Buddha

Hi all,

I spent a little time in planning and then thrashed this out about 2am yesterday. Its about half of the first chapter. Please if you'll be so kind as to critique it for me i would be most grateful. All comments welcome

Untitled.

Chapter One


A sudden noise woke Shizen from his deep sleep. He rubbed his eyes whilst trying to figure out if the sound was real or from his dream. A familiar feeling of foreboding crept over him. He had experienced this feeling many times in his life and had learnt to trust that it meant danger.

Now fully awake, heart racing, he rose silently from his straw mattress, grabbing his katana that was propped against the wall next to his bed. The room was a haze of dark greys that quickly shifted into focus as his eyes grew accustomed to the night. Shizen crept across the tatami, negotiating the low-lying table in the middle of his room as he made his way to the door in the opposite corner. Sliding the rice paper door slowly so as not to make a sound, he opened it just enough to squeeze through.

He found himself in a familiar hallway, narrow and long turning off to the right about 20 metres ahead. A lantern hung above the corner and spread an eerie orange glow down the walls. He proceeded in quick, silent steps down the dark hallway till another sudden noise stopped him in his tracks. This noise was faint and barely audible. It sounded like tearing rice paper. Shizen’s heart nearly skipped a beat as he pin-pointed where the noise was coming from. He picked up his pace to a run as he rounded the corner; the door to his master’s room was just ahead.

The feeling in Shizen’s stomach intensified as panic began to set in. He did not know what was beyond the door but he knew his master was in trouble. He knew he needed to get there fast! It was very faint but Shizen could hear footsteps on a tatami mat. A vision suddenly entered his mind of two black tigers creeping up behind a wild boar. The tigers both leapt in unison, teeth bared, biting into the boar’s neck and torso. Dragging the squealing boar down the tigers ripped flesh from the boar till it went limp. The vision perplexed Shizen but he had no time to ponder it so he quickly pushed it from his mind. As he approached the door he leapt, gliding silently through the night air. He crashed easily through rice paper door, throwing splinters of wood outwards in all directions. As he landed hard on the tatami mats his right hand dropped to the handle of his sword and in one smooth motion withdrew the katana from its sheath. The blade sung as it easily cut through the cold night air.

He looked up and saw two shadowy figures, startled at his sudden entrance. Their bodies were covered in black garb from head to toe – only their eyes were visible. They were crouching slightly, both figures wielded short swords, the straight blades gleaming in the moonlight that shone through the small window above their heads.

Shizen glanced quickly to the right and caught a glimpse of his master; a look of pure terror was plastered on Naburo Matsuko’s face. At that moment one of the shadowy figures leapt and in an instant was upon Shizen. He tore his gaze back to the advancing attacker, watching the blade of his sword arcing through the air towards him. Shizen stepped gracefully to the side, turning his body as he did so. Just at that moment the blade sliced through the air where his head had been. The attacker landed behind him and spun quickly, facing off against Shizen, hissing through clenched teeth. But this time Shizen was prepared and as the attacker was spinning he brought the handle of his sword up and into his shoulder. Then, stepping forward he thrust outwards. The blade caught the moonlight and flashed brightly as it powered through the air. The point of the katana reached the attacker as he finished his spin and easily pierced the clothing and into his stomach in one fluid motion. Specs of dark red blood shot out from the wound, landing on the blade as far up as the hilt. The attacker’s eyes went wide as he felt the bite of the steel rip through him, the tip stopping as it hit his spine. Without a sound the attacker’s body went limp, his eyes closing slightly as his body slumped backwards, falling off the sword into a crumpled heap on the floor.

Shizen was about to turn to face the other figure when he felt a sharp prick in the back of his neck. Searing pain shot up into his head and down his spine causing him to arch his back. He instinctively reached up, grabbing the feathered blow dart and yanking it out of his tingling skin. He threw it to the ground in a rage and proceeded to turn to face the second attacker. But something didn’t feel right. As he was turning a wave of nausea overcame him, causing him to break out in a cold sweat. Dizzy and disorientated he stumbled forward, falling to his knees. Shizen knew he had been poisoned. Feelings of helplessness crept into his mind as he watched the attacker drop the blow gun and start to advance towards the bed in the corner. His balance was lost and he fell onto his side, unable to move. The room began to darken around him. Shizen managed to catch one last glimpse of his master, curled up in fear in the corner of his bed, the same look of horror on his face that he saw when he first entered the room.

