Werewolf night - Writers Forum

Coltonskinner · 11-21-2006, 12:15 AM

I wanted to make a first person view werewolf storie and this is what i have (its a rough draft so please point out spelling errors grammer ect ect) I have horrible writing and punctuation

sorry about tha

BLOOD NIGHT

Prologue
Blood

Red, everywhere I toss and I turn in my cave. The cool breeze awakens me, Malygos from my slumber. Voices in my head Kill, hate,destroy,maim they hate you, they fear you...fear destroy they drive me mad. I awaken, I roar my defiance to the voices yet they persist, I've suffered from them for so many days and nights I've lost count I raise my head my bluish silver hair that is so strange moves with me my steel blue eyes surveying my surroundings, the cave walls are of a dark blue stone moisture makes them shine in the moonlight. I inhale savoring the cool crisp air,

I walk to the mouth of my cave and sniff the air for intruders. I step out into the moonlight and feel the cool of the night breeze gently caresses my face. I smile as I look out from upon my hill, there are bones scattered about, from my many kills around the entrance to my cave. I walk through the mouth of my cave, as I walk small finger bones tied together with strips of leather hanging from the mouth of the cave, they jingle and clack together as I touch them. I turn and walk to the forest that surrounds my cave, I get on all fours and walk into the forest kill, fear, destroy there are humans in your woods trying to harm you kill my eyes become covered in a red haze as I succumb to the madness generated by the voices.

It is like the sweetest honey imaginable, I abandon my stealthy ways and run through the forest breaking branches slashing bushes that get in my way. Suddenly I hear a twig snap, that only my delicate hearing can detect I charge the noise I see a man with a golden sword hanging at his waist. He has a leather strap across his chest going in a arc from his right shoulder to his left leg holding a bow and a quiver full of arrows. Many pouches and bags jingle as he walks, he wears green trousers and a brown leather vest. I run up a slight hill and jump a huge expanse I hear the whistle in my ears as i fly through the night I roar in triumph as I near he turns "WERE- he shouts before his shout is cut off in a gurgle as I slice his throat. His warm blood gushes from his neck, I smile at him a big toothy grin. He pales and puts his hand to his neck then falls to the forest floor,

"Archemedes!" yells a voice far off.

I hear other voices, then heavy footsteps coming my way Kill maim destroy! the voices give me no rest as they urge me to run to the closing footsteps. Whistles fill my ears as arrows bounces off my thick mane, I roar at the men running towards me, already nocking their bows with new arrows.My vision blurs red and I charge, I am a beast, no longer thinking I jump at the men and slash one in the neck as I fly, without a pause I rip apart the poor fool I land on. I roar and turn and feel arrows embedding into my thick hide I roar my pain to all the men, I grab a man by the neck and throw him with all strength, I hear a crack as he collides with another man. I turn to face the last of the men and see it is a boy no older than fourteen I roar my anger at the boy and run to him he pales and runs as fast as his legs can carry him, I roar as I near him he is no match for my speed as I reach the boy I waste no time in lunging at the back of his neck with my mouth wide and as my mouth clamps around his neck I hear it crack. It's a musical sound, I feel the warm blood slides down my throat my eyes close, and I savor the taste MORE YOU WANT MORE! The voices roar. My eyes widen in horror at what I had done, I drop the poor dead boy and the red leaves my vision, I curse the voices I curse myself they scream in my head

DESTROY KILL MAIM DESTROY END LIFE DESTROY HOMES KILL!!! I scream a inhuman wail miles around it echoed my anguish my fury my hatred. I run to my cave crashing through bramble patches as I go as I finally came upon my cave and go inside. I let out another wail and smash piles of bones surrounding me and then I walked into my cave tears dampening my heavy fur I find my cot and slumber.

* * *

The boy stands in my doorway walking towards me his skin a deathly white his neck with a huge wound in the side. Flanked by all the men I had killed,

"why" is all the boy asks,

as he slowly walks to me his arms open tears streaming down his small face.

"Why" he repeats the question.

