Dear Diary... Today I finally gave up - Writers Forum

Reddragon · 04-09-2006, 05:24 AM

Erm.. hello all, I'm new here and have decided to post something. I'm 16 and have been writing for about a year, however I have only done fan fiction and people on those boards don't often give any Constructive Critism, it's usually only. "Hey I really like this, more soon please." So any help would be appreciated. So uh yeah, this is my new piece.

Disclaimer:

This piece deals with self harm

Dear Diary,
Today I finally gave up...

I stared down at my arm as blood poured from it, my vision starting to waver from a mixture ofblood loss and too many pills, but it's what I wanted... I did it didn't I? My vision went completely and I heard a loud thump as my body connected with the ground. There was a rushing of feet and i felt someone take my hand, a voice calling my name faintly before I gave into the blackness.

Spazola · 04-09-2006, 10:01 AM

You description is good, but there is a such thing as too much--there's no story in this piece, just a description of someone committing suicide.

It might be good if you were planning on telling the story backwards (that being the introduction, then following with the time leading up to the person's death). I'd have to be able to read more to get a good feel of it, though.

Keep writing! <3

enigmaticuser · 04-09-2006, 01:37 PM

a little to short too comment on

Reddragon · 04-09-2006, 08:29 PM

Thanks guys... Spazola, unfortunatly I have a little too much written to change it now, but I'll defaintly keep taht in mind for future pieces.

Dear Diary,
Why save me?

My eyes fluttered open and I blinked as they met a vast whiteness, was I dead? I smiled at this thought before my sense of smell kicked in and I realized that I wasn't in heaven, but hospital. There was a movement beside me and the next minute my brother Harry's face entered my vision, full of worry.
"Thank god you're awake, I was so scared I was going to lose you," he greeted me and I responded by looking up at him coldly.
"Chloe, darl... don't do this to me, don't shove me out like this," he begged and I looked into his piercing blue eyes, a trait we didn't share.
"Why didn't you just let me go?" I asked and tears started flowing from my eyes. However I was oblivious to them, I never noticed them anymore because they were so constant.
"Chloe don't talk like that, I never want to lose you," he choked out, his own tears now forming, he would know of them. Pulling down the sheet he climbed into the bed next to me, pulling me close to him as if he was afraid that I'd fade away if he let go... I wish. Gingerly he took my arm in his hand and stroked it, stroked the scars that were now a permanent reminder of my heartache. I never planned to live long enough to let them be that.