Thread: Raven (Vampires, Werewolves, Demons, Angels!)

Another amazing piece there Akroma! I'm beginning to get jealous of the way you make every scene a good one

“I cannot…not after…I could not bear to live it again if…”

I wonder what Lexan is talking about here...Maybe he has lost an old love too? Just a stab in the dark, whatever it is it'll be impressive...

Originally Posted by Celtic Flame

I wonder what Lexan is talking about here...Maybe he has lost an old love too? Just a stab in the dark, whatever it is it'll be impressive...

Maybe he caused her death or something, or she betrayed him.

Originally Posted by Celtic Flame

I wonder what Lexan is talking about here...Maybe he has lost an old love too? Just a stab in the dark, whatever it is it'll be impressive...

Yeah I hinted at it when Lexan was teaching Raven how to mind link and makes her hand press her sword against her own throat - <When a Demon gains control of you it is hard to do much else…whether it’s killing the one you love or assassinating your own brother.> I've touched on a subject here that I'll elaborate in my second book where a demon manages to break Lexan's mind and makes him kill his lover. The demon then tries to get Lexan to assassinate Lorcan but does not succeed because Lorcan is better at defending himself seeing as he's an all powerful werewolf mage and manages to...what's the word...exorcise the demon from his brother's mind.

So yeah Lexan can't love another after going through that and if he did permit himself to love Raven and she somehow died, then he would not be able to take it again. He's already on the brink of giving up hope.

Originally Posted by pagemaster

You lil romantic you

*Grin*

Originally Posted by Akroma

I've touched on a subject here that I'll elaborate in my second book where a demon manages to break Lexan's mind and makes him kill his lover.

Second book quick, write quicker

Originally Posted by Akroma

- <When a Demon gains control of you it is hard to do much else…whether it’s killing the one you love or assassinating your own brother.> I've touched on a subject here that I'll elaborate in my second book where a demon manages to break Lexan's mind and makes him kill his lover.

Ahhh, It all makes sense now...I didn't make the connection between those two conversations hehe. Looks like you've planned this all carefully

Also, second book?!?! HURRRRRRRY!!

Chapter 12 continued...

What Lexan had said, his words, they haunted me. The nights slipped past and I could not get them out of my head, could not quench the emotions that I had thought long dead and gone. Adding to the problem was my species’ capacity to feel – the way emotions were so much more potent than when I was human - the hunger and ecstasy of the kill wiping out all else, even to the point of making one oblivious to danger; the adrenaline of battle often flooding our senses until we became charged with it, finely tuning our reflexes. Even the joy of companionship with our fellow Wolves and Vampires formed such a shield of fierce loyalty as not to be believed. And love…love was like a raging fire that burned within you and fuelled your every move.


But I was being consumed; consumed by the deepest darkest pain. A sorrow so severe it made my heart bleed, a longing so strong as my soul reached out, only to grasp emptiness. And each day it got worse, the loneliness torturing me, slowly killing me inside. The truth of Lexan’s words had cut me deep and unleashed something long suppressed that was now feeding off the very blood that pumped through my heart.


Dead leaves and thin branches snapped beneath my boots as I walked aimlessly through the forest. Tired of the city’s hard stone facades and artificial light, I had travelled to the very edge of Asperia and lost myself amidst the creak of ancient trees, the murmur of bubbling streams and the scuffle of nightly creatures. Out in the wilderness I felt release – a calm tranquillity settling my soul and the chaos within my head.


I breathed deep the untainted air sweet with the scent of moist earth, rich green leaves and a hint of cleansing rain, my breath clouding in the chill night. An early frost was beginning to form and the glistening dew adorning the many spider webs was slowly turning to ice.


Stepping out of the forest I found myself looking at a rolling landscape of grassy plains and fallow fields, a cold wind tugging at my cloak. A warm light from a small cottage glowed amidst the scenery and I was drawn to it, my body moving me unerringly in the direction of its tree-lined driveway. I reached up and raised the cowl of my cloak, the sole of my boots hardly pressing the frosted grass.