"NO NO !!!!....Begone LEAVE ME BE!" I roar

to the small boy. Tears streaming down my hairy face the boy walks up to me and opens his arms wider, I walk to him we embrace it is a killing embrace as I let all my anguish into it. I hear a sickening crack as I realize I have killed the boy yet again, he looks at me with a pity in his eyes. Those eyes...those dam emerald eyes! they stare at me not even surprised

"look at what you have become...." the boy whispers as I feel his life slip away in my grasp.

I awaken from my horrifying dream, the next night my vision began to be tinged with red. Kill maim destroy the voices plead to me, this time with all my power I defy the voices, using my rage, anguish and disgust to silence them finally the red leaves my vision. I cry out as the great sensation is gone from me for a second it tinges my vision again. With a titanic effort i resist the urge and walk from my cave. This time free of any thoughts but my own. I look to see a gruesom sight before me,

mashowasho · 11-21-2006, 04:18 PM

hmm. upon scanning through it quickly, any story with the word "AAAAAAAARGH!" in it is suspicious.

There were quite a lot of characters in this scene and at times I found it hard to follow who was doing what.

Also, basic proofreading is a valuble tool; I suggest you utilise it in future.

Now, I'm not saying what you posted was bad, but as far as I can see, it's just another vampire-werewolf story... with a scene where some werewolf runs wild and kills everyone, how original.
(Don't worry, I'm just being really mean because this story now puts yet more competition up against my own vampire/werewolf project.

)

I want to see an interesting twist on this.

mashowasho · 11-21-2006, 06:42 PM

whoa, whoa, whoa. Slooooooooooooooooooow down.

Are these two "prologues" part of the same story? you have the same character Malygos so I am assuming they are. It's a nice idea of the guy being driven by these "mad voices" and the urge to kill, etc. It also explains the second half better.

The huge glaring problem is that OH MY GOD THERE ARE SO MANY TYPOS.
Also, you said about using "I, my" too much? In future, what you should do is this:

1. Write whatever it is you're writing.
2. Go through very carefully checking for spelling and grammatical errors. Sometimes it's hard to see your own mistakes, so try printing it out, giving it to someone else to proofread, or reading/checking it in a different format to the one that you wrote it in (seeing it in somewhere else other than Microsoft Word really helps me, personally.)
3. A lot of your sentences sort of collide with each other and sound a little muddled. Am I right in saying that you wrote the first story (the new bit) straight off without any editing? Because that's what it feels like.
After checking it, read through your story again. Does everything you've written make sense? Are there any missing words that you skipped over? Is your sentence structure varied, etcetera?

If you need any more help on this, PM me.

P.S. Never use *the little stars* as a way of describing action! I know you can do better than that!

Coltonskinner · 11-21-2006, 06:49 PM

These are 2 COMPLETELY diffrent starts to a COMPLETELY diffrent story
in the first one i tried to make it in first person point of view and the second one i did what i usually do. But yes i did the first one in about 10 minutes i had a better one but it pissed me off cause after i did it the first time my mom used her hair drier and the compute shut down

i will edit it again and have my mom read both em and check for spelling and stuff (i suck at that) but thanks for ur insight

mashowasho · 11-21-2006, 07:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Coltonskinner

These are 2 COMPLETELY diffrent starts to a COMPLETELY diffrent story

whoops. my bad.

Coltonskinner · 11-21-2006, 07:06 PM

lol no problem i'm going to edit it and make it better...but from the story...the plot (not grammer or spelling) but what its ABOUT whitch story would you say is more interesting?

Cold Twilight · 11-22-2006, 04:17 PM

Hmm. I like the first one better because you 'show' more. The second one 'tells' us everything. Well...they both do...really, but you have a great start here.

Crazy amount of typos though. Suggest some punctuation...

I don't have time for a lengthy crit right now, sorry. Should be able to give you one on Monday though. Hope this helps a bit.

Dawnstorm · 11-22-2006, 05:36 PM

I like the first one better, too. Typos and punctuation has been mentioned: it's sometimes hard to read without full-stops and paragraphs. On the other hand, the basic concept (lots of words in a rush with little structure) does work, too, as it makes me feel the rush. Sometimes, however, it's confusing:

"running torwards me with bows with arrows at the ready firing." --> Here, commas are missing. Now, the missing commas make me read faster, and I like that. But when I read "at the ready firing" I was confused and had to stop reading for a second. (Apart from the missing commas, I think this is very well said; you have a talent for choosing the right words and wordstructures.) --> "running towards me with bows, with arrows at the ready, firing." (<-- easier to read, though it reads a little less "breathless").

