Child of Wrath- The Shards of Atherton - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Crash_Tomas · 01-04-2007, 11:29 AM

It's not the end of the chapter just yet. It will continue more until I finally end it. Thanks for the critique. Again, it really helps. I'll fix it to my best ability.

Crash_Tomas · 01-04-2007, 07:22 PM

Here's the rest of chapter one...

Caddock’s eyes revealed his agony. He was troubled by something, but didn’t reveal exactly what it was. The room seemed to cram together, the walls were slowly moving in. I turned frantically and began to pant. Caddock’s hand gripped my shoulder and pulled me back into reality. A somewhat perfect world whose walls weren’t moving. Everything was at peace, except for Caddock’s eyes.

“Riley?” he asked. His eyes looked concerned, “You alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied. With a long breath I tried clearing my mind. I wasn’t sure of what happened, was it a panic? Or was someone doing it to me?

“I need your help,” Caddock repeated.

“With what?”

“I fear the end of us,” he answered, “The end of the Prophets.”

“You made up the Prophecies,” I said cockily, “It’s your fault that whoever the fourth prophet is, will kill all of you.”

“No, no, no.” Caddock shook his head, “We didn’t make them up. They were sent to us in our dreams.”

“What?”

“The Prophecies weren’t just made up. They were given to us as gifts from above,“ Caddock explained, “Someone, or something foretold them and communicated them through us, the Prophets.”

“Then what do you need me for?”

“I want your protection,” Caddock answered desperately.

“From the fourth prophet?”

“Yes.”

“I can’t do that,” I answered, “It would throw off what’s supposed to happen.”

“That’s exactly why you must try.” Caddock pleaded.

I shook my head and backed away. I studied Caddock’s face and saw every ounce of fear that he possessed. He wanted to live. I couldn’t blame him, I want to live too. But, not by any laws saying what’s supposed to happen. The Prophecies were what told what was meant to happen, to defy them would be the best thing anyone could do. After thinking about it for a few minutes, I finally answered:

“Fine, I’ll do it. But, what exactly do I have to do?”

“You must find this Prophet and make sure he doesn’t harm us.” Caddock stepped towards me and put his hand on my shoulder. “Help us, Riley.”

“Explain to me why,” I said loudly, “You brought me here by taking me hostage! Why should I help you?”

“I’m afraid it was for your own good,” Caddock replied.

“Forget it! Count me out.”

I closed my eyes and pictured my dragon again. His image became clear and I felt the tingly feeling in the pit of my stomach. I opened my eyes again and heard a ferocious roar from outside Elan’s lighthouse. Caddock turned and I drove my left shoulder into his gut and lifted him up into the air. He toppled over and landed hard on the wooden floor.

I noticed then, we weren’t on the ground floor of the lighthouse. The stairs led up and there was no down except for the exit to the tunnels. My feet pounded on the floor as I ran for the stairs. With a brief wave to Caddock I continued up the stairs until I reached the first platform. The living area that I had seen many times before. The kitchen in the corner, the wooden table with chairs around it and the fireplace on the opposite wall. Everything was just as I remembered it.

The exit was parallel to the stairs and almost without thinking, I ran towards the door and hurried to open it. A burst of bright light hit me, I squinted and continued on in search of my dragon.

“Rekin!” I called out to him.

A brilliant roar informed me of the beasts presence. he flew valiantly around the lighthouse and flapped his giant wings proudly. His brown skin shined in the sunlight and brought out the speckles of green. His yellow eyes stared intently at me as he landed solidly on the earth.

“Let’s get out of here,” I spoke and walked up to my dragon. I brushed his leg with my hand and patted him twice. He grunted and flapped both of his wings. I gripped one of the scales on his leg and climbed up onto his back.

I straddled his neck and closed my eyes again. I pictured my bow and arrows, and the sword which was given to me by the sword smith in Kenton. The tingly feeling again and I opened my eyes to see my equipment on my lap. With my right hand I grabbed my sword and strapped it to my side. With my left, I strapped the quiver of arrows to my back and held the bow firmly.

An old feeling came back. I was out of my prison and out to continue my journey. I wouldn’t protect my captors’ lives. No way I was going to protect them. Not after what they did to me. I was going to find the fourth prophet and bring him or her straight to the prophets. It wouldn’t be easy, because I didn’t know where to begin my search.

“Let’s go, Rekin!” I yelled. With a quick flap of his wings, Rekin was shooting up towards the sky. I was free again.

End of Chapter One. What do you think?

Devon · 01-04-2007, 07:54 PM

Oops. Sorry about jumping the gun a bit there. I should learn to be more patient, I suppose. Lol. I'll be reading and commenting on the rest of this soon.