As I walked across the field in a dream-like daze, movement caught the corner of my vision and I turned to see a ghostly white horse galloping towards me out of the darkness. I smiled as it approached and it stopped before me, its soft nose nuzzling my face. I reached up and ran my hand upon its smooth pearly flanks, my fingers slipping through its snowy mane of hair.


“Astaroth,” I whispered. “Imissed you.” The horse whinnied and stamped her feet, her large brown eyes regarding me almost sorrowfully. “And where is your mate, Valen?”


At the question a second set of hooves stamped the grass and a large black horse detached itself from the shadows and stood beside Astaroth, his head held high and his muscles rippling beneath his glossy pelt.


“Ah there you are, my handsome Valen,” I said. He bowed his head for me to scratch it and I complied. Fond memories flooded my mind – memories of the wind whipping my hair back as I sped through forest and field upon my faithful Astaroth, Sethis beside me looking like a king upon the black stallion as they leapt over bushes and galloped through streams. The proud horse softly snorted.


“I’m not here to stay,” I whispered to them. “I just…I just need to see him…”


The two magnificent beasts shook their heads, their manes of long hair waving in the dark. With an effortless surge of power Valen galloped off into the night, Astaroth following close behind. I watched them melt back into the shadows for a moment then continued towards the cottage.


The trees lining the gravel driveway swayed in the wind, their few remaining leaves of autumn shivering and threatening to fall in the icy breeze. A stable door creaked on its hinges. The frosted grass rustled, waves rippling across the fields.


The windows and doors were closed to the bitter cold, curtains drawn. A sliver of orange light illuminated the ground before me and I quietly stepped up to the window pane, the cold glass against my hands as I peered into the room. The scene before me made my eyes sting. I blinked to clear my vision, my heart aching like a stone in my breast.


Everything was just as I had left it. Sethis had changed nothing – the brick and wood fireplace that he had carved himself, the mantelpiece ever so slightly crooked; the chairs and sofa adorned with blankets and cushions that clashed with the brown leather; the paintings and photographs still in their frames upon the cream walls. A crackling fire flooded the room with warm flickering light and some candles had been lit upon the low coffee table.


He was sitting upon the sofa reading a book. His hair was longer than I remembered and his eyes looked different, as if a light that once shone within them had gone out. I wanted to touch his face again, have those eyes look into mine. He reached out a hand and laid it upon the grey fur of a large Husky that lay beside him. The big dog raised its head and grunted before settling it down again on his paws. Sethis gave him a scratch around the ears, earning him another appreciative grunt. A smoky grey cat was curled up in front of the fire.


It was as if I had never left, like I was arriving home from a long day at work. The feeling was so overwhelming that I almost reached to open the door, hang my coat up and be welcomed by Sethis’ smiling face and open arms. A tear traced its way down my cheek.


“I want to tell you,” I whispered. “I want to show you everything. I’m not dead.” My breath clouded the class pane. “I’m not dead.”


I do not know how long I stood at that window. I watched as Sethis’ eyes began to close, his head dropping to his chest. The fire burned down to a mound of glowing embers and the candle drowned itself in its own melted wax. Even after all light had been extinguished and the house stood dark and silent I did not leave. As frost and ice dusted my eyelashes and brows I gazed at the sleeping outline of my lover, the large dog keeping guard beside him until a brush of warm fur between my fingers startled me out of my thoughts.


<Tell him, Raven,>a quiet voice sounded in my head.


I looked down at the black wolf beside me, her silver eyes boring into mine.


“I can’t,” I whispered. “I can’t bear to see the fear in his eyes; the expression of horror as he realises what I have become; what I must do to carry on living. And if by some miracle he does not think me a monster what then? Are we doomed to love each other, ever divided by race and species? Cursed to watch one grow old and die while the other stays incessantly young? Or, if he so chooses, should I deliver the bite that would irreversibly change him, body and mind, so that we can spend eternity together?” I shook my head.


“I would be condemning him to death. If he does not die during the transition from human to Vampire then he will die in this forsaken war against Vorrac and the multitude of horrors he can unleash against us. I cannot bring him into this.”


