Kira the wanderer

Ch. 7

Looking back, there was no other way to handle the situation. Nobody suspected a thing, and nobody would probably suspect it to happen again. Family obedience was a strong belief in that village, such an event was the oddest of all flukes. Guilt nearly took control a few times, but the thought of an arranged marriage pushed her forward. Nothing, after all, could be more betraying than a mother selling out her daughter to a man because of a stupid superstition. Elise waited, just as she had carefully planned, for the night before it was time to leave. It was hard, making amends with her mother, but now nothing would be suspected of her. Not even a moment’s hesitation into a blind marriage.

It was a soundless night, warm and soothing, with a beautiful moon looming through the trees. Silver celestial light poured overhead, making it easy for Elise to spy her way around. Quietly, she had snuck out, knowing that by the morning the entire village would be scavenging for her. After all, it was that morning they expected to leave for Lundonsburg where the waiting, unknown, groom resided.

It was where she would go, that was the problem. Thinking hard about Simon Kabler’s words, Elise knew it had to be someone she trusted. But what person wouldn’t turn her in after making such a fool of everyone? It would be impossible to make to any other town by foot, without being caught once the sunlight came in. It was a hard decision, that she refused many times, but there was one place she was once able to seek refugee in. It was a place where not a soul dared to enter. The forest was not that far, about a mile and a half give or take, but she hurried nonetheless. A dog awoke from its slumber, as she made her way by, barking for her attention. Elise quickened up her pace, afraid her cover was already blown. Behind her it finally stopped bellyaching, the last whiteness to see this young woman before all hope was lost.

She had nothing with her except a small pack of clothing to last a few days. Did it make her seem as though she welcomed herself too easily? Elise wasn’t sure, afraid of how his temper would hold out. By the time she arrived, there was so much doubt filled in her that she paced to and from the door too many times to count. Making it past his large intimidating fence was hard enough; to her surprise it was unlocked as though another person had visited. Again, she put her hand up to the door as though to knock, only in vain, ending up turning her back to it, telling herself it was a bad idea. But where else was she to go? So once again, she faced the door frightened and nervous. She would repeat the ritual countless times, with slight variations. Sometimes she would linger, telling herself that it was all okay, and turned only in glance. Other times, she’d pace side-to-side in short but quick steps, fighting an internal debate. Her breath was soft and slow, fear was nipping at her insides.

Slowly her hand was raised to knock, with much concentration put forth. But quickly it was shot down and she nearly fled from the door, quickly retreating to the front of his fence. But finally, this time, Elise turned back, stared down the door with all courage gathered, and firmly pressed her hand up against it. Pushing it opened with a little more force than she had meant, the young woman leapt back nervously. For a moment, Elise quivered, sticking her head in. It was dark as always, musty and in need of more than just a good cleaning. It was almost as dirty as Adrian, she recalled. Elise looked about, seeing no sign of him. Was he in his room as always? She hoped not. It would make this all the more harder.

Her bag was placed on the familiar couch, as she noticed the dark sitting room was the same. Elise peeked into the kitchen, spying the messy counter, and then walked back to the sitting room, bumping into a coffee table with a thud. Before she knew it, the right side profile of a man was holding her hostage against the wall. Elise nearly jumped out of her skin.

It was hard to make out, in the dark, but he had clean features and long brown hair, tied back by a small band to keep out of the smooth white face. His hand was large and held her against the wall for what seemed like ages, as she nearly died from fear. But in only a few seconds she was released, with the man’s back turned to her. It was almost a blessing to hear, that deep threatening masculine voice she had come to know as her savoir, “It’s just you… Could you not wait a week before crawling back here? Or was life in that pitiful village of yours too hard to bear, now that you’ve been in my humble abode?”

Elise was speechless. “A-Adrian?” She stuttered in total disbelief. What had happened to the filthy greasy man, in old raggedy clothing worn day-to-day without change? What happened to the hair as black as death itself, dangling down in oily strands, a little past the chin? Who was this cleanly shaven stranger, without such a putrid smell as before, sounding like the monster everyone feared?

He turned toward her again, “What?” He snapped. But it was him for sure, recognizing the larger scar that was spread across his entire left cheek bone, as if his dark features didn’t give him away as it was.

“Oh! I-I am sorry to just come out of nowhere like this, especially since it seems as though I’m taking advantage of your hospitality… Which I’m not, don’t get me wrong! A-anyway, what I mean to say is that I’m really in quite a pickle. Please, if you don’t mind hearing me out I’d really like to explain myself.”

He turned his back on her once more. “I thought that was what you were doing…” He mumbled. Elise paused hesitantly.

“R-right… I’m sorry for blabbering on like this…”

Quickly Adrian snapped, “Then don’t! I have better things to do than listen to a half-brain dimwitted woman!”

“S-sorry…” She found herself apologizing again to him. He started to move, but Elise quickly followed him around. “You see, I’m in the most awful of all situations. My mother is ashamed of me and wants me to marry this man I have never even met! An arranged marriage, you see. I know they aren’t uncommon, but she’s only doing it because of the stupid things those idiot villagers have been saying! And to think they once claimed to be my friends, it just shows you how two-sided people can really be, actually. And… I ran away, I admit it is wrong, but I can’t possibly marry a man I never met and—”

“Will you get to the point, woman? You’re talking my bloody ears off.” He snarled.

Elise gulped. It was such a bad habit of hers, ever since she was little, to jabber a lot when nervous. Now there was little hope, she was sure of it. In a softer more typical voice she pleaded with him, “Can I stay a while, please? I don’t know how long it will be. But I need a place to stay.”

