Child of Wrath- The Shards of Atherton - Writers Forum

Crash_Tomas · 12-27-2006, 09:53 PM

This is the first chapter of my second book, some stuff will be a little confusing, but it sort of goes over some of what happened. This is only the beginning of the chapter, so don't kill me~

Chapter One
A Great Escape

A jolt of pain surged through my cold body. I rubbed my hands together and tried warming my arms and legs. An unfamiliar feeling took over. I wasn’t just scared anymore. I was beyond scared and even further in the abyss of fear than I ever was before. The woman’s voice rang in my ears as I thought back to what she had said to me.

“Where am I?” I asked innocently, with no expectation of an answer.

“The Crossover,” the woman said. Her voice was soothing, even though my journey just turned flip-flopped again.

It has been so long since I first started out on this so called “Journey.” It is my story. The story of who I am. The Child of Wrath. Even after four years, I haven’t figured out what my name even means. Or, what I was even supposed to do. I shouldn’t say after four years, because I only remember one of the years. The other three had been torn from my memory somehow.
When the sun sets, I can see the horizon through a window on the other side of the room. I am caged like an animal. It gets cold at night, and in the day it’s not much warmer. You would think that if the sun was out with no clouds in the sky that it would be very warm. But, in this place, The Crossover, it’s as cold as winter.

I’ve lost count of how long I’ve been here. The first day I started to count, but after a while, I just lost the need. Each day the silhouette of a man or woman would come up to my cage and slide a plate underneath the steel bars. They never speak, only slide the food under and leave. I try asking for things, but they rarely give anything to me. The only thing that I have asked for, that they have given, was a pouch to fill with water.

My instincts tell me that my captors are the Prophets. Caddock and Daniel. The woman, who I assume is the Third Prophet, has never told me her name. She must have hit me in the back of the head the day I was taken here. The last thing I remember is being on the white horse Caddock and Daniel supplied. We were riding through the woods and once they stopped, I knew something was wrong.

That’s when I felt something hit me in the back of the head. I toppled over off my horse and collided with the hard earth. I looked up at Caddock and Daniel, then blacked out. When I came to, I was here. This cage. My new home.

I’ve tried escaping, many times in fact. I would close my eyes and picture my true home, Ocala. I would see the great kingdom, but the tingly feeling in my stomach never came. I also tried calling my dragon, Rekin. His picture also was clear, but the feeling that came to my stomach, was only of hunger.
Looking back, I realize that there were reasons for me not being able to leave. I may not know the reasons now, but I know they were there. Maybe if I think hard enough I can begin to unravel this gigantic puzzle. To begin is better than doing nothing. After all, progress is progress.

A long time ago, when I first started this insane journey, I remember everyone telling me to “Find your true self.” To my stupidity, I thought I had. Honestly, I was far from being who I was meant to be. Every time I thought things were going the way they were supposed to, they turned out to be the complete opposite. On a few occasions, things would actually go right for me. Things would go as planned and then fall apart in an instant. I was sick of being tossed around like a rag, all I want is to spend my life being who I’m meant to be.

The only problem with my plan is, I don’t know who I’m meant to be. There isn’t much that I can say about what I don’t know. I could go on and say everything I know, but that would do nothing. If there was something I could do to get out of here, I would take the opportunity with no second thought. My story, my life, is more than this cage. I would find my way out of that cage, if not, I would make my captors lives a living hell.

“Hey, you!” a man’s voice echoed off the stone walls surrounding me. The voice sounded vaguely familiar. It had been a while since I had spoken to someone else. I lay on the hard earth, my legs sprawled out and my back against the cold stone wall.

“What?” I replied grouchily.

“Come with me.” I saw the man slide a key into the door and pull the steel bars to the side. The door made an eerie squeak and made my heart sink. This was the opportunity I had waited for, and now I wasn’t sure I should take it.

“Where?” I asked cockily. Trying to prolong the moment and contemplate whether I should or should not escape.

