Dephere

Author's Note:

Just to set things straight right off the bat: No, this is not a continuation of Dark Men, but it does have a revisit of a couple characters and I suppose it ties into the same time line, but it's not a continuation. I don't care what you say. NOTE: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO READ DARK MEN BEFORE THIS!

“Softly,” he said to himself, smiling in ecstasy. The cold steel of his blade seemed almost to glow in the darkness, each successive strike of the whetstone sending a resounding clang through the tepid air, but the soft, steady strikes did their job. The ornate blade was keener than any the blacksmith had ever created. He looked at his masterpiece in the dimming light, the few embers left in the forge doing what they could. The hilt was wrought iron, gilded in the finest of platinum, but the silver, almost blue, colored substance made the blade appear as inane as any other. It was the hilt that set this assumption to rest. A roaring lion’s head burst from the cross guard, the mane trailing up towards the blade, appearing to snake its way up the sharpened metal and spouting to the sides of the hilt. The unorthodox, rounded cross gave it a unique feel that no other blade could possibly possess. The lion’s living sapphire eyes had a spirit of their own.

Orion, Mire’s blacksmith for the better part of twenty years, sheathed the sword with pride. He had been young and untried in the days of the Dark Men, but these days, under Aeimer’s reign, he had a cause, a purpose and a single person for whom he could pledge his allegiance. Aeimer had liberated Mire, destroyed those savagely twisted Dark Men and with Mire he had claimed nearly half of the old empire. Mire was now part of Tolthion, the autonomous powers under Aeimer’s monarchy, and Orion couldn’t have been happier.

War, unlike any Mire had ever seen, was at hand, but a distant battle was far more enjoyable than a threat at home.

The blacksmith himself had retired from the fields of blood, deeming his talents more worthy for shaping tools of destruction rather than wielding them. Carrying the sheathed rapier provided a thrill in itself, but presenting it to its chosen wielder would be by far more satisfactory, and he knew just who he would bequeath the blade to.

The dying embers in the forge finally did just that, sputtering into nothingness while Orion set the whetstone upon his wooden desk, beside numerous other tools. Rushing from the stuffy armory was nothing short of a reward for his hard labors and the beaming moonlight attested to the effort Orion put into his work. He couldn’t wait, however, even if it was night. He had been informed that the general was to leave in the morning.

The armory was situated towards the central of town, next to a vacant field and relatively close to the barracks, but the night’s beautiful scenery seemed interminable, providing an expanse of green grass and lush flora, all manner of colors springing out into the pathway. Running past them seemed almost a crime, but Orion could care less, his mind was on the blade. The moon faded behind an imposing cloud as a large manor presented itself. The outside enormous, oak wood prevailing in its intrinsic splendor, holding the house upwards as a reminiscent display of its tall infrastructure. But Orion had no time to inspect.

He rushed through the door past the flustered servant who struggled to bar his passage, but it was to no avail, this blacksmith was determined. He rushed across the marbled floors and into a burgundy red room, drapes keeping the streaming moonlight out. The general, his unkempt grey hair falling freely to his shoulders, held a red leather book. He looked up, his rough features strewn in confusion, while his stark grey hair kept his eyes in shadow. Despite the hair, Orion could detect the youthful health of the general, the luster in his skin and the lack of fragility which most elderly had were both missing in this man.

“What is it, Orion?” His voice was indifferently cold and unanimated, just as he wanted. Orion met the brown eyes that he saw, his blue orbs unwilling to falter. Brushing his tumbling auburn locks out of his face, he reached for the sheathed blade, his near forty years of life coming to a culmination of craftsmanship of this sword. The servant made to stop the blacksmith, afraid he would make an attempt on the general’s life, although the notion that the lithe servant could stop him was laughable. “No, Defram, it’s alright.” The general waved him aside.

The blade was released to the air, the glorious lion roaring in triumph for all to hear.

“I present you with my Pride, general Faybus.” Faybus smiled, casting the book aside and standing to accept his gift.

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kalibantre

I'll crit it later, just wondering do I have to have read Dark Men for it to make sense?

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~kitty

Besh

Well, I had no idea what was going on, though that's probably because I haven't read all of Dark Men. Hopefully my questions will be answered later on (there is going to be a later on, isn't there?) The writing was good, and I only spotted a couple of technical things.

The full stop should be a comma, and 'He' shouldn't have a capital h.

You don't really need this adverb. How can a moon fade halfheartedly? Just "The moon faded" would work fine, I think.

I also think that (and this is only my preference) you could cut back on your use of the name 'Orion'. I've done this before, too. It's not necessary to repeat his name if he's by himself; just a simple 'he' or 'his' would work just as well, if not better.

