cat_smh

I decided to take the leap and post something I wrote while I was meant to be revising . I'm not too sure what genre it would be in, but there is a wee bit of violence towards the end - not much, but a bit. Its set in Egypt during the 1940/1950's.
Any thoughts or comments (or hurled rotten fruits) are, of course, greatly appreciated. I hope you enjoy reading.


The Time of the Ancients
Part 1

‘It has to be here,’ Will mumbled to himself, wiping the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand. He gazed out into the shimmering desert, scanning the horizon. A shout from behind caught his attention as he reluctantly tore his eyes from the open expanse that lay before him.

‘Well that’s it,’ huffed a short, slim man, arriving at the top of the small sand dune, running a hand through his wiry black hair.

‘What’s it?’ Will asked, finally focussing his attention on the man standing at his side.

‘The last of our diggers just demanded their money and left.’

‘They’re all gone?’ Will exclaimed in disbelief. ‘Jo, we can’t excavate without diggers!’

‘And we can’t excavate with no remains, Will,’ Jo replied wryly.

‘Its here! I know it is! I can almost feel it.’ Will rammed both of his hands through his thick chestnut hair in frustration. ‘I’m sure we’re close, very close-‘

‘Will, you’ve been saying that for two weeks. It’s not that I don’t believe you, I do. You’ve never been wrong before. But we can’t keep going like this, especially now. Maybe we should go home and get more funding, then try again next year.’

‘This site won’t be here in a year and you know it.’ Will turned and stomped down the dune, sand scattering wildly around his feet. Jo watched his friend walk away, frowning in consternation.


The fire crackled merrily in front of Will, setting wild shadows dancing and flickering around the small hollow he sat in. The solitary tent loomed behind him, its canvas flapping gently in the slight breeze, the sound of soft snoring from within reaching his ears. He stared moodily at the flames, cursing the cheerfulness of their dance. Shivering slightly, he pulled his coat tighter, rising and walking away from the taunting glow. He slowly climbed the dune behind the camp and sat at the top. The desert unfolded before him, dark and uncompromising, lit only by the light of the moon and the countless stars that stretched across a seemingly never-ending sky. Reaching into his pocket he took out a small fragment of stone, not needing light to see the hieroglyphs carved into the surface. Closing his eyes as he rubbed his thumb over the carving, he pictured the words in his mind.

‘Southern Shining Star of Niankhnum, son of Rahotep, keeper of the gifts of the pharaohs’

Will sighed a gripped the fragment tightly. Egypt was his home; he didn’t want to return to England to beg for more funding from men who wouldn’t recognise an artefact if it leapt up and bit them, he thought in disgust. All they care about is profit and prestige, both of which I am not bringing them. It always angered him to think of the people who only saw the wonders of the ancient world as a means to gain money. He heaved another sigh and leaned back, savouring the peaceful sounds of the insects and night birds. Closing his eyes, he drifted into a doze.


A sudden scream brought Will to his feet, heart thundering in his ears. He crouched down as he scanned his surroundings, frantically searching for the source. Another muffled shriek directed his gaze to the camp behind him. Gasping in trepidation, he threw himself down the dune towards the camp. The fire had been kicked around, giving the impression of lots of fairy lights scattered on the sand, a clinical part of Will’s mind noted as he reached the bottom, stumbling in his haste. He could hear voices from around the tent; voices that didn’t sound like Jo or Ahmed, their guide, the only people left in the camp. He carefully approached the tent flap then threw himself to the floor as a bullet whipped past his ear.

‘That will be close enough I think,’ a voice called from behind the tent. Three men strode forward, rifle butts aimed at Will, who slowly got to his feet and raised his hands.

‘Who are you?’ he asked, desperately looking for any sign of Jo. A fourth man emerged behind the others, unarmed and swaggering. He gestured behind him, and two more men came forward, dragging something in between them. Will groaned in horror as he saw that they held Jo, his face bruised and bloodied, eyes wide in terror.

‘Jo,’ Will whispered. His friend looked at him mutely, blood trickling down his chin.

‘We have taken your friend to make sure you co-operate,’ the leader said. ‘We want you to find something for us. If you don’t, your friend will die, as will you. Do you understand?’

Will gazed around in shock. It was like something out of a nightmare. He could barely believe that it was happening, that he wasn’t still asleep on the dune. The small peaceful camp was no longer their haven from the cold of the desert night, but a violated place of dread. He nodded at the man. ‘I understand.’

‘Good,’ the man smiled, revealing stained, crooked teeth. ‘You will show us where there is ancient treasure.’

