buried

My favorite resting spot while on duty is a shaded parking lot behind the
North Carolina Museum of Art. On Sundays, it is secluded-because people have grown away from culture, or anything that provokes conscious thought-enough that I don't get the normal procession of lost tourists, asking me directions, of which I most get offended if I've never heard of the location they've tasked me to find, as if I could possibly remember every business in Raleigh. The lot faces the east wall, which is angled at almost fifty degrees and constructed almost entirely of smoked glass. From my vantage, the reflected light resembles a giant rainbow serpent, stretching from one towering wall to another.

I was backed under a huge maple, it's branches forming
a shadow octopus that engulfed the entire lot. My condition steadlily
worsened, my chest so hot I couldn't bear to wear a protective vest.
The opaque color of the cross had taken on the consistency of pourous stone. Earlier, I'd spent time at the Howard Johnson hotel, searching unsuccessfully for the old man, desperate for any glimmer of information about the cross. But he was now a mere spectre in my memory, and even the gruff, unshaven, hotel manager had no recollection of him. With an unlit, saliva-coated cigar dangling precariously from the corner of his mouth, he told me he hadn't rented room number sixty six in over three weeks.

"But I saw the man go in," I informed him.

"Then you should've arrested him for trespassing, cause I ain't rented that
room." He furrowed his brown and smirked, as if I were an idiot.


My train of thought was interrupted by a low, humming sound, like a train
far off in the distance. But there were no trains anywhere near the
museum. And like the vibrations one feels when standing on the smooth metal as a locomotive approaches, I felt the same in the cross. It began slowly, a subtle rumbling, and steadily rose to an almost unbearable rythm. In conjunction, I heard a fluttering, like the wings of a bat passing too
close to my head.

I stepped out of the patrol car. The wind had picked up, so I closed the
door to avoid creating a swirl of operational reports inside the car. A cloud
passed over the sun, casting a shodow over the lot. I was completely alone
in the lot. I wanted company in this sudden tempest, someone to assuage
my fears that it was merely a figment of my imagination. Not even the museum landscaping staff, who I normally see milling about the neatly scaped flower beds, were out.
Part 1:
http://www.writingforums.com/showthread.php?t=57807
Part 2:
http://www.writingforums.com/showthread.php?t=58460

gary_wagner

You have some good imagery going ("a giant rainbow serpent", "a shadow octopus", "the wings of a bat passing too close to my head").

I got a little lost before I realized that this is not an opening chapter or necessarily the beginning of a chapter. Because of that, I had no idea what you were talking about when you referred to, "the cross".

I'm only going to make a few starting comments because I don't know how deep you want people to dig into this.
This is really passive. You might want to add something like, "I was parked at" in front of this statement and replace the "is" with a comma so you don't lapse into present tense.
It was really easy to get lost in this sentence. Instead of "On Sundays, it is secluded" think about something like, "It was secluded on Sundays". Starting with, "of which I most get offended" it took a couple of times through before I understood what you were trying to say.
You use almost twice in this sentence.

I have more if you want more. I'll stop if you don't.

__________________
Founding member of alliterationaholics anonymous.
Should you be a member too?

buried

The more the merrier.

gary_wagner

"protective vest" Is that "cop-speak"? Even though it might not be accurate, I think more people would be familiar with "bullet-proof vest" or even "kevlar vest".
Was there something in the previous chapter that would make us understand that his chest was hot? If not, then I would guess that more than just his chest was hot.
"had taken on" is pretty passive. Something more direct like, "transformed into" might add more weight.
When you say you did something, it's already implied that you did it earlier. I think instead of, "Earlier, I'd" could be changed to "I".
I like this line but normally a cigar couldn't dangle from someone's mouth, unless it was a cigarette sized one or a little cheeroot. Cigar brings to my mind an image of a big churchill sized cigar.
You might want to let him say that for himself. he told me, "I ain't rented room number sixty six in over three weeks"

Quote:

He furrowed his brown

brow
Danger, Will Robinson! Word repetition.
shadow
I've never heard anyone shorten landscaped to scaped before. Maybe it's a regional thing.

__________________
Founding member of alliterationaholics anonymous.
Should you be a member too?