Thread: Raven (Vampires, Werewolves, Demons, Angels!)

Please don't plagiarise, as this is my pride and joy. No offence is intended in any way or form concerning the content of this story. I have tried not to include any unsuitable material for this site but if you find something offensive, please feel free to contact me and I offer my deepest apologies.

This is a story about three parallell worlds - the human world, the demon world and the world of angels. It is about vampires, werewolves, a war and friendship and love. So if all these things take your fancy, read on!

A word of warning - I'm trying to make it into a proper novel-style book so some chapters will be pretty long...but I've put regular breaks in them so it's easier to leave then pick up again when you get tired of reading. The first couple of chapters I also realise aren't that great but please stick with it, I promise it will get a lot better. More action and magic and...well...stuff. Hope you enjoy it!

Just as an edit, quite a lot of people are printing this off to read because it's so long. If you want to do that, Private Message me and I'll send you a printable version because, apparently, if you tried to print from here it would be like 100 pages. My version is only 53 or something...still a lot but if you can do it on both sides...well!

Prologue

The snow falls thickly upon the city of Asperia, fluttering and swirling in the wind like so many feathers. Feathers so white and pure as if from the wings of angels, frozen into those delicate crystalline shapes only my eyes can perceive. They swirl round and round in a whirlwind of controlled chaos to land oh so lightly upon the ground, already forming a deep blanket upon the rooftop on which I stand, unmoved by the wind, unbitten by the cold.

Far below me the streets glitter with the warm welcoming lights of the human world; shops and restaurants, flickering street lamps and the forever passing lights of transport. Transport now so developed that the air is thick with it, like a swarm of mechanical wasps barely avoiding each other. Down below people make their way along streets that wind in sharp angles around their tall sky scrapers, walking fast, lost in a world of their own as they march heavily against the snow, completely undisturbed by the swarming turmoil above them.

Though several hundred feet below me, I hear their footsteps as they crush the fragile stars of ice beneath their feet; their muttered conversations; even the slight jangling of keys in pockets as I block out the consistent roar of machinery. I see a family of birds taking refuge in a congested gutter, now accustomed to this world of metal.

As I watch from my eyrie, I wonder at how much the world has changed since my death. Everything completely transformed from what it was almost seven hundred years ago when I was still alive – a young woman in my mid-twenties. That part of my life I have almost forgotten…almost.

I stand on the brink, looking out at this scar that is Asperia. Once a beautiful and historical city, it is now a slave to electricity like so many others. The old Saints Bridge is broken and the winding cobbled streets lined with old houses are demolished. Nothing historical is left in this world of modernisation. All tradition has ceased to exist.

Still I am glad that the great forests and plains of the continent are left untouched, the extensive cities dotting around it like colossal craters in the earth. The humans quickly realised that without the natural regions, their race would perish. An immense wall was raised around the city and no one now ventures far into the reaches of the wilderness, fearing the unknown that lies within its dark boundaries. Childbirth is controlled. Food is plentiful. And the humans live on in peace within their metal cocoon, still ignorant and unaware of the worlds that live parallel alongside them.

Something awakens inside me. I know that before long I must gain sustenance. I have stood here for too long watching the human world, listening to the soft rain of snow, feeling it brush my white cheeks. Somewhere beyond the walls a wolf is howling. It is time to go home.

For the first time in hours I stir; a blink; a flexing of the fingers. Then I launch myself into the swirling mass of chaos below me. It seems for eternity that I fall, narrowly avoiding high speed aircrafts and vehicles. As if time itself is slowed right down, I see the train intercepting my line of fall, a gigantic centipede of the sky. Vertically driving snow smashes against its windscreen, too slow to avoid its soaring velocity. As it passes beneath me, I reach out a hand and feel the smooth metal sliding underneath my fingertips as it passes by. Then my fingers grasp a handhold and all of a sudden time seems to speed up again.

