Thread: Raven (Vampires, Werewolves, Demons, Angels!)

I must say I really enjoyed the Prologue and I'll be checking all the time for updates. Also if I wasn't a man this piece would probably made me shed a tear, that's how good your description was...

Ok! here we go! Load you computer desk with snacks and soda and perhaps put a cushion under your bum, cos if you read as slow as I do, you'll be here for a while. But do feel free to breaks, you know make a cup of tea...have some friends round...get a facial...

Chapter 1

I awoke with a flinch to the harsh scream of my alarm. Still half asleep, I reached out an arm, my hand blundering across the bedside table until my fingers came into contact with the “off” button. I then lay still, waiting for my heart to settle back down into my chest before letting myself doze again. The man beside me stirred but did not wake. I looked at him as best I could, with our naked bodies entwined together beneath the sheets, and smoothed away his long black hair, kissing him on the forehead. My prince. My knight in shining armour.

“Honey?” I said softly, caressing his beautifully sculpted face. “It’s time to get up.” He mumbled something inaudible and buried his face into my neck, refusing to rise. I sighed and held him closer, savouring the feeling of his warm soft skin against mine. I rubbed my thumb against his silken lips then tenderly kissed him, a delightful shiver running through me.

A smile tugged at the corners of his lips and Sethis slowly opened his eyes, an intense blaze of blue meeting my dark forest green.

“Morning,” he said in a husky voice heavy with sleep. He then grinned and pulled me closer for another kiss. Still, after six years, he had that power that could melt me down into a helpless pool of wax from a single look; a single word; a single kiss.

“Raven,” he murmured, “my heart.”

I smiled and gave him a squeeze as I held him, my eyes settling on the window and the cloudless sky outside. After a while he disentangled himself from me and looked at my face.

“Penny for your thoughts,” he said, that familiar line making me smile again, always spoken when we knew the other was thinking hard about something. I hesitated.

“I just can’t imagine being without you,” I whispered. His smile did not fade but his eyes became serious and he nodded.

“I just…feel that it can’t last, you know?” I continued. “Like something’s going to happen; something that’ll tear us apart.” Tears came unbidden to my eyes, the sudden emotion of sadness welling up inside me from the thought.

Sethis’ smile was gone now, his intense eyes full of concern. Without hesitation he reached for a tissue and gently soaked up my tears with it, caressing my cheeks and holding me in his secure embrace. “Hey, don’t cry,” he whispered soothingly. “Don’t cry.”

“If something happened to you…I couldn’t live…I couldn’t live without you,” I said. “I couldn’t bear it, not seeing your face; feeling your touch; hearing your voice…And I just know that sooner or later it really will happen. We’ll get old…one of us will die before the other…knowing that I’ll never see you again or you never seeing me again…”

“Sshhh,” Sethis cut through my ramblings. “Don’t think about that. Nothing’s going to tear us apart. I’ll love you forever, ok?” He lifted my face so that his eyes looked directly into mine. “Ok?”

I smiled crookedly and nodded. “Ok.” I felt foolish for getting so emotional on him first thing in the morning. “Sorry,” I added sheepishly.

“Don’t be,” he whispered and pulled me closer. “Besides,” his smile coming back, “I’m going to live forever!” I laughed at his little jest.

“Really! I am,” he protested. “And so are you.” I smiled at the thought, immediately feeling better from his comforting presence.

After a moment he said, “I’ll go make us some breakfast.” Sethis gently released me then got out of bed, pulled on some boxers (left on the floor from the night before), some black jeans and went downstairs. While he was clattering around in the kitchen, I stepped into the shower. The warm water washing over me was refreshing and it woke me up completely.

When I came out of the bathroom, wrapped in my dressing gown, Sethis was standing in front of the door grinning. I knew what he was thinking. Without warning he pulled me into his arms again, his lips against mine, his hands tenderly exploring a way into the silk gown to my bare skin.

“We don’t have time,” I murmured. “We’re already late for work.”

He smiled and continued kissing me. “There’s always time,” he whispered ever so softly in my ear. The dressing gown came free and I was lost, tumbling and falling into a world where there was only the softness of his touch, the fire of desire, the sound of his breathing, and nothing else.

*♥*

Work was chaotic. Several days in the field had left us with a lot of data to analyse. If we were to be conserving Asperia’s wildlife, it had to be done thoroughly. All those statistics and hours of staring at a computer made my head hurt and my eyes tired. Constantly my mind would wander to Sethis. Was he having a good day teaching at the school? I smiled to myself knowing that he certainly enjoyed it. And no doubt I enjoyed working with the environment. But there were those days that really made you want to scream.