One thing I was wondering about is why Orion isn't fighting in the 'war unlike mire had ever seen'. Forty isn't that old, and Orion appears to be a fit man who knows how to use a sword. I think that if the war really was that big they'd be wanting anyone they can get. There may be some other reason as to why he's not fighting, but just being forty isn't going to cut it. But that's just me being picky, I guess.

Dephere

Kal - No you don't have to read Dark Men, but it does have a couple characters from that series and the revelation towards the end isn't as anything exciting if you haven't read the series, but you can still follow.

Hey, Besh, long time no see....You're not lost becasue you haven't read Dark Men, it's just because there isn't enough of the story yet for you to understand, but there will be more. So, yes, there is going to be a later.

I intimate the fact the Orion isn't a very good wielder of weapons, in fact he's pretty poor in his fighting ability, paired with a slightly elder age and that's why he doesn't have to fight. He was employed as a blacksmith for the war effort...

Glad you thought the writing was good and hopefully you'll read more as this goes along, even though there wasn't much action in this piece.

Thank you for reading, I appreciate it!

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kalibantre

oh, well I'll just crit it later and try not to enjoy it

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~kitty

aliceedelweiss

Bonjour, mon ami. Ca va? Je suis bonne.(would bon/bonne be determened by my gender?)

Long time no talk

Isn't that two words? Care less? unless you were saying "Orion was/is careless"

I'm still having trouble following everything right...I keep having to go back and rereading, I think thats because it has that whole fantasy voice to it, and I'm no good with that...but I like your writing! So I'll keep at it it was good, either way, I liked the description of the sword as a lion, "roaring in triumph for all to hear" very cool.

I'll get around to finishing Dark Men and RoS eventually....you'll see...

Alice

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Dephere

Bonjour, Alice...Je pense que vous diriez......Je fait bon.

Moi, ca va bien!

Happy to here from you again, it's been a while. You should really come into the coffee shop sometime, that's where I hang out 90% of the time.

Oh, yes, good catch with the "careless"...*rushes to change it*

I'm glad you liked the sword, I think I like weapons too much, but it's good to hear someone else liked it too!

Take your time and don't read anything you don't want to, I won't be offended. Thanks you!!!!

Wisp

Hey, you posted something new

I like this. It is a good paragraph, especially the voabulary used. I like how you used 'softly' by the character, and then as a descriptoin, but I don't know if that was accidentle or purposeful, but leave it becaues it is good.

I would like to tell you what to do here with all these commas, but I guess you will have to wait for Titania on that. It is just a little odd, and caught my eye that you had four commas in the same sentence, so you may want to reword it a bit. I am sure it could easily be split into two.

I am not sure, but I think it's Mane, not 'main'.

Comma after unorthodox

You capitolized 'Dark Men' first, but then you didn't later.

Hey, I just remembered where I heard that name before! It was in Darth's Sol Incursion story

Again, lots of commas. This can be shortened, or split into two sentences.

Maybe-
"But Orion had no time for little details." Or something like that.

This sentence seemed a little corny to me, the bolded parts inparticular. Maybe reword it a bit...

It would sound better as 'his'.

Would be better as 'the'

Either-
"His voice was indifferently cold and unanimated..."
Or
"His voice was indifferent, cold and unanimated..."

Repitition on brown, maybe 'auburn'. And 'blue ones' dosn't exactly sound right...

Repitition on blade. Maybe 'sword'.

Ooooh.. Faybus again
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Hey that was pretty good. Nice twist with Faybus at the end, I didn't suspect that, and I usually suspect everything. *Suspects the computer screen with a magnifying glass*

Well anyways, nice job, great use of vocab, etc, etc. Just watch out for the few sentences were you overflowed with commas, and for the small repititions. Other than that, it looks great

Dephere

Hey, Wisp, thanks for reading...

I'm glad you liked it and I hope it draws the reader in...Even though it's only describing the creation of a sword. IT wasn't done on purpose, actually, but hey, at least it works.

I had the name first. lol. He was the blacksmith in my Dark Men series, he only came in for one scene, but he was named Orion and I thought I would expound upon his character here. So it still counts as mine, Darth.

All the other things I am going to fix ASAP. Thanks for catching all of those.

You're much appreciated!

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Wisp

No problem, glad I could help

TheReMonstor

Hey dude, what's up. Good to see something new. Overall, I liked the idea of the blacksmith creating his masterwork and rushing to present it to his liege. But I did find some things here and there, so let's get started.

