Danny77

I posted this in short stories a few months ago, but Im going to start posting some of the chapters now, so heres the prologue, a bit updated from last. Any and all critiques appreciated!

The Tale of Evance and Sunder
Imriel’s Dawn
Prologue


Severin ran his furry hand meticulously along the letters of a scroll, intensely studying each word. His fingers, like the rest of his large and muscled body, were covered in jet-black hair. Peering at the words through the cowl of his cloak, his sinister eyes glowed white in the darkness of the night, accenting the long, almost dog-like features of his face--the only part of his body that wasn’t completely masked in hair.

Running down shoulder’s length, his dark hair greatly contrasted the ghostly white skin of his face, completely pale after years uncounted away from the sun.

Severin thumbed through the parchment, pulling up the next scroll, this one much older, perhaps ancient. Unlike the previous reading, this particular piece was frail, with many holes in its faded body. Those white eyes quickly read the rest of the tattered annals, his mind carefully contemplating each word.

A finger brushed lightly under his chin, drawing the smallest drop of blood, as he began to wonder the importance of it all.

But it didn’t take long for the clever creature to put everything together. Severin had been planning this for years, and would heed the advice of the written words.

The beast stood up, his large stature nearly reaching the height of the enclosure. With a brush of his arm, he pushed aside the flap that led outside, into the camp. Out of the tent he paced, his long strides surprisingly agile and quiet.

It was dark outside, with no moons showing. A myriad of torches lined the entrances to many huts, lighting up the area with dancing flames and wild shadows. With a dark robe wrapped loosely around his body, Severin paced down the dirt path, towards a dome shaped tent, the second largest in camp.

Nearly tripping over each other, several smaller, grey-skinned creatures, malnourished and underdressed, quickly scurried out of the way as he approached. The ominous figure brushed past like a wave in an angry sea; and in no way did the creatures desire to invoke the wrath of the great beast.

Even by the orange glow of the torchlight, Severin's approach was one of natural stealth. If it wasn't for his burning eyes, so mysterious yet unmistakable, not even the keenest of animals could have detected him.

Like an extension of the wind, quietly did he reach the entrance of the large tent, with two torches standing tall on the side of each flap. Severin, who hated all, certainly loathed this band of scullion. As he brushed past the opening and into the tent, his sharp claws tearing a small seam into the tarp, he wondered how he ever became involved with such pathetic creatures.

Eating, drinking, and talking amongst themselves in their guttural speech, sat a group of grey-skinned creatures around a table. The inside of the hut was surprisingly well lit, especially for grey-skins, who, like Severin, reveled in the dark.

The merriment quickly halted as the robed figure approached, his massive body bearing down on them. The room became silent, all silver eyes pointed at their leader.

Severin threw back his hood, his jet-black hair waving ever so slightly from the draft seeping in through the entrance. He sniffed the air, disgusted by the smell of these peons, and narrowed his seemingly orb-less eyes, staring deep into each creature in turn.

Slowly he raised the parchment, the delicate writing appearing so much more fragile in his massive paw. The half opened scrolls twirled slowly in the air as he tossed the papers their way. The parchment landed with a slap on the wooden table, still rotating as it came to a sliding halt.

The grey-skins looked curiously at the scrolls, then quickly back up to Severin. His eyes were narrowed in their usual maliciousness as he spoke, his deep growl sending waves of fear up the spine of each listener.

“Find her.”

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Ruben

Unless it's a fantasy world with more than one moon, this shouldn't be plural.

You forgot the line space.

Repetition of wicked (sorry, I'm just very anti-repetition )

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Hm, great! If I saw this in a shop, I would buy it. Very well described, and gets the reader's attention.

One inconsistent thing: in the beginning you describe his hair, but later you have him wearing a cloak.

Hope you post more quickly.

Danny77

Thanks man. Yeah, there's three moons

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Sarah Evelynn

I usually don't read fantasy stories, but I thought I'd return the favour -- and I really like this! (-Maybe I should rethink my novel choices.) I love your descriptive, yet easy-to-follow language.
Engaging - I look forward to reading more!