Devon

Crash_Tomas · 01-04-2007, 08:54 PM

No worries. Get to it when you can...

I wish I had more readers, but hey, a couple is good.

Crash_Tomas · 01-05-2007, 09:05 PM

Did you get to it yet Devon?

Devon · 01-06-2007, 05:59 AM

Wow. Not yet. I critique and mentor two people outside of this forum, and I am working on my novel's seventh revision as well (in which I am extremely picky about everything). I have only so much time in the morning after my son goes to school. But I will. I promise.

Devon

Devon · 01-06-2007, 08:03 AM

All right. Now I can't figure Riley out. Perhaps he's still a reluctant hero, but he's borderlining the realm of the dark hero. I suppose we'll have to wait and see what he turns out to be.

Again, a nice read. The pacing is a little quick and a bit more could be explained during Riley and Caddock's interaction, but it's clear what Caddock wants from Riley now. Having his life at stake and Riley's desire to find the fourth Prophet to make the prophecy come true is very intriguing. Although, the reader's left uncertain of Riley's motives. Is he doing this because the others had captured and held him hostage, or is there something deeper that even Riley doesn't understand? Don't answer! Let the story unfold and reveal . . .

I noticed a few things that tend to be repeated. Commas after beats and some attributions when there should be periods, in particular. Yes, commas after attributions are fine as long as what the speaker is saying is a continuation of what he'd begun before the attribution. I also noticed a lot of adverbs. Adverbs are fine too, when used sparingly. (As I use an adverb! Lol.) They are stronger when not crowded together into one line or even a single paragraph. Make sure to use strong nouns and verbs to carry the story and avoid using too many adverbs and adjectives that can look like you're trying to prop it up.

Now, on to the specifics.

***

Caddock’s eyes revealed his agony. He was troubled by something, but didn’t reveal exactly what it was. The room seemed to cram together, 'But didn't reveal exactly what it was' seems extraneous and the shift from Caddock's agony to the room doing its funky thing there was a bit sudden. A smoother transition would put the reader in the proper mindset. Even a small inserted word would work. Caddock's eyes revealed his agony; he was troubled by something. All at once, the room seemed to cram together

I turned frantically and began to pant. Caddock’s hand gripped my shoulder and pulled me back into reality. A somewhat perfect world whose walls weren’t moving. Everything was at peace, except for Caddock’s eyes. Again the shift from the room to Caddock is too abrupt. It should be somewhat abrupt, but the sentences don't link together. What about: I turned frantically and began to pant (Personally, I'd put in more of a reaction to his panic here, but that's just me). Then Caddock's hand gripped my shoulder and pulled me back to reality; a somewhat perfect world whose walls weren't moving.

His eyes looked concerned, “You alright?” Three things here: was it just his eyes that were concerned, or all of him? The comma is there where there should be a period. And 'alright' should be two words -- 'all right.'

I wasn’t sure of what happened, was it a panic? Or was someone doing it to me? You don't need 'of' here and if you rearranged this a bit, the relevant information will be placed together: I wasn't sure what happened. Was it a panic, or was something doing it to me?

he answered, “The end of the Prophets.” Here's another example of a misplaced comma where there should be a period.

I said cockily, “It’s your fault that whoever the fourth prophet is, will kill all of you.” And another. Although this is an adverbial dialogue tag, the words before the tag don't necessarily sound cocky, so the adverb here should be fine.

“That’s exactly why you must try.” Caddock pleaded. As worded here, his pleading came after his comment to Riley. Now, did he really plead with him in gesture, or are you saying his words were pleading? If words, then a comma is needed (though having 'pleaded' as an attribution might not be accepted by many). If actions, then more explanation is needed.

I couldn’t blame him, I want to live too. But, not by any laws saying what’s supposed to happen. You have a sudden tense switch here. You could also separate the first part of the first sentence and join the last bit of it with the sentence following: I couldn't blame him. I wanted to live too, but not by laws . . . And 'saying what's supposed to happen' could be shortened to: laws governing fate or something like that.

The Prophecies were what told what was meant to happen, to defy them would be the best thing anyone could do. After thinking about it for a few minutes, I finally answered: The first part of this sentence is a bit awkward and the last bit of this sentence twists around one's perception of fate. (I'll explain that in a second) You also don't need the colon after answered. The Prophecies told what was meant to happen. To defy them was the best thing anyone could try to do. If it's fate, it's going to happen eventually, no matter what pathways one takes. Trying to go against the grain to change fate would only bring you down a different road toward the ultimate ending. However, in the case of alternate worlds, it's a different story . . .

