Child of Wrath- The Shards of Atherton - Page 3 - Writers Forum

Crash_Tomas · 01-18-2007, 02:49 PM

Anybody else out there?

Devon · 01-18-2007, 03:05 PM

Hi Crash. Haven't had a chance to read your latest post just yet. I will though. You know I will.

Devon

Crash_Tomas · 01-19-2007, 02:15 PM

Yep, I know you will. I kind of have time to write more often...but this weekend isn't looking so good...

Devon · 01-20-2007, 09:48 AM

All right. Now, Riley has escaped and his story goes on . . .

***
It caused my hair to flail around wildly You might want to choose a word other than 'flail' here. To flail is: 1) To swing about or strike at wildly or 2) To beat (plants) with a machine or by hand to separate the grain from the straw [from answers.com] In any case, 'it caused' is unneeded and the sentence would stand firm with just: 'My hair [whatever appropriate verb you used here] around wildly.'

let out joy filled screams joy-filled

I held on to Rekin with my right hand, the other waved around freely and enjoyed the freedom of the wind Since the first part of this description has him speaking with 'I,' you need to have the part after the comma balancing it with parallel construction. 'I held on to Rekin with my right hand, and waved the other around as I enjoyed the freedom of the wind.' His hand wouldn't involuntarily wave about without his making it do so. (All because you have 'I' in the first part of the sentence.)

It became apparent to me that I could do anything and there was nothing anybody could do. I had power and I could use it. With an open left hand I patted Rekin’s back and calmed myself. I looked down below me and saw the seemingly endless lands of The Crossover. All of these sentences have 'and' as a conjunction. This is not necessarily bad, it just keeps the cadence of the paragraph sounding much the same. If you broke up a few of these sentences--made some shorter, for example--you'd have a better variation.

A giant blue ocean with raging waves and the golden sand of the beach each wave of water crashed down on. I know what you're trying to convey, but the construction has fallen short. What about: 'Raging waves from a giant blue ocean crashed down upon the golden sand of the beach.'

It turned the sand brown and somehow turned to gold again I believe if you put 'which' instead of 'and' here, its meaning would be clearer: 'It turned the sand brown, which somehow turned to gold again . . .'

I don’t know, but I sure am getting sick of questions Present tense; needs to be past tense.

The green grasses of the hills just beyond the beach. A wide expanse of terrain that also went in two directions. Both of these sentences are fragments.

From above everything looked at peace, From above [comma here] everything looked peaceful.

Dark and mysterious from below, but breathtakingly beautiful from above. Consider reversing these two sentences. The previous sentences speak of his knowledge of what lies beneath the leafy canopy; reversing these two would not only add emphasis, but also give a contrast between the present circumstances and his hidden (hidden from the reader) knowledge.

I knew the place well, it was what I had first seen when I came here. A bit of a cumbersome sentence. Try simplifying: 'I knew the place well; I had first seen it when I came here.'

but now it occurs to me Change present tense to past tense.

“Go down!” I yelled to Rekin and patted him on the neck to get his attention. Consider reversing the two actions. Have Riley pat Rekin on the neck first to get his attention, then yell to him. I'm sure it's windy up there and I don't know how well dragons can hear. I'm a fan of dragons, but I'm not an expert. They can probably hear really well, but . . . anyway, just a suggestion.

Rekin’s front feet landed lightly on the dirt and slowly, he trotted to a stop. He stood valiantly and bent down to let me off. I slid down the side of him and landed softly on the ground. Consider toning down the adverbs.

Rekin’s head and neck turned to look at me. His neck wouldn't look at Riley, and neither would his head actually. What about: 'Rekin turned his head to look at me.'

a deep, but yet kind voice broke the silence. Someone already pointed this error out to you.

He stood at the edge of the clearing and looked at me with his kind eyes. His long brown cloak covered his tall body. He still was as tall as he was the first time I had seen him. Back then, I had been a child, and I have grown in the past few years. He still stands well above me, but not nearly as much. I now stand to his shoulders, rather than his waist I understand you're trying to get the point across that Riley has grown, but Link is still taller. However, unless this fact is important to the story, you could tone this down a bit. Try combining some sentences to shorten this paragraph a little.