First off, I know that it's always interesting to read about something that I don't know much about. And one of those things is bladesmithing. I thought it might be advantageous to your piece to do a little research on bladesmithing and describe how he's making the blade. Just stuff like the actual forge, I mean it's mentioned, but no description, as well as the billows and some other stuff. It just be cool to read instead of just the whetstone thing...which brings me to my next point.
Alright, I'm sure you know this, but a rapier is a long, thin thrusting weapon. It's primarily a dueling weapon or used for decoration. And I'm not totally sure, but I don't think you can use a whetstone on a rapier since whetstones are used to sharpen the edge(s) of a blade. Also, I don't think a whetstone makes a "clang" sound since you don't strike the blade, you whisk it along the edge, just like sharpening a knife. And even more, the hilt of most rapiers is more of a wire frame (at least the guard is, which is the only place on the hilt, besides the pommel, that a lion such as the one you describe could be placed) and specific images like that would've been hard to put on a sword like that. So, in light of all that stuff (which I may be wrong, but I don't think I am on most of it), I think you should change the type of sword to just a broadsword or something like that, b/c then everything makes sense, except the sound of the whetstone.

I know people are gonna read that and be like "what a picky S.O.B", but you know why this sort of stuff is important, especially since the sword is the major plot devise of the story. Pretty much, the rest of my critique has to do with stuff like that b/c you've pegged your writing style and I don't like doing grammar. That's Titania's job.

I loved that sentence. Great way of expanding his character w/ the point of his retirement.

I don't like the "did just that" part. It sounds too speech-like for the narrator, almost gives the narrator a personality. And here's another one of those picky things. The "wooden desk" caught my eye. I would think that a blacksmith's tools would be more at home on a wooden (or even metal, depending on the period and/or quality of the smith) work bench than a desk. A desk sounds like a place for penicls and paper, not iron tools used for crafting metal.

I dunno, that first sentence sounds clunky and ends up not saying much at all about the house, other than it's tall and oak. Kind of too elaborate, especially since "Orion had no time to inspect" which kind of shrugs off the description of the house as unimportant. I think you could better describe the house, maybe even with less words.

I know, I know, you have to have Orion go to the room, but I just thought it kind of odd that a general wouldn't have any guards posted anywhere in his house. But that's just a thought. Do what you can with it.

I love the description of this Faybus character. He's got such a great image. Can't wait to see more of him. Other than that, it was alright. Honestly, I'm more interested in the sword, the blacksmith shop and this Faybus character than I am about flora in the courtyard, where the barracks is and where the armory is located. I think you could go back in and really pull out the details about Orion, the sword, the blacksmith process and maybe a little more on what this sword means, a.k.a, why Orion thought it necessary to rush across town to give it to Faybus. But definitely interesting. Later. Oh, and if anything that I said turns out to be wrong, throw it back in my face and in the words of Mac from Super Troopers "Make 'em look like a dick."

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Dephere

Hey, TheReMonster (man I need a nickname for you.)...

Thanks for reading...

That's a good idea, I thought it might get a little boring for me to expound upon the whole process, so I had him just sharpening it, but having you tell me it would be interesting gives me a reason to do it.

Wow, you are a picky S.O.B.! Naw, I know how little things like that cna really stick out and it sounds like you really know what you're talking about. I'm not too familiar with the difference between a rapier and a regular blade, but I will also do some research on that. As to the clanging sound...I'm nearly positive that it makes a sliding clang type sound as the whetstone runs along the edge. Something else to look into.

Hm, I kind of see what you mean with the "did just that" part, but I think I might hold off on changing it for the moment and see what other people think. I will also re-read it myself and see if it feels out of place.

The "wooden desk" is out of place and I couldn't think of the proper nomenclature when I was writing it. It was late and I was going with the idea, and at that moment the "desk" wasn't pertinent. I will definitely change that though. Not too sure to what, but it'll be something else.

It's funny, you're catching all the parts I felt odd about while writing. Yes, I need to change that a little. Maybe just scrap the house description altogether for a more inspiring one.

Actually, Orion doesn't even become a main character, so it's not such a bad thing that you don't really care about him. I know I don't. I'm going to focus on Faybus and others that will be introduced.

Also, I will make things a little more clear as the story goes along.

Thanks you sooooo much, that was crazy helpful!

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Oasis Writer

Quote:

“Softly,” he said to himself, smiling in ecstacy.

That's suppose to be exstasy.

Quote:

He had been young and untried in the days of the Dark Men, but these days, under Aeimer’s reign, he had a cause, a purpose, (Comma) and a single person for whom he could pledge his allegiance. Aeimer had liberated Mire, destroyed those savagely twisted Dark Men and with Mire, (Comma) he had claimed nearly half of the old empire.

Two comma's.

Quote:

Despite the hair, Orion could detect the youthful health of the general, the luster in his skin and the lack of fragility, (Comma) which most elderly had, (Comma) were both missing in this man.

The commas.

Otherwise Boss, that was an awesome story. And I think it'd be smarter for the next readers to get a little back drop of the Dark Men, so I'd recommend they read through it too, just to know better.

Disclaimer:

And comment, because I'll shot their virgin butts otherwise

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Besh

Oasis Writer

Aw yes, I accidently hit the x keep, my bad, I apologize, ecstasy is how you spell it. Sorry Boss

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