Akroma,
I just spent two days reading your entire story so far, and I have to say that I really enjoyed it. That's pretty good too because 1) I can't usually stick with stuff on a monitor, and 2) I don't usually like this genre. Your story grabbed me right from the start and wouldn't let me go until I had finished. (I missed a lot of homework too
)
I also read all of the posts in between the story, and it was neat to see the reactions of the little community you've built here. You've got some pretty dedicated fans, and you just got yourself a new one!
I do have a couple of suggestions for you to consider:
In chapter 9 when Galahad and Lanec are trying to escape from the maze I was bothered when they came across the zombies. I like the fact that they had to struggle through a sea of rotting zombies, but just hearing you call them "zombies" seemed out of place and it jarred me out of the flow of the story. Could you maybe give them a more creative name? Like "undead" for instance.
I like the way you work with intimate relationships in the story (you write them in a way that is very powerful and gripping). However, in some scenes I think you cross over into Romance Novel territory, which I didn't like. Somewhat in the scene where Raven is being resuscitated by Lexan, and especially in the love scene with Raven and Sethis. I don't want to sound like a prude here, because I'm totally not, but I think if you toned down the graphic nature of those scenes, and accentuated their love more subtly, like you do in earlier chapters, it will be more powerful. I think they should still make love, but I just think a more subtle and poetic description would be more powerful, because the graphicness kind of cheapened the moment for me.
Just my opinion, and others may disagree with me.
IMPORTANT!!!
I
got the feeling, reading your latest posts, that you may be getting a little discouraged with the story. Please don't be! You have a wonderful writing style and the story is really good (as you can see by the amount of devoted fans you have built up). Your even managing to pull in readers who don't even normally like this genre (me included) and that's pretty special.
All of these critiques you are getting are secondary. The ABSOLUTE most important thing is that you stick with the story, and get a first draft done. Get it to where
you are happy with it, and then you can worry about all of our suggestions. (personally I like the first person pov, but thats beside the point)
I wish you all the best of luck in school, and am looking forward to reading more!
Your Pal,
Froman
