Dreamkiller - Writers Forum

AtlanteanTapir · 01-30-2007, 01:36 PM

This is a new horror story i wrote, just started it. Please comment on how i can improve, and continue it.

Dreamkiller

Chapter 1: Nightmares

What time is it? Bark. Is it a weekday? Growl. Where am I? More barks, and a long howl.

I wake up with a jolt of fear. How long has it been since I had that dream about those, things? I shake my head in annoyance, and grab my glasses. The clock reads 2:30 in bright red. I turn on my lamp, and in front of me is a portrait of a dog, growling at me. Weird. I don’t remember having a portrait. Too many sleepless nights, I thought, as I walked into the bathroom. In the mirror, I saw a reflection with bloodshot eyes; a drooping chin covered with tiny pricks of hair, and ruffled hair, as if someone had gone through it, looking for something. I smirked at my reflection, laughing about the fact that I looked more like a devil than anything else.

I reimbursed into my thoughts, turning the tap slowly. I closed my eyes, putting my two filthy hands, looking as if I’m waiting for my birthday present. The warm water poured over my hands, softening them in an instant, my fingers went from numb to flexible, and the warmth spread all over me.

As my body started to awaken from its doze, I noticed the wall had changed colour. When I last remembered, it had been olive green. Now it was covered with smears and blotches of blood red. Seeing that made me wonder once again, how on Earth did I get a portrait? Wait, I never did buy a portrait, and isn’t that beast from- I snapped away from my thoughts, leaving the tap on, as I rushed to my room. Only now I remember, that wasn’t a portrait, it was a window. But it’s too late.

{::::::::}

“Good morning Mr. Rodriguez, I have a phone call from Mr. Do-”
“Yes I know, tell him to come to my office in half an hour.”
“Yes sir!” exclaimed the secretary.

Mr. Rodriguez was the head of his own private detective agency. His pay wasn’t bad, around four to five thousand a month. His full name was Dave Rodriguez, but the fact that he wasn’t Spanish or Mexican made him feel uneasy, since his name sounded quite Spanish. His parents were actually immigrants from Mexico, where they had met and got married; his father was actually Japanese, his mother a mix of variety of different races. Dave also didn’t like the fact that his office was only enough space for 4 people to sit into, and usually when a whole crowd of people come for one appointment, only three people were allowed in, and that had sometimes caused a lot of commotion.

Dave’s business was mostly open for any kind of case, but he especially favoured ones that were related to mysterious tragedies, or bloody catastrophic murders, or something to do with the unknown. Well, at least his agency was called “Inexplicable Investigations”. Dave never liked selling ads, but, rather than having T.V. commercials, he had a few billboards put around the area, and it worked. People were attracted to his agency as flies were to garbage. Everyday, a minimum of five customers would come up, and tell him about their miseries, their unfortunate happenings, and asked for help.

Dave had never gotten around wearing detective clothes, as in the “Sherlock Style”, smoking a pipe, wearing a plaid jacket and a plaid hat. Instead, he wore jeans, a simple fleece dress shirt, and never wore a hat. Nor was he a smoker, as he had no smoking signs all over the office. Dave had brown hair that was slightly curled, not too long, but could be shorter, making Dave look partially hippie.

One quiet morning, when only a phone call or two were made, a pair of high heels was heard coming into the office. The secretary asked the lady what she wanted, and the woman told him that she wanted to talk to a detective right away.

The woman was lead by the secretary to Dave’s office, and the secretary knocked on the door. “Mr. Ro-” “Come in.”

The secretary opened the door, and said “Do you mind having an appointment right now? It’s not booked.” Dave looked up from his newspaper, pencil in hand. “Um, uh, sure. I’m not busy right now, as you can see.”

“That’s good. Here’s Ms. Hendrickson, I’ll leave her to you now.” The secretary turned on his heel, and walked back to his seat. Mrs. Hendrickson closed the door behind her, and she took a seat.

