Thread: Raven (Vampires, Werewolves, Demons, Angels!)

By the way, I've just re-read some of the story and I just want to cringe lol. How can you guys like this?? It's a walking cliche and so obviously written by a girl that I can't understand what the boys see in it ;-P Yeah it needs work. Lots of work but I wont re-write now, I'll just plough on with the story I guess... *looks back to the passage she was reading and shudders*

Right more now!>.<

yup! i wanna know what happens! keep it up!

YEAH!!!!!!!

Honestly, vampires are not my usual 'thing' as i find them more interesting in movies than in books, but this one, this one is beautiful, it has a nice flow, poetic almost, i really like how you described the snow, i give this piece the serious high five!

At last!! The next bit of the story!!

Droplets of water stung my face as the rain washed away the last remnants of snow. The narrow street was dark and deserted, the gathering shadows mocking my lonely passage. Any other night and I would be staring at the rain like so many diamonds plummeting from the heavens to shatter into a million fragments on impact; but not this night. This night the rain felt like a million shards of glass slicing into my face, the wind blowing icy and brittle through my bones while my eyes stared at nothing.

An image of Sethis’ pale lifeless face was branded into my mind and nothing I did could banish it. My clothes hung sodden and heavy upon me, slowly leaching the warmth from my body as my stomach wrenched, the hunger inside pushing me upon the brink of madness. I did not care. I could feel the energy leaving me as I stumbled drunkenly against a wall, sliding down it until I sat with my head in my hands. The world was spinning and breaking apart around me, the need for blood overpowering. I squeezed my eyes shut and hugged my knees to my chest in an attempt to quell the madness around me and still the shaking of my limbs.

Through my clouded senses I heard footsteps approaching and the rustle of clothing as a figure knelt beside me. Warm soft hands enclosed my icy fingers.

“Can you hear me, lass? What are you doing out here in the rain?” The kindness in his voice made me raise my head to look into a pair of faded grey eyes set in a wrinkled visage, the lines of his face portraying the story of a man that laughed much in life. The garments her wore were finely tailored, a black hat upon his well-groomed hair and an umbrella in his hand sheltering us from the driving droplets.

“Can you hear me?” he asked again. His fingers smoothed a wet strand of hair from my face, brushed my cheek for a sign of warmth. As if in the far distance I heard my own voice pass my lips.

“He’s dying.”

The old man frowned.

“Is someone injured?”

When I did not answer he stared at me for a moment, concern filling his gaze. Then he glanced down both sides of the street, back to me and seemed to come to a decision.

“Come on, let’s get you somewhere warm.”

He straightened and removed his jacket, draping the warm clothing around my shoulders then kneeled once more to help me to my feet. He stopped in surprise as I grasped his shoulder.

“He’s not going to make it,” I said, my voice sounding shrill in my own ears. “Hardly anyone gets through alive! I was the last…but…he looked so weak…so close to passing…” I faltered.

The man looked confused but pity shone in his kindly eyes as he searched my face.

“Are you saying that…this man of yours…has a chance to live? Is he in hospital now?”

I hesitated then gave a small nod. The old man visibly relaxed.

“Then do not give up hope. There is still a chance.” He gave an encouraging smile. “And I believe he could use you right now rather than have you out here catching your death.” He gently took my arms and slowly raised me to my feet. Old as he was he was still able to support most of my weight as my legs shook beneath me, my hands grasping tight his lapels. I stared into his eyes. Such kind eyes.

“Still a chance,” I whispered. The hunger gave another painful wrench at my stomach and a wave of dizziness washed over me. The grip on my arms tightened. “Can’t give up hope…”

“That’s right, lass.” His voice was so distant. “I’m here to help you.”

I closed my eyes, tears spilling from my cheeks to land on his pristine white collar.

“Thank you,” I whispered in his ear.