Keenar said nothing. I carried on to fill the silence.


I don’t know what I would do should I lose him again. I am not like Lexan – holding everything inside; eternally living with the pain of finding the missing piece of his soul only to have it torn from him. For me, living would not be an option.”


I looked again at the sleeping form of Sethis and sighed. Better he move on and live his life to the end than join our world, a world where death and horror reigned and living with those memories for eternity was a burden no man should have to bear. Keenar shifted beside me.


<An angel once said that love is the most important thing in the world. With it, anything is possible. Is it not better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all? If there is really such a force between you, you should strive to be together no matter what. And in the end the choice is his to decide – to be with you and thus strengthen each other in the times to come, or to simply walk away. Should the latter be true, he is not the one, but something tells me that this will not come to pass.> She nuzzled my hand. <There are risks but shouldn’t the possibility of being immortally together overcome those fears?>


I did not know what to say. My mind was in turmoil. I reached for the comfort of Keenar’s soft fur but my fingers were numb.


<Come> she said quietly. She took my hand gently in her jaws. <Daylight is approaching.>


I gazed one last time upon the man I loved for over six years, then allowed Keenar to lead me away.

Come on Raven, Tell him!

Beautiful scene, I'm not sure which ones I like more...The action seems just as good as the dialogue and thinking ones.

Theres only one problem I found with this:

“Astaroth,” I whispered. “Imissed you.”

There should be a space betwixt I and missed Lol thats all I can think of...

More! I want to find out what happens! Be quick but take your time..if that makes sense.

So touching and heart warming. Emotional gripping stuff. I cant wait to see what becomes of Sethis.

Chapter 12 continued...

I thought about what Keenar had said and her words laid heavily on my mind. My heart was telling me to go to Sethis but my mind was telling me to forget him and move on; his ignorance was a mercy. But the more my mind tried to persuade my heart that it was the right thing to do, the more my heart retaliated, crying out to be heard.


My decision came to me as I was riding the wind upon my summoned wings. The air was bitter cold but I felt as if I had broken loose of the world below me; unconfined and free of the sorrow that plagued the earth. I was utterly weightless, the land moving under me as the wind whipped my hair. It was times like these when I found it hard not to smile, the elation filling me up and making me laugh with all the joy in the world.


Breaking the clouds, my eyes were filled with a multitude of stars and the moon shone full and bright. The clouds below me formed a bizarre landscape of fluffy islands and continents and huge grey columns rising like great mountain ranges. Folding my wings I plunged back down to earth, crying out in delight as flakes of snow brushed my face. Angling my wings ever so slightly, I dropped to earth, a familiar country cottage rushing up to meet me in the dark.


As silent as an owl I alighted upon a branch of a tree, the fine dusting of snow falling off the leaves as the branch shook slightly. I closed my wings around me, reluctant to relinquish the enchantment.


It was getting late but there were still lights on within the house. Sitting motionless upon the branch I thought of what I would say; how I would approach him. Already my hands were shaking and my heart was pounding in my chest. I tried to pull myself together but my body would not move and all I could do was watch the snow fall as it settled thicker and thicker upon the ground. Still the night grew older and I had not moved, my self-confidence draining out of me. I could not bring myself to do it and tears of frustration and self-anger filled my eyes.


My attention was brought back to the house as the front door swung open and a figure stumbled out into the night. I knew immediately that something was wrong as Sethis sank to his knees and gasped deep lungfuls of cool air as if he had been suffocating. His face was pointed to the heavens, eyes closed as flakes of snow caught in his long dark hair. His fingers gouged at the snow as he grasped handfuls of it and squeezed the icy granules hard, turning it to water that escaped him in rivulets and droplets.