He said, when I first met him, “I am many people in one.” 'As he said when I had first met him: 'I am many people in one.'' He sounds like a neat guy, btw.

“The Prophets-” I began, but was instantly cut off by Link. If you have an emdash within speech, you don't need to make mention the speaker was cut off. The emdash denotes this. You could just go on with the next speaker.

'"The Prophets--" I began.

"I know," he said ('said' because you have 'answered' in the next dialogue tag) and continued forward. "Now tell me, Riley, did you accept their offer?"

"No," I answered. (no 'boldly; the simple word, believe it or not, conveys his meaning in combination with the actions from the previous chapter)

"A wise choise."

Link looked at me with kind eyes, but he looked like he had been worn down. You'd already mention Link had kind eyes. And the second half of this sentence is a bit something that I can't put my finger on.

Three years had changed a man, or thing, I thought didn’t age. 'Three years had changed this man, or thing, I thought didn't age' Since Riley has a specific person in mind, having the indefinate article 'a' there makes the meaning a bit vague.

He let a smile through his tired face 'He let a smile pass through his tired face.'

“I cannot say,” he answered. “Your story is what you make of it.” He's going to prove a frustrating character, isn't he?

***
Still, overall a nice read. I am definately looking forward to the next part of this chapter.

Devon

Crash_Tomas · 01-20-2007, 10:12 AM

Thanks, that really helps. I see what you mean about the tags with sentences. I have to try and gte them straight *hits himself in head* "remember goddamnit!"

Devon · 01-20-2007, 01:12 PM

Oh stop. Lol. For a first write, it's very, very good. It just needs to be polished up a little. You are quite talented, you know.

Devon

Crash_Tomas · 01-21-2007, 10:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Devon

Oh stop. Lol. For a first write, it's very, very good. It just needs to be polished up a little. You are quite talented, you know.

Devon

That means a lot to me, thank you.

I fixed everything to the best of my ability. Maybe an update this week...if I ever get to write anything...but first gotta plan what I want to happen.

This isn't easy, but I don't like easy things. Only if th easy way is the only way. That may be stupid to believe in, but do I care? Not at all.

Crash_Tomas · 01-22-2007, 07:23 PM

Still didn't get to any writing...had to fill out college stuff...Maybe sometime this week...but nobody really cares except you, Devon, lol

Thanks for putting up with me~

Crash_Tomas · 01-23-2007, 02:31 PM

-Sorry for the shortness of this one...it's all I could get to today...-

“My story is more than the Prophecies,” I replied.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Link said. “Now, all that’s left is for you to prove it.”

Somehow, Link had actually helped me. The other times I asked him questions, he would always give short answers--none of which would help. This time, he had given enough for me to learn from. Maybe my age had something to do with it, or I was finally understanding why I am the Child of Wrath.

“How long has it been since the Prophets took me?” I inquired.

“In the Crossover, it has been three months, but on Earth, it has been one day.”

“So, it will be as if I never left?”

“Yes.”

I began to wonder how time works in The Crossover. I didn’t really age when I was here. Only when I lost the memories of my previous three years. Time jumped forward to when it needed me most. Maybe one day, I’ll get to reclaim my memories. My instincts say, I won’t be able to until this part of my
story is over. Pages, chapters, and mesmerizing endings.

The choices are there, my paths wind in every direction, but something tells me that no matter which way I choose, I will end up where I’m meant to be. I can feel it, in the pit of my stomach and in the fullness of my heart. I am Riley, the chosen one. I can--as the Third Prophecy says--help the world, or destroy it.

“I shall go home,” I stated. Link nodded reassuringly.

“I wish you luck on your endeavor,” he said. I was surprised to find he was very bland when he spoke. Like he was losing a part of him, as time went on. It made me wonder, but not enough to force me to ask.

“Thank you,” I said and closed my eyes.

I pictured Ocala--my home. The pathways of land and the open expanses of water that the villages were built over. The wooden docks that linked the land to the houses and the Ocalan Castle. The valiant sun beaming down on the water, the calm breeze that made the grass sway ever so slightly. But none of the scenery mattered, I only wanted to see my mother again.

“Here we go,” I said as I felt the familiar tingling in my stomach. I opened my eyes and saw the kingdom of Ocala.

To Be Continued...

