lol sorry hun I am tryingOriginally Posted by Rynash
It's 2 weeks before the end of the spring term and I'm run off my feet with essays and projects and field trips and work...and the bit I'm trying to write at the mo is really difficult. Partly because its a bit of a boring part of the story and must be the cornyest ;-P I know...I'll dump in a bucket of cheese too xD
http://img246.echo.cx/img246/1572/ravenbanner1va.gif
A story that's having a go at being epic fantasy...but with the modern world, vampires and werewolves mixed into the cocktail as well...
Hippohead-
It is leaching and not leeching in this case... Leeches are little parasites.
Kudos and suggestions
Ah, Akroma.
Now that I can sit down and write a detailed post I wanted to commend you on your excellent story. I can't wait until the next installment but I agree with some of your other fans: don't sacrifice quality for speed. I really enjoy the idea of vampires being created and needing to survive and not being monsters like how they are portrayed in most other works.I am in no way religious but I love the descriptions of the netherworlds and their inhabitants.
I understand the dilemma about which point of view to use. I found a website that might help your decision but I'm not sure if it will let me post it (< 10 posts). rachelsimon.com/wg_pov.htm I personally would love to see this in 3rd person; I almost think you lose part of the story when transitioning between your lovely imagery and the informality of "I", "me" and "mine".
I agree with some of your other readers that the paragraph in the beginning where Sethis and Raven are declaring their love; it's a little soppy. I've read just a few romances in my day and I, too, have had almost an identical conversation with my significant otherlol but it kinda makes me go "yuk" when I read it. I know you want to let the reader know how much in love they are but think about how you can show us, not tell us
I was a little confused in Raven's decision not to seek Sethis immediately upon finding out what had happened. I know I'd want to see my love no matter what shape I was in... At first I thought maybe he could see her and reject her but as the story went on I understand why that can't happen. She makes the decision not to see him before anything has really happened to her as a vampire - maybe she has to messily and immediately attack a human or two to realize what a "monster" she is.
I didn't really like the introduction of Talon - not that he can't be in the story, just introduced differently; I know you want Raven to have her pet
The description of the mansion is neat. The interior designer (my major) in me demands that I suggest the mansion get younger as Raven goes deeper, with the oldest layers on the top? This would show a natural expansion as the vampire/werewolf community grew over time. Meh, not a big deal or a huge part of the story (I could be wrong, maybe there's some huge battle coming up inside the mansion).
Training: I'm sure that the vampires would want to start on Raven's training right away, and she probably wants to dive in and forget about the forced loss of her loved ones, but it seems odd that they would simply give her such a powerful weapon right off the bat. They live for thousands of years; a few months is nothing and they probably wouldn't think much of spending years on their technique. Humans spend that much time and we only have a mere 90-100 years at best hehe. Once Raven does get the hang of things, I'd love to see her more involved in the training and advancement of "new" vampires.
I felt like I missed something significant in the angel-in-the-graveyard sighting. Maybe I didn't read it carefully enough... I knew it was supposed to be an important event but I wasn't sure why. Your readers may also miss some significance of the danger of Sethis's transformation - it could be solved by possibly the unsuccessful transformation of someone or someones else in the story.
Sorry to go on so long; I wanted to get out all of my suggestions before I forget them! I wish you luck in your writing and your final studies and I hope I've been of some help and not just some silly rant!
-Joi
Wow, thanks Joi! Those were some really useful comments!! I will definitely be changing a lot of the story when I re-write it properly and your suggestions are perfect for pointing me in the right direction
I like your idea about why Raven decides not to look for Sethis immediately after she'd been changed...perhaps something really drastic should be in order...just looking and feeling different isn't really enough I suppose. I'm also thinking of cutting Talon out of the story completely. It seemed like a fun idea at the time but I can't think of anything significant for him to do in the future...and presently he's all but disappeared. hmm perhaps he could actually be a minion of the 'dark side' and is spying on her...because at the beginning of the story the demons heard there was a runaway from the coven and are trying to convert her to their side...which brings on the 1st battle with the hunters...could be a possibility and I was thinking of re-writing that battle anyway. Then she'd have to choose between the demons and the vampires...though thats not such a hard choice to make lol.
I also really liked your idea of the mansion. Logically they would expand downwards so the oldest bit should be at the top. Good thinking there
Giving her the sword was a way of asking her if she was going to be a part of the group, and accepting it meant accepting her new life. But it does make more sense for her to do the training first and then recieve the sword as a sign of her having completed the training and was now fit to be one of them...plus she'd then know how to use it lol.