Will blinked, not quite sure he’d heard correctly. ‘You want ancient treasure?’

‘Yes, the treasure of the kings, to sell to greedy men for much money.’ The leader’s smiled faded, leaving a savage mask behind. ‘You not co-operate?’

‘But… I don’t know where any artifacts, uh, treasure, is,’ he said. He was thinking furiously, trying to figure out a way to escape from the situation. The men holding Jo tightened their grip and he moaned, closing his eyes in pain.

‘Now you lie to me? This will not be tolerated!’ The man turned to his comrades, spitting out words in Arabic. They swivelled their rifles to point at Jo and prepared to fire.

‘Wait! Don’t shoot!’ Will shouted, starting forwards. The guns immediately switched back to him and he skidded to a halt. ‘I’ll help you find the treasure, just don’t shoot him!’ Will met his friend’s eyes as Jo stared at him in despair. They had no idea where any ‘treasure’ was.

Danny77

I'd delete the first "him", and add "that lay" after expanse.

I'd somehow break this sentence into two, or delete the "and" and replace it with a comma.

Nothing major, but maybe change it to "standing to his side" just to mix it up a bit.

Is there supposed to be an "or" between dig and excavate?

Get rid of the "so", it sounds weird.

Repetition of will.

putting "will thought toi himself" at the end doesnt flow well. I'd put it after the first sentence or so, then continue on with the thought. Flows more smoothly that way.

"your" friend.

Repetition of Jo.



Overall I liked it! The story really didn't captivate me, but then again I'm more of a fantasy guy. Anyhoo, you write well enough and pretty smoothly (only a few rough patches), and your descriptions are very good. Nice job.

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The Salad Bar Game

cat_smh

Thanks for the critique Danny ! It was really helpful. I made most (possibly all) of the changes you suggested. I usually stick to writing fantasy myself, so this was a bit of a journey into the unknown , but it was fun to do, which is the main thing. I'm glad you enjoyed (kinda!), and thanks again for reading even though its not your thing.

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'Noli nothis permittere te terere'

Time of the Ancients - Part 1

high_flyer

I liked it, it is well written and the tempo is appropriately fast for an opening section. You gave us hints (not wanting to sell to profiteering men back home) that illuminate his character - that he is dedicated to his work, enjoys and respects the land and what it hides and his bond with Jo. This is key to being involved in the plot, having an emtional investment in one character or another.

It had the feel of a mix between the English Patient and the Mummy, romantic scenery with a tense plot. Nice length and no mistakes other than the ones danny pointed out.

I will look out for Part 2, and definitely read and comment if I see it.

cat_smh

Thank you! I wasn't sure whether anyone would find it all that interesting, but I'm really glad you did . I have a quiet passion for Egypt and wanted to try and convey why its so interesting over the parts of this, which I think will only be a short story/novelle type thing. I just have to hope that my lecturers never read it, cos they'd kill me!
Thank you for reading!
Btw, when are you posting the next bit of Greater Good?

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'Noli nothis permittere te terere'

Time of the Ancients - Part 1

high_flyer

Your welcome, I'll post another part of Greater Good tomorrow probably, but I hope to see another part of this first. Thanks for helping me out with GG too, BTW, it really helped. Good luck with your next bit, I secretly hope the crooked teeth guy gets what he wants, it's so rare bad guys win...

Kira the wanderer

"Artefact" should be "Artifact."

"Lay" is in the wrong tense. Perhaps "leaned" is a better choice?

It seems interesting, really nice descriptions here. The words runs moothly, making this an easy read. The only parts I had a problem with are where you repeat yourself and don't "show" enough. You use "will did this" and "Will did that" too much. Show a bit more, as though it were happening right then and there. It will make it more interesting and gives room for more details.

The Arab guys need a speech more solid. It changes from good English to shaky English, make it one or the other. But that's all. I'll peek in and out with this one, I like your main charcater.

cat_smh

Thanks for your comments Kira . You know, I thought that about artifact too, but my computer keeps changing it back to an 'e' whenever I'm in MS Word, damn thing!
I'm always a bit wary of how much I "show". I used to do it far too much and then get my tenses mixed up, but if more is needed then more will be given .
Thank you!

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'Noli nothis permittere te terere'

Time of the Ancients - Part 1

Cold Twilight

Yay! I really like this! Sorry it took me so long to get to it. I didn't exactly have internet over the summer. Hope this helps out! [And yes, I know I promised to post another piece on Sword and Shadow...that will come soon if you would still like to read it. ]

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Poetry: Armageddon, Haunt Fox, Debonair Stranger, Riddle In Red, I Walk In Shadow

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