I said loudly, “You brought me here by taking me hostage! Another misplaced comma and what he yells could be shortened a bit to sound a little more angry: You took me hostage!

“Forget it! Count me out.” For some reason, I feel that having 'then' before 'forget it' would make his reaction sound more natural and connect what he's saying to what Caddock has already said.

from outside Elan’s lighthouse. You've already established that it's Elan's lighthouse. Unless there's a reason to make note again of the fact that the lighthouse is specifically Elan's, telling the reader once is usually enough.

Caddock turned and I drove my left shoulder into his gut and lifted him up into the air. Didn't Caddock want to fight back? You probably wanted it to sound like Caddock was taken by surprise. However, the way you described Caddock toward the beginning of the chapter, I got the sense that he wasn't likely to be pushed around easily.

I noticed then, we weren’t on the ground floor of the lighthouse. How? I believe this needs to be elaborated upon.

With a brief wave to Caddock I continued up the stairs You have a missing comma after 'Caddock' and why would he be waving to Caddock other than to be sarcastic in his departure? Then again, perhaps he was trying to be sarcastic.

The living area that I had seen many times before. This is a sentence fragment.

A burst of bright light hit me, I squinted and To make it sound sudden, keep A burst of light hit me as a separate sentence.

A brilliant roar informed me of the beasts presence. I'm not sure how a roar can be brilliant. However, it does paint an interesting picture in the mind. 'Informed me of the beast's presence' sounds a bit formal for Riley's character.

he flew valiantly around the lighthouse and flapped his giant wings proudly. Here's a good example of adverb usage too close to one another. You could take out the adverbs and see if the sentence carries its own weight. If not, see if there are stronger verbs you can use first before considering reinserting the adverbs again. Adverbs can be fun to work with. Just don't let them carry the story.

His brown skin shined I was going to say that 'shone' should be used here, but 'shined' is actually another way of putting 'shine' into past tense. So never mind. Lol.

“Let’s get out of here,” I spoke and walked up to my dragon. He spoke? What happened to 'I said.'? And would he just walk up to his dragon? You've given the reader the impression that he's in a hurry to leave the lighthouse, he should be running to his dragon.

The tingly feeling again and I opened my eyes to see my equipment on my lap. I think you're missing a word here: 'came' after 'feeling.' It's neat how he can summon his items just by thinking about it.

With my right hand I grabbed my sword A comma after 'hand.'

No way I was going to protect them. Not after what they did to me. You could also insert a comma after 'them' to join the second sentence with the first, since the two ideas are relevant to one another. 'Was' should be before 'I' and 'did' should be 'had done' since his captors had captured and held him hostage prior to his escape. No way was I going to protect them, not after what they had done to me.

It wouldn’t be easy, because I didn’t know where to begin my search. 'Because' seems to weaken this sentence here. If you separated them, they would both sound stronger: It wouldn't be easy. I didn't know where to begin my search.

***
*whew* Keep going, Crash. I do want to see how Riley turns out, if he ever learns what his true purpose is, and how he's going to find the fourth prophet to kill the others . . . well, at least Caddock, anyway.

Devon

Crash_Tomas · 01-06-2007, 01:07 PM

Thanks, I am struggling getting the period and commas straightened out. When I think I have it correct, it turns out not to be. I'll be able to do it soon enough I hope...

Well, thank you again for putting up with me. The adverbs are also a problem. Sometimes I don't notice I add too many. I'll pay more attention and try and lengthen the part with Caddock.

Pieces~

Devon · 01-07-2007, 07:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crash_Tomas

Thanks, I am struggling getting the period and commas straightened out. When I think I have it correct, it turns out not to be. I'll be able to do it soon enough I hope...

You will, in time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crash_Tomas

Well, thank you again for putting up with me. The adverbs are also a problem. Sometimes I don't notice I add too many. I'll pay more attention and try and lengthen the part with Caddock.

You're welcome. 'Putting up with you' (as you've put it) is no problem at all. I'm enjoying your work.

Adverbs sneak in, especially in first/second drafts. But that's all right. Since it sounds like you're writing this and then posting it as it comes along, having so many at first isn't really that big of a problem (though I'll probably still point them out just to keep you aware). A writer has to get the story written out and then can concentrate on whittling them down during revisions.

We have a lot to think about when constructing a story: plot and character development; flow of logic; sentence structure and cadence; keeping our characters 'in character' so to speak; interactions; simple but interesting description; realistic dialogue; setup, climax, and resolution . . . the list goes on for what seems like forever. So, no worries.

Hope to see more soon.

Devon

Crash_Tomas · 01-07-2007, 09:11 AM

Well that makes me feel a lot better, lol~

Crash_Tomas · 01-11-2007, 04:58 PM

I haven't had much time to writ anything lately...I'm waiting on my English teacher to give me feedback on the first book's first draft. All the while doing homework up the whazoo...