“Caddock would like to speak with you,” the man answered smartly.
He held a smirk on his round face. When he smiled, his eyebrows went wide and made him look even more pathetic. He was a servant for the Prophets. My mind was made up then, I wouldn’t leave just yet, I would speak to Caddock and then get out of this forsaken place.

Without another word I stood up and wiped myself off. I smiled lightly at the servant and watched his smile fade away. I could tell he was frightened of me. His shoulders dropped a little as I stood up and I saw his eyes trying their best to not come in contact with mine.

“What is your name?” I asked persistently. The servant was a few years older than me. He wore a brown leather tunic with tan cotton pants and brown boots.

“Servant!” a blaring voice yelled through the eerie rooms.

The servant jumped at the voice and turned around instantly. A figure walked towards us, with one movement the servant hit his knees and bowed. The figure was sleek, a woman’s waist and a flowing dress. Her hair fell past her shoulders and her entire face was covered by a shadow. She came into the light and it revealed her porcelain skin. With kind brown eyes she looked down at the servant and with a few soft words under her breath the servant stood and walked quickly away from us.

“My name is Odette,” she introduced herself, “I shall take you to see Caddock. He anticipates your full cooperation.” Her voice was soft, almost mesmerizing. Her skin looked fragile and her light blonde hair flowed as she looked up to me. I stood about six inches above her smile barren face.

“Where are my things?” I asked as she began to walk away from me.

Odette stopped and turned to me, her eyes gazed into mine and for the first time, I saw her smile. She had a magnificent smile that made me smile, even though I wasn’t feeling very happy at the time. I was confused and angry, but not happy. Odette had an effect on me, that somehow made me feel better.

“Come,” Odette said and turned again. Her dress whipped around violently and brushed against my legs.

“What exactly does Caddock want?” I asked as I finally caught up to Odette.

“To talk with you,” she answered without looking at me. I walked beside her and stared at her admiringly. I could tell she would look at me with the corner of her eyes, but she was subtle about it. Her subtlety also was admirable, so I decided to let her think I didn’t know.

“Talk about what?” I asked, not expecting an answer. It’s a good thing I didn’t expect an answer, because I didn’t get one. Not even something resembling an answer.

“You are the chosen one, and yet you ask questions,” Odette spat at me. She stopped walking and turned to me. “You are supposed to be the one who will show us the way,” she continued, “Why do you ask questions, that you know don’t have an answer to?” Her voice became direct and harsh, honestly, I didn’t know what to say or do next. I was shocked at her outburst, and amazed at the respect she gave me.

“Wait a minute,” I said, “Just wait one minute!” I shook my head and tried to sort out what was going on. “I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I haven’t known what anybody was talking about since this entire thing started.”

“You are not the Child of Wrath?” Odette asked. Her eyes became stern and one was a little higher than the other.

“Honestly,” I began, “I don’t even know what my name even means.”

“So you are?” she asked again.

“It’s what everyone tells me,” I answered with a shrug.

“You still don’t know your true power,” Odette said. At first I thought she was asking a question, but she continued to speak. “Daniel told me about this, but I didn’t, and couldn’t believe him.”

“You can believe it,” I said, “It’s true.”

To Be Continued...Maybe...

Crash_Tomas · 12-28-2006, 10:44 AM

Is this too long? cos I've had like 10 views and no comments at all...

Crash_Tomas · 12-28-2006, 05:59 PM

Ugh...I guess I'm not a really good writer...

Devon · 12-28-2006, 10:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crash_Tomas

Ugh...I guess I'm not a really good writer...

Quick response.

Don't doubt yourself. I've had only a few comments/crits on my story and I've had more than 200 views. (Which I take as a compliment on my writing; no one has anything negative to say about it at least) I haven't read this just yet (I did get your pm) and I probably will. I've just been mentoring and reviewing a lot of other people and working on my novel at the same time, and *whew* it's been difficult to catch up!

Since you only just posted yesterday, give it some time. Someone will get to it and when they do, it will have been worth the wait.

Don't get discouraged, Crash. Really.

