Thread: Raven (Vampires, Werewolves, Demons, Angels!)

The snow falls thickly upon the city of Asperia, fluttering and swirling in the wind like so many feathers. Feathers so white and pure as if from the wings of angels, frozen into those delicate crystalline shapes only my eyes can perceive. They swirl round and round in a whirlwind of controlled chaos to land oh so lightly upon the ground, already forming a deep blanket upon the rooftop on which I stand, unmoved by the wind, unbitten by the cold.

i think it should be a colon after 'feathers', its a fragmented sentence. white, pure and angel feel very clichéd when brought together like this. swirl, round and round, whirling? tautology. surely a contradiction in terms, although i know what you mean.

Far below me the streets glitter with the warm welcoming lights of the human world; shops and restaurants, flickering street lamps and the forever passing lights of transport. Transport now so developed that the air is thick with it, like a swarm of mechanical wasps barely avoiding each other. Down below people make their way along streets that wind in sharp angles around their tall sky scrapers, walking fast, lost in a world of their own as they march heavily against the snow, completely undisturbed by the swarming turmoil above them.

this just feels a little awkward. a good vision but not quite realised. you can't wind in sharp angles.

Though several hundred feet below me, I hear their footsteps as they crush the fragile stars of ice beneath their feet; their muttered conversations; even the slight jangling of keys in pockets as I block out the consistent roar of machinery. I see a family of birds taking refuge in a congested gutter, now accustomed to this world of metal.

semi-colons? rethink this sentence... 'congested' is usually associated with traffic not gutters

As I watch from my eyrie, I wonder at how much the world has changed since my death. Everything completely transformed from what it was almost seven hundred years ago when I was still alive – a young woman in my mid-twenties. That part of my life I have almost forgotten…almost.

is 'almost' needed here?

I stand on the brink, looking out at this scar that is Asperia. Once a beautiful and historical city, it is now a slave to electricity like so many others. The old Saints Bridge is broken and the winding cobbled streets lined with old houses are demolished. Nothing historical is left in this world of modernisation. All tradition has ceased to exist.

you could tell us a bit about the history

Still I am glad that the great forests and plains of the continent are left untouched, the extensive cities dotting around it like colossal craters in the earth. The humans quickly realised that without the natural regions, their race would perish. An immense wall was raised around the city and no one now ventures far into the reaches of the wilderness, fearing the unknown that lies within its dark boundaries. Childbirth is controlled. Food is plentiful. And the humans live on in peace within their metal cocoon, still ignorant and unaware of the worlds that live parallel alongside them.

if no-one ventures out then the perspective should be from the city, so it should be more like: 'fearing the unknown that lies beyond the cities boundaries' this doesn't benefit from being broken up. it could easily be one sentence repetition

Something awakens inside me. I know that before long I must gain sustenance. I have stood here for too long watching the human world, listening to the soft rain of snow, feeling it brush my white cheeks. Somewhere beyond the walls a wolf is howling. It is time to go home.

unclear image: rain pours, snow floats

For the first time in hours I stir; a blink; a flexing of the fingers. Then I launch myself into the swirling mass of chaos below me. It seems for eternity that I fall, narrowly avoiding high speed aircraft and vehicles. As if time itself is slowed right down, I see the train intercepting my line of fall, a gigantic centipede of the sky. Vertically driving snow smashes against its windscreen, too slow to avoid its soaring velocity. As it passes beneath me, I reach out a hand and feel the smooth metal sliding underneath my fingertips as it passes by. Then my fingers grasp a handhold and all of a sudden time seems to speed up again.

semi-colons. repeated image, perhaps simplify or think of something new. this sentence starts off passive and end up active. try to avoid words like: as if, seems, appears, almost, as much as possible. can't see this at all. an unnecessary word followed by an awkward description. repetition of 'passes'. 'all of a sudden' feels a bit young for this piece, wouldn't suddenly have done?

I am yanked to my left so quickly that it should have broken my bones. But it does not. I hang on tightly as the train veers and spirals through the air, bringing me closer to the Wall. When I am as close to it as possible, I loosen my hold and slip off the vehicle, landing neatly upon another rooftop. The feeling inside me is strong now; I know I must be swift. Here, near the Wall, Asperia is quieter; less people are inclined to leave the warmth of their homes for the bustling night-life at the centre.

why should here? how can a train veer and spiral? is 'spiral' your favourite word .