Pain twisted inside me as I watched Sethis open his eyes – eyes that, in my memory, smiled and laughed, but were now filled with grief and sorrow; glazed as if not all of him were there. Wearing nought but a thin shirt and trousers, he slowly stood, his bear feet deep in snow. Staggering a little, he made his way to the stable and disappeared inside. It was not long before he emerged again and following close at his heel, without bridle or saddle, strode Valen. Sethis stroked the velvety flanks of the huge horse then climbed onto its back, gently grasping a clump of hair from Valen’s mane. With the slightest touch of a heel, horse and man surged across the snow and into darkness, jumping the field boundary with ease.


Silently I spread my wings and dropped from the tree branch. Soaring across the garden I beat my wings once, twice, and caught an updraft of air that sent me high into the sky, pushing me upwards and upwards. Far below me I saw Sethis and Valen, the slightest pressure in Sethis’ knees guiding the horse left or right.


As I had expected, the city graveyard came into view. As Sethis drew near, he dismounted and continued on foot, Valen stepping close behind his master. I wanted to cry. I wanted to take him in my arms and tell him the truth, tell him that everything was alright; to rekindle the light in his eyes and the smile on his lips.


The white angel weeping upon the tombstone loomed out of the darkness and Sethis fell to his knees before it. I shed the enchantment, my wings dissolving in a wave of white lights, and landed far from the grave. Though there was a desert of stones between us not one detail was lost to me. I saw as his face twisted in torment; as his numb fingers brushed the name on the tombstone; as tears of despair traced his cheeks. Watching him was to have a knife in my heart that was slowly twisting until I could bear it no longer. His grief was a thousand lacerations to my soul as he lay beneath the marble angel, her tears falling with his yet her cold arms and hard wings offering no comfort.


Time passed and his body, shivering with cold and sorrow, now lay still as the stones around him, unconscious either from sleep or the fall of his core temperature. Valen stood silently beside him, a sentinel in the dark. The horse’s head swung to regard me as I approached and grunted in recognition. Kneeling beside Sethis’ motionless form, I laid a hand upon his shoulder. His skin was cold to the touch and, as I lifted him from the snow and gathered him into my arms, he did not wake.


“My love,” I whispered. My hot tears fell upon him and I stroked his pale face; such a beautiful face framed in lustrous snow-dusted hair. I ran my fingers over his brow, his cheeks, his cold blue lips which I leaned in to gently kiss.


“I have wanted to tell you for a long time,” I said as I wrapped him inside my cloak. “But I cannot bear to see you hate me if you despise what I have become.” I looked to Valen who trotted closer and bent his knees to lower himself to the ground so that his belly was in the snow. I stood with Sethis in my arms, his face buried in the warmth of my neck.


“But I can bear to see your suffering even less.” I sat astride the horse, holding my lover tight in my arms and, with a command, Valen rose smoothly to his feet. The journey back to the cottage was slow but every minute of it was a gift - his breathing soft and regular in my ear; the contours of his body familiar against mine; his skin smooth to my touch as I gently stroked his cheek.


At last we reached the house and I dismounted, carrying Sethis into the front room. The old Husky rose to his feet at the sign of intruders but, recognising my scent, he padded over in excitement, jumping up to lick at me and nuzzling my arms.


“Not now, Danusk!”


The dog ceased its greetings but continued to follow me around the room as I laid Sethis down upon the sofa and gently stripped him of his wet clothes. His naked body rekindled fiery memories and I trembled as familiar feelings swept through me. Ignoring the sensations rising within and warming my cheeks, I found several warm blankets and wrapped him up in them. I began to feel anxious as I felt his temperature which was no warmer than when I had first found him in the snow. I left his side to throw some logs onto the hearth and, with a gesture from my fingers, a blazing fire roared into life. Going back to the sofa, I gathered him in my arms again and held him close as his body slowly grew warmer. The ice upon his brows and hair melted away and his body started shivering as feeling came back to his muscles. I held him tight until the convulsions passed and colour had come back into his lips and cheeks.


I ran my fingers lightly through his hair, across a shoulder and over his chest. He stirred at my touch, a low sigh escaping his lips, and his eyelids flickered before slowly opening. He gazed at me with weary eyes and all my feelings of joy and sadness, of longing and desire, of love and loneliness blossomed inside me, bringing both tears to my eyes and a smile to my lips.


