Comedy - Writers Forum

Geist · 02-08-2007, 03:41 PM

This is another comedy book I wrote a while back. It's pretty much just random stuff.

Why does it hurt when you don't trip well I'll tell you. Because you're only semi-intelligent.

Tom quickly got out of bed as the sound of gunshots rang through his room. He quickly pulled out his pistol and fired two shots in the direction the noise was coming from. But when he opened his eyes he found that he had just shot Heck. "Oops," he said.
"Don't worry, I put on full body armor because of what happened last year," Heck said as he sat up.
"Oh, that's good," Tom replied, genuinely relieved. Then he and Heck began to laugh at the mention of what had happened last year on Tom's birthday. Wait! Tom's Birthday! That was today. He was fifteen. How had he let all these years slip by? "Heck I have to do something amazing today. Because if I don't I can't say I did!"
"Um, okay," Heck replied. Quite confused as you might imagine. Then he looked at the torn up ceiling. He had been firing his legendary twin Uzi's in the air to wake up Tom, but apparently in the air and Tom's roof where the same thing.
Tom quickly brushed his teeth and gathered all his weapons. Today he and Heck would fight, Captain Celery and the Veggie harbingers of DOOM! The two quickly gathered Smokey, G1RL, Steve, and Fonzie. All but Steve had proved themselves in the Great Donut War, and where thought to be experienced enough to fight in this coming battle. Steve however was just learning how to fight veggies.
So the five set out for the caves where the veggies where located. The Veggies had been pillaging and raiding for several days. And Tom and Co. would make sure they met their doomed end. Or Toma dn his pals would die trying to make them meet their doomed end. But hopefully Tom and his buddies could pull it off without meeting their own doomed end. They began their journey in Tom's hover car, which was actually just a corvette with nitroglycerin for fuel. But before they could take off they crashed and had to walk. So therefore they had to walk the whole of the way, with G1RL talking about her nails the whole time.
As time wore on Tom and Heck began to contemplate using a noose made of jewelry and a tree to shut her up. But in the end they decided she might be able to talk something to death so they let her live. Then suddenly Smokey remembered he had a teleporter and used it. And it successfully dropped them in the Veggie lair. More specifically right in the jail cell. "Good going tubby," Steve said.
"Thank you, but my name's Smokey, not Tubby" Smokey replied, quite seriously.
Suddenly two veggie guards came walking down the hall. "And so, this hot hunk of broccoli came walking past an- heeeey, how'd you get in there?"
"We teleported here," Tom answered.
"LIARS! Torture them!" The big piece of Cauliflower answered.
"Heeey, you can't torture the Fonz."
"Oh beg your pardon Mr. Fonzie," the vegetable apologized. And then to his men said, "Don't torture the rodent!"
"Heeey, you callin' my mother a rodent? I'm a squirrel you numbskull."
"Sorry," the vegetable apologized. Then they dragged G1RL out first and came back several seconds later. "The clone talks to much, we don't need to torture her. And now we know why you're here. So we'll keep you in your cell. And since you're already in there you have obviously had your weapons removed."
And as soon as the veggie left the room the group blasted their way out of the cell and took out the entire veggie invasion force in only a few seconds.
So they teleported back to Tom's house, only to find a band of Arabian cow thieves stealing Tom's TV. "Hey, they're stealing your TV," Smokey said.
"Thank you capn' obvious," Heck replied sarcastically.
This however alerted the Cow thieves who began fighting our heroes. But fortunately a volcano erupted next door and the lava flow came right through the living room. And since Arabians can't swim in lava they didn't survive.
"Man that was fun, let's get some chocolate chip mint ice cream and some cake," Tom suggested. So the group went to Wal-Mart.
"Daaaang four hundred pennies for ice cream!" Tom said as he looked at the price tag.
"Well I have fifteen pennies," Heck said. The rest of the group counted up their pennies and then Heck counted up the total. "Three-hundred and ninety ten. Ah just off by one penny," Heck said when he was done.
"Okay, well let's get another penny. And I know exactly where to get it!" Tom said heroically. As if he was from a Batman movie or something.
"Where?" The rest of the group asked simultaneously.
"The fortress of the undead! That places is loaded with loot."
"We could always take one from the ground," Steve offered.
"Don't be stupid, that'd be stealing," Fonz replied.
So the group walked to the fortress and kicked down the door. A huge battle ensued with fighting, blood, weapons, and everything else.
After they beat the undead they quickly went to the treasury. Only to find that the undead had turned the pennies in for stupid papers with pictures of old guys and numbers on them. "Who in their right mind would trade pennies for these?" Tom asked. As he fell to his knees in despair.
"You alright?" Fonz asked.
"Yeah I just tripped over that board."
So the group walked home. But on the way they found a penny on the ground. "Well I guess the ground won't mind if we take just one penny," Smokey said as he picked it up.