I am yanked to my left so quickly that it should have broken my bones. But it does not. I hang on tightly as the train veers and spirals through the air, bringing me closer to the Wall. When I am as close to it as possible, I loosen my hold and slip off the vehicle, landing neatly upon another rooftop. The feeling inside me is strong now; I know I must be swift. Here, near the Wall, Asperia is quieter; less people are inclined to leave the warmth of their homes for the bustling night-life at the centre.

A man walks beneath me. He strolls nonchalantly, hands in pockets, whistling softly. His scent is warm and musky, mingled with the slight hint of leather and tobacco; I catch the shampoo in his hair; the salt of his skin; the blood in his veins.

I follow him, moving easily over the rooftops or across the building faces, creeping like a panther; a shadow flowing like liquid night across the hard stone walls. Still several feet above him, I step to the edge of a sheer drop. I look into the black chasm below and jump.

Such a fall would kill a human being, shattering bones in the impact, but I land silently behind the unsuspecting man with the precision of a cat. It is dark here. Very dark. A backstreet between houses. I feel bad for this stranger. But he is one of many; so many.

He is young, still untouched by the cruel lines of time, his body exquisitely built. His scent is strong now, almost driving me to madness, the hunger rising up inside me like a wave. He does not notice my presence until I am swept up beside him, holding him close. A gasp of surprise escapes his lips as I bury my face in his neck, my lips brushing his smooth skin. He struggles but his strength is no match to mine. I press him closer, feeling the perfectly toned muscles beneath his shirt, my fingers entwining with his silky hair. Such perfection in my arms, his warm flesh against me almost too much to bear. He utters a low groan as I sink my teeth into his neck.

Images come to me then. Many images as I feel his life flowing over my tongue, quenching my thirst. His name is Lukas. He works at a restaurant. He has a girlfriend; she is very beautiful. He dreams of being married to her one day and working as a pilot. More images and memories crowd my head and I feel him dying.

As I lower his lifeless body to the floor, I grieve for his family; his lover; his stolen life. But I know he will go to Dantalion to be with Hsaru in that magical world I have yet to see. I both grieve and envy those that I take out of this world…

*♥*

My name is Raven, and I am one of the few vampires left in existence. This is my story; a story of love and of war; of angels and demons; and of the created races. Come with me and learn of my city, my Gods and what happened in the war between the great realms of Dantalion and Naberus. Come with me back seven hundred years ago; back to when I was still alive…and still mortal…

Nothing wrong with that as far as I can see. I absolutely loved the first paragraph describing the snow. I love snow, and the way you described it, you make it seem so mystical.
You have a real talent for description, and I think I'll be a regular viewer to this thread, and hope to help you out in any way I can.

vampires and werewolves and demons, oh my!

alright, i watched the wizard of oz very recently

but all kidding aside. this was a great way to start off a story. and i agree about the description of the snow.

if i saw this book in a store and picked it up to read the back cover, this is the kind of book i would buy.

very nice

just 2 more things

i love the name raven... but i cant tell if its a she or a he..? eek!

and also i think this is going to have a sad ending...but i hope not.

anyway, good work

Originally Posted by Anarosa

i love the name raven... but i cant tell if its a she or a he..? eek!

Lol, Raven's a girl. I guess I should have put that in somewhere...But I guess you'd have found out on the second chapter And I wont spoil the ending for you

Thanks for your comments, everyone. It's nice to know that something's going right lol.

no problem. haha its cool, i want the ending to be surprising

oh yeah, and i have this feeling that you are one of those people who has a big thing for anything supernatural. vamps. werewolve. shape-shifters. anything like that. am i right?

if i am, then you are going to like alot of my stories i think...or atleast my characters. haha

any preference for demi-gods? because i have one of those too..

anyway.. enough self-promotion, ive barely even started posting those stories yet.

