it was out of place too. Like a toy that had been taken out of a toy-box and lost under the couch cushions.

At that very moment, Fawn wondered if she was missed. She wondered if her birth parents were still alive and if they wanted to meet her. Fawn had wanted to meet them ever since her parents had told her that she was adopted, but her mother had a problem with it. When she asked her why she couldn’t find them she had just said, “I feel uncomfortable letting you meet your birth parents. What if they don’t want to see you? You’ll be crushed,” even after Fawn told her She’d be fine the answer was still no.

Fawn took one last look at the bird and then turned around and continued to walk to the principal’s office. She listened to her squeaky shoes as they touched the floor and picked up again. They sounded like a rubber ducky that was being continually squeezed. Fawn finally reached the door, she took a deep breath twisted the door-handle and walked in. “Ah, Fawn there you are!” Principal Whitehill said, “I’m glad you came, I was wondering if I could possibly speak with you?” He asked.

Principal Whitehill was a very old, very gray man. His face was as wrinkled as a pug was and his hair was as white as snow. His skin looked quiet leathery and was a dark carrot color. He wore a black over coat with a white dress shirt underneath. His slacks were tan and he had brown dress shoes on. He looked exactly like a principal should except for the tattoo on his neck. It was a tattoo of what looked like an elf. “Excuse me Fawn,” Whitehill said rubbing his neck, “Can I talk to you? Or are you just going to stand there?” Fawn blinked and looked around, “Sorry, sir. Yes we can talk.” she said even though it sounded more like a question then an actual answer.

“Very good,” Whitehill said, leading me into his office. “This way please.”
Fawn followed Mr. Whitehill into his office, closing the door behind her. His office looked plain and smelled of fresh paint. All that was on his walls that was decorative was a dark oak bookshelf filled up with How to books. His desk had a picture of his wife and kids and a rather brown looking dog. “Take a seat, please,” Mr. Whitehill said. Fawn sat down in the big black leather chair that had been placed in front of Whitehill’s desk.

“Now Fawn, I understand that you recently found out that you were adopted. Has this had any strain on you? I’ve noticed your grades are slipping,” Whitehill said. Fawn rubbed her right arm and looked down at her lap. “No, that was last year. I’m sorry, but I’ve been stressed out recently,” I muttered.
“Oh, well anything that your concerned about you can always go to the school counselor… you know that right?” Whitehill looked concerned. “Yes. I’ll be sure to talk to her.” Fawn said, even though she knew a counselor wasn’t going to make any difference. “Can I go now?” Fawn asked as she stood up. She left without waiting for an answer.

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Thanks for reading and please comment and give your opinion on what I can do to make it better.

mashowasho · 02-11-2007, 06:10 AM

Quote:

“Now Fawn, I understand that you recently found out that you were adopted. Has this had any strain on you? I’ve noticed your grades are slipping,” Whitehill said. Fawn rubbed her right arm and looked down at her lap. “No, that was last year. I’m sorry, but I’ve been stressed out recently,” I muttered.
“Oh, well anything that your concerned about you can always go to the school counselor… you know that right?” Whitehill looked concerned. “Yes. I’ll be sure to talk to her.” Fawn said, even though she knew a counselor wasn’t going to make any difference. “Can I go now?” Fawn asked as she stood up. She left without waiting for an answer.

There's nothing wrong with your writing, but I was expecting something a bit more... dramatic than that for getting summoned to the headmaster's office. Although, I guess we got the tease about the elf tattoo on his neck.

amprinov · 02-11-2007, 01:06 PM

Yeah your right. It wasn't very dramatic. It's going to get better in chapter 2 which I'll post on here as soon as its finished.

Aterin™ · 02-11-2007, 01:23 PM

Good work amprinov, I like your ideas. Don't worry about being real "dramatic" in the first chapter. Alot of times I don't really expect alot of dramatic things to happen just right off the bat. But anyways I like the story, so post us somemore.=D>

amprinov · 02-11-2007, 01:24 PM

Thanks! I'm working on the second chapter right now. It should be up either later today... way later, or tomarrow.

Crash_Tomas · 02-11-2007, 02:09 PM

By my first look at this, I thought Robin Hood. Cos of Sherwood...

lol, I looked forward to it, but this wasn't bad at all. Your style is great. One thing I didn't like, was the first line. Starting off with a name. All it was to me at first was the name and that's all. I hate that in stories, but somehow this kept me reading. I suggest just play with the beginning a little.

That's all from me~

amprinov · 02-11-2007, 02:17 PM

Do you mean the title? Because I was thinking of changing that myself.. lol.

Crash_Tomas · 02-11-2007, 02:18 PM

Yeah, the title. I suggest you change it...for idiots like me who would think Robin Hood.

well...yeah...I feel stupid~

MiloDaePesdan · 02-11-2007, 02:26 PM

Hmm. I thought of Robin too...

IMO things are starting a little slow, but this is a book so writers have a lot of room to set the stage and all that, so I'll wait. The way you've shown how Fawn goes about her day makes me want to feel sympathetic for her. And I don't want to do that. Lol.

Target audience feels like teens, people 17 and down. I get the feeling Fawn's naive and innocent about things. This what you aim for?

amprinov · 02-11-2007, 02:27 PM

Heh, don't feel stupid... I havn't even read Robin hood.. I think the new Title is going to be Fawn's Journey but somehow It doesn't fit.. I'll think of something though.

MiloDaePesdan, Actually yes that is what I was aiming at, for now. But you'll see as the story goes on she'll start to change a lot.

Crash_Tomas · 02-11-2007, 02:30 PM

Well...I'm kind of good with titles. So, maybe I can help a bit? From what I've read of this story, Fawn's Journey is awful for a title. The title shouldn't be so broad. It should be kind of specific, but yet leave the reader guessing why it's called what it is. By that title (Fawn's Journey) the reader knows what it's about.

I'd think of a place where she's going and have the title revolve around that. It would be more gripping, I think~

amprinov · 02-11-2007, 02:42 PM

Ok... How about... An elfs world? I have absolutely no clue.. maybe it will just come to me.

Crash_Tomas · 02-11-2007, 02:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amprinov

Ok... How about... An elfs world? I have absolutely no clue.. maybe it will just come to me.

That's usually how it works...I took forever thinking up my title. Child of Wrath is the basis thing, but the thing afterwards took a very long time for the 2nd book...the first came quick...cos I had already thought of it...

Good luck to ye, then~

BTW, just call me Crash.

MiloDaePesdan · 02-11-2007, 02:49 PM

Either leave it as it is or find a suitable phrase. You don't need a title right away--most people stick to working titles, then find one when they have the story done.

amprinov · 02-11-2007, 03:03 PM

Ok. I'll figure it out some how.