My tears continued to flow even after I had killed him, swiftly drinking his blood and regaining my strength, abandoning his body in that lonely street with only shadows to keep him company.

that was very good lol sad how she kills him tho

i saw spelling mistakes! *shock, horror*

and she didnt kill him. he wanted to become vampire didnt he? or is that wot u meant? died as a result of her or whatever
*blinks*

... now to wait 4 more months for the next shred <.<

just be our slave, eh akroma? slave away at ur writing and dont stop til its done. tis only fair :}

Originally Posted by HippoHead

i saw spelling mistakes! *shock, horror*

and she didnt kill him. he wanted to become vampire didnt he? or is that wot u meant? died as a result of her or whatever
*blinks*

... now to wait 4 more months for the next shred <.<

just be our slave, eh akroma? slave away at ur writing and dont stop til its done. tis only fair :}

ROFLMAO!!!! Ah thats great well come on, no use telling me there are spelling mistakes if you don't say what they are ;-P I'll have another read.

And I think Rynash meant she killed the old man. Not Sethis. Or were you talking bout the old man lol. Now I'm confused!

Lol and hopefully it wont be so long til the next part. Yes I'm having problems writing this next bit and still haven't entirely got my head round 1 aspect of the plot but it's getting there And HippoHead? I'll be your slave any day ;-P only cos that comment made me laugh so hard I may have ruptured something.

a spelling mistake i remember was the 'leaching'
LEECHING! (i think... i'll look such a nob if i'm wrong)

and yea i've been there with the self-confusion. especally when i'm talking. stuff comes out and i, myself dont understand what im saying. so yknow... i'm empathic.

AND THE TRUE REASON FOR UR NEGLIGENCE TOWARDS WRITING THE STUFF COMES OUT! u dunno where ur going with it! much like the writers of 'lost'

oo err u'll be my slave eh

then u can get used to offiially being titled as 'footstool', won't you?... footstool.

i enjoyed this one, kinda felt for the old man, but enjoyed it greatly.
Please read and comment http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...n-fantasy.html i would greatly appreciate any more advice.

Akroma,

It has taken me 3 days to read through all 25 pages of your thread, slowly & poetically watching an emotional rollercoaster unfold before my eyes. Seething love wounds, damnable realization, a tenuous ascension to new existence. Your prologue hooked me, if simply through the similarities in which we write .. visually, with a lyrical flow.

You’ve received a lot of very good constructive criticism in regard to the initial stages of your “book.” Once time permits, and you have an opportunity to finish & rework this endeavor, I’m positive those contributions will aid you.

Yes, it is slightly clichéd, but you balance it with a unique and innovative take on the drab “worlds within worlds.” Don’t allow your personal notions to dissuade you from completing it. I am very much interested in how it will conclude.

- - -

A lukewarm wave of addiction touches my lips, the subtle skin of churned crème clotting my throat, assuring me that yes, once again .. I’ve forgotten about my coffee. Congratulations are in order, Ms. Akroma, it is not often I concentrate so wholly on my praise.

Finally, I’ll confess that I’ve been slightly emasculated by your story. When Raven returned to her ‘humble hovel’ to revisit a stolen life .. it was fantastically written, and I got a little teary eyed.



I’ll be checking back regularly in hopes you’ll continue.

Fan base + 1.

Sincerely,
Harshmellow

Wow! Harshmellow I....I'm touched! And if you write like that in your comments I can only imagine how amazing your stories are. To be honest you've rendered me completely speechless and I am absolutely wowed-off-my chair hearing you say our writing is similar it's like Steven Erikson or something coming up to me and telling me my writing's good lol. Thank you I'm really glad you enjoyed it and I just hope the rest of the story wont be a disappointment, not to mention take so darn long in writing it

Originally Posted by Akroma

Wow! Harshmellow I....I'm touched! And if you write like that in your comments I can only imagine how amazing your stories are. To be honest you've rendered me completely speechless and I am absolutely wowed-off-my chair hearing you say our writing is similar it's like Steven Erikson or something coming up to me and telling me my writing's good lol. Thank you I'm really glad you enjoyed it and I just hope the rest of the story wont be a disappointment, not to mention take so darn long in writing it

Akroma,

I believe I'm the first in saying "don't rush it." I am certainily no stranger to a fleeting muse, (mine has been evading me for quite some time,) or that most days never contain enough hours to get everything finished. I will wait patiently for the next installment, and ultimately, the completed/polished piece.

I hope all your studies are going well, you've chosen to pursue a very selfless field of work, I commend you for that as well.

Sincerely,
Harshmellow

Right more...................... like now!!!!!!!!><