The Monster Hunters - Writers Forum

Shortstuff · 01-03-2007, 10:00 PM

Prologue

Screams of agony filled the air, piercing through the serenity of the otherwise peaceful night. Thirteen-year-old Wadrik Jetter could tell who these screams were coming from: it was his father.

Wadrik could hear the shrieks even through the solid walls of the building he was in. It was a restaurant, and he was sitting in a booth. He looked across the table to see his father’s plate, completely untouched.

Wadrik’s eyes filled with fear as he heard another yell, and he quickly slid off of the booth seat and sprinted towards the door. The restaurant was empty besides the cooks in another room, making food. He sprinted past other booths and tables; it was not long before he got to the door and slipped out.

He was instantly met with a truly gruesome sight. It was an arm, lying on the concrete in the cold, snowy night. His father’s arm. It had red streaks going up the side of it and at the end where his shoulder should’ve been, was a bloody stump.

“Oh my God,” he said in shock. He darted past the arm, wanting to know if his father was okay and looked into a nearby alley between the restaurant and an office building. At the end of the alleyway was a monstrous creature hunched over a body. It was gigantic in stature, at least eight feet tall. Even crouching, it was six feet. It had scaly blue skin with black spikes protruding from its neck leading down its spine all the way to its long, swaying tail. Its teeth were like that of a saber-tooth tiger’s with thick, crimson blood dripping off of them.

Wadrik seemed to be rooted to his spot in pure terror. The monster stood up to its full height, revealing the mangled body at its feet. It was, in fact, his father, eyes rolled inside of his head so only the whites could be seen. Both of his legs were missing, and bloodied bones that looked to be stripped of flesh lay next to the wall. Wadrik’s father was definitely dead.

Tears flowed freely from his eyes as he looked at the body. His father had said he was only going out for a breath of fresh air, but instead, this had to happen. But his sadness was replaced with pure fear as a low guttural growl was released from the monster’s drooling mouth. It was only about 20 feet ahead of him, and as Wadrik realized the danger he was in, he turned around and launched into a dead sprint. He soon became conscious of the monster, which seemed to be bored of Wadrik’s father, dashing after him.

He was done for, and he knew it. The monster was infinitely faster than him. He was all set to just stop running and let himself get killed when suddenly, a gold blur launched itself across his vision and at the monster. It landed on the monster, knocking it to the ground quickly. He then recognized the goldish figure wrestling the monster as Jag, his personal service robot. He looked almost like a human, only he had a goldish tint to his metallic skin.

Jag had the monster pinned to the ground, giving Wadrik the chance to duck behind a bush and watch through its small branches. Jag’s hand had morphed into a sharp drill spinning wildly. He lowered it close to the monster’s face. The monster grabbed the machine’s head and ripped it off, but not soon enough to stop Jag from jabbing the drill through the lizard creature’s face. They were both dead.

Wadrik stayed in the safety of the shadows behind the bush, his knees held close to his chest as he cried softly. Eventually, a passerby saw the dead monster and destroyed robot in the street. This man just so happened to be Wadrik’s uncle, and he spotted Wadrik soon.

Sadly, events like this one were quite common in the Earth of 2060. So his uncle did not have to file any reports or anything explaining what had happened. Wadrik’s uncle took him to his home that day, and raised him as his own from then on.

End of Prologue

faithless · 01-04-2007, 10:28 AM

Shortstuff, I think this is a good story. However, beware jumping into action before you have your characters developed. It is a common mistake by novice writers. Because this is a prologue, I would say the action is alright. The prologue is meant to draw attention. Just make sure you don’t jump straight into action in the first chapter. Also, make sure you give more detail to characters and setting in the chapters. This is a prologue, so it is alright here. With that said, prepare for my criticism. And be warned, I attack even the smallest details. Such is needed to become a good writer.

Quote:

Thirteen-year-old Wadrik Jetter could tell who these screams were coming from: it was his father.

-Used these correctly (instead of those). Good job.

Quote:

He looked across the table to see his father’s plate, completely untouched, before him.

-Consider removing the “before him” part. If the plate is across the table from him, it is given that it is before him.

Quote:

The restaurant was entirely empty besides the cooks in another room, making food.

-Here, as usual, the adverb does nothing. Empty means containing nothing. Adding entirely to it can not make it any emptier. It is redundant.

