FaeDream

“Stay away from me,” he shouts.
“I can’t,” I say.
“You bring me nothing but pain,” he sobs.
“Be that as it may, I still love you,” I say.
“Shut up! You liar, you miserable bitch!” he screams.
“I know you are angry now, but that will change,” I say.
“No, it will never change, and my feelings for you will only grow colder,” he says glaring at me through his bangs.
“Oh you will change your mind, I have given you no choice. Stolen the very freedom you have taken for granted away from you. Do you dare say you no longer love me?” I ask smiling as his anger intensifies.
“You disgust me. You are not a woman. You are an animal, and unholy thing sent to murder my heart and spirit,” he cries in the night air.
“An animal? I cannot deny what nature has made me. Our blood flows through each other like a river courses down a mountainside. If it is true how you feel, if it is true that all you see before you is an animal, then I must say to you that all you are is what I have made you. Pawn of an ‘animal’. A creature not worthy of time, pity, or effort,” I say looking over his flesh.
“Move out of my way. I will not tell you again,” he says saliva dripping off of his lip.
“What do you plan to do? Kill me?” I say laughing through the latter.
“Laugh again, I will tear that pretty head from your neck,” he says moving toward me.
“Be my guest, oh but do it quick. I cannot stand the thought of pain,” I say smiling.

Oasis Writer

Interesting start, but as you put in the title, Fractured. So, I'm sure there is more behind this than you have given us. I'd like to see more before I can really give you more of a critique or review. There is depth here, but I think it would have been more effective if you left out all of the little, "I said" and "he saids" after you established a basis for the two talking. But again, I really need to see more. The conversation works impeccably and not a bad start, but I'd be more desriptive with the setting, and what's going on around them, maybe more about the character devolopement. Who exactly is talking and what they look like and so on. But again, I'd like to see more. Good start.

__________________

gary_wagner

I don't like stories either written or spoken in present tense. That's just a pet peeve of mine. To me, it makes this sound a little like a teenage girl talking to her friend on the phone, "Then I say, 'No way', and he says, 'Yes way' and so I say 'No way' again and then he goes..."

The "I say", "he sobs", "I say", "he screams" is so repetitive that it looks like you might be trying to use it as part of the story, but I'm not sure if that was your intent or not. I thought maybe you were going to use them to build his intensity but after "he sobs" and "he screams", you go back to "he says" the rest of the time.

This short piece, all by itself, doesn't stand on its own. If this is meant to be fully self-contained then it needs more word pictures to tell us about where they are, what they are doing, what they look like, and some other scene setting help.

The conversation is good and makes me want to read more and know more about the two characters. I want to know why she is so smug and arrogant and what she holds over him. I want to know why he is so angry, and if he is human or an animal. If this isn't presented somewhere else, it needs to be here.

__________________
Founding member of alliterationaholics anonymous.
Should you be a member too?

FaeDream

Wow, now that I read that you two are absolutely right. In my own head she was telling the story so it made more since for her to say "I say". Also I was worried about the conversation getting confusing; not letting the audience know who was talking. I didn't want the reader to get confused and have to re-read and get frustrated. Instead I just dumbed it down. Can't win can I? Thanks for your advice and I will fix it up.