DrKilljoy

Joseph Krielenier has never seen the world. Not as we see our world. Joseph Krielenier was born August 5th of 1987 a month premature. His mother Marlyn Krielenier died giving birth to her five pound baby boy who was put into the custody of his mothers grandparents since he was a bastard child whose father had disappeared two months into his mother’s pregnancy. After spending one month in the Essex County Hospital in New York Joseph’s grandparents took him to their home in the town of Essex. They were told that Joseph cried often for strange reasons and sporadically during the nights. Much more than any normal newborn would cry.
Joseph’s grandparents, Elloise and Martin Preman lived on the edge of the Boquet River on the Northeast side of town. Elloise was always a short skinny woman who’d always been active. Long and slowly graying hair, just like Joseph’s mother. Martin was a farmer for majority of his life but arthritis took it’s toll after so long and now he works as the manager of a local diner. Both of them moved from Germany at the ages of twenty in 1945 on May 8th by way of a small boat which left from Northern Scotland.
Over the years Joseph would often disappear to the edge of the river and sit for hours at a time staring into the water. He was put on various medications at the age of eight for a severe form of depression; but none of the medications ever showed any sign of working.
By the age of fourteen Joseph would sometimes be heard talking to himself. His grandmother believed he made himself an imaginary friend but one day it went to far…

September 11th of 2001

“Is he alright?” Elloise asked the tall gray haired doctor who was treating Joseph. His nametag read Dr. Morse. He wore the usual family doctor outfit that anyone could imagine. He had heavy and thick glass propped on the ridge of his nose with his pale blue eyes reading over a folder in his hand.
“Well Mrs. Preman, I’m not sure what to say. He seems alright, but he’s complaining of a horrible headache and his nose just stopped bleeding. But Mrs. Preman…did you have the television on this morning, did you see the news?”
“Yes, but Joseph was at school and they didn’t have any televisions on; wait, do you think that Joseph…”
“It’s possible; he said his head began to hurt quite a bit at about 8:48. Not long after the first plane. I’m finding this very strange Mrs. Preman. Now, I know being a doctor I should do what I can to help and this is the best I can do. Visit this address in Willsboro, he may know more than I can even begin to help.”
“Thank Dr. Morse; you know I can trust you with whatever you do.”
“Come on out Joseph.” Dr. Morse called back to Joseph. Joseph came out of the examination room with a rag on his nose that still had bits of blood on it. “Go ahead and keep it Joseph, just in case it starts bleeding again.”
“Thank you Mr. Morse.” Joseph responded in a hoarse voice. Joseph was shorter than most other boys his age but smarter than most. Although he’d have some problems in school, he’d always seem to get through flawlessly. He had short brown hair and blue-green eyes. His grandmother always told him he had the eyes of his father. Although once when she had told him when he was seven and she had told him that he simply responded “I know that!” She dismissed it as being a child although she had thoughts about it time to time.
“Here’s the address Elloise, I hope you get some help.”
“Umm…may I ask who this is?” She asked curiously.
“He’s a spiritual kind of person. I know it sounds silly, but that was the first thing that crossed my mind when Joseph told me his headache started. If anything, go there and see what he has to offer. Tell him I sent you.”
“Thank you again, tell your wife hello for me next time you see her.”
“I’ll do that.”

