Black Sun Rising--Prologue - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Danny77 · 04-30-2007, 04:44 PM

Kira! It has been a long time! Glad to see your still around, and I look forward to your critique

How goes fractured? Got anything you want me to look at just give me a link.

Kira the wanderer · 05-01-2007, 07:26 AM

Quote:

Another clamor of hurrahs issued from the people.

I'm not sure about using "hurrahs" there. I like the word and it is well used, however to me it makes the situation at hand a bit lighthearted. When I think of "hurrahs" I think of happy excitement, not applied to a serious occassion though. Its probably just me, but that word stuck out.

Quote:

“Halt! Nihilists of the peace, remove your arms, drop to the ground, and give up!”

"Give up" seems childish. If this is a commanding order, I would think it would sound more commanding if you used a word with more powers, such as "surrender", "resign", or even "retire". The use of "give up" seems degrading to absolute power.

Quote:

He was shot down, with several others, before they had made it halfway.

I saw that coming. A tad bit abrupt, don't you think? I'd like to see a little more detail on that. Like the sound of shot, the look on the youth's face as he fell or realized his fate, perhaps the desperation he and the others expressed in their last moments, before getting only close to halfway to escape.

Quote:

That only seemed to ignite the situation, as the crowd soon began running in all directions, screaming as if being chased by a ghost. Those that didn’t surrender were ruthlessly gunned down, their blood pooling below their still bodies.

Also, that kind of just happens. Its very straight out and instant, with less emotion behind these words if any. Very tell-tell for sure, leaving little to the imagination. Which is fine, just in this particular case it actually makes it seem like organized chaos.

Quote:

Fye’s shoulder length hair blew in the wind as he slowly turned around, like a man looking back one last time just before leaving home.

That seems overpacked with detail, making the description not as smooth as before. Its less flowing, I would describe the length of the hair later on. That "shoulder length" bit is distracting.

Quote:

Yaemon winced at the sound Fye’s body made as it slumped to the ground, yet still he did not move.

Nice and gruesome. I like this bit. Yet, I think it would read better if it was more of a "showing" sentence than a "telling" sentence. Something along the lines of having the body fall, describe with simple detail on sound, then Yaemon's reaction.

Even in the coldness of the eve, sweat dripped down his face, while his brown hair looked scruffy and untamed from the mask.

Quote:

He laughed as he finished, but his smile quickly vanished, like smoke in a brisk wind.

I love that line. Really good image.

Quote:

People still screamed in the background, while the drone circled above.

I didn't care for this line. It seemed redundant, less cared for in description than the previous sentence. Like it was rushed.

Quote:

Yaemon shouted as he fell to the ground. Clutching his knee and grinding his teeth, the older soldier refused give the assailant his satisfaction, and was silent in his pain.

Aren't these two line a bit contradicting?

Quote:

Still clutching his knee, the last thing Yaemon D’Yaros heard was a shout for freedom, then all went dark.

Then all went dark.... Nice ending, bad cliche.

Well I definately enjoyed this peice, and as you can see I had little to nitpick. I would like to see more description in certain areas and less in others. Some of your lines have redundant information which give the flow of the words a sloppy feeling, all muddled up in a quick attempt to wow the reader. I would take a look at what's excess and whatr is lacking. just a quick look, nothing big really.

Some things I would like to see are descriptions on the drone, weather, a bit more on locations, and some expressions. nothing facial, but more coming from the heart and emotion with each character. I'm looking forward to more.

As for me, I haven't written anything on Fractured in about a year. Just what i have in my signature. Its not dead, just on temporary hiatus. I want to go with a new direction on it and I'm planning out my options, while working on something else that has had my special attention for a while. That story will surface here, but only in the writer's workshop and not much. I'll link you if you'll have me, when the time comes for that one.

How are you? What's become of your other stories?

Danny77 · 05-01-2007, 10:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kira the wanderer

I'm not sure about using "hurrahs" there. I like the word and it is well used, however to me it makes the situation at hand a bit lighthearted. When I think of "hurrahs" I think of happy excitement, not applied to a serious occassion though. Its probably just me, but that word stuck out.

Good point, but I just cant seem to think of a better word, so I'll leave it (for now, anyway)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kira the wanderer

"Give up" seems childish.

Agreed. Surrender is much better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kira the wanderer

I saw that coming. A tad bit abrupt, don't you think? I'd like to see a little more detail on that.

Advice taken.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kira the wanderer

Also, that kind of just happens. Its very straight out and instant, with less emotion behind these words if any. Very tell-tell for sure, leaving little to the imagination. Which is fine, just in this particular case it actually makes it seem like organized chaos.

And here too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kira the wanderer

That seems overpacked with detail, making the description not as smooth as before. Its less flowing, I would describe the length of the hair later on. That "shoulder length" bit is distracting.

eh, I like it. Could just be me tho

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kira the wanderer

Nice and gruesome. I like this bit. Yet, I think it would read better if it was more of a "showing" sentence than a "telling" sentence.