Sometimes you seem to confuse yourself, starting one sentence and finishing another: for example: "I roar my pain the all the men I grab a man by the neck" Apart from the missing punctuation, I wonder what "the all the men" is supposed to mean in here. It looks like a confusion to me, a bit like a piano player who hits a wrong key, gets confused, then finds his way back into the melody and goes on playing (if you know what I mean).

I do notice that the style of the second part of your first story is more coherent, both with punctuation and paragraphs. So I think the concept is part 1 - mad rush, part 2 - aftermath; and I think this works well, on the whole, but sometimes - in the mad rush - I run into an obstacle that your werewolf narrator doesn't.

A question: "NO NO!!!!....Begone LEAVE ME BE!" roars Malygos

Is this a point-of-view slip? Shouldn't this be "I roar"?

You then go on: "Tears streaming down his hairy face the boy walks up to me..."

The boy has a hairy face? Or do you mean: "As tears stream down my/Malygos's hairy face, the boy walks..."?

Is there a split within the narrator? Does he only refer to himself as Malygos when he's in blood-rush-mode? This section confuses me.

"I hear a sickening crack as I realize I have killed the boy yet again, he looks at me with a look in his eyes. Those eyes...those dam emerald eyes! they stare at me not even suprised" --> I like this very much! (but delete "with a look in his eyes", or tell me what kind of look, but don't use the word look, like "he looked at me with fear in his eyes" [I know "fear" is the wrong word, I just used it to demonstrate what I mean.]) (oh, and "dam" --> "damn", otherwise I'd think his eyes were emerald like a dam).

Btw, when did Malygos see the eyes? Unless I've missed it, you didn't mention them (not that you have to, but you could, so the text would fit together better).

Some random points:

"throw him with inhuman strength I hear a sickening crack as he collides " --> Would a werewolf think of his strength as "inhuman"? Would a werewolf describe the crack as "sickening"? You have some similar slips, looking at the werewolf from a human perspective.

(Hard to spot, I think: "as my mouth clamps around his neck I hear it crack." --> I think the attention structure is wrong here. Would a werefolf say he hears a crack? Wouldn't the taste and smell of the blood, and the vibration of the cracking bone against his teeth override the more distant sound? Just a thought.)

I'm not going to talk about the second one, as I think the first one's better, and I'm tired now. You definitely have talent. You know yourself that your spelling and punctuation isn't very good, but I wouldn't worry too much about it. You'll get better as you write more, and as you correct the mistakes you have made.

Keep writing.

Coltonskinner · 11-22-2006, 06:49 PM

Thanks for the great Review Dawnstorm, I'm only 13 and just getting into this writing thing so all help is appretiated. The MOST important thing that you mentioned that I think will help me the most is that sometimes I didn't look at it in a werewolve's perspective there's no slip between him and narrorator it was just a the outcome of a rushed prologue. Thanks for your help I'm going to go edit this right now and I'm going to delete the courtroom one and stick with the first person.

Cold Twilight · 11-22-2006, 07:36 PM

And please post the whole story!!!

Coltonskinner · 11-22-2006, 08:28 PM

Should I Post it on a new post? or edit my old one with it on it?

Akroma · 11-23-2006, 08:44 AM

Hello!

It's a good start. Very dark and angry and...just very strong in an emotional kind of way. I like it. How there's still some fragmented shard of a human soul under all the madness, and it's struggling with it's darker side...the whole thing about the dream and feeling guilty for the boy.

You're doing well keep it up. I just love stories bout werewolves and stuff!! Love your signature by the way lol.