But it did put a smile on my face every time I imagined Sethis in a class full of teenagers all arguing about different subjects in sociology. His empathic soul and strong opinions made him just right for the job. Besides, in some respects he will always remain a big kid to me. Just because one gets older doesn’t mean they have to grow up. I laugh to think we’d still be acting like kids at the age of seventy-five! No different than our gambolling little grandchildren! Grinning to myself, I picked up the computer mouse and carried on working.

At last the sun set over the horizon and it all drew to a close. I thankfully burst out of the office block, only to find that it was raining. I silently cursed the weather, drew my coat tighter around me and plunged into the dark downpour. I walked fast, eager to get home to Sethis; a small smile playing on my lips as I imagined him holding me in his strong embrace, stripping me of my wet clothes, and…

Suddenly my phone rang, shattering my dreams. I fumbled around in my bag, ducked under an overhang for shelter and picked up.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Honey.” It was Sethis. “Did your day go ok?”

“Busy,” I replied with a sigh. “I’m so tired. Just on my way home now.”

“Well be careful, my love. You know how dangerous it is walking round the city at night on your own. I just called to say that I’ll be coming home late tonight.” My heart sank. “There are a few more things we need to sort out after the parent’s evening, and then they’re all going to the pub for a drink.”

“Oh…” I said, crestfallen, “well…I know you have to go…good to keep up appearances I guess and it might be a bit rude for you not to...”

“I’m so sorry, Honey,” he said. “You know I’d rather just come home and be with you. I promise I’ll try not to be too late. How about I bring home some Chinese? Dim sum...? We can eat it while watching that film you wanted to see tonight on TV?”

I smiled and said “I’ll be counting down the hours.”

“OK,” he said softly. After a pause he said, “I love you.”

So many times he said this to me but it never lost its meaning. The full force and passion of those three words hit me like an ecstasy in my soul every time. I knew it six years ago when we first started going together, I a young girl of nineteen, he a few months younger.

“I know. And I love you,” I replied, amazed at how a simple phone signal could send a message containing all my heart, all my soul and all my life.

We hung up and I carried on walking.

*♥*

I was five minutes away from our house when it happened: the event that changed my life forever. Our house was a beautiful old cottage on the outskirts of Asperia, surrounded on three sides by lush green forests and rolling fields. I could see our horses grazing in the paddock; an owl hooting softly at the night. Thinking of Sethis, I slowly began to walk up the long tree-lined driveway to our home.

It happened so fast that I didn’t even have time to scream. All I remember was a shadow dropping out of the sky, black cloaks curling around me in the darkness. The white face of a woman filled my vision, her luminescent violet eyes burning into mine; such beautiful yet haunting eyes. Her hair fell like a shower of pure gold around me and fingernails dug into my back as I was held in a grip of steel. I felt her chest rise as she inhaled deeply as if taking in my scent, her lips brushing my skin. Then I felt it. The pinprick of pain in my neck as she bit.

Right at that moment, as her fangs sank deep into my veins, a kaleidoscope of images raced through me. Scenes of my life snapped from one to the other so fast; my childhood; my family; my friends. The images stopped flitting by and one managed to hold in my mind. Sethis. It was an image I had of him when we were in university. I’d just walked into his room. He had suddenly looked up from what he was doing and I was completely entranced just looking at him; his intense blue eyes, his lustrous black hair, the curve of his lips…then he would smile, that infectious expression burning into my mind, the tender look in his eyes filling me with a peace that was calming. I reached out for him, wanting to touch him. Why was he getting so far away?

Suddenly the real world lurched back into focus. I was lying on my back on the hard rock-strewn floor, rain blinding my eyes, drenching me to the bone. Confused and weak, the world spinning about me, I looked around. The vampire had dropped me, distracted by the wound in her breast, a bloodied knife grasped in her hand; a knife like no other I’d seen before. Blood was pouring from the gash in copious amounts, oozing from the horrid hole and staining her dress. Her high-pitched screams seared through my head.

Fear drove me at that moment. Pure, blinding fear. I turned and stumbled away as fast as I could, throwing myself into a trench on the roadside, only vaguely aware of the blood still flowing down my neck.