I think the introduction of the angel in the graveyard was a bit too early...we will be seeing more of him and other angels later in the story but their parts aren't crucial at this point...perhaps if I had that scene later when the plot needs it and when the angels really start coming into the forefront of the action then the story would flow more easily. The whole entire thing really does need sorting out and it'll take a lot of time getting my head round it. I've never spent so long or written anything this big in my entire life, kinda overwhelms me sometimes lol. But hopefully when I graduate in May (2 months!! aaaahhh) then I can spend more time on it
Anyway thank you so much! And that goes for everyone else that have taken the time to write long posts about this book
http://img246.echo.cx/img246/1572/ravenbanner1va.gif
A story that's having a go at being epic fantasy...but with the modern world, vampires and werewolves mixed into the cocktail as well...
rats. i thought another chapter was up
that's right. i said 'rats'
Murder Me
Novel: 'Nocturne' (1st Draft) finished! 130,000 words! Click above to read the first chapter!
heya,
i loved the last chapter short and sweet, I love how you put across her emotions and how upset she was brilliant I like how u ended the chapter it kinda mirrored the guy swift untimely death, sorry it took me so long to reply hope ur going ok and uni work is going ok
love ya
anneka
I guess I thought that by moving into the mansion Raven accepted them and her new life...
Didja hear that everyone? We are going to have a dedication! Woohoo! Anyway, good luck with your finals. I just graduated in December and it feels soooo good too be done after 5 long years. It will be worth it!
Wow it's been ages since I've seen this around!! Good for you Akroma, for keeping this going!
I left off somewhere around chapter 12 so I've had a bit of catching up to do! I'm glad Sethis is back in the picture, although I think maybe he turned into a vamp too soon - if you're looking for rewrite tips, maybe you can play that bit out a little longer, build up the suspense!
I'm interested to see whether or not he'll actually live! If he does, I wonder how good a vamp he'll make eh? Perhaps a match even for Raven? hehe.
On a side note, it's been a while since I've read this and I can't remember whether it's meant to be set in the present or in some kinda of future/past.
Perhaps you should do a "Synopsis so far" post for people who are new!! ;P
Keep on writing!
masho
I bump this thread because this prose is excellent and should be read by more people.
Hi Akroma! I found your story a few days ago and it's wonderful! I really like your style and ideas, they're awesome! You shouldn't worry so much about whether or not you're going to get published, if you finish it, you will. Look at all of the comments by people who say they don't particularly like this genre, that says a lot. We are always our toughest critics, just relax and keep doing what you love.
There are a couple of things that have been bothering me throughout the story though. The first being the "pinprick" of Raven's experience while being bitten. I've never personally been in this situation, obviously, but it seems like it'd be a wee more painful than a pinprick... Especially since during Sethis' transformation you used the same word when he was being injected with the needle. BIG difference I would say between the two sensations.
Another thing was the fact that Raven was able to live so long after being bitten. The place that makes the most sense for a vampire to attack would be the jugular vein, and if this is punctured the person will die very quickly. She just wouldn't live that long realistically. Yes, they do in movies but well, they're movies...
That's all for now, I hope these suggestions made sense and help. Keep up the amazing work and don't rush too much! Better to wait a little longer than to have something you're completely unsatisfied with, eh?
P.S. I play WoW too! Not that it has anything to do with the story, just thought I'd mention it for some reason.
SilverWillow
Careful that you don't over load everyone with this story.
Ie. "I'm a Vampire so I can only die by being stabbed with a stake and then you have to chop my head off and bury it a cross a river."
"I'm a werewolf and I only can die by a blow to the head with a silver pistol. It has to go through one way and out the other."
"I'm an angel so I can't die because I'm already dead! Oh well actually a demon can kill me by doing this and this..."
"I'm a scary demon and angels can kill me if they try this."
Then everyone stared at each other, to afraid to do anything because the others all had keys to their weaknesses.
You see what I mean?
Typos are very important to all written form. It gives the reader something to look for so they aren't distracted by the total lack of content in your writing.
-Randy K. Milholland
http://i251.photobucket.com/albums/g...ss/Rogue-1.gif
WOW:O i loved it the story is brilliant more people should read this
Just a quick tip. I was put off before I even started reading as the name Raven is about the worst goth/vampire cliché name I can think of. If you put twenty random goth-chicks in a room, at least half of them will be called Raven.
And no, I didn't read every single page, so sorry if someone have mentioned this already.
haha you wipe Stefanie Meyer clean off the bookshelf!! lol good job, I didn't read all of it because I've gotten slower at reading ever since I read The Vampire Diaries and wanted the series to last longer, hence read it slower, and now I'm a slow reader all over again. So I only read some parts, and from what I read, I really liked it. There's no way this won't be published, this is like better than professional.good job
How about Morgan?Just a quick tip. I was put off before I even started reading as the name Raven is about the worst goth/vampire cliché name I can think of. If you put twenty random goth-chicks in a room, at least half of them will be called Raven.
And no, I didn't read every single page, so sorry if someone have mentioned this already.
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