Quote:

He sprinted past other booths and tables and it was not long before he got to the door and exited in one swift movement.

-This needs to be broken into two sentences or separated by a semicolon.
Use: He sprinted past other booths and tables; it was not long before he got to the door and exited in one swift movement.
Or: He sprinted past other booths and tables. It was not long before he got to the door and exited in one swift movement.
-In this case it might be better to let the reader fill in the blanks. It is not necessary to say that he got to the door and exited. Even the “swift movement” part isn’t needed. I would use: He sprinted past other booths and tables; it was not long before he rushed out the door.

Quote:

Once outside the door, he was instantly met with a truly gruesome sight. It was an arm, lying on the concrete in the cold, snowy night. A human arm. His father’s arm. It had red streaks going up the side of it and at the end where his shoulder should’ve been, was a bloody stump.

-First, we already know he is out of the door. I see how you are using it as a transition, but you need to let the reader connect the dots. In some cases, it gets annoying to be reminded of things. It slows the story.
-Second, if you removed the “once outside the door” part, and continued in the previous paragraph with, “He was instantly met with…” you would be better off.
-Third, instantly is an adverb. Beginning writers use adverbs a lot because, at first glance, they appear to enhance the action word (the verb). In reality, they slow your writing down. If something happens, doesn’t it instantly happen? Instantly does not make it happen fast, or even give us the perception that it is happening faster. It is just a useless word.

Quote:

It was an arm, lying on the concrete in the cold, snowy night. A human arm. His father’s arm.

-Consider: It was an arm, lying on the concrete in the cold, snowy night: a human arm--his father’s arm.
It eliminates the fragments by connecting them with their subject. I have seen professional writers do it your way, probably for the impact the full-stop of a period brings. Your call.

Quote:

at least 8 feet tall… was 6 feet.

-To be more formal, I would use “eight” and “six.”

Quote:

It’s teeth were like that of a saber-tooth tiger’s, thick, crimson blood dripping off of them.

-I think it would sound better as: Its teeth were thick like that of a saber-tooth tiger’s, dripping with crimson blood.
-First, It’s is a contraction of “it is.” Its, without the apostrophe, signifies possession.
-Second, the way I formed the sentence uses less words and flows better.

Quote:

Wadrik’s father was definitely dead.

-Adverb. Can you spot it? This one kills the power of the sentence faster than the monster kills the father.

Quote:

Tears flowed freely out of his eyes as he looked at the body

-Adverb.
-“Out of” could be changed to “from.” Sure, it only saves one word. But one word per sentence adds up fast.

Quote:

The monster was infinitely faster than him

-Infinitely is an adverb. However, I feel that in this case it is alright. It serves to show the great difference in speed between the two. I think it does add something to the meaning. It earns its keep. Anyone else have an opinion on this?

Keep it up, Shortstuff.

Amber Leaf · 01-04-2007, 11:21 AM

think this is well written but could maybe be seperated into two parts and filled out a bit.

maybe it would be best to end the prolouge as he discovers his father. i think in the prologue there should be more information about the monster to create more of an idea about why the character does not react with instant anger.

good work though. keep it up.

Shortstuff · 01-04-2007, 02:49 PM

faithless: Wow. That was easily the most help I've gotten for a story and I thank you very much for that. I'll get to editing soon!

Amber Leaf: Not sure what you mean by saying the prologue should be "filled out a bit", but thank you for the other criticism.

Akroma · 01-05-2007, 06:24 AM

Hellooo! Wow...getting right in there eh? I think it's alright to sometimes start the prologue off in the middle of the action - it draws you in quickly and makes you want to read the next bit where it will expand on character...

But I also agree with Amber Leaf - it needs to be expanded on a little bit more. Fast pace is always essential in action scenes but not too fast. It was a bit trippy, too much like a dream...unless you wanted that effect. But at first I thought Wadrik's dad was in the resteraunt...then he's outside in an ally with a huge beast over him. It all happened very suddenly. And a bit more description on the beast and the robot would be cool.

You've got a good concept going. Keep at it I wanna see what happens!

SP McPherson · 01-06-2007, 09:32 PM

SS, my man!

You know I like the story.

Just waiting for Raif to show up...

Walt · 01-06-2007, 11:05 PM

SS, great to see ya here. I'm waiting to see Tarhoon... if you included him in the story...

SP McPherson · 01-07-2007, 01:09 PM

He said he included everyone from the RP....