Devon

Devon · 12-29-2006, 07:28 AM

All right. Read it. You've seen how I critique, Crash, and, to be honest with you, there isn't much.

***
Overall I find this fascinating. Well, all right . . . I'm a fantasy buff anyway. But, setting aside this, the concept behind your story is very good. The protagonist is almost a reluctant hero, yet not quite. He's not knowledgeable enough of his powers (whatever they are) yet to refuse to use them, if he does. The language flows (with very minor jags that can be fixed) and descriptive without being overbearing. Characterization is done well and you haven't locked them into any one set way (which can be overdone through too much description). Both the plot line and characters have room for growth. Be careful of redundant description, though. Once is usually enough for a reader.

I was going to mention the tense change toward the beginning of the story, but it was well done in the form of interior monolgue as the main character was sitting and mulling things over in his cage. It's not terribly abrupt and I don't think anyone who's not looking for it will really notice.

***
Now, on to the other bit I usually delve into: grammar.

1. The woman’s voice rang in my ears as I thought back to what she had said to me.

“Where am I?” I asked innocently, with no expectation of an answer. I know what you're trying to convey here and I understood after I read it a couple of times, but to have the narration mention a woman's ringing voice in the main character's ears then directly follow with the main character asking a question can throw a reader off. I was expecting a woman (whoever she would have been) to say something. There's no correlation between 'what she had said to me' and "Where am I?" until you get another line down. It's not horrific, just a little surprising and I wanted to make you aware of it. Others probably will see it differently.

2. turned flip-flopped This sounds a bit redundant. Just having something 'flip-flop' means it's turning.

3. Even after four years, I haven’t figured out what my name even means. Or, what I was supposed to do. If you moved 'even' from where it is to after 'was' and connected the two sentences, it might flow a bit better. It's not bad as it stands now. This is just a minor suggestion.

4. also was These need to be reversed. His picture was also clear

5. for me not being able For me not being able to is how we speak. It should actually be my and not me.

6. captors lives Should be captors' (with apostrophe) lives

7. Trying to prolong the moment and contemplate whether I should or should not escape. As this stands, it is a sentence fragment. If you tied it in with the speaker attribution it would work.

8. You have quite a few adverbial dialogue tags, which a publisher would see as the mark of someone who isn't confident of his/her character's voices. Don't let adverbs prop up dialogue. Let the speech convey meaning instead.

9. with one movement the servant hit his knees and bowed. Not sure what you mean by 'hit his knees' here. Fell to his knees? Literally hit his knees first, then bowed?

10. The figure was sleek, a woman’s waist and a flowing dress. I understand what this means now, though I had to read it over a couple of times. The reader might be thrown off by 'a woman's waist' and think that only a woman's waist was suspended in air. (Though it couldn't be possible, the wording gives that suggestion)

11. she introduced herself You have this as a speaker attribution. You could shift it to the paragraph before and do away with the attribution altogether.

12. smile barren face. Again, meaning is ambiguous here.

13. Her dress whipped around violently Sounds like she whirled about really, really, really quickly. 'Violently' makes it sound a little too abrupt.

14. “Wait a minute,” I said, “Just wait one minute!” You do this a few times: when you begin speech, have an attribution in between with a comma following, and continue with speech, the continuation should be lowercase. If the attribution has a period, the following line of speech should be capitalized.

15. Her eyes became stern and one was a little higher than the other. These two lines are joined and might sound better if set apart from one another. It isn't the fact that her eyes are stern that makes one higher than the other. One's just higher than the other in general, right?

***
Crash, keep going. This is very good. People are probably reading this and can see nothing wrong with it. And that's good. It means you're on the right track.

Hope this helped.

Devon

Crash_Tomas · 12-29-2006, 11:03 AM

Thank you very much Devon, that helped a lot. I see what you mean about the attributions. I'll try sorting out what is needed and not needed.

You are really good at making people notice things. I would have continued without a hint that attributing to sentences sometimes can be over-used.

