Sword and Shadow Part 12 - Writers Forum

Cold Twilight · 04-25-2006, 03:16 PM

He gently searched through the memories he found, trying to find out more about the Rider, and sensed shielding around the memories he could not touch. He tested the block and found an impenetrable wall. Hmm, I'll let this be for now. There sure is a lot of strength in that block for all of her mind's present vulnerability. She's got a lot of power here; Matt Brennan wasn't exaggerating when he warned me about it. Tracked her ever since his message arrived, hard following her, took a long time too. Days and days of searching for a cold trail...
He sighed, patting Golden Wind's neck absently. She didn't have to give up her freedom, but she knew it was what I wanted most. Well, now I have to reach HQ with her, and I have no intention of putting her in a town jail for any amount of time...would be way too dangerous... Ah...here's the campsite...

He steadily slowed the horses down and crossed a small creek that meandered around the group of trees he had chosen earlier, stopping in the middle of a small clearing. He dismounted, carefully keeping his back toward the Rider, then sensed her suddenly alert gaze resting on him and knew she had just awakened.

"Dismount and wait, please," he said softly, firmly.

He heard her slid down. "I gave my word..." she reminded him faintly, half pleading.

"Yes, you did. Wait." Hard...have to be hard. She can't or won't disobey a direct order...but she is simply asking that I do not abuse my power over her. Ah, I don't wish to hurt her more. Have to follow orders though. I can delay...? Yes. Happy thought. Delay...

He led Golden Wind and Twilight to water, then picketed them on the lush grass. He paused, watching the two stallions for a short time, then shook himself and sighed quietly, turning back to where the Rider waited. She still stood where she had dismounted, head bowed slightly. He moved toward her and her head came up sharply, her eyes holding some of the wildness of a deer ready to bolt.
He walked around behind her, holding up one hand to let her know to stand still. He could sense her tenseness as soon as he went out of her peripheral vision, heard her breath come faster, and sighed again, silently. She's afraid...? Afraid. Hai, I never had such trouble obeying orders before...

He gripped her left wrist firmly, unlocked the manacles and chain, then walked around in front of her to re-chain only her wrists, leaving slack for freer movement. As he came back into sight, he felt her tension loosen and caught himself before he shook his head in sorrow. His gaze captured her eyes...

"There are lots of tree boughs around here you can get to make a bed. If you need help, let me know. Just wait a moment longer while I take care of the horses."

He turned and walked to Golden Wind, unsaddled him, then took his blanket roll and spread it out. He straightened, and glanced toward her, then tentatively placed a light mind-touch on her, one that she could detect and resist if she so wished. He sighed with relief as she hesitantly accepted the mind-touch, although he could sense that she had blanked all but her location from her mind. He removed three of his heaviest blankets from his roll and wiated for her to return, having already found an area with enough branches and leaves scattered about that night movements would be clearly broadcast.

She felt him extend a probe, hesitated, then resignedly accepted the accepted the mind-touch and left to gather tree boughs. Upon having collected a sufficient amount to make a comfortable bed, she returned to the clearing and waited silently, certain that he would have a specific place picked out for her to place the bed.

He turned as he sensed her waiting at the edge of the clearing and sliently pointed to the sleeping area he had picked out, watching as she made the bed. He sighed again, strengthening the mind-touch before moving over and handing her the blankets.

"Get some sleep," he told her quietly.

She nodded and spreading one blanket atop the branches and wrapping up in the others, lay down with her back to him and her face to the approaching night. She rolled her cloak into a pillow and tucked in the edges of the blankets with as careful a use of telekinesis as she could manage although she could sense that he had detected it anyway.

"I haven't given you control of your mind yet," he observed quietly.

"No, you haven't," she replied steadily, sitting up and half-turning to face him.

"Your mind is strong then...?"

"It has always been so." She added very softly, "I have given you my word, and I will keep it."

"Yes...you did. And yes, you will."

She shivered slightly, but did not reply, her eyes wide and dark. I shouldn't have reminded him. I can still do nothing to protect myself. She went rigid as he began to walk toward her, fighting the urge to leap to her feet and back away.

cat_smh · 05-24-2006, 05:40 AM

You can't leave it there! I need more! More I say!
I didn't really find any grammatical errors, but, to be perfectly honest I wasn't really paying attention cos I started from the beginning and went all the way through

. The only thing I did notice was that (I'm not sure if its just this one or the others as well) you do this a lot:

Quote:

"Dismount and wait, please." he said softly, firmly.

You need to have a comma instead of a full stop, or if you want to seperate the second half completely, then you need full stop and capital letter.
Other than that it was great. Keep going!

Cold Twilight · 05-24-2006, 05:41 PM

Ok, Ok! I won't stop here then...lol. I'll post another...

Thanks for the punctuation correction. Was never sure on that completely.

I'll get back to your "Time of the Ancients" ASAP...

Sen Yama · 07-10-2008, 01:11 AM

I like it very much, in fact, I think that it's the best thing that I've read on this site. I still think that your first two chapters don't really have the same voice as the rest of the story.