Thread: Raven (Vampires, Werewolves, Demons, Angels!)

*tries to find a smilie that portrays happiness, with happy tears and fails miserably* Ah! I'm touched! I love you, Anarosa! Yes I think I will marry him *wink wink* Though perhaps in a few years time lol I'm only 19!

Glad the story's making more sense now!

anytime akroma, anytime.

hehe. i know..they should have more versital emoticons around here

I can’t help but feel a little deflated with the first chapter; it seems rushed and formulaic in comparison to a flamboyant and intriguing prologue. I agree with Jimmycracker in that the dialogue was turgid, somewhat forced. The love between Sethis and Raven is something you obviously want to accentuate, so that we can empathise with Raven when she comes to lose it through her transformation. But I think you try too hard, to the point where the dialogue becomes sickly sweet.

“I just can’t imagine being without you,” I whispered.

“If something happened to you…I couldn’t live…I couldn’t live without you,” I said. “I couldn’t bear it, not seeing your face; feeling your touch; hearing your voice…

“Sshhh,” Sethis cut through my ramblings. “Don’t think about that. Nothing’s going to tear us apart. I’ll love you forever, ok?”

For me, this is just too much; it cloys the palate. Like Jimmy says, it feels unnatural.

Also, in this section, Raven’s testament that their blissful happiness cannot last is too obvious, too portentous. You basically beat the reader over the head with the notion that it’s all going to go wrong. And soon!

Which was another problem I had: the pacing. I couldn’t help but think it was rushed, as if you just couldn’t wait to get to the point where Raven is changed. This obviously would be an exciting thing to write, a fiery, emotional crux to dig your literary teeth into, but, for me, it arrives all too quickly. You don’t really expand on your character before you write about her life-changing experience. This means there is a lack of empathy, as the reader has little chance to become interested in her. And if there is a lack of interest in her, then there will be a lack of interest in what happens to her.

Maybe, also, this is why your dialogue seems too forced: it seems you are using the obvious dialogue to quickly ascertain the loving relationship between Raven and Sethis, so that you can then get onto the real business of writing plot and action. That may not be the case, but it is how it feels to me.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is that there is a lack of subtlety.

You certainly have the ability to write well, and some of the flourishes so apparent in the prologue are evident in the opening chapter. But overall, in my opinion, it doesn’t stand up to the promise initially shown.

I have yet to read the second chapter, but I will try to get round to it soon.

Kind regards,

Chaeronia

Well I guess it starts abruptly because when people read things like this online then I think they get easily bored. If you don't drag people in at the start then you lose them for the rest.

I read the Black Magician trilogy by Trudi Canavan, and the first half of the first book was unbearably slow and heavy going; but since it was on paper I could stick it out to the excellent bits. I wanted to avoid that slow start, but maybe I've made it too "thrown in the deep end" instead. If it was a novel rather than something I was posting online then I'd expand it, but I'm unsure of how to do so and still keep a sense of pace to it.

Any tips from anyone?

Write faster, dammit.

It is just as easy to be bored by plot-driven action then it is to be bored by scene or character-setting narrative and dialogue. Action doesn’t necessarily mean a hook for the reader, especially when this action is so important, happening to the main character, and is shown to us before we are able to get a proper sense of what the main character is about (but, importantly, after we have been given a hurried synopsis of the MC’s life that is not sufficient). We know the action is important but there is a lack of care because of the way the writer has forcibly tried to inject too much meaning into too short a space previous to it. The overriding feeling, for me, is one of contrivance.

One tip I have might sound like a contradiction at first. What about introducing us to Raven with the scene of her transformation, starting with the line: I was five minutes away from our house when it happened? It’s a good opening line, a good hook, and you can go straight into the action. The crucial difference is that it removes the aforementioned contrivance by sidestepping the scenes with Sethis and, if written well, the action can continue the aesthetic feel started so well in the prologue. Backstory - such as the relationship with Sethis - can then be shown through flashback narrative, or merely as standard narrative.

Sethis is obviously a key component to Raven’s transformation, as it highlights what she has lost now she is a vampire, but you are too obvious, too quick, in showing us this. By starting with Raven’s change, you are still able to show this yearning she must feel for him. Perhaps she stalks him, perhaps she has a desperate need to feed from him because of their emotional link. Perhaps she wants to make him one of them. If so, all the backstory can be shown to us through her thought process, and her cavernous sense of loss can just as easily be portrayed.