I really mean it, you're very good at being a critic. Maybe take it up as a profession?

haha~

Devon · 12-30-2006, 05:07 AM

Thank you, Crash. Honestly, I wish I could go into the editing field. Perhaps I'll look into it. And everyone can use a fresh pair of eyes since writers tend to grow close to (and essentially blind to errors in) their own work. Even my best friend, who is a fabulous writer attending Emerson College, makes errors and has me point them out to her. I studied creative writing and editing on my own to learn how to become a better writer for my own work, but my knowledge seems to help others as well.

I do enjoy mentoring other writers. Can't do it too much since I'm still working on completing my novels (hopefully a total of five) and raising one and a half (I'm expecting) children, but it's a lot of fun.

Anyway, like I said, what you've written is really, really good and I should hope you'd post more.

Devon

Draconus Nox · 12-30-2006, 07:25 AM

All i can say is it better be continued!

Crash_Tomas · 12-30-2006, 12:03 PM

lol, read the first one, it's called The Third Prophecy. Some things might be cleared up. Because this is the 2nd part of a series. I will continue this as I try and get the other published~

Devon · 12-31-2006, 10:49 AM

And so you're going to post more of this one when? *taps foot impatiently*

Devon

Crash_Tomas · 12-31-2006, 10:55 AM

I'll post more when I've written more. I don't have enough yet to post. when I do, I'll let you know when I've added it~

Walt · 01-02-2007, 08:49 PM

Mmhmm. I've been waiting on this one, ever since The Third Prophecy. Very nice.

Crash_Tomas · 01-03-2007, 06:29 PM

Here's an update...enjoy~

Odette fell silent. Something told me that she rarely was silent. She came across as a person who always knew what to say and when to say it. Her not being able to think straight was unheard of. I saw her try to smile, but it quickly faded. Instead, she shook her head and began walking again.

The hallways were all dark, small lamps lined the walls. They didn’t do much, but they were enough to keep me from walking into things. They were spaced about ten feet apart and every other lamp was lit. We seemed to be underground and walking towards an ocean. I could hear the crashing of waves rushing up the shore. The aroma of salt came and I knew for certain where we were headed. Elan’s lighthouse.

I hadn’t been back to the Crossover since Elan died. I’m unsure of why, maybe because everything happened so fast, I didn’t have time to stop and think. As Odette led me closer, I could see a light flash by through openings in the ceiling. I began to wonder why Caddock would use Elan’s former home as his own. Again, more questions and little answers.

A feeling came in the pit of my stomach. Not the tingly feeling I was used to, but something much more piercing. It made me cringe and cry out in a mixture of pain and surprise. Odette stopped short and turned back to me. Her eyebrow rose again and she tilted her head a little. I faked a smile, but she didn’t buy it.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Nothing.”

“It’s something.”

“Fine,” I rose my voice, “I don’t know what it is. It’s like someone is poking
me with a knife.”

Odette’s face went from one of concern and pity, to one of joy and laughter. She didn’t stop laughing and I couldn’t figure out why. I saw her eyes go wild with a kind of excitement and her beautiful blonde hair sway with each movement of her head. I studied her as another pain jolted through my stomach. I fell to one knee and held my hands over the pain. I wanted to yell at her for laughing, but the pain was just too much.

“Caddock was right,” Odette said in between laughs. “You aren’t who we made you out to be.”

“What-” I paused as a jolt came again. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Ha!” Odette shouted, “You say you are the Child of Wrath, but you don’t know anything.”

“That’s right, I don’t know anything. My hope was that you, Caddock, and Daniel could help fill me in.”

“Caddock will explain everything,” Odette smiled. Her voice changed, not a deepened change, but a very subtle change. Somehow, her voice lost its magnificence.

At the same time as her voice changed, the pain in my stomach disappeared. I wondered if they were connected somehow, but didn’t waste time dwelling on it. Instead, I walked ahead of Odette and showed myself where to go. I had had enough of following people around. Each time I followed, I was either betrayed or led somewhere I didn’t want to be.