A man walks beneath me. He strolls nonchalantly, hands in pockets, whistling softly. His scent is warm and musky, mingled with the slight hint of leather and tobacco; I catch the shampoo in his hair; the salt of his skin; the blood in his veins.

softly is redundant here.

I follow him, moving easily over the rooftops or across the building faces, creeping like a panther; a shadow flowing like liquid night across the hard stone walls. Still several feet above him, I step to the edge of a sheer drop. I look into the black chasm below and jump.

you need a better description here.

Such a fall would kill a human being, shattering bones in the impact, but I land silently behind the unsuspecting man with the precision of a cat. It is dark here. Very dark. A backstreet between houses. I feel bad for this stranger. But he is one of many; so many.

there are a few clichéd images in this piece like 'cat' and 'panther'

He is young, still untouched by the cruel lines of time, his body exquisitely built. His scent is strong now, almost driving me to madness, the hunger rising up inside me like a wave. He does not notice my presence until I have swept up beside him, holding him close. A gasp of surprise escapes his lips as I bury my face in his neck, my lips brushing his smooth skin. He struggles but his strength is no match to mine. I press him closer, feeling the perfectly toned muscles beneath his shirt, my fingers entwining with his silky hair. Such perfection in my arms, his warm flesh against me almost too much to bear. He utters a low groan as I sink my teeth into his neck.

if you are going to use a metaphor be sure its original and also be sure it is needed at all

Images come to me then. Many images as I feel his life flowing over my tongue, quenching my thirst. His name is Lukas. He works at a restaurant. He has a girlfriend; she is very beautiful. He dreams of being married to her one day and working as a pilot. More images and memories crowd my head and I feel him dying.

baring in mind that the previous scene was sensual, this sentence feels staccatoed in comparison and i feel it should continue on naturally from the paragraph above.

As I lower his lifeless body to the floor, I grieve for his family; his lover; his stolen life. But I know he will go to Dantalion to be with Hsaru in that magical world I have yet to see. I both grieve and envy those that I take out of this world…

*♥*

My name is Raven, and I am one of the few vampires left in existence. This is my story; a story of love and of war; of angels and demons; and of the created races. Come with me and learn of my city, my Gods and what happened in the war between the great realms of Dantalion and Naberus. Come with me back seven hundred years ago; back to when I was still alive…and still mortal…

all in all, a very good read. __________________

I have been waiting for something like this for quite some time now. Great description, love the material. keep it up...I wanna read more.

Glad people are enjoying it! Cheers for the tips, Azmakna!

I'll get Chapter 11 down as soon as I can but to be honest I'm in a bit of a writer's block...I know what I want to write...it's just getting it down that's the problem, if you know what I mean. Plus I spend far too much time playing PC games than is good for me lol.

Your work continues to amaze me, if this story sold I dont think there will be one disappointed customer. Your suspense is magnificent. Even when the story is going through a slow pace I'm still hooked. Wonderfully written. Cant wait to see what happens next.

Raven that i haven't read! Woot!!!!! Very nice introduction of the magic, very Abhorsen! Great to see that you're still going at this, got to worrying you'd stopped!
love love love riversource

So I first read the prologue many moons ago, tho I never critiqued it. But as you have done so to one of mine...I always return the favor.

BUT, since this has been up for much time, would you like me to start my critiques from the very beginnings? Or were you more concerned with later chapters?

Hey! Thanks for the offer but you don't have to crit it if you don't want to. I mostly post on here for people to read and enjoy, but if you want to crit then feel free on any part of the story you want! I understand that Vampires and Magic aren't everyone's cup of tea, and it is getting pretty long so don't force yourself if you feel you can't take anymore lol. Thanks

Didn't critique the prologue, but know that I certainly enjoyed it.

Chapter 1 critique:

Originally Posted by Akroma

“Sshhh,” Sethis cut through my ramblings.

I could be wrong, but I think that comma should be a period.