The key is this: the reason for the ‘I love you Sethis/it’s all going to go wrong, Sethis’ dialogue at the beginning is to establish Raven’s relationship so that when she loses it it’s a huge blow to them both. Empathy is created for the protagonist, drawing the reader in. I would therefore be tempted to expand on this, add more subtlety - more words! - or I would kill it altogether and start with the action. The action scene suffers because of what has gone before it, so, for me, this is what needs to be worked on - expand or erase!

Of course, this is all just my opinion so you are welcome to tell me to go away and do something ungodly to myself...

You mention the Black Magician trilogy: I started to read this some months back but I became so bored by it after 150 pages I threw it aside. Was this because of a lack of action? Certainly not. It was because her writing is stilted, not helped when her themes are so hackneyed. Her characterisation is thin; her action scenes lack emotion and flair. On the other hand I am currently reading Kay’s Tigana (for the second time), where a hundred pages can go by without a scene of supposed 'action', but because of the way he paints his characters and displays their emotions, their thought processes, it more than substitutes for this. The way he moulds his characters is his action.

Anyway, that is long enough. I hope I’ve been of some help.

It would be interesting to hear other peoples’ opinions in more detail.

Kind regards,

Chaeronia

You mention the Black Magician trilogy: I started to read this some months back but I became so bored by it after 150 pages I threw it aside.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! You MUST pick it up again! I admit the first book is slow to get in to but once you get onto the second book and then the third, you WILL NOT be able to put it down! This trilogy is one of my favourites in the whole world! Pleas try and pick it up again. I cried like a baby at the end lol.

Chapter 3

I watched as the sparkling spout of water burst forth in a mass of shimmering stars and jewels, whole galaxies cascading into the opaque depths of the fountain’s pool. The city square.

From The Sanctuary I had broken into a run, tearing down the streets, not caring where I was heading. Lights of houses and shops flashed past me, snatches of conversation and hearty laughter faded in and out of my sense of hearing, exclamations as I pushed past surprised people – people that were heading home to families; pets; lives.

I do not know how long I was running for but I found myself in the city square, gasping for breath and alone in the night.

I now dipped my hand into the clear water, breaking the tight, undulating surface, ripples spreading out from my fingers like shock waves. I felt the cool water slipping through my fingers, caressing my hands as the droplets fell slowly across my skin like a thousand tears. I raised my face and looked at the still statue of the Mermaid, her young face drawn in an expression of longing, a yearning for someone she could not reach. Her well sculpted form lay seductively across the rocks while her tail disappeared into the bubbling waters of the fountain. Did she too hate what she was? Did she long to be human, this girl frozen in granite?

I sighed and stared up at the stars. Already I could feel myself growing stronger, my senses sharper. Where could I go? Home? Never – I would never let Sethis see what kind of deformed monster I had become. The sorrow welled up inside me as I imagined his horrified face as he backed away from me, his revulsion so strong I could almost taste it. Would I never see him again? Never hold him, kiss him…tell him that I love him…

The tears were already falling down my cheeks, choking in my throat. He would think I was dead by now for certain. He will have to move on…find someone else to love…carry on with life without me. And I without him…

Then, sitting there next to that sparkling fountain, I cried. I completely let myself go and cried long and hard for a lover harshly torn from my heart, from my life, the waves of grief washing over me, shaking my body and twisting my soul. And all the while the little mermaid remained as still as ever, also to mourn for eternity.

It was getting late by the time I stood up and left the demi-fish by her watery grave. A hunger had started up in my stomach that gradually got worse until I started to feel quite weak. Hiding my white face and luminous eyes behind my black mane of hair, I bought a bottle of water and a sandwich from a 24-hour corner shop. But when I put the food to my lips, it tasted of nothing as if my tongue had no taste buds. Quickly I tried to swallow it but it stuck in my throat and I choked, my stomach heaving until I’d spat the tasteless lump out of my mouth. Shaking, I took a gulp of water and, this time, threw up onto the pavement. I stared in horror at what I had spilled onto the floor: Blood. Blood the vampires must have forced down me these past four days to sustain me until I regained consciousness.

I did not notice that two men had come to my aid. One had kindly tucked his arm under mine to support me, the other asking if I was alright, until he saw the blood splayed out on the floor and exclaimed,

“Jesus, she’s throwing up blood! We have to take her to a hospital!”

The scent of their living flesh filled my nostrils like a driving madness, almost too much to bear. I could hardly control myself, my body was screaming for sustenance.

“No…” I cried, trying to fight them off. “You don’t understand…let me go…!”

But still they hustled me down the street, trying to calm the poor, sick young lady, who was going into shock.

“Please! Listen! For your own good…”

“Hush now, dear, we’re almost there.”