--S

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Danny77

Thanks for reading Sarah! Im glad you liked it!

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Dephere

Hey, I'm here and don't worry, I always give my honest opinions. Glad to hear that you have finished it! That's half the battle right there...

Let me point out a few things...

This sounds like you're going to continue, not like it's the summation of the sentence...I would just put "which was" right before "the"...That should work.

I'm glad to see that you made the first paragraph flow better, BTW, it shows you're willing to take advice. See, you didn't even have to take out many of the adjectives, but it feels more natural this way.

Maybe switch the syntax here a little...

"His dark hair, at shoulder's length, greatly contrasted...."

It seems to be more concise and more sensible, but it's your choice.

Maybe stick in a "with" at the beginning...

Overall it seems a vast improvement. Those little things which you changed made the piece feel more professional and like a real story. It was nice and I enjoyed it much more.

Just like the last time, it kept me intrigued and does a nice job of presenting you with enough, while leaving you in the dark about a lot.

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Danny77

Thanks again for the help Deph! Glad you liked it

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enigmaticuser

stopping by on my way through the story. I like the mythos here, the character is a big enigmatic, but that's ok for a prologue (I don't think I could criticise that with a straight face). Not much to critique on, syntax or grammaer wise, not that I'm an expert, but here's what I did notice:

I would replace that with a semicolon...when I first started here I hated semis, but I have been converted.

I think this should be two sentences, IMO. And the first part...hmm...I don't know what it is but it feels a little clunky. A little too german if you know what I mean? The best suggestion I could make for that would be "Even by the orange glow of the torchlight, Severin's approach was one of natal stealth." Just a little more concise, and I replaced natural because natural and stealth somehow don't work well together IMO. That's just IMO.

A little to much tell. It was pretty clear to me that he was an unwholesome or at least unfriendly type, telling me outright that he hated and all and certainly loathed his own peons, comes off a little cheesy. A little subtlety could go a long way. But it's your style. Lastly...

I thought this scroll was frail?

So anyways, I'd keep reading. Just becareful of being too...obvious. Subtley, well after I check my laundry I shall be on to the next piece.

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My current stories: Evil D: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12
Adam: Breathe In, Foot Falls, Senses and Patterns, Eden, The Lord and the Master ---->Abandoned or at least shelved...

Titania

I've been meaning to get to this for a while now... wanted to return the favor

jet-black (hyphen)

maybe greatly contrasted with?

led

jet-black again

Well that wasn't much at all... very nicely done. Good description. I sort of agree with enig that it wasn't very subtle; we were kind of beaten over the head with the fact that he was bad. But nice work overall.

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Danny77

Thanks both of you for the critiques! I'll defenetely consider what you said and go back and change it

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Blackhawk_t

I actually read this a couple of weeks ago, and thought I had posted on it. Sorry.

Severin is quite the creation. It's amazing how you can describe him in so many ways, and differently. Which is good. I actually think you might be able to shorten this up a bit, and be able to create a little more tension.

It was a good start, and make you wonder who they are trying to find.

Keep it up.

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Danny77

Thanks for reading Blackhawk! il be sure to check out some of your stuff as soon as I can

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AtlanteanTapir

Running down shoulder’s length (maybe running down BY A. im not sure about this one)

reveled in the dark. (is it revealed?)

all silver eyes pointed (pointing doesnt sound right to me somehow, perhaps another word would do)

sounds kinda suspens-ious. very good prolouge. i enjoyed reading such a wonderful work.

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Rayner

Oh, I liked this very much. You already have a intresting chracter (villan, antihero, misunderstood? Can't wait to find out), who I'm not quite sure id a wherewolf or completly different creature. Also I liked this grey skin creatures, kind of sound like goblins. This really hooks the reader.
Sorry, I could not find anything to actually comment on, I guess everything that would stick out to me has been found.
I will be moving on to chapter 1 very soon!

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Danny77

Atlantean and Raayner, thanks for reading! Il try and return the favor as soon as I can

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