From my hiding place I witnessed the vampire stand a deadly shower as more knives sank into her, exploding through her flesh before she finally fell to the ground, her screaming body disintegrating before my eyes. Trembling in fear, I cowered in the shelter of the trench. But I could not tear my eyes away. I just lay there and watched as her flesh crumbled away into dust, those violet eyes rolling out of the decomposing skull before melting away into nothing. Even her black dress and cloaks were crumbling away with her until there was absolutely nothing left at all. I was filled with horror and a wave of nausea rose up in my throat.

Suddenly I heard footsteps approaching. I held my breath, the beating of my heart thumping loud in my ears. Three men appeared. At least I thought they were men…I couldn’t be sure. The blinding rain and the confusion in my head showed me three shadowy figures shaped like men, but taller and thinner as if they were wraiths. Their mouths were stretched into gaping black maws and their eyes were no more than empty sockets. The creatures stood around the vicinity where the vampire died, those ethereal knives clutched in their blackened claws. As I watched, a shiver ran down my spine; a dread filling me so completely that it was all I could do to stop myself from screaming and falling into insanity.

Not a word was exchanged between those demons of fear. They just looked on with eyeless sockets, making sure that their prey was truly dead. Then, without warning, they turned and disappeared as inexplicably as they had arrived.

Still shivering, I waited until I was sure they’d gone, and then emerged from my hiding place. As I stood up the floor lurched and tilted, my head spinning. There was hardly any strength left in me and I could barely stand. Soaked to the bone, numb with cold, and trembling with horror, I stumbled towards my apartment.

*♥*

I do not know how I managed it but I found myself at my front door; my beautiful strong dark mahogany door. Holding on to the doorframe for support, my fingernails scratching at the paint, I fumbled for my keys. My hands were trembling violently; I could barely fit the key in the lock. At last the bolt turned and I fell into my cottage, not knowing whether I closed the door behind me or not. No one was home. The place was dark and silent. I staggered towards the bedroom but before I could reach it my legs gave out beneath me. My consciousness wavered and threatened to close.

Sethis! I had to contact Sethis! I had to tell him…but I couldn’t move. My mind was in turmoil. I was too weak…too much blood…Sethis…somebody…

The black curtains fell. I passed into a dream-like haze, the darkness swirling around me, encloaking me, suffocating me. Suddenly an itching started in my skin, spreading through my whole body, slowly getting worse and worse. Soon it was on fire, my very bones crackling like hot embers inside me. Far away I heard someone screaming. Perhaps it was me. I do not know. I felt like needles were piercing my gums. My eyes were burning! God my eyes! My teeth…they were getting longer…sharper…What’s happening to me?! Someone stop this happening to me!

Suddenly, through the pain, I saw faces rise out of the darkness. Faces all around me, grim and stern yet beautiful; their eyes narrowed, their lips set in hard lines. They faded in and out as my consciousness wavered. Some looked normal. Others looked pale…too pale…the white skin too flawless…something wrong with their eyes…all their eyes…too bright…too radiant…they burned into mine as if they could see my soul.

The pain increased and they disappeared into the black abyss. Far away I could hear voices…so far away and fading fast.

“She is already turning.”

“Should we kill her? It seems she is already at death’s door…”

“No…there is something different about this one…I can sense it…no. Let us take her with us. Help her. Gently now. Lorcan, you carry her…”

I felt strong hands lifting me from the floor. A sharp prick in my arm made me cry out but then the burning seemed to lessen a little. One of the pale faces loomed out of the darkness again.

“That should make you feel a little better,” he said. He was barely audible. “Do not worry. We shall not harm you. We want to help you…”

The blackness closed in around me then, and I remembered nothing more.

You have me hooked! They way you write is just amazing! I'll be watching for more...

~Mike~

I have yet to read chapter one, but on the prologue, I agree with Chaeronia's comments, I am no grammar master, but from reading other critiques (really harsh critiques of Dune and Dan Brown's work) I am really aware of the technical aspects of writing at the moment. Something about the flow of the second paragraph seemed to distract me from the story, I can't really put my finger on it other than perhaps it moved my attention from the city below, to the flying aircraft etc, then back down - so that you had to remind me we were looking at 'far below' it is the far below that caught my attention. It feels more like we are going to street level, then back up to the transports, then back to street level - as opposed to looking down level by level until we are at the VERY detailed sounds and details of the people below.

I hope that doesn't come across as overly critical or anything. I am definately impressed and intrigued and look forward to diving into the first chapter!