Adrian stood in the doorway of the hall leading to his bedroom. Turning slowly to her, he thought. The woman wanted back in on his life, coming here of her own freewill. Another human-being, actually trusted him and felt safe near him, making the decision a hard one to call. For the first time that he could ever remember, his Albonian blood did not matter making his wish was granted. But then reality sunk in. There could be no possible way, not now that Simon had returned. Even now, he stood in Adrian’s way. He cursed his brother for this, quietly to himself.

Elise watched his face change colors, every shade of emotion passed through. How human he seemed, she thought to herself, it was almost impossible to image he was the same short-tempered man from before. Slowly, all her tensions were released.

“Fine!” Adrian sounded as though he were attacking her. “Not for long, however. Just abide by my rules. My room— off limits. The attic room— even more strictly off limits. Break a rule and you get thrown out, got it woman?” Emotionlessly, he watched as her face lightened up. It was one glowing ball of joy, but the words of thanks that dribbled from her mouth were never heard. He remained in shock of his own decision, made only for the hope of becoming accepted by mankind.

PAGEMASTER

I enjoyed it

Showing changes in characters, how their emotions are developing towards one another, it helps create that certain spice of having something in their lives that they can lose at any point (each other).

Can't wait to read the next chapter, good luck.

cat_smh

I really enjoyed reading this. I don't really know what an Albonian is (I didn't read everyone else's posts on the other parts, so sorry if you've already explained that, unless you're going to explain it in a later part, in which case I'll shut up ), but even so its really interesting.
I did notice one bit that I couldn't make sense of:
Other than that it was really good

Kira the wanderer

I think I was missing a comma there, Cat. Sorry about that, bad habit. And no, what an Albonian is hasn't been explained yet. But in the other chapters it is mentioned enough and described in such a way to allow you to know that in the least, Albonians are a race of people highly discriminated against. The reasons for this will be explained in later chapters, but for now I've only showed the discrimination and their natural features.

I hope you continue to enjoy these, but I'm not sure if these last few chapters have been as good as the first ones. PAGEMASTER, you've been around quite a bit. Are these really still as enjoyable, or has the quality decreased? I did three chapters at once, so I'm not sure if this came out well.

PAGEMASTER

The main plot in stories are of course the most exciting, the most thrilling, but every story has chapters where it slows the pace, this I believe is in order to not only extend the novel, but to extend the suspense for the reader of wanting to know what's going to happen. The chapters are still coming along nicely, I'm enjoying it every step of the way, and if your feeling disheartened, its natural. My advice is to not rush the story, because you would ruin your talent and run into mistakes. Keep up the good work, because its a wonderful story your telling.

Kira the wanderer

I was actually just in a writing mood, but I know when I tend to be in that mood I can either be really good or I will be horrible. I hope these chapters aren't making the story go down hill. I have the next one as well, but I want more critiques on my last two before anything. I'm not sure if what I did screwed up the story or is fine.

cat_smh

The first 2 or 3 chapters are different anyway, because as a reader they're new and exciting and you haven't got a clue what's going on, but as it gets further on you get more comfortable with the characters and start realising what its all about, but I don't think you've screwed up. I agree with Pagemaster, you need chapters where everything's slower, otherwise you never get a break from all the action and it gets too much, and a lot happened in the first couple of chapters.
Don't lose hope, its going really well

Kira the wanderer

Thank you! I did chapter 9 and started 10 yesterday, so I'm glad that they won't reflect anything bad.

Kira the wanderer

I'm going to wait for a few more critiques before I post the next chapter. I've gotten more on my early chapters and not enough on the newest ones.

PAGEMASTER

Don't keep your fans in suspense missy everytime I log on here I come straight towards 'Fiction' and pray that my eyes spy a 'Fractured Ch 8' but I never do

Come on people, comment on this, its wonderful work.

Kira the wanderer

Haha. Well, I try. Besides I haven't really had the oppertunity to yet. I can only use my zip drive usb thingy at the library and I haven't been there much. Mostly on at school, which doesn't let me use it. So you'll have to wait. I'm really glad your loving it though. But the 9th chapter I have a problem with... I'm not sure if it would disrupt what was going on. What do you think of a short chapter from Simon's perspective?

PAGEMASTER

I guess it depends on what you write. Every chapter has to have a reason for being wrote, so I'm guessing, as well as hoping that it may tell your readers a bit more about the brothers past perhaps? Their feud?

When I write, sometimes - even when unintended - I write from multiple characters perspectives. I say give it a go and see where it takes ya

Kira the wanderer

It doesn't go into their past, but I want to develope Simon a little more. Its short, like the first chapter, but it gives you a sense of his personality-- or at least I hope it will. I'm not sure right now, it could be scrapped or saved. It really depends on how people react to it. Just in case I've decided to make it "version one", so I can go back and get rid of it if it'll be unneccessary.

Rayner

Hey Kira the Wanderer, I'm back. I thought this onewas intresting, espically Adrians tranformation.
I could not find much, I'm kind of tired today so I may have glossed over some things.

refuge.

I said I liked this one! I am very intrested to see where this is all going.

__________________
Critique these if you want, and I'll critique yours. (PM me if you have something specific)
Balance: I, II, III, IV, V, VI , VII

Kira the wanderer

Thank you! I had doubts about this chapter, as I always do as I get into things. I hope my characters are turning out to be believable people. Probably not though, haha. Anyway, thanks! I hope you continue to read my chapters, your imput is entirely helpful and anticipated. However, the 10th chapter is the last one I shall post here. I shall continue the story to the end and if it turns out I cannot do a thing with it, then I shall post the rest here and let it die in piece.