Originally Posted by Akroma

“Besides,” his smile coming back,

Came back, I beleive.

Originally Posted by Akroma

pulled on some boxers (left on the floor from the night before), some black jeans and went downstairs.

Either this is wrong or sounds wrong. But something needs to be inserted in here...possibly a comma after jeans?

Originally Posted by Akroma

“OK,” he said softly. After a pause he said, “I love you.” So many times he said...

Repetition of said.

Originally Posted by Akroma

I was five minutes away from our house when it happened: the event that changed my life forever. Our house...

Rep of house. 'away from home' will remedy this.

Originally Posted by Akroma

his intense blue eyes,

Might just be me, but this is the third time his eys have been described as 'intense', and as for me things like that get annoying after the second time within the same chapter.

Originally Posted by Akroma

his lustrous black hair, the curve of his lips…then he would smile, that infectious expression burning into my mind, the tender look in his eyes filling me with a peace that was calming.

Too much description...for me anyway. There's already been enough of this fluff to instill into the reader her love for sethis, and how he looks. Too much is too much...but it could just be me?

Originally Posted by Akroma

I witnessed the vampire stand a deadly shower

huh?

Originally Posted by Akroma

Even her black dress and cloaks were crumbling away with her until there was absolutely nothing left at all.

'Absolutely' is unnesessary. Make it go vamoose

Originally Posted by Akroma

As I stood up the floor lurched and tilted,

Lurched is one of those words that is only good in small doses. As you've used it a couple paragraphs earlier, I'd change one of them.

Originally Posted by Akroma

I fell into my cottage,

Earlier you said described it as a house near the country, then apartment, now cottage. Not that cottage and house are much different, but the apartment thing gives it a sort of identity crisis. What is it?

Originally Posted by Akroma

The black curtains fell. I passed into a dream-like haze, the darkness swirling around me, encloaking me, suffocating me.

The last half a dozen paragraphs really drag on here. All this confusion, description of confusion, more confusion, and more of the same description is...well boring. I think it would be much better shortened up.

Originally Posted by Akroma

grim and stern yet beautiful;

Comma after stern.

Originally Posted by Akroma

their eyes narrowed, their lips set in hard lines. They faded in and out as my consciousness wavered. Some looked normal. Others looked pale…too pale…the white skin too flawless…something wrong with their eyes…all their eyes…too bright…too radiant…they burned into mine as if they could see my soul.

The pain increased and they disappeared into the black abyss. Far away I could hear voices…so far away and fading fast.

More of the same as before mentioned. Maybe get faster to the point with this as well?

Originally Posted by Akroma

“She is already turning.”

“Should we kill her? It seems she is already at death’s door…”

Rep of 'already'.

There's a lot listed, but know that they are mainly nit picks. You write well, especially in your descriptions (though often times I think you tried too hard, and added one too many adjectives for my taste). Overall this was good. Like I said, maybe ease off some of the adjectives, and write less about emotions and peoples eyes

Sorry I haven't posted for so long. This is one of those chapters where you sit at your computer for three hours staring at the screen and only end up writing three sentenses. I've never tried writing a mage duel before so it proved quite problematic but hopefully you'll enjoy it anyway!

Chapter 11

The blackness was all around me, pressing in, blocking the air to my lungs. My body was chilled to my very bones and I could barely feel my limbs as I kicked at the water around me.

Swimming; forever swimming in the black ink that obscured all direction, not knowing whether I was going up or down or across this wide expanse of nothingness. My lungs began to burn and my mind screamed for that shiny barrier, the gateway to air and life and wind and trees…but there was nothing, only water ever pressing upon me, covering my mouth and nose, relentless in its lack of oxygen.

I’m never going to make it, I realised. I will die in this black lake. No one will find my body and revive me. I will just decompose, my body falling to pieces until there is nothing left to revive…

In my last attempt for life, I kicked furiously in the direction I thought must be upwards, but there was still no light. My lungs were crying out in agony but I could not give them what they sought. The last bubbles left my lips and the feeling of my body began to slowly evade me as the void crushed the life from my starved carcass.