“Wait!” Odette called after me. I heard her shuffled footsteps until she caught up to me. “Where are you going?” she asked.

“To see Caddock.”

“How do you know where to find him?” she asked with another raised eyebrow.

“I’ve been here before,” I answered coldly. “This leads to Elan’s lighthouse.”

Without another word I looked away from Odette and walked until the end of the dimly lit tunnel. A set of stone steps led up into a platform. A wooden door marked the exit. With three strides I was up the steps and standing before the door. I reached out for the knob, turned it, and pushed.

The door’s hinges squeaked and revealed the floor of the lighthouse. Elan’s lighthouse. The same Elan that died by my arrow. I had to see him die twice. Once when I was fifteen, and again three years later. My memories took me back to that day. Standing by Elan and seeing the arrow strike his back. I turned to see an older me holding the bow that held the arrow. I didn’t know
it at the time, but the older me had his reasons for killing Elan.

Odette ran past me, her dress flowing behind her. She burst into the lighthouse and stopped in the center of the room. She looked around frantically until her eyes fell on me still standing in the doorway.

“Well, you coming?” she asked. The magnificence of her voice somehow came back and brought a smile to my face. Without an answer I stepped into the room and closed the door behind me.

“Where’s Caddock?”

“I don’t know,” Odette shrugged.

“I’m right here.”

My body turned automatically towards the voice. At the end of the spiral stairs, Caddock stood in his usual attire. A red and black shirt with tan pants. His sword was attached to his side and he wore leather gloves with material missing around the fingers. His palm and wrist were covered by the sleek brown leather. Caddock hadn’t change since I saw him last. He still had fading hair, a weary face, but still had life in him. Plenty of it, I think.

“Leave us, Odette,” Caddock said as he walked towards me. Odette bowed her head and walked quickly up the staircase. “Now,” Caddock paused until Odette was out of earshot, “I need your help, Riley.”

To be Continued...

Walt · 01-03-2007, 07:18 PM

Hm. Why would Caddock need his help? That intrigues me.

At the beginning of the update, the way you described things seemed... unusual. I don't know how, maybe it was the part of where Riley described the ocean, but something seemed off the way you wrote it. I can't seem to put my finger on it, though... Maybe it's just me. Good update.

Devon · 01-04-2007, 07:48 AM

Again, a nice read, though I felt the chapter was a bit short. On the other hand, chapters don't have to be really long to be considered chapters. I like how you ended it. Why would Caddock need Riley's help? Hmm. . . curious indeed. And the fact that you made Odette deliberately fall out of character from what we knew of her in the previous chapter makes me think there's something not quite right about her. Erm, that is to say, more than what I'd gathered in chapter one.

Now, you know what's coming . . .

***
Something told me that she rarely was silent. Having 'was' where it is sounds awkward. If you placed it after 'she,' the mind won't stumble. Something told me that she was rarely silent.

She came across as a person who always knew what to say and when to say it. Her not being able to think straight was unheard of. This second line here sounds as though he knows Odette very well when, in the line before it, it seems he doesn't.

The hallways were all dark, small lamps lined the walls. Having dark and small separated by a comma makes it sound as though the hallways were all dark and small lamps that lined the walls (since you should separate two adjectives with a comma, thus: dark and small). This isn't what you meant. Here you have a comma splice. The two lines should be separated or joined with a conjunction.

The aroma of salt came and I knew for certain where we were headed. Elan’s lighthouse. A colon is needed to set off 'Elan's lighthouse.' . . . I knew for certain where we were headed: Elan's lighthouse. Or an em dash might work I knew for certain where we were headed--Elan's lighthouse.

I’m unsure of why, maybe because everything happened so fast, I didn’t have time to stop and think. Having 'of' here sounds awkward. You could take 'of' out, make it a separate sentence, then take out 'maybe because.' I'm unsure why. Everything happened so fast, I didn't have time to stop and think. But, then again, perhaps you don't want Riley to sound so certain of himself.

