KyleColorado

Hello fellow writers. I'm new here. I'm writing a fiction novel called "Notes". I'm posting the prologue here. In all honesty (brutal, please) what do you think? Would you like to read more? I appreciate any feedback


In grade school you learn about the light spectrum and commas, the world wars and how, from your teacher's point of view, doodling looks just like taking notes. Somewhere along the line you learn about the "Darwin Fish". How it flopped out of the early ocean and sprouted legs. How it waddled itself into a monkey, which grew into a caveman, who eventually became a naked, strutting, glorious human being. Something like that.

They even give you a term to remember the journey of the fish. Evolution. The process of biological change. But for some reason this concept stops at the edge of science, at the line in the sand where lab tests can't follow, where further exploration would be treading in philosophical waters. Where every thought you have is a Darwin Fish. Where a single act can evolve into something larger than you can imagine.

The problem with the change is it‘s so gradual. That’s what makes it dangerous. So slow, and creeping. A monster of stealth. You can’t notice it enough to track it, measure it, or record it. It can’t be scienced. It’s a change that can only be seen by looking at the end result. The way Alden Jacob Sprant, staring at his wristwatch, can almost see the minute hand snailing around. Almost.

If it were up to him he’d be rich, he tells you, stamping your parking ticket, a freshly printed one, but still the same ticket he’s stamped a thousand times before. Rich, so he wouldn’t have to sit in this piece of shit booth anymore. He smirks and shakes his head. It’s not about the money, he says, eyeing his watch. It’s the boredom. You clear your throat and "Jake" --you notice his nametag-- answers you with, "Right. One fifty." You hand him two dollars and tell him to keep the change, and he tilts the brim of an invisible hat down over his forehead. He jabs his register with a flamboyant sweep of his arm and the wood plank in front of you tilts up and out of sight. You tell him goodnight, or maybe you don’t, and drive away in your silver Lexus, your blue Ford, your white Toyota, your red Corvette, your whatever whatever. Off to your spouse, your affair, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your kids or your t.v., your pets or your computer. The point is, wherever you go, in whatever car you‘re driving, Jake is still sitting there in that piece of shit booth, thinking rich and feeling bored.

Fours hours later Jake sits in a different kind of booth, watching his reflection in the window next to him. Behind that, zipping past in a shadowy blur is the same tile wall he's seen a thousand times before.

There are no soundtracks to life, like it is in the movies. No sappy love song plays when you flirt with a new face, no trumpets blare in celebration when you turn in your taxes. But if, for this one moment, life was like the movies, the camera would zoom in on Jake’s furrowed brows and squinting eyes. Lingering just a little, the shot would follow his gaze until it’s reached the "Fuck you" scratched in the plastic back of the seat in front of him. If, for this one moment, God had gone Hollywood, somewhere a symphony would begin playing a dark, haunting song. And while the camera reads that vulgar message, flickering in the harsh florescent lights, the sounds of the subway car would be swallowed by ominous music, and the audience would know that something bad is happening.

The Darwin Fish of Alden Jacob Sprant is born.

gary_wagner

Since you're new here, Ill be the first to tell you what people have had to remind me of on this forum. When you cut and paste into the text box here, you usually lose your paragraphs. The whole thing runs together and it makes it hard for people to read. If you will click the edit button and fix the paragraphs on your post, people will be more likely to read it.

Another note for you is that when you start reviewing and commenting on other people's posts, they will look for yours and return the favor.

--- Did you fix the paragraphs while I was typing this or was I hallucinating from an overdose of internet surfing? ---

__________________
Founding member of alliterationaholics anonymous.
Should you be a member too?

gary_wagner

This was fresh and an easy, quick read. I liked it and look forward to reading more.

I had a little trouble with the 4th paragraph. You indicate that Jake is talking but it's not clear if he is actually saying it or if the narrator is paraphrasing. That combined with the third person perspecitve threw me a little.

The fifth paragraph made a good transition between the parking valet booth and the subway car, but I think it might help if you fill the reader in a little sooner what that "booth" you refer to the second time is. We find out a few lines later, but I'm impatient and wanted to know right away.

__________________
Founding member of alliterationaholics anonymous.
Should you be a member too?

TheReMonstor

Welcome to the boards dude. First, I really really enjoyed the 4th and 6th paragraphs. The thing is, they're very different from each other. The 1st through 4th has the "you" theme going on, but it changes in the 4th to a specific point in time. It's easier to understand when you're trying to have the reader relate to what we learned in school, but then it jumps to this particular place in time w/ this "Jake" character. And it's kind of sudden. I dunno what else to say about it.

But the part relating to Jake and cinema is extremely well executed. I will say that it is a bit cliche, but it's done so well enough to overlook. I think what's good about it is how you expand on it through the paragraph. The whole "life isn't like the movies" isn't original, but how you start to talk about the specific camera angles on Jake, that's very effective.

I don't really understand the speak of all this Darwinism, but it is only the prologue. Good job so far. I'll think more about the 1st-4th paragraphs and get back to you, b/c there's something that needs to be done, but I'm not sure what yet.

__________________

Archduke Robert of France

Ouch, someone said they would "Grimace and set the store on fire". I liked your little story/essay thing though.

__________________
Toute me grêle, l'Archiduc de France !

World's BEST Avatars
WF's offical Francophile / Europhile

TheReMonstor

Well, that's not condescending at all...

__________________

cacafire

Hey, Kyle. Thanks for critiquing Ero. It is greatly apreciated. :*

It's very intriguing, I'll say that. I didn't like the beginning, but that's not your fault, simply because I like beginnings that jump right into the story. Still, if you're going to comment on some concept like the "darwin fish", then it would be good to subtly hint at how this relates to the story. I say this because, well, I didn't see any hint.

I would keep reading, because I still don't know where this is headed, but so far it's an excellent read. keep it up!

lol, that was my favorite line.
-Cacafire

__________________
Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew

voicesinmyhead

I really liked this story, especially the way that you played with different points of view. I also liked the way that you were able to use narrative elements to get where you wanted without being blatant about it, especially in the last big paragraph where you sort of make fun of the tactics you're using, while very subtly getting away with using them anyway. Nice. The lead-in felt a bit slow at times, but I think that the end tied together all of the points that you managed to hit while transitioning through the narrative. Only grammatical point:
like there are in the movies, I think.

Anyway, awesome job. Got me genuinely interested in what's going to happen in the rest of the book.

__________________
My stories:
A Happy Story,Telling His Story,The Beaurocrat

My poems:
Satan,Orientation, For you, Sonnet to War, The Mikvah

PAGEMASTER

Let me start of by saying, superb work. Normally I jump straight into an exciting part of my story, but that doesn't mean that I prefer a thrilling beginning to a slow-paced one. You begin by feeding the reader knowledge. Paragraph four, like the others I got a little confused with the choice of words; the rest of the piece though is great. I especially liked the coloured vehicles part. A great prologue, well done. I urge you to continue my friend

__________________
_____________________________

Working Projects:

Preludes to Denouement
Domain
Depiction of Peril
Descendent of Darkness
Masquerades of Sanity
_____________________________

Ionaecius

Good work, it caught my attention early, and I definitely want to see what becomes of Alden in future installments.

I think the rest of the posts have dealt with any technical problems that I saw in this piece (I didn't see many).

__________________
Operae Meae
The Last Stand of Aesicus (SF ~6000 words)
Homecoming pt. 1 2