Thread: Raven (Vampires, Werewolves, Demons, Angels!)

Thank you, Subtlesoda! And thanks for taking the effort to read the entire thing. I know It's pretty long now and reading off a screen is tiresome for the eyes. The "Pages 1 2 3....2056" by the title puts people off I guess. Thanks for the support.

Well this is definitely my Genre, so I will have to print it off and read it here soon. I hear good things

Oh, and heck yes Akroma went red...made me soooo happy!!! lol

Yay Fury!

I'm not very good at this whole 'posting regularly' thing am I...

First of all, it's probably not a good idea to start off assuming that someone might want to steal your work. That's insulting, particularly since it's pretty difficult to come up with a new idea these days. The neat thing is that each person's take on the same story will be unique. Some will do the job better, some not so much so. In your case, no one will ever be able to do a better job of writing your story. And, from the looks of it, it is pretty special.

Your style is almost literary with an slightly poetic undertone. Your character development is beautifully done and the story flows seamlessly. I cannot say that I am a particular fan of any one genre, but I am a great fan of anything that is well done - be it music or art or literature. In this instance, I believe I could be a big fan of "Raven" and I think the story has got some real meat to it as well as great style.

Good luck and keep up the good work!

Thank you, wrdsmth! Any more and I'll have to give my ego a good squashing but I'm so happy that my writing is finally getting better. I've just always loved writing and to publish something is my dream so when people say things as you have just done, its like a candle lighting up inside me and I just get overjoyed...plus a little cheesy if you hadn't noticed lol.

You're right about me worrying about my work being stolen. It is silly I guess isn't it. If I did insult anyone it was not my intent and I apologize. Just the possibility got me scared and if someone stole my thunder I'd probably cry lol. I've worked too long and too hard on this. But you're right - every idea comes from something else and we get inspiration from the books we read and the films we see and if no one took ideas from anything then where would we be now?

Chapter 12

“A mind link can be a dangerous thing, Raven.”


Lexan and I stood before the fireplace, watching its flames flicker and listening to the crackle of wood. The heat on my face felt calming and the smell of wood smoke brought distant memories of campfires and long forgotten friends to mind.


“Mind links are very powerful in that they let us read someone’s thoughts and feel their emotions. And everyone has something that they would prefer to keep to themselves.”


Lexan’s voice was quiet and low as he opened a box upon the mantelpiece. He took some of the finely ground minerals inside, pinched between his long fingers. “Therefore there is one rule that every self respecting Vampire or Werewolf adheres to, and that is not to perform a mind link without prior permission with the other member. Otherwise a mind link should only be used in the case of an emergency.” He threw the powder into the fire which crackled and turned a brilliant shade of violet.


I nodded in understanding, still feeling ashamed of my actions the past night.


“You may also see things that you do not wish to see in a person’s mind.” His voice grew even quieter. “For example, last night, you were lucky that none of my memories of the past were in the fore. I have seen things that would have any mortal screaming for the rest of their lives and give you nightmares for the rest of eternity. Luckily I have become very efficient at not thinking of such things.”


I pulled my gaze away from the fire and looked at him. He was leaning against the mantelpiece, his intense blue eyes staring into the flames as they cast a purple glow upon his pale face. I had a sudden urge to hold him right then, to put my hand upon that handsome visage and smooth away the frown that had formed there.


I looked away, my heart pounding and my brain in turmoil. Lexan turned to me.


“A mind link is easily performed if you have some sort of physical contact with that person. You did very well last night to achieve one where you sat. However, we were in the same room and not far away. It is a whole different matter achieving a mind link with someone you cannot see and who is further away. If you have not met the person you seek, and they are outside your line of sight, then it is near impossible.”


I nodded, trying to concentrate upon his words and not how close he was standing.


“Now,” he said, “close your eyes and cast your mind abroad as you did last night, and try to establish a mental link with me.”


I did as he said, and was shocked to see how easy it was.


“Can you feel my consciousness against yours?” he asked. I nodded. I blushed slightly as I became aware of his thoughts and emotions, at the admiration he felt towards me – towards my abilities and my eagerness to learn. But there was also something else in his mind; a dark and forbidding void that hid a large proportion of his thoughts from me. Before I could stop myself I was probing it with my own mind.

<Do not go there, Raven> he said softly and he mentally pushed me away from it. <Remember what I told you about the dangers. It is a shield for my thoughts that I do not want others to see. I will teach you how to construct one in time. Mental shields are important if a foe manages to gain access to your brain, either to glean confidential information from you or to try to control you.>


Without warning, and with no will of my own, my sword hand clasped the handle of my katana, drew the great blade from its sheath and pressed the cold metal to my throat. Crying out, I tried to lower my hand but it was as if something was blocking the transmission from my brain to my arm.


Sensing my distress, Lexan relinquished his control over me. Shaking, I slid my weapon back into its sheath.

