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Old 04-16-2006, 05:47 PM   #1
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The Gift (Part 2)

Part 1:
http://www.writingforums.com/showthread.php?t=57807

Kristin was waiting for me on the front porch swing, pouting, with
her arms folded across her chest in that, "I know you were doing something
wrong," pose. I walked past her muttering, "I got held up at work," intent on getting into the shower before she smelled the barrista's perfume
on me. She followed me, but much to my surprise, she'd cooked lasagna and
set the table for our meal. Two glasses of red wine were waiting on the
bar.

"I thought you might like a bite after a hard day's work."

I was instantly suspicious. She hadn't cooked in years, insisting that
I get dinner on the way home. Actually, our marriage had become a matter
of convenience, neither of us wanting to go through the rigor of divorce
proceedings. "You cooked?"

"Yes."

"For me?"

"Yes."

Her smile was genuine. I almost felt guilty about my little trist with
the barrista. "Thanks, honey."

Bragg Street was like a war zone. Crackheads stumbled back and forth through litter-strewn government housing like zombies in a George Romero film. And they would eat your brain, too, just like the walking dead, for one hit of that mucous colored rock, boiled, sifted, and hardened to a gumdrop consistency.

I'd given up on helping people long ago. My former optimism had metamorphosed into a seething hatred of people in general. They are self-serving, greedy, and just waiting for an opportunity to stab their fellow man in the back.

I watched Dezora exit the QuickMart, her belly-shirt revealing folds of
gelatinous flab (from) six pregnancies, although I'd never personally seen
her caring for a child. She walked briskly to a white Lexus and conversed
with the driver, a thin black man wearing a street hat. As she spoke, he panned his head back and forth, surveying the parking lot. Something was about to happen.

The Lexus was the only car in the lot, and neither she or the thin man could see me watching from behind an abandoned building a block away. The thin man hopped out of the driver seat and entered the store, fumbling for something in his waistband. Several moments later he exploded from the building, sprinting for the white car. Dezora walked briskly away as the Lexus squalled tires and turned onto Garner Road.

Several minutes later I was chasing the Lexus down Dandridge Drive at an
unreasonable speed. The road ended in a new construction site. I knew this,
but obviously, the thin man didn't. He hit the dirt pathway at eighty miles
per hour, immediately slamming the brakes and sliding sideways. The car
struck a utility pole directly on the driver door, bending the machine into a
giant white boomerang before snapping the pole in two.

The thin man was dead on impact. As I approached, I considered calling an
ambulance, but I'd never called the pursuit on the radio. And there were no
witnesses at the site, so I decided against it. I opened the passenger door
and peered in. The man's lifeless body was twisted at an impossible angle, his
head halved like a grapefruit. Blood spurted from the stalk of his corpse as if
it were under pressure, pooling on his lap. My eyes were immediately drawn to the paper bag on the passenger seat. Inside, I found several rolls of twenty dollar bills, and a small caliber pistol. I took the money and left immediately. Eventually, someone would stumble onto the scene and clean up the mess. But I was merely thinking ahead to poker night. Three thousand dollars would buy a lot of chips, and I hoped to double that amount over the next couple of weeks.

I awoke that night and disentangled myself from Kristin's arms. My chest was on fire, the skin so heated I could barely touch it with my fingertips. Disrobed, studying my naked torso in the bathroom mirror, I was horrified. The cross was now attached to my skin. It was as if my flesh had somehow blended with the stone,the cross then sinking into my flesh until it's form was flush with the surface.And the skin surrounding the cross was now the same opaque color as the stone. I even had the charcoal spotting across my chest.
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Old 04-17-2006, 12:02 AM   #2
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Glad to see another part to this story. It wasn't as intruiging as the first part, but that might be b/c this part is kinda short. I did wonder about the jump from Conner speaking his mind about humanity then switching straight to a scene where he's watching the Lexus. There was no transition between the 2 parts.

Just a few notes/questions on the details:

Was Conner in his police car when he was chasing the Lexus? Why didn't he call it in? Did he intend to steal the money in the first place?

I'm not too sure on this, but I was wondering if $3,000 was a little much to get from a convience store. Do they have that much in a register? Do they have safes?

If Conner did have his lights on, surely someone would have noticed and he could have somehow been linked back to the chase, especially if he left the Quickmart w/ lights on. The cashier would've prolly seen his car, unless he was dead. And what was Conner doing there anyway?

All these questions kinda points to the fact that there really isn't enough information during this part. Seems to be lots of holes in it.

Also, I was kinda disappointed that the only parts of the story that the "cross" came into play was when he came home and in the end. Conner's views on humanity and his "bad cop" behavior are more of a backseat thing, I think. I want to know more about the "cross".

And when you reveal that the "cross" has attached itself to Conner, it's not as dramatic as it would seem to be. Too sudden I think, maybe hint about the uncomfortableness of the "cross" throughout this part. But it's a good job describing how it was attached.

Just like the first part, your writing flows well, but that transition needs to be looked at. And Conner seemed to change from this bored, on-the-fence kinda cop to a piss-on-humanity, dirty cop. Maybe it has something to do with how he's used the "cross" so far, or something like that, but it was kind of a sudden change. I'd look this part over and fill in some details, add a little more or something. Hope I helped.
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Old 04-17-2006, 09:56 AM   #3
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Love it. Once again, I couldn't find much wrong with it at all. Just a few minor details to point out.

I'm not sure why here
Quote:
her belly-shirt revealing folds of
gelatinous flab (from) six pregnancies,
you put from in parenthesis. It seems weird and wouldn't make sence without the from so I'd just get rid of them

the only other thing was the last paragraph. When he looked in the mirror and described how the cross was in the skin, you repeated "cross" and "flesh" too much. Also the description was poor and lacking compared to the rest of this fine peice of work, it seems like it was a rush job or something. Fix up the ending paragraph, but keep the first and last sentences in it. Those were really good.
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Old 04-17-2006, 05:39 PM   #4
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comments

Remonster: Thanks again for your comments which are always in depth, which is always what I want. Obviously, if the robbery and chase left that many questions, I haven't done my job in thoroughly explaining it. He robbed the store. A lot of the "hood" stores keep cash in drop safes or, as I've seen from time to time, in a cardboard box with dixie cups piled on top(not too big on security). Chases often happen without any radio traffic, not that it is an accepted practice, and you'd be surprised how little attention normal people living in drug areas pay attention to that sort of thing. I'll try to expand on that without turning the story into a lesson on police procedure.

Kira: The (from) you noticed was a typo. Sometimes, when I want to use a different word, I'll place it in parentheses and then come back to it with my thesaurus. I forgot to come back on that one. Thanks for the comments.
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Old 04-18-2006, 06:12 PM   #5
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No problem. Glad I could help. I hope you keep going with this, it is very good.
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