Thread: Raven (Vampires, Werewolves, Demons, Angels!)

Lol I know what you mean - my eyes hate computer screens. I have a printed version at home for friends and family to read. Can't wait to get it properly published and printed!!!! ....Yeah like that'll ever happen![/COLOR]

Let me let you in on a little secret.

There is no such thing is "people who have it". It's all about hard work, if you're prepared to commit to something you can do it, provided you put in the effort and the work.

Good dialogue. Action scene!

Nits:

The voice in my mind made me start and my wings beat out of sync, making me stumble in the air for a moment.

Stumble reminds me of walking. "Falter" might be a better word.

I folded my wings tight to my back and fell in a vertical dive towards the earth

A dive is vertical, whether angled or not. You could sum this up in a word like "plunge." I folded my wings tight to my back and plunged towards the earth...

My sheath sang as I pulled the blade free, the etchings upon it glowing an angry red.

She has a singing sheath. Nice. Why not just say "I pulled my blade free" directly?



Milo

I just skimmed over it (I'm not fast enough of a reader to have finished it, plus I need more paper, 131 is a surprising amount of paper @@) and the first few things I've noticed is certain sentences repeating, which caught my eye. "I remember nothing", sentences like that.

Also, you seem to make odd similes/descriptions in want to use a broader vocabulary, which is a little mistake(I'll pick out specifics as I go along).

Thanks for your comments, everyone!

Chapter 11 continued...

It took two hours for Keenar and Galahad to stop questioning me about the night’s events and by that time I was completely exhausted. After showering and changing, I had gone upstairs to the bar in the night club to calm my nerves over a glass of the special sweet blood that I had first tried with the Brothers. “The usual red wine” was the code I normally gave to Alaric – the Vampire who managed the club, and he complied with a soft smile.


“Rough night?” he asked.


I merely nodded.


Now that Keenar and Galahad had tired of my short, one-worded answers they had waltzed off into the night, leaving me to sit in solitude and listen to the music, regarding the mortals around me as they laughed and danced despite the late hour and dawn quickly approaching.


The door with the ‘staff only’ sign, leading to a secret elevator down into the mansion, clicked and opened. My eyes widened in surprise as Lexan stepped out and closed the door behind him. He was clean and fresh and had changed into a casual black suit, the top few buttons of his violet silk shirt left undone. There was no sign of his wounds – they had been completely healed and not a scar was left. Only the dark shadows of his eyes betrayed his exhaustion and the way he almost collapsed onto the sofa in the lounge section.


He smiled and nodded at Alaric as the bar tender placed a glass of ‘red wine’ upon the table before him, and then scanned the room with his fiery blue eyes. He did not seem to notice me.


It was not long before his gaze locked with a beautiful woman, his charismatic smile enticing her over. She came and sat close to him, his charms making her blush and giggle – a whisper in her ear, a small rose appearing before her eyes in his long fingers. I had never seen the way another of my kind ‘hunted’ and I averted my eyes in respect. Instead, my thoughts strayed to other things.


I wanted to learn how to heal, but Lylas had said that it was more difficult than it looked. The best healers could heal a wound all the way and not even leave a scar, but others had to just make do with stopping the bleeding and closing the wound. Time would do the rest. Arghanium wounds were a whole different matter in that they were a lot harder to heal and these always left a scar. Always. The scar on my lower back was proof of that and I rubbed it absently.


Lylas also said that you had to achieve some sort of physical and mental link with the body. It was not unlike a mind link and you could compel the body to produce more plasma or create new tissue. I wondered, with a shiver, if you could compel the body to degrade as well.


I thought about the mind link that Lexan had managed to establish earlier on that night and wondered if I should give it a try. I became excited at the thought and closed my eyes in concentration, focusing upon Lexan’s lady companion who was currently locked in a passionate kiss with the Vampire, his fingers gently caressing her cheek and sliding down her neck, his eyes taking on a glazed cast. I knew that what I was doing was wrong and invasive but I could not help myself. Curiosity ever got the better of me and I was determined to master the skill.


Only ten minutes had passed when, with a jolt of my heart, I felt her consciousness brush against mine. Images of her thoughts fluttered through my mind but what I did not expect was the rush of emotions. I gasped as a sense of happiness and elation mixed with passion and lust flooded through me, making me tremble where I sat. She was so focused upon him that, without thinking, Lexan’s mind became linked with my own and it became his thoughts that slid past my eyes.


Ashamed and startled, I prepared to sever the connection but, once again, curiosity stayed my hand. This is wrong I thought. But I could not bring myself to break the link.


Lexan’s method of seduction was perfect – sculpted and improved over millennia as night after night he hunted by taking women’s hearts and enticing them to bed. But he was not cruel – far from it. His women felt loved, ascending to the ranks of a Goddess like never before, the world revolving around them, every small action done for them. Their last night was spent in ecstasy, their minds clouded with lust and passion. He would take their lives quickly and painlessly, drinking their thirst-quenching blood within the throes of climax, and always they would die with a smile upon their lips, completely oblivious to their fates even in the last few seconds of life.