“Grandma, what happened to all those people?”
“What people honey?”
“In the buildings, a lot of them died.”
“Honey, it’s difficult to explain.”
“C’mon grandma, I’m fourteen. You treat me like I’m ten!”
“Well, alright. Some planes crashed into those buildings. I saw it on the news, they don’t know what happened yet, but I’m sure they will know soon.”
“But I was told they were hijacked.”
“Joseph!”
“But they said…”
“Damnit Joseph, don’t listen to those boys at school. They’ve lied to you before and they lie again!”
“But it wasn’t them…”
“Joseph, don’t lie to me now. You do not joke about things like this.”
“But grandma I’m not. She just told me…it was the lady…” Joseph said with his eyes swelling up.
“Who? A nurse in the doctors office?”
“No…she’s right there.” He said pointing to the ground next to him. “She said she saw it…”
“Joseph, are you lying to me?”
He was crying about now. “I’m not lying…I’m not. The others are saying it too. They all are…” He said holding the clothe Dr. Morse had given him back up to his nose. “Please…” He cried as his nose began to dribble blood again.
“…what’s going on Joseph…” She asked quietly. “…what is it?” She said with her hands on his shoulders.
Joseph fell towards her unconscious.
“Joseph! Joseph! Honey, are you okay? Joseph!”

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Red Misery

Okay, the beginning threw me completely. The beginning should be a hool for a reader, to make me think 'this is good' and read on because I am interested. Yours, however, is simply aninfo dump. It tells me things I probably don't need to know, and it TELLS me them without SHOWING anything. It bored me, as it would bore anyone who reads it You need to start with something more gripping. I suggest you start with 'is he alright' and delete the entire first section, because it brings the piece down.

You are a good writer, so I know you will take this the right way.. or I hope you will.

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You are harmless and noiseless as any of these old chair; in short, I never feel so private as when I know you are here

Kira the wanderer

There should be a comma after "New York's".

I never heard anybody call their doctor Mister before, so perhaps calling him "Dr. Morse" instead of "Mr. Morse" would seem more natural.

You tell us a lot about the character, which is very good. You make him more realistic this way, but pilling up information in this manner is not good nor does it make the story interesting. I can see where this is going and you must have the reader following close behind lingering on every word, not be putten to sleep because its like a school text book spweing out information. Show. Try for this section here something to the effect of, "Being smarter than the other kids at school often lead to problems, his shortness of height also seemed to make him a target of the other boys, yet he always managed to get himself out of those situations flawlessly. As he left the doctor's office his grandmother glanced down at him, right into his blue-green eyes that she always told him he inherited from his father."

Not word for word obviously, but some showing is a lot better than globbing everything out at once. Trust me, a lot more people enjoy the showing aspect of writing than the telling. (Telling is when you say "He did this, then that. He looked like this and acted like that. He then did this, then something else." Showing would be starting with what they were doing first, as though it were happening riht then and there. Like in the movies. They don't tell you what is going to happen first, they just let it unfold.)


This here gives too much away. You don't need it, especially since it is an unnatural assumption by the grandmother and you rely too heavily on it. Enitrely unneeded.


It also is very unnatural for a doctor to immediately think this. I can't see this as actually happening unless he had delt with this before.

You should capatailize "grandma" because that is what he calls her. For a fourteen year old kid he sure is wimpy and sensitive. Why would someone that age, a boy especially, start crying because his Grandma doesn't believe him? Also, this dialogue here is very predictable.


Okay, a lokt is going on here and it is all predictable and too informative. You need to show more as stated above and the characters are hardly believable. A good idea, yes, but poorly set up. Minor tweaks can greatly improve this. Take everything that is not needed out, which I must agree with Red Misery includes everything from before "Is he alright?"

It is very easy to figure it out, you should hook your readers by suspending them by the mystery of everything. If Joseph just comes out and says that the lady was there, who died, even though he's seen dead people since he was small it seems unnatural. Why now? Why not say anything when you are little, when it is more innocent to do so? Shouldn't he hesitate or change the subject? Doesn't he care about what will be thought of him? Keep these things in mind. Put people you know in these situations and think about how they will react.

This is a good story that just needs to be re-done in certain parts, after checking it over I'm sure you will create something golden.

DrKilljoy

Heh, still workin on how I write.
Thanks for the critiques!
I guess you could still say when it comes to writing a story and using certain descriptions, I'm still pretty faulty. Takes practice. I've read over some other peoples stories and shorties on here and I'll say that some of you write well. So I'm hoping to get to that point (or somewhere around that point eventaully).

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