Crash_Tomas · 01-24-2007, 02:00 PM

I'll try writing more tomorrow...and whoever is out there...I posted an update above...

Devon · 01-25-2007, 07:41 AM

Let me get the mechanics of it out of the way first, then I will give you my overall impression of the rest of this chapter.

***
The other times I asked him questions, he would always give short answers--none of which would help. 'None of which would help' doesn't need to be emdashed in this sentence. A comma would be fine there: The other times I had asked him questions, he would always give short answers, none of which would help.

Maybe my age had something to do with it, or I was finally understanding why I am the Child of Wrath. The last part of this sentence should be in past tense for consistent construction: 'why I was the Child of Wrath.

I began to wonder how time works in The Crossover. 'worked' not 'works.' Present tense switch again.

I didn’t really age when I was here. Only when I lost the memories of my previous three years. You could combine these two sentences: 'I didn't really age when I was here, only when I lost the memories of my previous three years.

Maybe one day, I’ll get to reclaim my memories. 'I'd' and not 'I'll' here. It's another tense switch.

My instincts say, I won’t be able to until this part of my story is over. Pages, chapters, and mesmerizing endings. You could combine these two as well with a semicolon since the two thoughts are linked: My instincts say I won't be able to until this part of my story is over; pages, chapters, and mesmerizing endings.

The choices are there, my paths wind in every direction, but something tells me that no matter which way I choose, I will end up where I’m meant to be. I can feel it, in the pit of my stomach and in the fullness of my heart. I am Riley, the chosen one. I can--as the Third Prophecy says--help the world, or destroy it. Even interior monologue should be kept in past tense when it's within the story. This whole paragraph is in present tense. It worked in the beginning because Riley was introducing himself and his present troubles to the reader. The transition was smoother as well. Here, it seems like a sudden tense switch for no reason.

I was surprised to find he was very bland when he spoke. Like he was losing a part of him, as time went on. You could combine these too: I was surprised to find he was very bland when he spoke, like he was losing a part of him [no comma] as time went on.

It made me wonder, but not enough to force me to ask. And why not? Wouldn't the reader be curious as well? You could satisfy the reader's curiosity and expand upon the scene in one shot.

I pictured Ocala--my home. The pathways of land and the open expanses of water that the villages were built over. The wooden docks that linked the land to the houses and the Ocalan Castle. The valiant sun beaming down on the water, the calm breeze that made the grass sway ever so slightly. This paragraph listing what Ocala looks like could be combined better if you placed a comma after 'Ocala' and then an emdash after 'my home,' then placed semicolons between each sentence:

I pictured Ocala, my home--the pathways of land and the open expanses of water that the villages were built over; the wooden docks that linked the land to the houses and the Ocalan Castle; the valiant sun beaming down on the water; the calm breeze that made the grass sway ever so slightly.

***
All right. Got that out of the way. Now, here are my questions:

Why does Riley go down into the forest to see Link? Did he 'feel' his presence there? Did Link summon him? And if Link summoned him, he should be giving Riley a little more to go on than he has already.

It's nice that Riley knows what Link's getting at, but you've left your reader in the dark a little here. It's good to leave lingering questions in the reader's mind. However, this scene does call for a bit more to make it longer, more informative, and worth Riley's taking the time to pull the reader into the frightening forest to see this man.

You could keep Link as obscure a character as you'd like (it would be nicely frustrating this way), just give the reader the reasons behind Riley's final decision to go home: i.e. Why did what Link said make him feel this way?

I'll be looking forward to more of this when you have the time and any changes you make to it.

Devon

Crash_Tomas · 01-25-2007, 02:04 PM

Thanks a lot. The rest of the chapter will be posted when I finish it, along with the previous one, since I do have corrections now. I plan on expanding on a lot, and appreciate the help. It's understandable that the questions you ask are the questions I'm unsure of. When I think of a reason, I'll tell you~

I wanted to hint that flying over the forest itself called Riley to go down. Link being there, was pretty much a luck situation. At least, that's what I planned it being.

Thanks again~

Crash_Tomas · 01-25-2007, 05:47 PM

Alright, this is the fixed version with extension...enjoy~

“My story is more than the Prophecies,” I replied.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Link said. “Now, all that’s left is for you to prove it.”

