A Trouble with Names
Ch. 2
Introducing: The Rest of the Party
They set out as quickly as Jack had desired to. Vin, impatient to have her little chat with the gods (and by chat we mean strangling a few of them, bashing a few heads in, and pretty much mutilating every god she got her hands on until they all agreed with her point. She was an excellent politician), and Jack, well… he just really didn’t want to be tarred and feathered again. They decided to stop for lunch at about noon (go figured, lunch at noon) and once more in the day for Jack to deal with Fork-Knife, who had been nattering incessantly the whole trip thus far. Vin added number two to her growing list of complaints that she had with the gods, one about talking silverware.
Their first day of travel went by quickly, and seemed to Vin like it had only taken up one paragraph of text to get through it… needless to say, the first day was extremely uneventful after everything had happened in the morning, and all that other stuff that I’m about to do for the night… yup, completely uneventful.
“So, Jack,” Vin had been waiting for a chance to talk, and now that Fork-Knife was being drowned in a pot of water, she had her chance. “How long do you think it will take?”
His reply was eager, anxious, nervous, happy, depressed, energetic… well… it was a bit unsettling. “I’ve just recently discovered that fortune telling is a trade actually; want me to tell yours so we can figure out just how long it will take?”
“Um… sure… why not.” He grabbed a hold of her hand firmly, gazing into it hungrily. “Say, Jack… you wouldn’t happen to be a cannibal would you?”
“Just because I’m gazing into your hand hungrily doesn’t mean I want to eat it… it’s just a really nice hand and all… ok… so, you’re going to live a really long time if you don’t die before hand… and death will always be nearby, in fact, looks like he’ll be as close as your best friend… and you’re going to fall in love someday, with a king too… but he’s going to be insane, ooh, bad luck.”
“So how long will it take?”
“Oh… no idea, small things are never on palm readings. Well, good night miss Vin.” He turned over onto his bedroll, losing all interest in her as he fell to sleep. Vin tried to sleep as well, but, needless to say (I’ll say it anyway) didn’t have very sweet dreams (how would you feel after a fortune like that).
When Vin woke up, her dreams had left her very touchy, and there were three gray masses looming over her. Well, she woke the rest of the camp up screaming. After several minutes of her cursing up a storm (it rained all day thanks to her) and waving Fork-Knife about as though he were Excalibur, Jack managed to get her to calm down enough to stop scaring their new guests. The elephants (which is all they were, why would she be so afraid of elephants) all wore checkered slacks and had striped ties about their necks. One of them carried a strange black box with a little eye attached to the front of it.
“Good morning, uh, sirs. Nice day,” he looked around at the now pouring rain, and the flashing lighting “wasn’t it?”
The one holding the box raised it and aimed it at Jack, it made a strange clicking and whirring sound. “Ah, you speak click! I’m a bit rusty but maybe we can still communicate. Click click, clack click. Tick tack clack click tack smack”.
“Um, no, we don’t speak click… Happy just gets excited easily and likes to take pictures” thundered the elephant in the middle. “I’m Phil, that’s Smiles, and Happy has the camera again, pleased to meet you.”
“But… but but but but….” Vin stammered out, near tears with confusion. “You speak?”
“Oh of course,” rumbled Phil. “We never forget anything at all!”
“We know almost every language we’ve ever heard or read!” chimed in Happy. “And Phil has a Universal Translator book.” Smiley only smiled broadly and nodded.
“Universal Translator?” Jack rubbed his fingers on his chin. “Yes, that’s a wonderful idea…” he trailed off, leaving several curious elephants watching him go.
“A Universal Translator is a great idea?” The inquisitive nature of the elephants was too much.
“No! No! Well, yes…” he replied. “But my idea was simply derived from your mentioning a Universal Translator...”
They were all ears (but somehow still managed to keep commenting). “A Universal Language? A Universal Novel? Aliens!” They all asked, one question per elephant.
“What, no!” Jack seemed upset by their questions. “Universal Novel? No, I’m going to create something marvelous.” His eyes glowed madly (great for parties!). “I will create the most awesome thing ever, a flying toaster that speaks French and can cook a ham!”
“What’s French?”
“What’s a toaster?”
“What’s ham?” They may remember a lot, but they still aren’t that bright.
Vin had a question too. “How does that have anything to do with a universal translator!?!”
Three elephant faces and one human glanced at her and said in unison, “Isn’t that obvious?” Vin suddenly felt as though she had missed something obvious and important in the plot (but she hadn’t, there’s not even a plot to miss). Her face began to feel red hot beneath the mask, causing it to smoke a little bit. Happily for her, Jack forgot she was there and intervened.
“Yes, a toaster! It’s an invention of mine!” The elephants nodded vigorously, thirsty for him to continue, and for water. “You see, you put bread into it, and it comes out burnt…”
“Why would you burn bread on purpose?” Phil didn’t get it (I don’t either… who came up with the idea of toast).
“To eat it of course!”
“But… who would want to eat burnt bread?”
“Everyone! It will make millions someday!”
“What are millions?”
“See, I even have the patent on it!”
“Patent?”
“Oh yes,” Jack carried on excitedly. “It’s another creation of mine… but I haven’t patented the patent yet…”
This is where I plan to end this little bit of insanity (with dumb elephants that talk and a man who only says crazy things, the dialogue could fill up the rest of the book if I don’t stop it) by introducing another character. “Excuse me,” interrupted the raspy voice of my new character. No one had notice him before (because he didn’t exist until I mentioned him) but they were all a bit afraid at first glance… except Jack. It took the elephants one look into the new arrival’s hood for them to all faint into a dog pile on one another (those poor dogs at the bottom). When Jack glanced into the man’s hood, he simply muttered about how rudely interrupted he had been. “Forgive me for interrupting you senor, but I’m not used to waiting for anyone.” Jack waved a hand and said it was nothing. “Could you ever be so kind as to help me?”
“Why,” Jack said, with obvious revitalization in his voice (odd… considering who he was talking to), “I’m always ready to help. Perhaps you wish to learn about my new invention that I invented just last month! Flupperware!” His smile was boyish and… lacking any sanity to back it up.
“Sorry, no.” Vin had not been able to look into the things hood, but there was something about his dry responses that set off alarm bells in her head, alarm bells that hurt. “I’m looking for someone actually…”
“A god? Because…”
“No, I am looking for a senora Vinegar.” Perhaps it was the Spanish accent (that I am mimicking horribly, I know) in that voice that sounded like a field of hay. Or maybe it was the cloak… Or, perhaps, Vin was most creeped out that this creepy figure was looking for her.
“Ah, well,” Jack said cheerfully. “She’s right over there.”
“Gracias.” The figure turned towards Vin, allowing her to see into the cloak as well. Vin fainted onto the elephant pile on top of the dog pile.
“Oh,” responded Jack with some surprise. “I’m sorry sir; I don’t know what came over her. She…”
“It’s alright, I have that effect on most people, I’m used to it.”
“Ah… err… well… You’re welcome to join us if you want. You and I can sit around and chat while we wait for her to wake up. We can talk about my invention if…”
“Yes, senor. I believe I will wait with you for her to wake up.”
“Great! I’m Jack, and you would be?”
Phil had regained consciousness just long enough to see the hooded figure again. He wailed “its death!” before passing out once more.
“Please,” death said. “Call me Carlos.”
“Carlos?”
“Si, or the Grim Reaper… Carlos has many names.”
As you can tell, this chapter just introduces people.
Chapter 1