Funny you should say that. When I first wrote this it was a 'showing' bit, but I liked the idea of showing his death kinda through Yaemon's perspective. I dunno, just seemed different than the normal way of going about it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kira the wanderer

Even in the coldness of the eve, sweat dripped down his face, while his brown hair looked scruffy and untamed from the mask.

There was nothing to go along with this? A critique forgotten perhaps?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kira the wanderer

I didn't care for this line. It seemed redundant, less cared for in description than the previous sentence. Like it was rushed.

I changed it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kira the wanderer

Aren't these two line a bit contradicting?

Kinda. The first one he couldnt help, but after that he toughed it out, sorta. Either way, I fixed it so it's more clear.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kira the wanderer

Then all went dark.... Nice ending, bad cliche.

Agreed. Unfortunately, theres not much I can do about it. I can't tell you why, so you'll just have to trust me

As always, thanks for taking the time to read and give a nice in depth critique! Much appreciated! And yes, if you ever have something you want me to critique, just let me know. I dont come around the forums much anymore, but when I do Ill make sure to check my inbox.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kira the wanderer

How are you? What's become of your other stories?

Me? Busy as always, but doing pretty good. Class is almost out for summer, woot! As for Imriel's Dawn and the trilogy...

I, at least for now, have given up on queerying agents for Imriel's Dawn as of about christmas time. After 30+ rejections, I've lost some of my will. Despite having several encouraging responses (although it could have been just a form draft [though they at least addressed me as 'danny' instead of 'author]), and one agent who requested a partial manuscript, I think that trying to get a trilogy published as a first timer is next to impossible, especially when the first book is borderline stand alone.

Oh well. Defiance, the second book, is complete (though Im sure it could use some good editing), and The Scars of Destiny had only started, when it got cut off by a story that refused to be ignored until it was written out...

So here I am, on the verge of trying to get BSR published. Odds are always against me, but at least this book is much more 'publisheable', or commercial. Crazier things have happened, so who knows

WriteStuff · 05-02-2007, 04:58 PM

I liked it a lot. The only problems that I saw were comma problems and a few left out words like "to". (Commas as in: "freedom, then all went dark." should be: "freedom and then all went dark.") I have the same kinds of problems. Good luck getting this published. It's really good so far.

Akroma · 05-03-2007, 11:30 AM

Well! That actually almost brought tears to my eyes...or maybe it's just me being tired and emotional lol. Seriously, Yaemon (LOVE the name by the way) was working the crowd to a climax, he was finally winning them over when, BOOM it's ruined in a sudden explosion of chaos.

Quote:

Fye’s shoulder length hair blew in the wind as he slowly turned around, like a man looking back one last time just before leaving home. What he saw was the inside of a gun barrel. It’s so dark, he thought, and so bleak.

Yaemon winced at the sound Fye’s body made as it slumped to the ground, yet still he did not move. His hands gripped the railing while his knuckles turned white with helpless anger.

This bit really got me. Very emotional *sigh* Well for my part I think it's awesome! And even though it looks as if Yaemon D'Yaros is very dead right now, I hope we'll be hearing more about him because he has too cool a name to be dead!

Danny77 · 05-03-2007, 04:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Akroma

I hope we'll be hearing more about him because he has too cool a name to be dead!

lol!

Thanks for the wonderful compliments! I'm so glad you liked it (and that particular peice you referenced!)

If you want, I'd love it if you took a look at the next segments (their in my sig) and told me what you think. Also, if there's anything I can critique of yours I'd be more than happy to.

Kira the wanderer · 05-07-2007, 10:25 AM

I'm sorry about that, I really love Imerial's Dawn. However, 30 rejections isn't a lot from what I've heard-- especially for an unpublished. What about that partial manuscript? Sounds pretty promising, if not anything a huge compliment. How far are you on Dark Sun Rising, as of now? To think about getting it published too soon into the game would be foolhardy.

Yes, about that random missing critique, I did accidentally delete it. I just wanted to say that I loved that tidbit about a mask. Very good, made me grin.

Danny77 · 05-07-2007, 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kira the wanderer

30 rejections isn't a lot from what I've heard-- especially for an unpublished.

I've heard the same as well...but still

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kira the wanderer

How far are you on Dark Sun Rising, as of now? To think about getting it published too soon into the game would be foolhardy.

Beleive it or not, Im done (well, I have to go back edit...but it is written). The craziest part is that I wrote it in 3 months...just one of those things that refused to leave me alone until it was finished. BUT dont let the short timeframe fool you. In my opnion (for what its worth?) and the few who've read it, it is quite good. In many ways better than Imriel's Dawn.

But we'll see what the pros think...

cat_smh · 05-09-2007, 04:45 AM

Its nice to see you and Kira posting again

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I'm sorry to hear about Imriel's Dawn, I really liked it. Keep trying though, I want to read it in print sometime soon

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There isn't much else to add critique-wise so I'll just say that I liked it lots and I'll read that next chapters

Danny77 · 05-09-2007, 05:18 PM

Cat, good to see another familiar face! And thanks for the kind words, (regarding both novels!) I'll look forward to some good feedback of ch 1