I could not contain myself any longer. I could see the very vein pulsing with blood in the man’s neck closest to me, sticking out slightly from beneath the skin. My body ached for it, to just clamp my teeth onto his throat and suck the life out of him; the blood…

“NO!” I screamed and broke away from them, running as fast as I could against the driving hunger. Weakened as I was, I could still run, and I stumbled down a dark street, my trench coat flying behind me.

My head was reeling; I could not focus properly. Suddenly something crossed my path – a cat; a stray that was covered in dirt and mud and sewage. Patches of its fur was missing and its eyes were a milky yellow. My body took over my mind and, before I knew what I was doing, I had the mangy thing in my hands, struggling and hissing uselessly. I was squeezing it so hard in my frenzy that I heard its little bones breaking as it screamed dreadfully in my grasp. But I did not let go. I could not. It was so warm against my skin, its little heart racing wildly in my head, becoming irregular and pulsing hard.

I brought the cat up to my face. My mind was screaming for me to stop, but my body would not obey me. The greasy, dirty fur touched my lips and I wanted to recoil in revulsion. Instead, I sank my teeth into its flea-infested neck.

Relief flooded my system as warm blood flowed into my mouth and down my scorching throat, my aching muscles relaxing and my body becoming stronger again. I couldn’t stop. I pressed the creature closer to my mouth, breaking its neck as I sucked harder, so much blood pouring out of such a small thin body.

Only when it was totally drained and stone dead did I come back to my senses. I threw it down in a wave of disgust, a surprised cry escaping my lips. It lay unmoving, a mass of matted fur and shrunken flesh, its head bent at a sickly angle to its shoulders, various bones here and there protruding from its bald patches.

“No…” I moaned. I could still taste the fresh blood in my mouth; still feel the hair prickling my lips. I wiped them furiously, desperately trying to get rid of that horrible feeling, my fingers scratching at them until they bled.

Feeling barbaric and repulsed, I ran away from the emaciated corpse.

*♥*

This must have been the longest night of my life. It seemed to never end. But at last it started to draw to a close and a twinge in my senses told me that dawn was coming. The sun! Did Lexan not say that the sun was one of our weaknesses? I looked around frantically, trying to find a dark place. A dark place! Where on earth would there be a completely dark place during the day?! I could see the sky getting dangerously light. To the human eye it was nothing, but I saw it – the subtle greying of the horizon that meant dawn would soon break out. My skin was tingling with the heat. Anxiously, I searched my mind for a place I could go. From the depths of my memory I dredged up an image of the old ruined cathedral in a disused part of the city. Breaking out into a run, I made my way to that holy place.

By the time I reached it, looming up dark and sinister before me, my skin was burning on my face and hands. Stumbling through the wreckage of broken pews, ivy-covered walls, crumbling floors and shattered windows, I looked for a trap door. With the growing light I had trouble focusing and I searched the floor with my cracked and bleeding hands. At last my fingers crushed against a cold iron ring connected to a thick slab of stone. Screaming from the pain of my boiling blood as the grey dawn reached for me, I summoned all my strength and gradually started to lift the heavy concrete block. Hinges groaned, stone crumbled and still I pulled for my life. Any minute the sun’s rays would shoot out from the horizon and disintegrate me to ashes and dust. The gap was getting bigger as I heaved, the dark, dank smell of tombs creeping out of the hole and filling my nostrils. I felt like my hair was burning, my flesh bubbling upon my sizzling bones. At last I hurled the concrete slab aside and threw myself into the gaping black hole, my body crushing against a spiral of stone steps. I fell, tumbling and twisting down into the black chambers, the smell of earth enclosing me. All figment of light was swallowed up and cool darkness welcomed me.

I hit the bottom and lay there, shaking from the near experience of being burned alive and the pain of my broken bones and bleeding skin. I had survived. I had found darkness. Weariness overwhelmed me then and I could feel unconsciousness closing in. Just before a deep sleep took me, my last thoughts were of the sky breaking out high above me. The light, the colours…all unfolding in its natural beauty. But I could no longer be part of that world – that beautiful world of greens and blues and reds…

Out of my control, the darkness closed in and I gave myself to the black abyss descending upon me, a deep sleep rendering me unconscious as if I had not slept for days.

oo that was good. i deffinately cringed at the cat part. i love cats. even icky ones. but still, better than a human. thats pretty good control on her part since it was the first time she fed. most probably wouldnt have been able to fight it. write more please....!

Chapter 4

As the next night brought me to life, I felt the cold stone floor beneath me, dusty and damp, the stairs rising to my left. With my mind already crystal clear and my senses sharp, I picked myself up from the floor and dusted off my clothes. I was surprised to find my broken bones healed and no pain assailed me.

