thamior

yea, its only the first page, so its not much. But lyrics are my thing and I havent written anything along this vein in awhile so I'm trying to see if I have any skill with it at all, tell me what you think.

Perhaps it wasn’t meant to be, perhaps fate was set against him, there, to be opposed at every angle, in every place, maybe there was something wrong with him. Haunus looked up from the ground at which he had been staring, sitting on his bed as the rain poured outside, beating and thrashing upon the windows in his room. A dull roar, not unlike thunder, gathered in his ears and served to shove him further through the depressive state he was in.

She was beautiful, perfect, and no one else could compare. Haunus’ smile would quickly flash when thought of her passed his mind, but it would quickly fade as he was stabbed by the blade of reality, it was not to be. What had been certainly was not now, and Haunus couldn’t understand why everything had changed, why she had so quickly lost the feelings she had, but then, nothing in the world made sense. People died, wars fought on, and the gaps between success and failure increased every day, it seemed the world was one giant mess and hurtling to its inevitable collapse.

It was still dark outside and yet Haunus had to get out of bed and prepare for the day as school was just an hour away. He rummaged through his shirts, found some clean pants and quickly unstuffed a pair of socks, sliding them on his feet. Haunus darted out of his room and performed his daily ritual of hygiene, ending with a thorough cleansing of his face. When at last all these things were done he took a look in the mirror, to ensure that his appearance was decent for the world. Staring back was a reflection that none would find attractive, but none would find ugly either. His visage had an average complexion, round face with somewhat defined features, and deep green eyes with brown hair. But it was his hair that set him apart, for his most unique feature was a white swath of hair that cut cleanly across his head from the top all the way down to a point a few inches from the tip of his nose. The rest of his hair had been trimmed back from his forehead, but he had enjoyed accentuating his oddity.

Rushing back and forth, Haunus had managed to gather the articles needed to survive his day, and as an afterthought he decided to bring his walking stick. Double checking all of his thoughts and things, as he was always prone to forget, he set out from his apartment and headed downstairs. Most everyone lived in apartment complexes now, it was the only way to house the expanded population, most apartments were bigger than their less used predecessors, but everyone always wished they had just a little more space. If you were wealthy, you could buy multiple floors, but the demand was so high, and the supply so low, that buying just one apartment was expensive enough, and the cost of living only continued to rise.

As Haunus stepped outside he was greeted by a strong breeze of, damp, cool air that blew in under the overhang, his last protection from the rain. He could smell the precipitation, and the moisture began to seep into his skin. Haunus took in a breath and then headed out, his walking stick the only sound as it clunked and clanked with the ground. His walking stick was just another oddity the he had aquired, he had found the stick during a weekend camping retreat a couple years back. There were few wild areas left, but some had been maintained by law, and he had snuck out a gnarled, twisted, but sturdy piece of wood that he had found during a short walk alone through the woods during that trip. It had become a prized possession, and he loved swinging it around, or taking it with him when he walked, but he seldom did so, and had only brought it today by chance of thought.

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Dark and Shattered Lands

zoya_brar

i read this but i am at office and cant give you a crit as of now .. i ll do that once i get home.. as of now all i can say is that i like it and this could develop into something beautiful if only tweaked a bit

VinrAlfakyn

I like it. I agree with Zoya, it looks like it could develop into something really good. Keep at it!

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"I have not heard him laugh often, and it has always boded ill to somebody." -Dr. Watson, speaking of Sherlock Holmes, The Hound of the Baskervilles

" 'I wish I knew how you reach your results.'
" 'I reached this one,' said Sherlock Holmes, 'by sitting upon five pillows and consuming an ounce of shag.' " -The Man with the Twisted Lip

Crash_Tomas

ohh where in massachusetts are you in? i live tehre too! and yeah this could develop into something very good as the others before me said, some words could be replaced with better stuff but its your style so yeah, well great job~

C.T. Davidson~

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I'm Gonna Be A Modern Day Drifter...

"Life is Like a Novel With the End Ripped Out."
-Rascal Flatts, "Stand."

"Broken Promises and Endless Lies, Mindless Guesses and Darkened Skies..." -Thanks Tham~

demon_

Hey, man. Read it, liked it. Tweaking is deffinatly needed int his one... I could probably critique it but I'm probably too rusty at that (after several months).