*♥*

I awoke from the dream with my heart pounding in my chest. I was still surrounded by blackness but was reassured from the feel of satin sheets beneath me and hearing the creek of the old mansion walls. I lay still for a while, waiting for my heart to settle down. The dream was coming more frequently now, almost every night since I first experienced it a few weeks ago. I had yet to tell anyone of it.

My inner senses told me that it was not yet nightfall for a few hours but I knew I would not get back to sleep. Sighing, I sat up and stretched. Reaching within myself, I took a little of my power and threw it towards the fireplace. It roared to life with dancing flames and lit the room with an orange glow. Three months since I had begun to master the arts of sorcery I no longer had to verbally say the incantations for most spells. Smiling to myself, I got out of bed and walked to the shower. A wave of my hand and a flex of my will closed the door behind me.

Walking throughout the house, refreshed and fully awake, I found a black wolf coming down the spiral stairs and waved to it.

<You’re awake early> Keenar observed.

I shrugged. “Couldn’t sleep.”

She padded over so I could give her a good scratch behind her ears. She then lifted her head so I could scratch her chin.

“Shouldn’t you be getting Galahad to do this?” I asked, trying not to smile. This time it was her turn to shrug.

<Want a sparring match in the arena?> she asked.

“I was hoping you’d ask that,” I said, grinning.

Keenar reverted back to her Elven form and we walked together through the quiet mansion to the Dome, which was where I spent most of my time within the past few months. Sorcery had become a great part of my life and I could hardly imagine that I lived for so long without it.

Within the Dome Keenar and I stood facing each other, waiting to see who would strike first. The glowing walls of the arena distracted me a little but distractions were expected in the field.

Sudden movement! I hastily threw up a shield and I was pushed back a step as Keenar’s spell battered my defences. I launched my own counter attack, forming the spell through sheer force of will, and a coldness grew in my hands. Flinging out my palms I unleashed a volley of icicle shards that flew with deadly precision towards my opponent.

Keenar’s mouth curled into a smile and she raised her arms. Quicker than the eye could see she traced a series of complicated gestures and a stream of words left her lips. Just as my conjured shards reached her outer shield a wall of flames engulfed them and they disappeared in a great hiss of steam. A flex of her will then sent the inferno sweeping towards me in a great wave that would crash over my head and drown me in a sea of fire. There was no time to react.

I strengthened my shield and stood fast as the impact crushed me to my knees, my eyes seeing nothing but the glare of flames. I was blind to my opponent and the sorcery was unrelenting. The power buffering my shield was colossal and, as my shield began to waver, a stab of fear struck my heart. Frantically I poured more magic into my defences but I knew I could not shield forever and sooner or later I would break. I had to do something and fast.

Closing my eyes I concentrated on holding my shield while at the same time new words formed in my head and flowed from my tongue. Frantically I gestured with trembling fingers, knowing that one wrong move would be enough to disperse my efforts. With a gasp of triumph I felt the spell complete and at once the flames surrounding me were gone. I stood and a smile came to my lips as I saw Keenar battling with another vampire. In fact, she was an exact copy of myself that had appeared behind my opponent and distracted her, forcing her to relinquish her spell upon me. Keenar’s strikes were having no effect upon the conjured illusion.

I exerted my will upon the weapons rack on the wall and pulled two swords from their sheaths. Using my mind I sent the swords slashing and dancing towards Keenar. Just before they swung into her shield, I gave the sorcery controlling my clone a little flavour and watched my illusion give a knowing laugh at my opponent before twirling on the spot and disintegrating into dust. Keenar’s eyes widened as she realised she was being fooled and turned to face me, but she was too late. The swords struck her shield and it almost broke before Keenar pulled herself together and poured more magic into her defences. Before she could react further I clasped my hands together and concentrated my sorcery between my palms, slowly pulling my hands apart as I spun a web of pure electrical energy between them. When I could hold the blinding, crackling power no more, I threw it at my opponent. It struck Keenar’s shield with explosive force and she reeled back from the blow. I hit her again and again, relentless in my attack, her shield weakening almost to the point of breaking.

