Randatos

Well, here is the prologue of the story I've been working on for over a year (maybe even two). This is actually the typed version of the second draft, but since I change so much when I got to type a story I'm considering it my third draft. Yeah.

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Selciaan’s Tale

You’ve asked me a multitude of times for a retelling of the Legacy, and each time I tell you the exact same thing. I simply do not know enough to tell you. It happened many years ago, and my part in all of it was minimal at best. And I have grown old. My memory is not what it use to be. It is only by the great graces of Euros that I still draw breath.

Still, as I told you on out last visit, I have done a bit of research on the topic. There are some parts of the story where fiction blends in with the fact. I can not give you a completely true history.

But it would be against an old man to try.

For your benefit (as well as the memory of a no longer young and mentally powerful man) I have divided the Legacy into a total of seven chronological stories. Each is am pivotal part in the proceedings of the Legacy, and the latter would not make sense without the former. The first of the Legacy rests in your hands now.

I again must repeat that this story as it stands now may (and probably isn’t) exactly what truly happened. Perhaps even Rand, the base protagonist of the Legacy could be fiction. He could perhaps even be a culmination of multiple men and women who overtime were known as a group called Rand and overtime was thought of as a single character. You must look onto this story as just that – a story – and nothing other. Do not quote it to your friends as history or fact.

Either way, Rand is a name you will quickly grow familiar with as you read the Legacy. It is important to know that he was trained since near birth to be the definition of a warrior by the great Diag Thantoss himself. During the first incarnation of the Legacy, the young Orthan is a young man of 16 years old. He often shows traits of that age that constantly led him into trouble as well. But he is not without skill, as more often than not he finds his own way out of trouble without his mentor’s help. Still, he has a determination to learn from his master, and become a great warrior like the stories of his father.

And learn he does. Few other men his age were as strong and guilfull as he with a sword. Even those older than him are strong pressed to hold their own against Rand. A common foe he faces is his lifelong friend Crim Darksiege. Crim was Diag’s first student, but was unable to complete his training to fight in the Ka-Thors war many years ago. Even though Crim and the other lost, he is a strong warrior and more importantly, a good friend, although many tend to find him simply arrogant and annoying.

But I find myself rambling. What fun is a fictitional story if all the characters are explained beforehand? And yes, I thirdly repeat that this is indeed fictional.

However, I truthfully say that the geography of M’Badev in this time is correct, however odd it may seem. Back then there were a total of seven recognized landmasses. The largest and center-point of the world at the time was Eredath. Trade and commerce found a home in Eredath, as well as many warriors who lived for nothing more than the Eredath Contest, a weeklong strife to announce the most powerful human in the world.

Another landmass of M’Badev is that of Draga. According to every single source, Draga was the home of the Rand entity, as well as my own. Draga is a forested place with two craggy mountains; one bisecting the continent, and the dwarfed one along the eastern coast.

Far north from there lies the harsh frozen world of Eurap. This land’s winter lasts year long, as do the many snowstorms. However over time the people learned to adapt to this harsh continent, in both the form of warm subterranean cities and a hardy lifestyle of constant physical practice.

Draga, however, remains no match for the bloodied continent of Monthran. At the time of the first story, monsters, demons, and other human-killing beasts overran Monthran. No one survived there. No one lived there.

Karnanaag had a similar plight to that of Monthran in the form of dragons, as well as many other unmentionable horrors. Sixthly there is Nithran, a land where cannibalistic tribes live.

Finally there is Tarith. Tarith is a wonder to think about, as it is nothing like the other landmasses, because it truly isn’t one at all. In all actuality Tarith is a string of many small islands circling Eredath. The people of Tarith are nothing but murderers, thieves, and bastards.

Worse yet, they provide a safe harbor for the long forbidden technology of M’Badev.

PsIMsP

Im not going to get into the technical aspect with you because I know eventually somebody will, and that somebody will most likely leave out the most important part, the contents of the story, wich would leave you in the dark as for as your story goes and then were would you be. So you can thank me later.

First of all let me thank you for wiriting what I think is an original and very well thought story, I can tell you put alot of you time into this and it paid off. The introduction style is ver interesting to start. It sort of tricks the reader into thinking that if he dosent keep reading that he will be missing a very important and paramount moment in history. Good job on that. The set up is beautiful, you give us the characters and explain to us that they are important to the story without out giving to much detail, this is a very brilliant technique because it leave the reader on his/her ass thinking, "Whats so damn important about these people?" which lures them into the rest of the story. On thing I did pick up on though, let me show you.

You see the transition from Rand to Orthan, it very jagged and sudden. You have to have a smooth flow from one topic to the other or the reader will get confused and give up on what I think could be a brilliant story.

Now that you have introduced the bulk of the characters I cant wait to read the rest of the story.
Thank you for that breath of fresh air and good luck

Oh yea, drop a comment on my story in my signature when you got ime, it's long but I think you'll like it.
Good luck on the rest of the story.

