Imriel's Dawn ch 1 (part 3) - Writers Forum

Danny77 · 04-21-2006, 06:18 PM

If you havent read any of the previous parts, check my sig for links. Any and all critiques are appreciated!

The Tale of Evance and Sunder
Imriel's Dawn
Chapter 1, part 3

Crack! A nearby twig snapped. Sunder spun on his heels. He stood there for a bit, poised like a lion stalking a deer, until he finally began to move forward, carefully wading his way through the cat-tails. As he leapt onto a stump, he spotted a pile of brush and vegetation exactly where the noise had issued from. He hopped down and slowly approached the pile. As Sunder came within several paces, he noticed some oddly placed branches strewn about haphazardly. When he stooped down to examine them, all of a sudden a shape burst forth from the pile of sticks.

“AHH!!” shouted Evance, his hands and facial features exemplifying his shocking intent. Sunder’s green eyes lit up like a full moon as he fell back on a heap of grass. After regaining his composure, he shot his brother an angry glare, but Evance just laughed and pointed a mocking finger at his misfortunate brother.

“Why would you do that?” retorted Sunder, picking himself off the ground. He brushed the dirt from his pant leg. “You know I hate this place.”

“Just to see the look on your face,” smiled Evance. “Besides, I kind of like the meadow.” He jumped onto the stump and examined the area. His nostrils flared as he sniffed the air. A whiff of musty damp oxygen with a taste of earthly growth entered his throat. Skipping down from his perch, Evance let out a large exhale, landing with a profound sense of superiority.

He strode back to where he had been hiding, selecting a stick from the make-shift pile. It was smooth, life-less, and grey. Evance studied it with keen dark eyes as he waved it around. The resonating whoosh as it split through the wind filled the area as his arm motions became faster and more synchronized. The dark haired Sudaikin carried this harmonic dance over to a patch of weeds and started hacking away.

“What are you doing?” asked Sunder, glancing nervously over his shoulder.

“I’m marking this as my spot,” replied Evance matter-of-factly. “So the next time I come back, I’ll know where I was.”

“Oh,” muttered Sunder, starting to become impatient. He had been in the meadow long enough and was ready to go home. He sat down on a nearby log, waiting patiently for his brother to finish his project.

Like lazy clouds on a warm summer day, Sunder's thoughts began to drift in no particular direction. Weeds took flight to Evance's slashes as Sunder remembered a time when it was more than just cat-tails at the end of his brother's weapon. The boys from the south were proud and devious, and had claimed all the lands up to Plain's Creek as their own. But the The Plain's weren't theirs to take, and the rebellion, lead by Sejieo himself, came smashing headfirst against the southrons. Sunder could still see the wooden blades whirling, grunts of pain and shouts of surrender as the battle raged. And there he stood, the leader of their pack, bigger than any Sudaikin Sunder had ever seen. He took three long strides forward, the ground shaking before him, calling Sunder out, readying his wooden greatsword...

“You in some sort of trance or what?” asked Evance, waving his stick in front of his brother’s face.

“Oh, uh…no,” replied Sunder. “I think this place is playing tricks on my mind.”

“Well, it’s starting to get dark,” stated Evance, gazing at the horizon. “Let’s scoot.”

They followed their previous trail back to where the meadow thinned out, until they came to the two crossing trees, casting forth a long shadow that inched its way up towards the top of the hill.

The heat was starting to die down as they made their way across the barren ground. Sunder glanced back towards the meadow. The setting sun was trickling into the horizon, and the moons were starting to appear in the sky.

“Look,” said Sunder. “The moons, they're almost in a perfect line.”

Circling Versia in no particular pattern were three moons, each one a bit larger than the other. Every 25 years the moons would meet, forming The Sacred Triad, a special occasion celebrated by all Sudaikin since the beginning of time--at least that’s what Sunder was told. Because of the size, when the moons came together, the second and third moon’s outer rims were just visible, while the first would blaze a brilliant silver in the night sky.

Glisterence it was named, meaning ‘close to us’, being the nearest and also the smallest moon. A blueish magenta formed its base color, while deep ravines of black swirled about its inner crevices.

Ranking between the other two moons in distance and size was Sasteen. Its smooth tanish-green surface was almost hypnotic, with only the smallest of craters visible to the keenest of eyes. Sunder often found himself staring helplessly when the moon was in its full waxing, mesmerized by its beauty.

The largest moon, and also the furthest away, was Damrio. A mixture of deep reds, shallow crimsons, and spots of scarlet made up the red moon. Ever had Sunder been fascinated by the moons, always finding time to admire nature's beauty.

“Woo,” mocked Evance sarcastically. “The moons are always in a straight line, or a triangle, or this shape or that.” Evance rolled his eyes and proceeded back down the hill.

Sunder’s gaze wandered back to the ground as he caught up to his brother. He could feel the grass brushing against his legs as he plodded along. The top of their house became visible as they climbed the hill, slowly revealing itself to them with each step.

They lived in an old wooden house on the edge of their village. It was two stories, and had a wooden porch with a roof to cover it. Three small steps lead up to the porch, where sat an old wooden swing that needed repair. The porch looked out on a barren front yard, where began a dirt road that lead past some similarly styled houses and into town.

As they approached they could see their mother running out of the house, her garmets kicking at her heels.

“Where have you two been!?” she scolded as much with her eyes as her mouth. “I’ve been worried to the grave!” Avrelia was young, with wavy brown hair hanging down past her shoulders, accenting her equally brown eyes. But it was her eyes that did her in. Those deep swirling orbs flickered with life, contrasting the wrinkles that crept out from the corners.