-invid

hey, errr, i'm getting right into it, so if you could let me know when you've posted more i'd be so grateful.

also hoping to learn from you. x

I agree with the rest of the comments really good start.

that was great. im really looking forward to more. this sethis guy sounds like a guy out of my dream land. haha just my type. and this story is more entrancing as it goes. im hooked. deffinately.

and im thinking...maybe sethis' little bit about living forever has more meaning than just him being optimistic. at first i thought he was a vamp and was going to try and change her himself. perhaps not....

regardless. this is great so far!

Thanks for your comments everyone, I'm glad you're enjoying it.

this sethis guy sounds like a guy out of my dream land. haha just my type.

Lol, yeah I'm writing the character of Sethis on my boyfriend *snigger* Ah he's everything to me (I would put a huggy or kissy smily in but THERE ARE NONE!!! *gasp*

Chapter 2

The first thing I remember as I regained consciousness was feeling the softness of a mattress beneath me. Satin sheets lay softly against my skin, which no longer burned, and a feather pillow supported my head which felt unusually clear. I breathed deep and smelt a hint of wood smoke mingled with the scent of antique carpets. Slowly I opened my eyes and looked around me. I found myself in a large room, lavishly decorated with luxurious wooden furniture. The four-poster bed that I lay in had beautiful carvings of what could only be described as naked elf-like creatures, the drapes falling in waves of a translucent dark red.

The chandelier above me was dimmed, casting a warm glow to the room. As my eyes slid to the walls I was captivated by a world of paintings; the half human half horse centaurs, mer-folk with their fish tails sliding through the dark blue waters, white unicorns with silver hooves gliding through the air…even a great white dragon with its elf-rider standing small and insignificant beside it. All these overwhelming artworks were accompanied by an elegant mirror, its silver border beautifully wrought into intricate shapes and patterns. Stretching the length of the white marble floor was a finely woven carpet and a huge fireplace stood set into the wall, already inhabited by warm, crackling embers. For a moment my eyes seemed to be bound to the red flickering flames of the fire. It was so…beautiful! I was enraptured. Never before had I seen something in so much detail.

Suddenly I came to my senses. Where was this? What happened to me? In a great wave of images my memory came flooding back – the vampire, those sinister black phantoms, the white faces…how long had I been unconscious? I sat up, the blood-red satin sheets sliding deliciously over my naked skin as if I were hypersensitive. It felt so smooth! I suddenly caught sight of my arms and gasped. They were white. As white and smooth as paper, flawless in blemishes, wrinkles or wounds. I looked myself over – all white. It was unbelievable. I raised my a hand to my neck and shivered as my fingers brushed two small scars. I ran my tongue over my teeth. They felt different. Two of them had grown longer…sharper…my heart suddenly stuck in my throat.

“Oh God…” I moaned, my voice hoarse from disuse. Or was it from the screaming? Fear rose up in me again, threatening to break out into panic. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself. I had to think straight. Find out what happened and where I was!

Slowly I placed my feet on the cold floor and stood up slowly, expecting to fall over or faint. I did not. In fact, I felt stronger than I had ever felt before. Gingerly I walked over to a large oak cupboard carved with the figure of a knight in full plate armour, tall and stern upon his white stallion. I grasped the great bronze rings and pulled the doors open. The garments that greeted me were black. All of them, yet of good quality – strong and finely tailored.

I tried on some tight fitting trousers, and then looked for something to cover my torso, but all I could find were corsets. They were beautiful but I thought it strange. No one now wears corsets in this day and age and I had never tried one on before. I still had no idea where I was or who these belonged to. Nonetheless there was nothing else I could wear so I tentatively took one out. The last garment that caught my eye was a long, black, leather trench coat. Growing yet more suspicious, I took it and used it to cover my bare shoulders.

On the floor I discovered some knee-high boots. These too were made of leather and shone with silver plates and buckles. Was there nothing else I could put on my feet? But there was not. Reluctantly I buckled them into place and silently closed the cupboard doors. I turned to the full-length mirror upon the opposite wall, and gasped.

It was as if a completely different person stared back at me. A young woman stood in the reflection, wild black hair tumbling around a white face in which two luminescent green eyes glittered radiantly. Her smooth pale lips were parted in an expression of shock to reveal two deadly sharp fangs.

What have I become? What monster have they turned me into? Once again I had to control that feeling of fear, of absolute terror that if I let loose, I would go mad and never be able to control it again.

At that moment there was a knock at the door. I froze, not knowing what to do. I had noticed that windows did not exist here; there was no escape.

“May I come in?” said a man’s voice. “I know that you have awakened.” His tone was not forceful or hostile. Rather it was soft and calm; soothing to my distressed mind; kind even. I swallowed hard and steeled myself.