My second night of being a vampire had dawned and I had no idea of what I should do. Where could I go? I still did not know what all the dangers were or how to live as a vampire. I knew I needed help but who was there that could possibly aid me?

I thought of those other vampires in that huge underground mansion. Lexan and his timeless eyes, the magnificence in his posture and voice; a glimmer of hope sparked in my mind but I extinguished it immediately. I could not go back. They were monsters. Murderers. They would not accept me back. Not after I ran away. Nonetheless, I could not stay in a crypt for the rest of my life, so I mounted the stairs to meet the rising moon.

A clear night greeted me as I emerged from the ruins, the stars winking in the sky and the full moon shining radiantly from his infinite throne. I looked down at my hands, expecting to see burned flesh and scars, but no – they were as white and flawless as ever. My body had completely healed during the day. My mind, on the other hand, felt just as broken as ever. Despair overruled all emotion. I felt purposeless…confused…

With no clear idea in my head of what I was going to do, I began to walk. My feet took me back to the heart of the city but they did not stop there. They kept going as if they had a mind of their own and, in a daze, I followed through every street they took me. Even when that dreaded hunger rose up inside me, I did not stop. I was like a mindless husk prowling the streets. Only when the hunger was too strong did I stop. I knew I had to drink. But what? Suddenly something caught my eye. I tried to dismiss the thought as soon as it came to me but once again I was driven to the very edge of insanity by my body’s need to survive. My mind was thrown into that same inescapable cage as the night before and I grabbed at the creature, my hands closing around something wet and slimy.

In all my life and all my horrors, I never experienced anything so loathsome. My fingers trembled as my body said yes but my mind was screaming helplessly, no, no, no… It was a rat, large and fat. I could not stand it. My very soul was reeling but it was inexorable. As I bit into its sewer-stinking flesh, faeces smearing my lips, the tears poured down my cheeks and my sobs went unheard in the night. This is what I have fallen to. This is how I am going to spend the rest of my miserable life…the rest of eternity. As I reached for another rat, I cried helplessly in despair; in disgust; my dignity and pride shattered.

*♥*

Dawn approached once again, and I crept back down into my little hiding place beneath the cathedral and let the darkness swallow me up. For the next few nights I just wandered in such a daze, walking aimlessly in sorrow and grief until the hunger took control of me once more and I killed. I took the life of rats, foxes, cats…anything warm blooded. But never a human.

Nevertheless one thing did pierce the steel wrapping of depression – my senses. As the nights progressed, my senses became sharper; stronger. I found that I could hear the chatter of a rat in an underground sewer thirty feet away; I could smell the warm, organic smell of coffee brewing in a café two streets parallel to mine. But my sense of sight was most astounding as I grew accustomed to the night – I found myself reading a book over someone’s shoulder fifty metres away; I stood for hours in the tower of my cathedral staring at the rain, the beauty of the falling droplets streaking down through the abyss and smashing onto the rocks below to shatter into a million shards, or to join the pool of rippling water. I watched them drip like molten glass off leaves or run in dotted patterns across the painted windows. It warmed my freezing heart and set my mind at peace, if only for a little while.

Then on one fateful night as I continued my solitary confinement in my cathedral, watching the rain and lightning tear through the skies, I heard running. It was a man, breathing hard and shielding his face from the driving storm, running right towards my ruined abode. He stepped into the shelter, drenched and dripping wet, and sat upon the floor, gasping for air and waiting for the gale to pass.

I watched him curiously from the shadows. I could hear his strong heartbeat slowing down to a regular rhythm as he caught his breath and calmed. Shaking the water out of his short hair, he looked around. Through the gloom I could see his handsome face, his strong hands mechanically sweeping the wet hair from his eyes. His sodden t-shirt stuck to his skin and I could see the hard curves of his torso, his muscles flexing as he picked up a broken piece of stained glass and examined it. I smelled his flesh, his scent rising up to me warm and earthy and I closed my eyes, taking it in. Unintentionally, a tremble ran down my spine and my lips parted in a sigh, a warm tingling feeling washing over me.

The rain outside stopped and he rose to leave. The night was still early so I followed him out, walking silently behind him. I do not know why I did but it was as if something drew me towards him. He led me back to the main streets of the city and he disappeared into a tavern, greeting his friends and apologising for the late arrival. Patiently I waited. Only two hours later he emerged again and I resumed my pursuit. Why was I following him? What was it I wanted?