“Raven?”


Startled, I looked up, Lexan’s thoughts still sliding through my head. Alaric regarded me with concern. “Are you alright? Perhaps you should go and rest, you seem to be sleeping where you sit.”


“I…thank you, Alaric. That is probably best.”


He nodded and turned away to clean the bar. My eyes swung back towards Lexan to see him leading the woman towards the stairs that lead up to various rooms above The Sanctuary. He was smiling softly at her and kissed the back of her hand.

<You should probably leave us now, Raven. Enough delving into my thoughts for tonight, yes?>


I almost cried out in surprise. His tone was not angry or abrasive and I did not sense any annoyance or displeasure from his mind. It was more a polite order, but still I felt ashamed and did not think he would have known.

<I…I’m sorry, Lexan…>

<You are a fast learner. Meet me tomorrow night in my quarters and I can give you a little lesson on mind links.>

<Yes, my Lord>


The couple had reached the stairs and were mounting them slowly as Lexan maintained a verbal conversation with his companion, making her laugh at his words. Before I severed the connection, I said one last thing.

<I…I never thanked you for saving my life tonight…>


Lexan’s eyes slid to mine for the first time.

<And you will never have to,> came his reply. Then they were gone, disappeared up the stairs.



I broke the connection.

How many times am I gonna have to say this to you Akroma - 'AMAZING WORK YET AGAIN'

I cant help but think that emotions may grow strong between Lexan and Raven, but yet again I hope we havent heard the last of Raven's true love who she was taken away from.

Keep up the entertaining work, for the next chapter I may even buy popcorn for

I guess I'm jumping on the bandwagon a little late huh? I just spent.. actually I don't even know how friggin long it took me to read all of it this far. It feels like I'm copping out by not writing a longer response, but there is just so much to respond to. So i'll just sum up your writing in one word: Intense

Great job!

Originally Posted by Sigg

I guess I'm jumping on the bandwagon a little late huh? I just spent.. actually I don't even know how friggin long it took me to read all of it this far. It feels like I'm copping out by not writing a longer response, but there is just so much to respond to. So i'll just sum up your writing in one word: Intense

Great job!

Ah cheers!!! You actually put in the effort and read the whole thing??!! Aw that's so sweet! And awesome! Thanks again. Absolutely love the signature by the way! lol.

Originally Posted by Pagemaster

I cant help but think that emotions may grow strong between Lexan and Raven, but yet again I hope we havent heard the last of Raven's true love who she was taken away from.

Aha! You'll have to wait until chapter 12! But yes she does seem to be leaning into him doesn't she? Bad girl!

hey there been away for bit tht was absoloutly amazing!!!!!! keep it up!

man i wish u could write faster lol but i suppose u gotta w8 for gr8 things

Originally Posted by Akroma

Aha! You'll have to wait until chapter 12! But yes she does seem to be leaning into him doesn't she? Bad girl!

Tease

I caught up its really fantastic and i have no time for a proper reply but its great sorry i keep falling behind

hi i'm d.r, i just wanted to say that your story is very very good and i loved reading what you've written. good luck with the rest not that you need it.

As you mentioned, this is just a prologue to the start of a novel and so the setting is important to lay out. Here you did it very well. As was said, the snow was described well, the town also, its ruin, the changes, all felt right to me, a few things could be tightened up, the 'almost' was mentioned a few others around but nothing that really pulled my eyes from the story as you unfolded it.'

Then my fingers grasp a handhold and all of a sudden time seems to speed up again.

was never fond of sentences starting with 'then' just seems to be a continued thought rather than a beginning of one. You could if you so choose to, change it to 'As my fingers grasp a handhold time returns to its normal pace.' or something like that. Also the next line is in past tense so you might want to consider putting it in present in order to match the action happening around.

I am yanked to my left so quickly that

It yanks me to the left so quickly that...

Just a suggestions, feel free to ignore. Looking forward to more of this tale.

TL

Your story is amazing! I love how you write and everything is so well written, it's just like watching a movie Your action scenes are great too, it's very easy to keep up with what's going on, great job!

The only thing that I saw that you might want to look at is this: "My sheath sang as I pulled the blade free..." You might could use "My blade sang as I pulled it free" instead.

This is a great story and I can definitly see it being published one day! I'll be in line when it come's out!!


P.S Chapter 12?? Where is it??

Woah! Lots of replies since I've been away!!! Wow new faces! Thanks for all your comments I'll certainly go back and re-think things on the original. Those were some useful tips, Ion and Testinglimits, cheers I'm so glad you guys are liking it!

Sorry it's taking so long but I'll definitely put my foot down on Chapter 12 now!

I've read all of this now. While it's not entirely my kind of story, the fact that you write this much and have so much detail shows you are really, really dedicated, whether or not you now realize it. You may keep this story. You may discard it in the future. You may start other things, or finish this one to the end. No matter what, you have a great start, and I see you already have some fans. The first chapters aren't as bad as you might think they are, but if you don't like them, of course you can learn from them.

And you know, for such a common topic, you've done well at giving it your own originality.