(but there is a bit in the critique and advice section thats from the one with the god...*wink*)

Hey,

I love the imagry thats spelt wrong that you've used in the prologue its better than it was originally. Can't wait to see where you are taking this I'll see you soon.
Love you

Wow! This is great! Your craft of words is wonderful! I agree, this is the type of book I would read. I will be back to read more.

Hey, Akroma, go to illwillpress.com and watch Foamy Fan Mail IX, it might help you.

Dear Akroma,

Your beginning has a strong sense of the aesthetic, the stylistic, something which can be emphasised within the less formal boundaries of a prologue. You exploit this well, and it gives the necessary hook to continue reading on. I enjoyed it a great deal.

Some of your descriptions are a delight:

I stand on the brink, looking out at this scar that is Asperia.

I see the train intercepting my line of fall, a gigantic centipede of the sky.

...a shadow flowing like liquid night across the hard stone walls.

These are highlights amidst a generally well-written and poetic narrative.

You also hint at a potentially very interesting character in Raven. It is clear she does what she does out of necessity; she is not inspired by malice, nor just hunting for sport. She feels guilt for taking life, and this of course suggests a human sensibility, essential for a protagonist. But she is also pragmatic, accepting what she has to do to survive, and therefore not overly sentimental. This is a nice juxtaposition.

As is important with such expressive openings, you mostly avoid the trap of exposition. You show us what she can see, and you don't submit to any clunky explanations of the world at large. This is our introduction to Raven more than it is to the city of Asperia, and your writing conveys this well.

However, in saying this, you do perhaps explain too much to us in your sixth paragraph (Still I am glad...), one which, to me, felt a little forced and out of context with the rest of the piece. And whilst I am being a little critical, there were one or two issues that I would quickly like to touch upon.

Firstly, the opening paragraph, whilst artistically written, left me feeling indifferent. I didn't feel this at any other point in your prologue, but here I couldn't help but think 'style over substance'. So many stories in the fantasy genre begin climatologically, explaining in great and wondrous detail the every day occurrence of precipitation or sunshine. It feels like you are trying a little too hard in your opening paragraph, and it adds little to the story itself.

Secondly, there were just one or two segments of narrative that grated with me:

That part of my life I have almost forgotten…almost.

Vertically driving snow smashes against its windscreen

The use of the 'almost... almost' tool seems a little tired these days. It sounds punchier, and less hackneyed, without the second 'almost'.

The use of 'smashes' as the adverb seems out of place, a little excessive.

These are small things, though, and, of course, merely my opinions (all other reviewers here seem to love the opening, so what do I know?). They certainly don't detract from what is an excellent and enticing beginning. I have no doubt that I would read more, should you decide to post it, and who can ask for more than that?

Kind regards,

Chaeronia

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Nice job there Two projects I have also done before, Vampires and Angels. Of course it was done separately but...oh well.

It was very good written very well, creative, got my attention. I'm really looking forward to reading more. I'm hoping you do a good job with vampires. I'd have to say Underworld (the movies) didn't do much for me at all. I just want to warn you though, try to be mindful of clichés! I didn't see any but, "angels and demons" "angels and vampires" "love and war" its all edging on cliché. I'm sure you've got some really great idea behind it, and I'm not saying I saw anything cliché, I just wouldn't want to see it go cliché at all, not with your writing skill.

Hope to see more soon, good job!

Alice
PS: I hate to push my own writing, makes me feel vain, but you might like some of mine. My vampire piece I took off the forum (I sent it into a contest) but if you want I can PM you work again, awesome job

It was a great Prologue, I enjoyed it very much

Thanks, Chaeronia for your advice! I'll have a look over the prologue Yeah I guess I wanted to put in a lot of detail at the beginning cos Raven's eyes can see so much more detail than she can write and she likes to sometimes go off on one lol...and she has a really strong appreciation for everything beautiful and poetic. It's how she sees the world

Alice. I'd love to read some of your work. I'll keep an eye out for you

Thanks for your comments everyone!

x x x