I'll get to writing as soon as I can...Thanks for putting up with me~

Devon · 01-11-2007, 07:49 PM

No problem. Take your time. And I'm not 'putting up with you,' I'm enjoying your work.

Devon

Crash_Tomas · 01-17-2007, 06:09 PM

Here's the first part of chapter two. At last. Enjoy.

Chapter Two
Signs of Destruction

Clouds rushed by and the wind whipped against my face. It caused my hair to flail around wildly and somehow brought a smile to my face. Without thinking, I began to laugh and let out joy filled screams. My heart pounded with excitement and I held on to Rekin with my right hand, the other waved around freely and enjoyed the freedom of the wind. Nothing mattered when I was riding Rekin. I was truly free from all the ravages and deceptions of life. I was untouchable.

Life until then had been one huge spiral of confusion. Although it might have been for a second, everything made sense. It became apparent to me that I could do anything and there was nothing anybody could do. I had power and I could use it. With an open left hand I patted Rekin’s back and calmed myself. I looked down below me and saw the seemingly endless lands of The Crossover.

A giant blue ocean with raging waves and the golden sand of the beach each wave of water crashed down on. It turned the sand brown and somehow turned to gold again, only to be changed to brown. An endless cycle, gold to brown. Was it symbolic? I don’t know, but I sure am getting sick of questions.

The green grasses of the hills just beyond the beach. A wide expanse of terrain that also went in two directions. Up and down. From above everything looked at peace, but from below, everything changed. I began to recognize the woods that suddenly appeared on the side of the beach. Dark and mysterious from below, but breathtakingly beautiful from above.

Red leaves covered the tops of the trees. Occasional specks of green, brown, and yellow were scattered in the mass of trees. I knew the place well, it was what I had first seen when I came here. It was a dream, I thought, but now it occurs to me that I had created this place. My own getaway.

“Go down!” I yelled to Rekin and patted him on the neck to get his attention. With a strong push of his wings, he began his descent to an opening in the woods. “Land there!” I pointed to a clearing with leaves scattered on the
soft dirt.

Rekin’s front feet landed lightly on the dirt and slowly, he trotted to a stop. He stood valiantly and bent down to let me off. I slid down the side of him and landed softly on the ground. Rekin’s head and neck turned to look at me. His yellow eyes showed kindness, but also an intensity of courage. I held out my arm and let Rekin rub his giant head against it. I stroked the side of his face and felt the warmth of his scaly skin.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” a deep, but yet kind voice broke the silence.

I turned to see Link. He stood at the edge of the clearing and looked at me with his kind eyes. His long brown cloak covered his tall body. He still was as tall as he was the first time I had seen him. Back then, I had been a child, and I have grown in the past few years. He still stands well above me, but not nearly as much. I now stand to his shoulders, rather than his waist.

“Hello again, Link,” I said with a nod.

Link stepped forward from the trees and walked casually towards me. I straightened myself and followed his eyes as he trudged towards me. His face was still thin, and resembled many people I knew. He said, when I first met him, “I am many people in one.”

“The Prophets-” I began, but was instantly cut off by Link.

“I know,” he answered and continued forward. “Now tell me, Riley, did you accept their offer?”

“No,” I answered boldly.

“A wise choice.”

“I thought so,” I said. “What would have happened if I took their offer?” I asked.

Link looked at me with kind eyes, but he looked like he had been worn down. Three years had changed a man, or thing, I thought didn’t age. He let a smile through his tired face and opened his mouth to answer me. I knew he would give me a useless answer, but to be honest, I missed his vague answers.

“I cannot say,” he answered. “Your story is what you make of it.”

To Be Continued...

mechanical_lullaby · 01-17-2007, 06:24 PM

(chapter one)Very very nice.
It's really hard to write fantasy from the first person perspective. You pulled it off!

The beginning is a little off to me. The transition between "flip-flopped again" and the next paragraph seems forced. Maybe if you made the paragraphs previous to where "flip-flopped again" a prologue or made it so that the reader didn't go straight to the history. It doesn't have to be changed, but it just seems a little choppy with the transition. The rest of the story flows very nicely.
(chapter two)Still flowing great so far... just one thing I caught where it says "a deep, but yet kind voice" I don't think you need both but and yet. One of them should do.

Crash_Tomas · 01-17-2007, 06:48 PM

thanks, and yeah that flip-flopped thing needs to be changed. I'll have to fix that.

for the second comment: I didn't notice I had two of them there...will fix that too.

Thanks a lot, I appreciate it~