“Oh jeez mother,” replied Evance with a slight cock of his head. “We were just out on The Plains.”

“Well you know these lands aren’t what they used to be,” she said as her voice lowered. “There’s rumor of terrible things happening to the north, and I don’t want you two out after dark!”

“Oh, the great and mysterious evil to the north,” mocked Evance with a playful smile. Avrelia’s scolding eyes followed her son as he walked up the porch and into the house. Sunder shrugged and followed his wily brother inside.

Evance entered the den and plopped himself onto a chair. Marching straight up the stairs, Sunder paid little heed to the relaxed Sudaikin. The wooden steps creaked as each light foot grazed over them. His hand slid along the old, cracked, and oddly shaped wooden railing, its warped figure twisting along as he neared the top.

The railing was made out of a different wood than the steps. It was dark, almost grayish/green in color, and cold. All other wood in the house was a light yellow-orange, and when the sun hit it just right, seemed to warm and glow.

Sunder reached the top of the stairs and paced into his plainly small room. On the far side was a single window, which hovered eerily over his bed. Next to it sat a small night stand and lamp. Opposite the lamp sat a cabinet filled with clothes and various other possessions. In the middle of the room lay a large circular rug, which his mother had made for him when he was little.

The tired Sudaikin laid down on his bed and stretched out his legs. He had been out all day, and the sun had taken its toll. He rolled onto his side and gazed out the window. It was dark now, and all he could make out was the uppermost point on the hill, running past his back yard. Glisterence was hovering low upon the far horizon, shedding its beauty onto the land. The tall grass upon the hill waved and glowed with a bluish/purple tint in the dim glow of the moon. Sunder closed his eyes as a wave of sleep engulfed him.

Not much later, Avrelia entered and stood under the doorway, staring at her precious son. His body too glowed of a deep magenta from that moon. The color rolled down his face until it faded and was lost in the shadows. A loving smile on her smooth skin as she remembered all that they had been through.

"So young and innocent," she whispered to herself, "No matter what happens, you'll always be my Sun."

Wood creaked ever so slightly as she walked over to Sunder, slowly pulling the blanket over his body. His chest rose and sank with every breath. She put her hand on his heart and kissed him on the forehead. After hovering over him for what seemed not near long enough, she stood up and quietly exited the room.

Kira the wanderer · 05-02-2006, 10:26 AM

Quote:

Its smooth tanish/green surface was almost hypnotic, with only the smallest of craters visible to the keenest of eyes.

I've never seen someone do this before. Using a slash I mean. I am pretty sure a dash is required instead. Using a slash strikes me as odd. You do the same several lines down, of which I have quoted below. I have eveything in order, so its the second to last.

Quote:

Evance entered the den and plopped himself onto a chair. Marching straight up the stiars, Sunder paid little heed to the relaxed Sudaikin.

Should be "stairs" not "stiars".

Quote:

The railing was made out of a different wood than the steps. It was dark, almost grayish/green in color, and cold. All other wood in the house was a light yellow/orange

Quote:

"So young and innocent," she whispered to herself, "No matter what happens, you'll always be my Sun."

Was this intentional? At first I thought you mant "Son" instead of "Sun", but thinking about it now it seems perfectly fine. It stands out however.

Once again I'v been captivated by the beautiful words you have chosen in your descriptions. Your writing is more of an art than anything else. I don't know how I managed to miss this story, but I was in chock when I saw part four up and not three! Well, its amazing so far. Oh, and, I love Evance. His sarcasm amuses me.

Danny77 · 05-02-2006, 08:59 PM

Thanks again Kira! Hey no problem, I been meaning to get to more of your story lately as well...all in due time I suppose

enigmaticuser · 05-20-2006, 06:54 PM

Probably the last one for the night. This definately feels like a longer story, from the pace. It seems a little bit slower, but presuming the length it is fitting. Had to readjust a bit mentally for it though.

Quote:

He stood there poised for several seconds, then proceeded to investigate, carefully wading his way through the cat-tails.

As Sunder came within several paces

The repetition of several caught my eye, but also the first part seems to sterile there, several seconds...proceeded to investigate...Maybe you could come up with something more organic.

Quote:

When he stooped down to examine them, all of a sudden a shape burst forth from the pile of sticks.

I think burst makes sudden redundant. As for forth =) I've never seen forth used well. Sorry, it could be personal prefrence, I know I'd like to use it but it always comes across to me as forced medievalism.

Quote:

The resonating whoosh as it split through the wind filled the area as his arm motions became faster and more synchronized.

I think you need to drop the blue, and perhaps change the red to '...comma his arm motions becoming...'

Quote:

Plain's weren't there's to take,

Theirs.

Quote:

casting forth a long shadow that inched its way up towards the top of the hill.

I'll never be convinced =)

Quote:

“The moons, their almost in a perfect line.”

They're.

Quote:

Three small steps lead up to the porch, where sat an old wooden swing that needed repair. The porch looked out on a barren front yard, where began a dirt road that lead past some similarly styled houses and into town.

Rep

Quote:

Glisterence was hovering low upon the far horizon,

This isn't something I disagree with because it can be true, but my first thought was 'is there another kind of horizon?' I laughed, but respectfully so =)

I hope to stop in for more later! Looking forward to see what shape this is becoming.

Danny77 · 05-21-2006, 01:02 PM

Thanks Enig! You're help is much appreciated!