“…yes…you may enter…” I answered uncertainly.

The door opened and a man stepped in. I saw immediately that he was one of them…or rather I was one of them…the same white skin, smooth without age, clad in luxurious black clothing. He was tall and attractive; beautiful even; with his elven-warrior face, black hair and his tall fine structure. At first glance he looked terribly young – not much older than I! But then I looked into his eyes and I was lost, tumbling through an endless spiral of time, memories, and countless joys and pains endured through long years. I quickly looked away, embarrassed and insignificant in front of so much wisdom, but the luminous blue of his eyes still left their imprint in my mind before they faded.

“I see you have found the garments we constructed for you,” he said softly in that calm, melodious tone of his. “I am afraid your other clothes were ruined beyond repair and we discarded them.”

I said nothing. It all felt too surreal like a dream that did not make sense. Was this really happening to me? What did these creatures want?

“I know how you must feel,” he said after a pause. “Afraid. Confused. But I assure you I will not harm you. I have come as a friend. To help you.”

I stood silent for a long time. Then at last I wrenched up the courage to speak.

“What happened to me?” My voice was trembling and I could not look at him in the eyes.

“One of our kind was…hunting you,” he said hesitantly. “She intended to…”

“Kill me,” I interrupted.

“Yes. Try to understand we never intended it to be like this…so awkward…so hard for you. We almost never turn anyone; not until they are ready. Not until they know what they are getting into, and these are few. But when we went to find the unfinished victim of our murdered sister, I sensed that you were…special. Something told me that we had to help you make the change. That you would be able to…help us. For four days we have protected and aided you through the change, here in this underground mansion where we dwell.”

Understanding and belief finally dawned on me.

“I am a vampire,” I whispered. “I was supposed to be killed…but now I am a vampire…” My mind was spinning and I clutched one of the posts of the bed for support, the room twisting around me. I felt a hand gently grasp my arm as I sank onto the bed. A well of emotions was bubbling up inside me – shock, anger, sadness, confusion…

“Who are you? Where am I? What where those terrible demons…?”

Out of the swirling mist that had covered my vision, a pair of intense eyes, stern and hard, came into focus.

“Stay away from them. They were once human but are now slaves of Naberus. They will kill you on sight without hesitation regardless of your intensions. They are The Marekk and they know of our weaknesses – arghanium, fire, sunlight…the only substances deadly to us. If you ever come across one, kill him. I swear it they will do much worse to you.”

“Arghanium? The metal…?” Too many things were running through my head. “What is Naberus? Kill them…? Where am I…?” Panic was beginning to have control over me. My heart was hammering inside my chest and I was breathing fast. Anger was boiling up inside me and beginning to leak through the steel bars that had tried to contain it.

“You almost killed me,” I said shrilly, my voice trembling with rage. “You think better of it, turn me into a monstrous creature, and you expect me to join you?! To help you?!”

My voice was steadily rising, the constraints on my anger breaking until I was screaming at this man…vampire…as he stood there, face emotionless and still. Or did I see a hint of sadness in those inscrutable eyes?

“I had a life!!” I cried, my voice becoming hoarse once more. “I was happy!” Tears were welling up in my eyes, and to my growing horror they were tinted with blood. “It was my dream! I had the perfect job! A beautiful house! A loving boyfriend!!” Suddenly I gasped then broke into a river of tears, trembling and sobbing hopelessly. “Oh God…Sethis…God…”

Four days! They would think I was dead by now – especially as I had left a trail of blood through the house, a pool of it glistening red upon the floor.

“Damn you…” I cursed in a shuddering whisper. “Damn you to Hell…”

Through my tears I saw him standing there, that vampire with the eyes like abyssal pits of time. He did not move towards me but said in a soft voice,

“I am sorry. I never meant for it to be this way…”

I closed my eyes and swallowed hard, desperate to bring some composure to my quaking body and mind. “What is your name?” I asked in a low voice, my head seething with my anger.

“Lexan,” he whispered, a hurt tone in his deep voice.

“Lexan,” I said, finding the name bitter on my tongue. I looked up and glared at him directly in the eyes even though they made me tremble. “I will never join you!”

With those last words I stood and, with a burst of energy, swept past him and out of the room. I kept running, expecting to be chased, though when I looked back there was no one in sight. All I saw before me was a long corridor leading to another and another and another. Panic once again grasped me as I realised that I had no idea where to run. Turning corners at random, I blundered through this rich underground manor, with its beautifully decorated rooms and wide passageways lined with paintings and suits of armour. I met no one.