Just when I thought I had her, an ear-piercing screaming filled my head. My concentration shattered and my spells dispersed, the enchanted swords clattering to the floor. Keenar was smiling; her spell’s pitch ever going higher in my mind until I thought my head would explode. I could not think, could not act. I screamed and fell to my knees as the assault on my mind grew louder. My shield was flickering on and off erratically.

Through the pain in my head I saw Keenar prepare for the final strike – a power strike that would win her the duel.

Summoning the rest of my strength and using all my will and concentration left to me, slowly and miraculously my own power strike began to grow in my hand, defying Keenar’s spell. Keenar saw my resistance and acted immediately, throwing her sorcery at me. At the same time I released mine and the two collided in an explosion of green light and we were thrown to opposite sides of the room. The screaming in my head ceased and I wasted no time in conjuring a second power strike, the green orb leaving my palms in a torrent of energy that struck Keenar before she could react. The orb shattered around her and radiated out in waves that became absorbed by the walls of the dome. Another was still forming in my hands when I saw an arm shoot out from the smoke and a red orb blossomed in the air. I immediately dispersed the spell – Keenar had admitted defeat.

I stumbled to where Keenar sat on the floor and collapsed beside her, both of us breathing hard and utterly exhausted. All my strength was drained and my system was flooded with adrenaline. Keenar gave me a sidelong glance and laughed, shaking her head, too weak to say anything. I smiled and concentrated on getting my own breath back.

The door of the dome opened and Jarleth and Crow appeared, Jarleth holding his head in his hands.

“That was some duel!” said Crow, giving me the thumbs up.

“But ease up on the power strikes, Raven,” Jarleth said, rubbing his temples. “I almost couldn’t hold Keenar’s safety shield at that last strike.”

I nodded. “Thanks for being our inner-shields, guys. Lexan doesn’t let anyone train anymore without having one. It’s a good thing you were around or else we would have had to settle for a game of cards.”

The two brothers laughed and helped us to our feet.

“Well it’s a rare thing that Crow gets up early,” said Jarleth. “The Vampire usually sleeps in until midnight and wastes half the darkness! If you ask me he needs to get his lazy ass out of bed this early more often.”

“Well excuse me but the Werewolf keeps going to sleep at four in the morning so he can wander around in the daylight with half-dead humans,” Crow retorted.

“Hey! Some of us actually like to make a living rather than fighting all the time with beasties from Hell,” said Jarleth, trying to keep a straight face. “I just happen to be good with people. The Sanctuary makes good money for this place and working with the blood drive during the day keeps our emergency stocks up. Eh? Doesn’t it? Doesn’t it, Manager of the Freezer?”

Crow laughed and pushed his brother away. “Alright alright, I suppose you’re not a total loss.” I ducked as Jarleth swung a blow at Crow.

“Hey!” interjected Keenar, her mouth twitching. “Act like men, not boys! You’re two-hundred and twenty-seven for crying out loud!”

“He might be,” said Crow. “I’m only two-hundred and nineteen!”

I rolled my eyes. “Come,” I said to Keenar. “Let us leave these two siblings to battle it out.” I offered my arm and she took it, lifting her nose to the two brothers.

“Excuse us,” she said snootily. I snorted loudly trying not to laugh as she pulled me down the corridor.

“You’re welcome!” Jarleth called after us.

holy crap tht was ace and u said u had problems i am still addicted!!!!

keep it up! By the way you might want to mention inner sheilds being there earlier in passage.

might want to mention inner sheilds being there earlier in passage

Yeah I thought about that but couldn't think of a way to get it across. I thought there was more suspense this way, making the reader think that they were unprotected and so there was more risk...God forbid Keenar or Raven die in a duel! lol But yeah you're probably right

Call Keenar sheild her " outer sheild" so that it is more clear. You don't have to go into detail until, you want to and the passage is more understand then way it sounds now.( basically like keenar and Raven are trying to kill each other for fun)

lol

Wow, that dream was creepy. I wonder if it was foreshadowing something... ?

By the way, I think not mentioning the outer shields until leter isn't a bad a idea, otherwise the fight isn't as exciting becuse readers know there's no chance they'll get hurt. But it's up to you. It was a good fight, too. Good balance between who had the upper hand at different times, etc.