But suddenly a huge earthquake knocked the companions down and a huge canyon opened and swallowed Smokey whole.
"Well that sucks. If he was going to steal from the earth he could've at least not stood on its lips,” G1RL said.
So the group continued until they found another penny. Tom stopped, "Ok guys, we're gonna grab it and run. Ready, GO!" He grabbed up the penny and ran avoiding all the huge canyons with his awesome skill.
Then they got back to the store and counter the pennies again just to be sure. "What? Three hundred ninety eleven?!?" G1RL yelled after Heck had totaled them up again.
"How does that work?" Tom inquired.
Then some guy named Norman Einstein* walked up, "That vould be vore undred and vun," he said. Then walked away.
"Ooooh, I get it now," Tom said.
"I don't,” G1RL said, "Those nerds are such show offs."
"I know, what a trouble maker," Heck added then said, "He invented algebra."
"And the A-Bomb," Tom added.
"Well if you look at it from a certain point of view he was a trouble maker," Steve added yet again.
"Alright we get it, the guy had to much free time on his hands and needed a hobby," Fonz finished.
So the group bought Ice Cream and put it in Heck's freezer seeing as how Tom's was in the bottom of the new Lava Lake Two, which was already a resort hotel.
"Now we have to find cake," Steve said.
"Thank you capn' obvious," Heck replied sarcastically.
So the group walked to the cake store. "Hi how are you?" The cashier asked from behind the counter.
"I can't say that I have," Tom replied. "But enough about Tigers I need a cake, it's my pet turtle’s birthday." Everyone in the room looked at him strangely. "Trust me, you have to speak their native tongue," he whispered to his comrades.
The Cashier just stared at them for several minutes. Then he slowly reached for something under the counter. The Cashier had special insurance in case a crazy person tried to rob him. The Self-destruct button.
"DOWN!" Heck yelled. And the heroes jumped out the windows. And suddenly behind them the building imploded which opened a black hole.
The heroes began to feel light and gravity bend towards the hole. "Run for it!" G1RL yelled.
And so the heroes ran, but soon the G-forces where just to strong and so they had to grab onto buildings, fire hydrants, and even leaves from the gutter to keep from being torn into the Black hole.
"I'm slipping!" Steve yelled as he tried to hold onto one of the leaves.
"Grab my foot!" Tom yelled.
But Steve could feel one of his .45s coming out of its holster. And he chose to sacrifice himself heroically for his weapon. So he jumped after it.
But then the moon got sucked down and clogged up the black hole. So the heroes where safe. Except for the fact that the only cake store in town was totally destroyed. "We're alive," Tom noticed with glee.
"Thank you capn' obvious," Heck replied sarcastically much like he did earlier. But suddenly Smokey came around from the backside of the black hole. "Smokey, How'd you get here?"
"I dunno, one minute I'm getting chomped on by the earth and the next I get thrown out of a transdimensional black hole."
"Well that's weird," Tom said as he thought over what the bear had said. "Well, now that the Cake store is gone, we'll have to go to the bakery."
"But, that's through the land of the vicious Llamas and Beans!" G1RL mentioned.
"Yes it is, but it's a risk we'll have to take for the betterment of mankind," Tom said heroically as the wind whipped at his shirt.
So the group set off. And no sooner then later they arrived in the land of Vicious Llamas and Beans. Then the ground began tempting them with pennies of all ages and values.
But this time they knew that if they took one it would lead through a chain of events, which would unleash a black hole.
Tom suddenly saw a Llama who was armed with a heavy assault rifle. He quickly ripped out his pistol and fired at the Llama. But unfortunately it used the matrix to dodge the bullet. And it returned fire, which tore through a tree trunk and knocked the tree down on everyone but Tom and Heck. And since the tree was on them they couldn't move and where stuck. I know what you're thinkin'. Thank you capn' obvious. Admit it, that's what you where thinking.
Anyways, so the Llamas called in reinforcements and Tom fired a rocket at them tearing through their oncoming forces.
The Llamas began using walkie-talkies to communicate and prepare for a flanking maneuver.
And as Tom prepared a nuke for launch Heck laid down suppressive fire on the Llamas. But suddenly a Llama got off some lucky shots and hit Heck in the chest. Causing chunks of his flesh to go flying.
"NO!" Tom yelled as his friend hit the floor. He fired the nuke, which destroyed the entire Llama assault force and incoming fleet. Then he lifted the tree off his compadres and went to Heck's side.
"Ah it's just a scratch," G1RL said.
"We would need a Holy grail to patch that up," Smokey said. And then suddenly Steve came out of the forest carrying a cup. "Hey look I found the Holy grail!" He yelled.
Tom quickly grabbed the cup and poured some of the water on Heck's wound. It healed up pretty quickly. And then the group continued on their journey without any other interruptions. And so Tom got his Cake and Ice Cream and ate it too.

THE END!