And, I'm confused.... what is Haunus' world set in? In parts, it sounded mordern then it a couple of parts fantasy....

Sounds promising... continue on.

Demon

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Nowhuttumsayen?
click on the spoiler for YOUR health...

thamior

exactly ok, and any word suggestions are fine by me, I'l ladmit I dont always have the best word choice, but if you think its good enough to continue on I will add to it, just keep checking back, though from here on out I'll hopefully be posting in chapters so it may be a bit.

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Dark and Shattered Lands

Akroma

I like the style of you're writing! It's really descriptive and somehow quite poetic. Just...I love it! Do write more. I want to know what happens now.

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A story that's having a go at being epic fantasy...but with the modern world, vampires and werewolves mixed into the cocktail as well...

thamior

I'm glad you liked it, I will continue, but I am a poet, so its permeates into my fiction, and makes it take lnger, I need a good, long inspiration.

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Dark and Shattered Lands

flower617

awesome poetic work

thamior

I started adding the second page, but I have yet to really get going on the rest of the chapter.

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Dark and Shattered Lands

Oasis Writer

Quote:

Perhaps it wasn’t meant to be, perhaps fate was set against him, there, to be opposed at every angle, in every place, maybe there was something wrong with him.

This will be the first one I present to you. This sentence, although you used the grammar correctly in places, was very unorganized and messed with the flow. You did this a few times throughout the story, and it might just be style, but the excessive pauses that you put in with the commas, and several changes make it harder to follow.

Quote:

Haunus’ smile would quickly flash when thought of her passed his mind, but it would quickly fade as he was stabbed by the blade of reality, it was not to be.

That part is overwordy and messes with the flow. Maybe: the blade of reality stabbed him

Quote:

It was still dark outside and yet Haunus had to get out of bed and prepare for the day as school was just an hour away. He rummaged through his shirts, found some clean pants, (Comma) and quickly unstuffed a pair of socks, sliding them on his feet.

Add the comma, and I don't think unstuffed is a word , and if it is, is a poor word to use.

Quote:

As Haunus stepped outside, (Comma) he was greeted by a strong breeze of, damp, cool air that blew in under the overhang, his last protection from the rain.

Comma after transition.

Quote:

Haunus took in a breath and then headed out, his walking stick the only sound as it clunked and clanked with the ground. His walking stick was just another oddity the he had aquired, he had found the stick during a weekend camping retreat a couple years back.

Typo - acquired.

Quote:

There were few wild areas left, but some had been maintained by law, and he had snuck out a gnarled, twisted, but sturdy piece of wood that he had found during a short walk alone through the woods during that trip.

Another flow-stopper. Maybe: law had maintained some

Quote:

When at last all these things were done, (Comma) he took a look in the mirror, to ensure that his appearance was decent for the world.

Comma in transition.

Quote:

But it was his hair that set him apart, for his most unique feature was a white swath of hair that cut cleanly across his head from the top all the way down to a point a few inches from the tip of his nose.

I'm a firm believer that using but, or, and, or because in the beginning of the sentence is laziness unless fashionable, and that wasn't. I'd use However, or Nevertheless, (making sure to have the comma after both).

Quote:

The rest of his hair had been trimmed back from his forehead, but he had enjoyed accentuating his oddity.

Passive voice.

Quote:

Rushing back and forth, Haunus had managed to gather the articles needed to survive his day, and as an afterthought, (Comma) he decided to bring his walking stick.

Comma after transition.

The story was good, but like I said, there were several parts that were harder to read because it seemed rushed and jumbled, as if you were trying to fit a page worth of information in one sentence. It's a style, but it's harder to read sometimes.

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thamior

yea, this was a useful critique and when I sit down with the story again I will make changes. Two probelms though, there were a few areas where you mentioned something but didnt not offer suggestions, namely the passive voice and unstuffed, to be truthful I can tthink of anything better to replace them.

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Dark and Shattered Lands

Oasis Writer

Unstuffed part - I'd just find another word that is similar to it.

Passive voice, is formatting, maybe rewrite that part there, or leave it, because the passive voice isn't exactly the biggest of problems.

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