“Hi, my name’s Nicole Hendrickson. I’m here to apply as a trainee.” Trainee? Dave thought. When did I advertise the need of an assistant or trainee? “I’m sorry, but can you explain why you want to be a trainee here?” Dave answered.

“Um, yes, I’m a university student at FSU, and I’m taking criminology studies, and I’m intrested in the field of being a detective, and since I live around this area, I’ve seen your billboard once-” Aha, so the billboards do work. “-and I want to know if you would hire me.” Dave paused for a moment. Sophie could see that obviously Dave was just pretending to be pondering away, looking more “professional” as people nowadays were all about looks.

“Sure! Welcome to the family!” Dave declared. “I’ll show you around the office! I need to stroll around anyways.” Dave got up, and opened the door, when his secretary, Mench, fell through the doorway. He got up quickly, and said “Mr. Rodriguez, Mr. Johnston’s dead!” He exclaimed. Dave was startled “Who called? Any details?” Mench shook his head quickly. “Goddammit. Well, I guess you will start working today.” And without another word, the three rushed out to the scene, locking the doors behind them.

((()))))) means i havent thought of a name yet. in this case, its the name of a university. hm....

Cefor · 01-30-2007, 02:33 PM

Hey! A good read, very interesting and mysterious.
Hope you post more a.s.a.p

Keep up the Good work!!

Cefor

Aterin™ · 01-30-2007, 03:08 PM

We meet again lol. The story's great; I've already got questions about this an that. Also, as for the university name, a friend of mine actually is going to school to be a Detective and he's currently at Florida State University. I believe that FSU is ranked pretty high up there in the Criminology Field, just a thought though..

AtlanteanTapir · 01-30-2007, 08:56 PM

Thanks! I'll put that. Say that she immigrated from us to canada, or should it take place in U.S.? me confused =P

what questions do you have? please ask if you do. i would very much like to improve on my story

P.S. she means the university student. thanks again!

AtlanteanTapir · 02-02-2007, 11:21 AM

come on, please, i need comments!

i will update chapter 2 soon

Quillpen · 02-02-2007, 06:33 PM

interesting idea.I look forward to reading more of you work.Nice icon.By the way I was wondering....what in the world is happening in the first part.Very cool but strange transition.

quignov · 02-02-2007, 09:50 PM

I have no constructive criticisms for you... I enjoyed it very much; I can't wait to read more ...

DabigJimdogg0 · 02-02-2007, 10:36 PM

Hey great story, just got one error you might want to fix

"Mr. Rodriguez was the chief detective of his own private detective agency."- kind of redundant, considering you told us he's a detective. Just a thought.

AtlanteanTapir · 02-03-2007, 11:40 AM

Thank you for all the comments!!

@2 Q guys: thanks for the comment!!! i might try to make the first part more easy to understand, but i was trying to keep a mysterious touch to it. I'll write more very soon!

@dabigjimdogg0: Thanks, i'll change that right away.

PAGEMASTER · 02-03-2007, 12:41 PM

Nice idea. Try to describe the first part a little clearer, the way it is now does the story no justice. Also I dont like the way Dave hires Hendrickson on the spot, he has no proof shes a student, also describe her a bit, her height, thin figure, maybe make Dave take a liking to her looks, that being a reason to hiring her.

Is this going to be like a supernatural story? If so view this: The Nameless House and read misericord on page one.

Nice story. I'll look forward to reading more once written.

AtlanteanTapir · 02-03-2007, 03:19 PM

Thank you!!!! I knew there was something wrong about the end there, it was a bit abrupt giving hendrickson the job...

mashowasho · 02-03-2007, 07:42 PM

Woah, what was the first bit all about?
That was way cool.

AtlanteanTapir · 02-04-2007, 11:11 AM

eh... i should explain it better.... editing, done by tonight~!!!!!! the first part would be more detailed

AtlanteanTapir · 02-06-2007, 04:16 PM

going to reupload my edited first chapter in a few hours. thanks

AtlanteanTapir · 02-08-2007, 08:51 PM

please critique~! i will post next part in a few minutes