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TheReMonstor

Well, first on the format. To me, this reads like the prologue of a videogame. It's obvious that this is all voice from an old man who is telling this story to the reader (or player, hence the vgame likeness). But, throughout the old man says things that imply he's actually talking to someone else. The first line is one of these spots. The "You've asked me" part implies there is someone else, b/c the reader isn't asking anything, they're simply reading.

The narrative of this part is well-done, but it just sounds like an ominous voice speaking of all these people and places, with no real direction. It would be much more effective if this old man had someone to converse with, to actually show why he was telling this story. To be honest, this type of writing is so common for one reason: it's easy. If you wanted, I could sit down and type 50 pages of people, places, events and the like without every having to worry about dialogue, tone, character interaction and everything else that makes stories interesting. As you have it, it's just all one passage, more or less, a rambling old man. You hint at some things that are interesting like how the old man was merely a bystander of the story he's telling. Now that's interesting, more about the character. 20 years ago, when fantasy wasn't as cliche as it is now, fantasy-based names and places were fun to read and something new, but not now. You've been in the SciFi/Fant. section in B&N, it's huge. And each one has great warriors, perilous mountains and vast lands and epic struggles. And that's what I felt like I was getting ready to read about when I finished. To be honest, I just skimmed the last few paragraphs b/c all that was happening was some information about various continents, or as I like to call it, info-dump. And info-dump is the number one way to get your reader to stop reading.

Like I said, the most interesting thing you've got going is the little parts of characterization of the old man.
Like this, this was good. But it's just out there. There isn't anyone else around to observe if this feeble old man was sitting in a small home with a room full of children, or hunched over many books in an ancient library with one flickering candle or anything like that. Just a voice.

A note on the story, "Rand" is the name of one of the major characters of The Eye of the World, Book One in The Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan, so it's kind of a rip to use his name, b/c any reader of fantasy is automatically going to think of that, if they've read it (regardless of how good it is to all you WoT haters out there). It's enormously popular and most likely, fanatsy readers will make the connection.

Another story note: At first the old man sounds feeble and humble, but then he's like, "Oh, I've gone through the trouble of dividing it all into 7 chronological stories." which sounded odd for a dying old man to be able to do. That's quite a lot of work, unless he's been compiling over the years, but it sounds like he's done this since the last time whoever he's talking to was there.

You said this was the third draft and by that time, even the smallest grammatical errors should be fixed, but here are a couple. I'll bold what it should be and you can fix it. And I'll red what should be taken out.
Lol, I little irony there I thought.

Overall, I think this was a victim of one of the first rules of writing. Show, don't Tell. Think about it. Am I, the reader, going to remember any of the geographic information you displayed by the time the story gets there, or if it even does get there? Most likely not. And are things like the "two craggy mountains" of Draga important? Do they have an impact on the story? I understand you want to create an image for the reader, but until the story gets there, I'm sure that there's something else more important that can be written about.

Yeah, I know, I just reemed it all. Whether you take it or leave it, it's up to you, but like I said, the best thing you've got going is the characterization of the old man. The rest isn't anything I've never read before or even thought of myself.

I thought that a little funny. You pointing out what people who critique on this site will leave out when you've only got 7 posts. Been doing your share of critiquing I see, been posting the correct way. And I'm sure he thanked you much for all your praise and ego-boosting.

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PsIMsP

wow...okay, your a fucking moron.

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Take a look at my work

50 Men

TheReMonstor

Hot dog! I'd have put up an unfathomable amount of money on getting a response just like that.

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PsIMsP

Good for you

(please lord let ReMonster shut the fuck up now)

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Take a look at my work

50 Men

Randatos

Ah, thanks both of you for replies (although the arguing I could do without!)

@PsIMsP:Thanks much for the ego boost! Looking back on the transition from Rand to the Orthan doesn't seem to make much sense now. It's his last name, if none of you picked it up. And also, yes, I have been working on this for some time. A good many years, in fact. It's been the main story in my mind for a good long time.

@TheReMonstor:Well, I knew someone would post with some negative critacism, but thats why I posted, to improve. Thanks for the help with the grammar. When I go to the next draft, I'm not really simply changing things around, I'm actually sort of rewriting it. When I was typing it last night (bad idea, I was half asleep; my typing is bad enough as it is) my notebook that houses the second draft was lieing on my desk alsmost untouched.

I definately see your point in using Rand, but the problem is that I've been using the name 'Rand Orthan' for half of my life as the protagonist of all of my stories. It would seem odd to change it, or use one different completely. The nature of his name itself is actually part of the story. Well, I guess I'll have to change it at some point.

Thirdly, you've got a big point that I'm showing, not telling. My constant plague is starting out with an info dump. Especially towards the end, where I stop changing things from the second to third drafts heavily. In the second draft the first part (the one detailing the characters) was just as dump-ish as the first. Maybe by the fourth draft I'll have it all ironed out.


Thanks again to both of you for your varying ideas. Big help. But next time, argue in PMs, eh? :-P