Something to distract me from this living hell, I thought. Something to take my mind off the depression…this life of misery and suffering… An image of Sethis brought a flash of guilt through my conscience but I suppressed it with an effort. He was out of my league now. Out of my life. He will find other women… Before the anguish came over me again, I concentrated on my quarry.

The man guided me through many streets and winding roads, staggering and wavering a little as he walked. Soon we found ourselves alone in a quiet part of Asperia, the bustle of the crowds left behind us. In that dark side-street behind various blocks of flats, I made myself known to him. I stepped out from the shadows, blocking his path, making him stop short as he suddenly saw me.

“Where did you…?” he said, surprised, the alcohol confusing his mind and clouding his senses.

I said nothing to him. Seductively I approached him, drawing close and pushing him against the wall.

“Who are you..?” he mumbled, somewhat captivated by my pale skin and luminescent green eyes.

“A hallucination,” I whispered in his ear, feeling the smooth skin against mine, that earthy, masculine scent filling my mind.

He did not resist. Perhaps if he had not drunk so much or if he had a shred of dignity, he would of, and I would have let him go. But, alas, his body betrayed him to his fate. He wanted me. And I knew it.

He was so close, our lips barely touching, but I stopped. That feeling of guilt weighed me down again as my heart still belonged to Sethis. How could I even have thought of casual sex? No. I was too loyal to him. I was about to pull away when, suddenly, the man leaned forward and kissed me, unwittingly sealing his doom. The taste of his lips obliterated my thoughts and the vampire inside me awakened. His strong hands reached for me and pressed me closer to him, caressing me roughly. A moan escaped my lips as I ran my fingers over the curves of his muscles; his arms; his jeans…

Suddenly the hunger rose up inside me like a tidal wave. I tried to fight it but it was blocking my mind, erasing all reason. His scent was so strong, his heart beating against mine. I buried my face in his neck, his vein pulsing against my lips. Tantalisingly, I licked his flesh, the taste of his skin making me tremble. I could feel his hands beneath my shirt; tugging my trousers…

I could stand the torment no more. Pressing him harder against the cold stone of the wall, I bit deep into his neck, his cry of pain drowned out by the rush of blood. Pure ecstasy flooded my senses as the warm, sweet blood flowed over my lips, quenching my thirst and sending every nerve in my body on edge. Never had I tasted anything so blessedly sweet, so satisfying. My fingers dug into his neck as I sucked harder, his gasps and moans barely heard over mine.

At last I felt his life diminishing and the flow of blood slowed before stopping completely. My eyes flew open as I came around and I dropped the man in a surge of shock and horror. His corpse lay like a twisted, shrunken mass of skin, bones and hair; a disfigured heap of newly slaughtered flesh.

What have I done?! What have I done?! A cry built up in my chest and I let it loose, screaming in the night at the darkness; at myself; at the world.

I’d killed him! I’d killed him! Oh God…

My mind was on the edge of panic. I did not know what to do. Turning frantically, I wondered at which direction I should escape. I was about to run when I suddenly stopped dead in my tracks. I realised I was not alone. Staring at me from the shadows, as still as a painting, was a huge black wolf. Fear caught in my throat as I took in its size, its silver eyes shining sternly from its solemn face. Yet something about those eyes disturbed me…

Before I could figure it out, the great beast took a step towards me and sat down, looking me squarely in the eyes. A voice sounded in my head though my ears heard nothing, nor did the great wolf move; but I knew it was she that had spoken.

<Well met, Raven. I have been watching you. Come. We have many things to speak of.>

eeeeek write faster akroma!

im really really itching to see who this new character is. a werewolf obviously. am i right? at first i thought, hmm maybe sethis. but no, you said it was a she. is lexan going to be returning, i kinda liked him.

uh oh, bad raven. human blood. oh well, i forgive her.

hurry!

I have many little things in your chapters I'd love to fix, but I think they would be better mentioned by a professional. I admire your writing talent. I wish I could write fantasy like you. Only not so... girly. Smacks slightly of chick lit, but also of cyberpunk, so I read on. I daresay you had in the prologue an interesting hybrid of genres: neo-fantasy.

Delectable stuff.
-FS

different but good. great work

write faster, damn you

Hey everyone,

I'm really sorry I haven't been posting lately but things have been a bit "woah!". I've just moved house, started a new job and I don't have internet yet so you're just going to have to bear with me. The library only gives me a sick amount of time on the computer, and that's if you're lucky enough to GET a computer! Hope everyone's ok! Enjoy the Summer

Akroma!

meep. i miss this story. im getting a new laptop soon! yay. i hope you like where you are living now.