<Now do you see?> he whispered in my mind. I nodded, swallowing hard. His voice turned bitter and his eyes grew hard and distant.

<When a Demon gains control of you it is hard to do much else…whether it’s killing the one you love or assassinating your own brother.>


I said nothing, too shocked at his words. After a moment he shook his head and smiled at me as if nothing was wrong.


“Now let’s see how far you can stretch your limits,” he said verbally. “Galahad, Keenar and Lorcan are all positioned around the area. I want you to open your mind and establish a link with each of them in turn. I will maintain our link and watch your progress.”


Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and cast my mind abroad once more. An image of Galahad appeared behind my eyes and I sought him out, feeling the minds of a hundred different people around me. However I had linked with him before when he told me of his past and the feel of his mind was familiar to me. Before long I found him and completed the link, his consciousness melding with mine.

<You found me,> he chuckled and the image I received from his eyes was that of the mansion library. <Excellent. Now see if you can find Keenar.>


Already feeling tired from the exertion I sent him my warmth and gratitude then severed our link, casting further away for my Werewolf companion. I knew that Keenar would be somewhat harder as I had never linked with her before and, by the time I found her, a headache had started to pound in my skull; but I completed the connection with triumph and felt her warm smile from where she strolled along the river.


I felt Lexan brush my consciousness once more. <Lorcan will be a hard one to find.If you like we can stop to rest?>

<It’s alright,> I replied, already searching for him. <I can do this.> I could not give up now, not with Lexan watching. But he was right; Lorcan was a hard one to track down. He was moving at great speed in his wolf shape and I poured all my strength and will into linking my mind with his. My head felt like it would explode but I was so close…so close to completing the connection. Suddenly the link clicked into place.


“There!”


A blinding pain flashed through my head and all links were immediately severed, a dizziness washing over me as I fell. The last thing I saw was Lexan reaching out to me then my eyes went blind and I was once more sinking beneath murky depths.

Finally, hehe. Exciting, I was expecting Lexan to have read Raven's mind when she had thoughts of wanting to touch his face and be close to him. As always I cant wait for the next part.

I was not happy with your first two paragraphs. In paragraph three and beyond, you write clear, crisp text. The beginning is full of slight imprecisions. You're going to lose some the readers who can enjoy your style when they look at the beginning of the book. Here are some specifics:

Where is the narrator? “Rooftop” suggests, to me and others, a house or ordinary building. But apparently you are hundreds of feet up in the air. I think the reader will adjust the physical PoV several times in these two paragraphs unless you are clearer.

Your snow similes are wordy for your normal style, and that's not necessary.

Paragraph one tells us the air is full of snow. Paragraph two tells us the air is full of “wasps.” That brings up an interesting image, wasps almost as small as snowflakes, but that's the wrong image, isn't it? Compare this:

Snow falls thick upon the city of Asperia, fluttering in the wind like angel feathers. White and pure, frozen into delicate crystals that only my eyes can see. They swirl in a whirlwind of controlled chaos to land so lightly on the ground, and they blanket the high, high rooftop where I stand, unmoved by wind and cold.

Below me the streets glitter with the warm welcoming lights of the human world: shops and restaurants, flickering street lamps and the restless passing lights of transport. Their transports are now so advanced that the air is thick with them, a swarm of great mechanical birds barely avoiding each other. People walk the streets in sharp angles around sky scrapers, walking fast, lost in their own world in the snow, undisturbed by the swarming turmoil above them.

There's another problem that I did not attempt to fix. The air is NOT thick with transport because it is so advanced (or developed). You could have the fanciest planes in the world taking off one per hour. The air is thick with them, I guess because they have become routine and ever necessary.

It's very hard to start a novel just right. I hope I've given you something to think about.

Hey, just finished reading this in one sitting and what can I say?

You seem like a master of this genre, certainly a master of description..
Lol I'm getting jealous now. Everything so far has been believable, exciting and dramatic. Even when some parts of it were clichéd, you portrayed in a new exciting way.

One thing I thought was really impressive were your action seens, particularly the duel with Keenar. The whole story seemed to jump into overdrive and I was reading much faster.

On another I can relate to the posts earlier about some names being in other things already, one I've noticed myself is that Lorcan is also a vampire in the book Vampirates, but hey these things don't matter. If your ideas are unique then what does it matter if they share a same name. And I can safely say, this story is shaping out better than MANY, many published novels.

The end! lol

I absolutely love your work and I'm glad you finally posted chapter 12!! Your story is turning out great, I can't wait to read more Please get this published so I can go buy it! I'm starting to really like Lexan, I wonder if Raven is too??