All of a sudden a great spiralling flight of stairs appeared before me. At a glance they seemed to run straight down the middle of the house and I took them, running upwards and upwards, never stopping, never tiring. Blinded by my tears, I barely noticed the many vampires I ran past. A brief glance showed them looking up in surprise, their eyes burning like colourful flames in their beautiful faces. At one point I must have imagined seeing an enormous grey wolf lying at the feet of a red-haired woman, its head snapping up as I sped past, its eyes burning gold.

I reached the top of the stairs and stopped, gasping for air. I was alone in a great hall of marble. Where were the doors out of this colossal coffin?

I scanned the white marble walls of the hall. No doors. I imagined that any minute those vampires were going to come bounding up the stairs after me. They did not. Suddenly an idea came to me, an idea that sprung out of pure desperation. I approached one of the many columns and knocked upon the cold surface of the stone. Nothing. Running to another I did the same again. Solid stone. I ran to another, a cry of despair escaping me. Praying hard, I knocked again.

My heart gave a leap as I heard the sound that deemed it hollow. Then I saw it: it would have been invisible to the human eye but my senses were improving and it caught my gaze – a thin slice in the stone, too round and perfect for it to be part of its natural grain. I pushed it and, just as I’d hoped, an opening appeared in the column. I quickly stepped inside. The doors closed and I was encased in absolute darkness. The slight feeling of vertigo in the pit of my stomach told me that I was going up and before I knew it, the doors had slid open and I found myself in a quiet alley behind a popular night club: The Sanctuary. I looked behind me and was faced with a smooth brick wall. The doors had closed. I had escaped.

oo nice. he sounds hot too. and lexan is an unbearably cool name. i like it. this is just my kind of story.

lucky you, miss ' my boyfriend is a god ' haha .

im liking this more and more. and i adore your style

keep it coming

I liked the prologue quite a bit. I'm usually not too big on heavy description... but I just have to get into it and sometimes I like it, like now. B+ for the prologue.

The next chapter... the dialogue in bed between the guy and the lady, very very unnatural. "I love you, I can't live without you, etc etc"

What if we just heard her thoughts (about her fear of their separation) and there was a subtext of dialogue to go along with that. Hell, even her thoughts could be subdued a little (ie. i have this sinking feeling in my chest, but eh... I really don't want to think about it, it's too uncomfortable).

Originally Posted by jimmycracker

The next chapter... the dialogue in bed between the guy and the lady, very very unnatural. "I love you, I can't live without you, etc etc"

Well, that's a bit amusing, since the conversation is, line for line, a transcript of a conversation I had one night with my boyfriend. The words are very slightly different, but the expressions and theme are identical. I wonder if this means I have unnatural conversations?

I guess that's what it means. I don't think most people are that open. They show their love more than they say it. Perhaps you're different. Nonetheless, it still didn't feel right to me.

i kindof agree with jimmy...kindof.

i dont have any real problem with the way you have it setup now. but it is alittle bit forward. maybe if you started it out abit more tentatively. instead of just blunt -these characters are in love- right in the begining. one of my favorite parts of romance in books is the actual process that leads up to them being in love. you could just do something more laid back. or sethis could do something for raven that shows his love.

but then.. i probably wouldnt have even thought about it at all had jimmy not brought it up. it really didnt take away from the story for me at all.

and you are the writer. you're the only one who knows your plan

i trust you

Well...don't you lie in bed with your bf/gf and talk bout things like that? I mean...they can afford to be forward and completely in love! They've been going out for six years! They know each other through and through. Well...I thought it was nice anyway even if no one else liked it.

I guess that teaches me to put personal stuff in a story. It's not a story of them falling in love, it's a story of what happens to their love through the changes. Mmm...can't please everyone I guess.

whoops. i forgot about the knowing each other for 6 years part. and it still pleases me. and i still think its adorablly endearing. i didnt really think about the story being about what happens to their love. thats why i thought it was odd to be so abrupt. but now i get that they have an intense background before this story even starts.

i think it should be left as is, b/c if you are going to be doing as the changes in their love then it makes alot more sense to have them be in love in the begining. i think i was just confused as to where their love was going.

thanks for clearing that up

btw. i think you should marry your boyfriend. idk how old you are but he sounds like a keeper.

and putting true life experiance into a story makes it more real

so i change my mind. ive got all the facts. if you changed it now it would alter the whole effect of the story, and thats not something i want to happen

i really love this story. post more soon!