His expression was unreadable as he slowly reached out a hand and touched my cheek, the brush of his fingers sending my heart pounding.


“I must be dreaming…” he whispered, and then his eyelids fluttered and closed; his hand falling back to the sheets, unconscious once more.


I sat with him, cradling him, until the hour before dawn. He did not wake again. Making sure he was warm and comfortable, I got up to leave, but stopped as I reached the door. An idea came to mind and I went back to where Sethis lay. Taking a deep breath, I put a shaking hand upon his brow and closed my eyes. Trying to remember how Galahad had shown me his past, I strove to establish a link with Sethis, to tell him everything; my thoughts; my feelings so that he could understand. Miraculously, like playing back a film, my life started again and I was once more walking home from work, a human woman oblivious to the path that lay before me and the events that would take place that very night that would change my world.

It happened so fast that I didn’t even have time to scream. All I remember was a shadow dropping out of the sky, black cloaks curling around me in the darkness. The white face of a woman filled my vision, her luminescent violet eyes burning into mine; such beautiful yet haunting eyes. Her hair fell like a shower of pure gold around me and fingernails dug into my back as I was held in a grip of steel. I felt her chest rise as she inhaled deeply as if taking in my scent, her lips brushing my skin. Then I felt it. The pinprick of pain in my neck as she bit…

Hey, I am new to the site and I realise that this is not the place for an introduction. So I'll just offer my opinions.

First off, let me just say I liked the prologue; it was different and therefore enjoyable. Your imagery is good, even if it does need a lot of editing, but you have two stumbling blocks.

Your dialogue is too unnatural and cheesy this is because of two things. Firstly, you're including too many every day irrelevencies which you shouldn't include in literature. Sure, in real life people talk in round about ways and they're full inconsitencies and full of superflous detail. But in literature, characters don't do that, not even when they are pompous and completely superflous in character. Every piece of dialogue must move the story forwards in some way.

The second thing is this, you're not getting into your characters enough. Don't describe their facial attributes all the time, just describe their posture and their personality. The reader will make up their own mind from that just how beautiful they are and it will be more vivd in a reader's mind than a physical description on cheekbones, eyes, ears, nose and hair... Ya get me?

Originally Posted by Akroma

I thought about what Keenar had said and her words laid heavily on my mind. My heart was telling me to go to Sethis but my mind was telling me to forget him and move on; his ignorance was a mercy. But the more my mind tried to persuade my heart that it was the right thing to do, the more my heart retaliated, crying out to be heard.

Could this paragraph be anymore perfect. You have such a way with words, as well as describing things.

Your writing actually makes me feel like I've known the characters for a lifetime, and that I'm there living Ravens life with her.

Magical stuff

sorry for the poor spelling.


I also picked up on some simple things like the bit where you describe the streets winding in sharp angles. That's a contradictory image because winding suggests a gradual bend and an angle is something sharp and the two can't exist in the same sentence. It's a bit clumsy.

The snow is a nice image but there's too much imagery in those first couple of paragraphs. Pick out any passages you think particularly fine and edit them.

Thanks for those points, Mermaid. I see what you mean. I never was completely satisfied with the beginning chapters and many people have helped me put my finger on some of the problems. If I ever get this published I'm going to have to do some hard editing. Cheers! And nice to meet you lol. Hope you have fun on the forums!

Your writing actually makes me feel like I've known the characters for a lifetime, and that I'm there living Ravens life with her.

That's the plan, my dear. That's the plan I'm glad you feel that way. Raven's getting a bit soppy though. She needs to get HARDCORE! She's a vamp with awesome powers! Can't wait til I get to some battle scenes!

Originally Posted by Akroma

Thanks for those points, Mermaid. I see what you mean. I never was completely satisfied with the beginning chapters and many people have helped me put my finger on some of the problems. If I ever get this published I'm going to have to do some hard editing. Cheers! And nice to meet you lol. Hope you have fun on the forums!

Hey, you're doing a great job so far. Just keep working at it and it'll be a great story. You've got loads of good ideas.