MORE PLEASE!!!
=D>

Thank you, Pagemaster - my ever present rock and devout reader

Tobyr21 - Cheers, those were some good pointers. It's always useful when people spot things you miss. It's hard finding the right words to get people to see what you see and sometimes I need a nudge to point me in the right direction. Thank you for the examples

Wow, Celtic Flame, you read the whole thing in one sitting?! Your eyes must be like lol. Glad you enjoyed it. Yeah the duel was definitely fun to write... considering I wrote it during a really boring lecture about river catchments. Thanks for the comments!

Ion, you're not alone in your feelings for Lexan This might sound crazy but if you can fall in love with your own book characters then Lexan is one of my favorites. He's just uber lol. Handsome, powerful, charismatic...short tempered and broody *grin* I was hoping he'd be the character the girls fell for. That is, until Sethis steps back in then there'll be some competition lol.

Ooh, so Sethis is coming back! interesting....
I know what you mean Akroma, it's very easy to fall in love with your very own characters!

I loved the idea of mental hide-and-seek, that genuinely made me laugh.

Originally Posted by Akroma

Thank you, Pagemaster - my ever present rock and devout reader

I feel honoured

Chapter 12 continued...

The darkness pressed in on me, a great force that triggered blind panic within my mind. I could not even see my own hand before my face. There was no end to the icy water as I willed myself to carry on swimming, the lake turning into an abyss. My lungs screamed for air but I had lost the surface long ago, that shimmering barrier now a memory since past.


I reached for my Gift within but found nothing – an empty hole where a fountain of power used to lie. Completely unnerved, my limbs froze in fear and suffocation set in as my mind fell apart into chaos. I was drowning! Precious bubbles of oxygen escaped my lips but I could not see them as they travelled to what could only be the surface. I was dying…dying…

<Raven...>


That voice…I recognised that voice…but no, I was drowning. The blackness was crushing me…

<Raven…>


Confused, I looked for the speaker but saw only darkness. Then the darkness began to fade, the feelings of fear and panic evaporating to be replaced by a pounding ache in my head. Yet I found myself breathing sweet sustaining air, warm with a hint of wood smoke and the chill in my bones beginning to thaw.

<That’s it; pull away from the darkness, Raven…>


I felt a soft carpet beneath me and heard the gentle crackling of flames nearby. I could smell an earthy scent that was somewhat comforting and realised that someone was holding me. Slowly my eyes flickered open and Lexan’s face shifted into focus.


His eyes were closed and a slight frown knitted his brows. His elegant fingers were rested upon my forehead and I felt the pain behind my eyes slowly ebbing away. The proximity of our bodies made my heart race and I realised that he had undone some of the laces of my corset to better aid my breathing.


His eyes opened and regarded me with an unreadable expression, his fingers slipping off my brow.


“Evocative dreams you have,” he murmured.


I nodded and swallowed hard. His face was so close to mine and I could still feel the gentle imprint of his fingers upon me; a lingering tingle that made me shiver.


Lexan’s frown deepened slightly as I leaned towards him, my heart beating hard. I saw him close his beautiful eyes, his smooth lips parting. I closed my own eyes and leaned in close…closer...


My lips touched his cheek and I opened my eyes in confusion. Lexan had turned away. Suddenly feeling awkward and embarrassed I shuffled out of his arms and sat near the hearth, silently berating myself for being so stupid.


“I…I’m sorry, Raven,” he said quietly. He rested his head in his hands. When he finally raised it again his tormented visage alarmed me.


“I cannot love another-”


“No it was my fault, I didn’t mean-”


“Do not apologize I just-”


“No, no, I wasn’t thinking-”


His voice was steady but bore such a torrent of sorrow that I was utterly disarmed. “I cannot…not after…I could not bear to live it again if…” He shook his head and fixed me with an unwavering gaze. “I cannot give you what you seek. You understand?”


I nodded. “I understand.” My voice was hoarse. I put a hand on his shoulder. “I understand.” He tried to give me a smile but it was ruined. The expression he gave me, however, was a grateful one.


The silence spanned between us.


“Lorcan?” I asked.


“He is fine,” said Lexan. “Unharmed. Just worried about you.”


I nodded. The silence grew heavier. I turned to go but his hand on my arm made me stop.


“I am not the one you love, Raven,” he said softly.


A questioning look passed my face.


“I have seen your mind. You are…lonely. You miss the touch of a lover, the comfort of a companion, and so you have turned to those closest to you. But you do not love me…I think that it is time you stopped pushing him away, Raven. Seek out the one where your heart truly lies. If he accepts what you have become, what you will always be, then you have truly found the missing piece of your soul. If not, then he is not the one.”


My throat had gone dry and I could not think of anything to say. His eyes bore deep into mine and he knew exactly what he was talking about. Slowly I bowed and left the room.

Amazing, breathtaking scene. You lil romantic you

It was obvious that something was going to happen between them, but for Lexan to turn away, marvelous. Impressively written, and I love the way you're bringing back Raven's love.