Somehow, Link had actually helped me. The other times I had asked him questions, he would always give short answers, none of which would help. This time, he had given enough for me to learn from. Maybe my age had something to do with it, or I was finally understanding why I was the Child of Wrath.

“How long has it been since the Prophets took me?” I inquired.

“In the Crossover, it has been three months, but on Earth, it has been one day.”

“So, it will be as if I never left?”

“Yes.”

I began to wonder how time worked in The Crossover. I didn’t really age when I was here, only when I lost the memories of my previous three years. Time jumped forward to when it needed me most. Maybe one day, I’d get to reclaim my memories. My instincts say I won't be able to until this part of my story is over; pages, chapters, and mesmerizing endings.

The choices are there, my paths wind in every direction, but something tells me that no matter which way I choose, I will end up where I’m meant to be. I can feel it, in the pit of my stomach and in the fullness of my heart. I am Riley, the chosen one. I can--as the Third Prophecy says--help the world, or destroy it.

“I shall go home,” I stated. Link nodded reassuringly.

“I wish you luck on your endeavor,” he said. I was surprised to find he was very bland when he spoke, like he was losing a part of him as time went on. It made me wonder, just enough for me to ask:

“What’s the matter?”

“You need not worry, Riley. I shall be fine.”

“Are you certain?” I inquired. My curiosity had gotten the best of me. I knew I wouldn’t receive useful answers, but I enjoyed asking questions.

“Quite certain. Now, go and do what you have to do. I have complete faith you.”

“Thank you, Link,” I said and closed my eyes.

I pictured Ocala, my home--the pathways of land and the open expanses of water that the villages were built over; the wooden docks that linked the land to the houses and the Ocalan Castle; the valiant sun beaming down on the water; the calm breeze that made the grass sway ever so slightly.

“Here we go,” I said as I felt the familiar tingling in my stomach. I opened my eyes and saw the kingdom of Ocala.

To be honest, I really didn’t understand why I stopped at the forest. Maybe the forest itself pulled me towards it. Meeting Link was a form of luck, I guess. It was meant to happen, that’s for sure. Maybe Rekin brought me over
the forest because Link had somehow called him, or Link somehow called me.

“Stop right there!”

I turned to see a sword pointing at my throat. A large black gloved hand held the silver handle. I followed the length of the sword to the handle and up the arm that gripped the blade. A muscular arm with a dark gray shirt, the sleeves rolled up to the elbows. I gulped and kept tracing the arm upward. My eyes fell upon his stocky chest and onto his rugged face. Dark brown hair protruded from the man’s face and his fat nose sniffed in and out like a horse.

His eyes glared at me with intensity. Naturally, they were blue, but looked to be a severe red. Bloodshot. He had either been drinking, or was naturally insane or tired. I was leaning towards the drinking. The man continued to study me, and contemplated whether he should kill me or not. I finally let my eyes rest on his and I spoke slowly:

“I am Prince Riley.”

“Prince who?” he questioned. His eyes went wild and I saw him shift his grip on the sword. I slowly moved my hand to my own blade and continued to speak with the man:

“Queen Sasha’s son.”

My hand finally reached my blade and I calmly wrapped my hand around it. I didn’t want to alarm the man and cause him to attack, so I moved cautiously and tried not drawing his attention away from my eyes.

“Queen Sasha,” the man said. A hint of admiration lingered in his voice and he shook his head to shake the thought out of his head. I took a slow step back, not far enough for him to notice, but far enough to pull out my own blade. For some reason, I didn’t do anything further.

“She is my mother, I am trying to go see her,” I said.

“Then don’t let me keep you, sir,” the man replied. He lowered his blade and offered me his free hand. I gripped it and shook.

“What is your name?” I asked.

“Brandt,” the man blurted.

“Travel with me,” I offered. “I will give a place to rest for the night.”

“Thank you, kind prince,” Brandt replied. “I accept your offer.”

Chapter 2 to be continued...

Crash_Tomas · 01-26-2007, 02:08 PM

Ugh...I surely would like more readers...but beggars can't be choosers. So, I'll take what I have.

Devon · 01-26-2007, 02:41 PM

Shh . . .there are lurkers here who are trying to read. Lol. I'll be getting to the most recent post soon. Is it that you're looking for more input? If so, I have a suggestion I can PM to you.