Akroma

Coltonskinner · 11-23-2006, 07:07 PM

OMG Akroma that means ALOT coming from you! I'm a fan of raven and YOUR the reason I decided to make a werewolf story

I just got back from thanksgiving dinner and now i'm going to Put the next part......or so I thought.....I can't think of what should happen next.....I have a vauge concept....but not enough to write a chapter I might get the next chapter posted tonight but i Dont know for sure....IMMA go brainstorm

Cold Twilight · 11-27-2006, 04:15 PM

Love the way you start this out...very nice!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Coltonskinner

BLOOD NIGHT
Prologue
Blood

Red, everywhere I toss and I --delete turn in my cave. The cool breeze awakens me, Malygos [insert a comma] from my slumber. Voices in my head [insert : here] Kill, hate, destroy, maim they hate you, they fear you...fear destroy[. T]hey drive me mad. I awaken, I roar my defiance to the voices[,] yet they persist[.] I've suffered from them for so many days and nights I've lost count[.] I raise my head[,] my bluish silver hair that is so strange moves with me[,] my steel blue eyes surveying my surroundings. [I would suggest changing this telling bit about his hair and eyes to something like: I raise my head, my (long, short, shaggy, what kind of hair?) bluish-silver hair (falling into my eyes or some other thing to make him notice it). Everthing is blue in the light, just like my steel blue eyes, the cave walls are of a dark blue stone[, and] moisture makes them shine in the moonlight. I inhale savoring the cool crisp air[.]

OK, I'd better explain some of my comments so far... About the hair and eyes. Most people won't think of what color their hair or eyes are. They just are. So, you might compare them with something from his surroundings or nearby. Or cause them to come to his attention, or to remember something in connection with the color. Lots of ways to do it, just don't TELL what they are straight out. Sounds really cool though. I like those colors you chose.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Coltonskinner

I walk to the mouth of my cave and sniff the air for intruders, then step out into the moonlight and feel the cool of the night breeze gently caress[es -delete] my face. I smile as I look out from upon my hill[;] there are bones scattered about[, -delete] from my many kills around the entrance to my cave. I walk through the mouth of my cave, [as I walk -delete] [and] small finger bones tied together with strips of leather hanging from the mouth of the cave[; they -delete] jingle and clack together as I touch them. I turn and walk to the forest that surrounds my cave[.] I get on all fours and walk into the forest[.] [K]ill, fear, destroy[;] there are humans in your woods trying to harm you[,] kill[.] [M]y eyes become covered in a red haze as I succumb to the madness generated by the voices.

Ok...more explaining.

OH! Before I do, must mention again that I really like your story.

It gets better every time I re-read it. There's a bit of repetition beginning to show up...like with 'walk'. Perhaps you could find another word to describe what he does, ex. stalk, stride, creep, glide, etc.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Coltonskinner

It is like the sweetest honey imaginable[;] I abandon my stealthy ways and run through the forest breaking branches[,] slashing bushes that get in my way. Suddenly I hear a twig snap[, -delete] that only my delicate hearing can detect[.] I charge the noise [and] see a man with a golden sword hanging at his waist. He has a leather strap across his chest going in an arc from his right shoulder to his left leg holding a bow and a quiver full of arrows. Many pouches and bags jingle as he walks; he wears green trousers and a brown leather vest.

Um...just a sec. He can see that well in the DARK? To detect colors? Colors that would normally just be grays or blacks in the night? Just a question.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Coltonskinner

I run up a slight hill and jump a huge expanse[,] [I -delete] hear[ing] the whistle in my ears as I fly through the night[.] I roar in triumph as I near he turns[.]
"WERE-" he shouts before his shout <-(repetition has struck again!) is cut off in a gurgle as I slice his throat. His warm blood gushes from his neck[.] I smile at him[;] a big toothy grin. He pales and puts his hand to his neck then falls to the forest floor[.]

"Archemedes!" yells a voice far off.