Again, more questions and little answers. 'Little answers' makes the answers sound little and not the fact that there were few of them. What about: Again, more questions and even fewer answers.

“Fine,” I rose my voice, “I don’t know what it is. Two things here. A beat [I rose my voice] within dialogue should have an attribution attached to it in order to be encompassed by commas (just recently I've come to accept this until someone can show me where it's acceptable) and it shouldn't be I rose my voice. It should be I raised my voice or My voice rose.

I studied her as another pain jolted through my stomach. I fell to one knee and held my hands over the pain. I wanted to yell at her for laughing, but the pain was just too much. Eek. Too much pain! Too much pain! Having 'pain' repeated in each line makes it a bit redundant. You might want to try to vary it a little.

Odette said in between laughs You don't need 'in' here.

“What-” I paused as a jolt came again. “What’s that supposed to mean?” The beat as written is unnecessary. Having an em dash after 'what' denotes that the character is cut off by something, be it another person or something s/he thinks, feels, does, etc. You could reword the beat and have the action happen more suddenly by: "What--" Another jolt came. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Odette shouted, “You say If you are going to have the next line of speech after the attribution capitalized, there should be a period after 'shouted.' Unless, of course, there wasn't anything before 'Odette shouted' (which there was), in which case the comma would remain there just like in: I looked at him and said, "What a gigglehead you are.".

“Caddock will explain everything,” Odette smiled. A character cannot 'smile' words. A period needs to be after 'everything' if you wanted to keep 'Odette smiled' as a separate beat. Otherwise, an attribution needs to be attached to it: "Caddock will explain everything," Odette said and smiled.

Her voice changed, not a deepened change, but a very subtle change. Somehow, her voice lost its magnificence. Like the pain, too much change and voice. Once is usually enough for a reader. Once in a while, a writer wants to drive home a point. However, if this line were reworded a bit, it would still carry the same feeling. Her voice changed, not a deepened change, just very subtle. Somehow it had lost its magnificence.

At the same time as her voice changed, In the previous lines you indicated that her voice changed. You have it repeated here. At the same time might suffice.

she asked with another raised eyebrow. Did she ask her question with the eyebrow itself?

Without another word I looked away from Odette Comma after 'word.'

A set of stone steps led up into a platform. Did it lead up to a platform, or actually into the platform?

The door’s hinges squeaked and revealed the floor of the lighthouse. Elan’s lighthouse. The same Elan that died by my arrow. You could actually morph 'Elan's lighthouse' with the sentence before it, then add a comma to join the sentence following it. Otherwise, I believe the last sentence in this string is a fragment. The door’s hinges squeaked and revealed the floor of Elan's lighthouse, the same Elan that had died by my arrow. Since he died prior to the present circumstances (which is written in past tense), 'had' needs to be in there.

My memories took me back to that day. Try to avoid blatant references to flashbacks, even brief ones.

“I don’t know,” Odette shrugged. A character can't 'shrug' words.

My body turned automatically towards the voice. Just his body?

At the end of the spiral stairs, Caddock stood in his usual attire. A red and black shirt with tan pants. The second sentence is a fragment. You could combine the two: At the end of the spiral stairs stood Caddock in his usual attire: a red and black shirt with tan pants

he wore leather gloves with material missing around the fingers. Fingerless leather gloves.

His palm and wrist were covered by the sleek brown leather. Does he only have one hand?

My body turned automatically towards the voice. At the end of the spiral stairs, Caddock stood in his usual attire. A red and black shirt with tan pants. His sword was attached to his side and he wore leather gloves with material missing around the fingers. His palm and wrist were covered by the sleek brown leather. Caddock hadn’t change since I saw him last. He still had fading hair, a weary face, but still had life in him. Plenty of it, I think. In fact, this whole paragraph could be reworded to add to its flow a bit. But I'll leave that up to you. You're a capable and talented writer.

***
Nice. I do like this. As I'd said before, I like where you've ended the chapter. It does make me wonder why Caddock would need Riley's help. Keep going with it. I'll be looking forward to the next post.

Devon