The last thing Shizen heard was the blood-curdling scream of Naburo.

* * * * * *

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" ......nobody, nobody can eat fifty eggs...."

- reality bites

mashowasho

Reminds me of a sort of wierd Kill Bill/Bleach cross-hybrid story.

Heehehehee.
Interested to see what happens to the guy's master. Is he dead?

__________________

We can only learn so much and live.

Buddha

Thanks for reading....it does seem to smack of kill bill but i am hoping to make an original story out of it...planning it out somewhat has seen the story line gett quite complicated so i may revise the paln as i write.....and sadly yes the master had to die hope to have the rest of the chapter done this week, hectic week at work permitting.

p.s: i will review your work as u so politely asked, however can not do it now as i must go to bed (see above: hectic week at work)

Buddha

__________________
" ......nobody, nobody can eat fifty eggs...."

- reality bites

mashowasho

It's okay, it doesn't remind me of Kill Bill too much, and could still turn out to be a very original story. What I liked most was that you seemed to have done your research at any rate, what with describing the rice paper and the tatmi mats. It provided a good, clear setting.

And I like a nice gory fight-scene. Tiny piece of advice for ya, though: try splitting up those paragraphs a little bit so they're easier to digest. Also, it'll make the action seem more snappy!

I look forward to getting into your complicated plotline but I warn you I'm not very good with them! (I get confused easily.)

__________________

We can only learn so much and live.

MiloDaePesdan

'Lo, Buddha.

Mashowasho's right. You need to break up some of those large paragraphs at key places. i.e.

-----

Shizen glanced quickly to the right and caught a glimpse of his master; a look of pure terror was plastered on Naburo Matsuko’s face. At that moment one of the shadowy figures leapt and in an instant was upon Shizen.

He tore his gaze back to the advancing attacker, watching the blade of his sword arcing through the air towards him. Shizen stepped gracefully to the side, turning his body as he did so.

Just at that moment the blade sliced through the air where his head had been. The attacker landed behind him and spun quickly, facing off against Shizen, hissing through clenched teeth. But this time Shizen was prepared and as the attacker was spinning he brought the handle of his sword up and into his shoulder. Then, stepping forward he thrust outwards.

The blade caught the moonlight and flashed brightly as it powered through the air. The point of the katana reached the attacker as he finished his spin and easily pierced the clothing and into his stomach in one fluid motion. Specs of dark red blood shot out from the wound, landing on the blade as far up as the hilt. The attacker’s eyes went wide as he felt the bite of the steel rip through him, the tip stopping as it hit his spine.

Without a sound the attacker’s body went limp, his eyes closing slightly as his body slumped backwards, falling off the sword into a crumpled heap on the floor.

-----
Something like that. Action's better in smaller chunks/pars.

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ewok_109

The action you wrote is very very good, however, the problem would be that there is little context so it becomes hard to get really involved. I'm sure this might be amended as this is only a snippet as you pointed out, but for example it does become very hard to care whether Shizen or his master are completely ravaged by a couple of tigers, and why is he dreaming of this anyway. It could be an excellent device if we had more detail about the characters, but without this prior knowledge I just think of some lunatic walking around with a random sword dreaming of wild animals, who is he, what does he do, what does his master do, where is he.

If we had some affiliation with the characters the action becomes infinately more exciting, I would suggest that it would be better to start with a more thorough introduction of context and characters before leaping into the action, which is as I already pointed out, excellent. Simply for the reason that even if we do grow attached to the characters later on in the story, this particular action sequence is wasted on the fact that we are just confused and thrust into the thick of it, quite literally. I'm not convinced that hard-core action is a good way to introduce your characters; perhaps if you wanted to start of the writing in this pace you could use periferal characters instead, that way you could even kill them before getting to the meat of things.

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'Consistancy is the last refuge of the untalented.'

NightWriter

Hey Buddha
Finally got around to reading your stuff I love the visual style and great explanation of the surroundings. I agree with the comments made by everyone and look forward to seeing more. PS been reading your poems too. 'NICE'