I hear other voices, then heavy footsteps coming my way[.] Kill[,] maim[,] destroy! The voices give me no rest as they urge me to run to the closing footsteps. Whistles (why whistles?) fill my ears as arrows bounce[s -delete] off my thick mane, I roar at the men running towards me, already nocking their bows with new arrows. My vision blurs red and I charge[;] I am a beast, no longer thinking I jump at the men and slash one in the neck as I fly [past], without a pause I rip apart the poor fool I land on. I roar and turn and feel arrows embedding into my thick hide[.] I roar (more roaring. No other word for it? repetition.) my pain to all the men[.] I grab a man by the neck and throw him with all [my] strength, hear[ing] a crack as he collides with another man. I turn to face the last of the men and see it is a boy[,] no older than fourteen[.] I roar my anger at the boy and run to[ward] him[.] he pales and runs as fast as his legs can carry him[.] I roar [again] as I near him[;] he is no match for my speed[.] [A]s I reach the boy[,] I waste no time in lunging at the back of his neck with my mouth wide[,] and as my mouth clamps around his neck I hear it crack. It's a musical sound[;] I feel the warm blood slide[s -delete] down my throat[,] my eyes close, and I savor the taste[.] MORE YOU WANT MORE! [t]he voices roar (roar again. Might want to change this one). My eyes widen in horror at what I ha[ve] done[.] I drop the poor dead boy and the red leaves my vision[.] I curse the voices[,] I curse myself[;] they scream in my head[:]DESTROY[,] KILL[,] MAIM[,] DESTROY[,] END LIFE[,] DESTROY HOMES[,] KILL!!!

Just a note. This last bit doesn't need the commas if you run it alltogether. Ex: DESTROYKILLMAIMDESTROYENDLIFEDESTORYHOMESKILL. It gives it a madness and might even enhance the fast pace you have here.

Good, quick action.

Very good.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Coltonskinner

I scream an inhuman wail[;] miles around it echoe[s] my anguish[,] my fury[,] my hatred. I run to my cave[,] crashing through bramble patches as I go[.] [as -delete] I finally came upon my cave and go inside. I let out another wail and smash [the] piles of bones surrounding me[,] [and -delete] then I walk[ed -delete] into my cave[,] tears dampening my heavy fur[.] I find my cot and slumber.

* * *

The boy stands in my doorway[, then starts] walking towards me[,] his skin a deathly white[,] his neck with a huge wound in the side. Flanked by all the men I had killed[.]

"Why[?]" is all the boy asks, as he slowly walks to me[,] his arms open[,] tears streaming down his small face.

"Why[?]" [he repeats the question. -- could just delete this and leave the "Why?" hanging poignantly in the air.]

"NO NO !!!!....Be gone[,] LEAVE ME BE!" I roar (roaring again...alright. I've said that too much. I'll stop) to the small boy. Tears stream[ing -delete] down my hairy face [as] the boy walks up to me and opens his arms wider[.] I walk to him[.] [W]e embrace[.] [i]t is a killing embrace as I let all my anguish into it. I hear a sickening crack[,] a[nd] I realize I have killed the boy yet again[.] [H]e looks at me with a pity in his eyes. Those eyes...those dam[n] emerald eyes! They stare at me[,] not even surprised[.]

"[L]ook at what you have become...." the boy whispers as I feel his life slip away in my grasp.
I awaken from my horrifying dream[.]

(Yep, definitely need a new paragraph here.)
[T]he next night my vision began to be tinged with red. Kill[,] maim[,] destroy[,] the voices plead to me, [but] this time I defy the voices [with all my power (just switched this around)], using my rage, anguish and disgust to silence them[.] [F]inally the red leaves my vision. I cry out as the great sensation is gone from me[,] [then/but] for a second it tinges my vision again. With a titanic effort I resist the urge and walk from my cave. This time free of any thoughts but my own. I look to see a gruesome sight before me[...]

Ok! All done here...where's the first chapter? I promise to be a read only unless you want more crit from me. Let me know and good luck!

Coltonskinner · 12-06-2006, 02:44 PM

K thanks alot Twilight. It makes me sooooo mad that i just spent about 1-2 hours doing my storie...it was going great got 2 new chapter then clicked send post....*cry* it said i wan't logged in so i logged BACK in and then i had to redo the dang thing (DO NOT say the D word on my thread plz otherwise I wont be able to look at it) I have a stupid block thing So i just said F it and I redid the prologue...its rlly diffrent I need to critisism (there might b parts that i missed cause i was in a hurry) my time at the library is up ARG! *cough* i am so mad....i'll hopefully do it all tomorrow maybe please see if THIS story is better than old one