enigmaticuser

This part is a bit longer...it's about 2300 words. I had cut it down, but then the only feedback I got said they wanted the whole thing...so here it is fully restored and unedited...well actually has been edited, but you know what I mean. Anyways, I don't remember if I mentioned this earlier but the name of the village was changed to Kinema. Thanks for visiting!



“You know Sedura, you’re the best girlfriend in Kinema,” Morav said as he hooked his arm around her neck pulling her close. His face was redder than normal, but that was because his now empty stein had been filled more times than usual.

Sedura leaned back, her face crinkled and her eyes batted at the thick stench wafting from his gaped mouth. “Thanks…” She made an effort to smile and failed miserably. “It means a lot.” A crash of pottery turned her head away from her drunkenly affectionate beau. I turned too. A serving girl hurried to gather up the fallen shards of a washing bowl.

This was one of the several village inns that had been decorated for the celebration that was already starting in homes across the region. It was now the day after the five had come to my cabin. Revelers were making their way to the town center, hoping to be there before the real main events started after nightfall. Turning back from the accident, my eyes lingered on Mattek who sat at the bar away from the table where Morav and Sedura sat.

I could have been angry seeing the two main perpetraitors enjoying themselves on a night of celebration, at least a part of which was at my expense. I could have been. I should have been. I turned from Mattek, feeling the edges of smile pushing back my cheeks. I had intended to strike quickly, but then I understood the motive of the invasion. Timing makes for irony. Irony makes for sweet retribution.

Yet, patience for such timing did not mean inaction. I followed Morav, never letting him out of my sight. He had not passed on my mother’s pendant. After the thieves had delivered the remains of the veal, Sedura, Geor and Frit each returned to their homes. While Mattek and Morav walked to their family residences which were near to each other. Morav then told Mattek what he had taken from me.

It was funny to me how they looked around nervously as though they might be watched when Morav produced the jewelry. Not once did either mention the possible consequences of their actions. I might not have done all the things attributed to me, but they must have believed a lot of them. What? Did they think I wouldn’t notice or care? The arrogance of youth.

The man said to his friend that he intended to give the pendant to Sedura as a token of promise for her hand. Rob me? And gain her too? I licked my lips, feeling as though the anger seething inside had dried them. Yet I was not so blinded that I missed a very curious thing. I saw hate flash in Mattek’s eyes.

For twenty-one years I lived among these people, cursed from age four when I murdered my parents. In those years after, I thought I had learned the ways of everyone. I knew most of them better than their friends and family did. Yet in all that time I had never realized the depth of animus that could live in a friend’s heart. Everything I could remember that linked Mattek to Morav passed through my mind’s eye.

Sedura. A smile pressed into my face.

The two soon parted—more from Mattek’s initiative then necessity. My instinct was to follow Sedura’s boyfriend, part of me thought to take it then—but I decided again to wait—instead I followed Mattek. I followed no more than six paces behind. Into the evening sun we walked, with me in his shadow. We turned a side avenue towards his home. It was empty and featureless, but the man stopped.

His shoulders rose upwards, a heavy breath filling his lungs. I could see the muscle of his forearm tensing beneath the skin. With a curse, his right fist thrust outward striking a plaster wall with the egde of his curled hand. The smile returned—this was useful. His hand came off, coated white with dust, a stroke like red lightning across its edge where the skin had broken. Mattek glanced at a crimson ridge on the textured surface then massaging his injured hand, he turned away.

Five minutes later, we were at his house. While he entered by the front door, I slipped in through his bedroom window just before his door slid open along it's wooden groove. He closed it behind him, and flopped face down on his cot. My eyes fell on a plain box on a shelf at his head. The near symmetry to what had been done to me, did not go unnoticed.

Strange how items small enough to fit in a box can change the course of a life. Without a sound, I crept to the shelf, removed the lid, and waited for the wind. It wouldn’t need to be much. A moment later the curtains waved; I reached into the box, removing a piece of folded parchment and dropped it end first onto the floor. The sound was weak, but enough to stir him.

Red eyes lifted from the pillow and soon fell on the letter. Recognition. He cast his hand out, walking it forward on his fingers as though the attached arm had no strength. He pulled the letter to him and unfolded it. In my endless exploration of the town, I had found this letter some months ago, but until today had forgotten it as one of many irrelevant details. His brief grimace of hate had recalled it to me. It was a love letter to Sedura he had written about a month after Sedura and Morav began their courtship.

I know I waited too long, I remembered the words. I should have said all of this while you were still free. He went on in honey sweet words to tell of his regret in waiting, but that he had to tell of his feelings then. He had meant to deliver the letter the moment it was written, but still too timid he waited three more weeks. By then it was too late, she had decided her love. She returned the letter. When he got it back, he added something else at the bottom. Never wait. There are only first chances. Take them. Never concede.

Mattek’s fist closed suddenly on the letter. His face deepened to crimson, his mind lifting a heavy burden. Decision. The arrow had been strung in my bow.

That was an hour ago. Now in a steeped roof tavern of wood decorated with reds, greens and a smattering of gold, I watched the man with the same look guzzle down another mug of beer. In front of him, entwined were the objects of his envy and of his desire.

“Hey, I have an idea,” Sedura turned back from the distraction of the dropped pottery.

“What’s that?” he inquired playfully.

“How about we go down to the square…The dances will be going by now, and you can buy me a feathered hat!”

“That’s sounds like a great idea…” his words became drawn out towards the end. The alcohol wasn’t slurring them yet, but rather his mind was trying to remember something. “Feathered…feathers…” His eyes suddenly brightened. Pulling his arm from around her neck he patted his pockets down looking for something that wasn’t there. “Hey how bout this!” His hands came up forming a square as if to frame his words. “You go down there, and I’ll meet in about a half hour!”

“What?”

“I got something for you, but I have to go get it!” I looked past the pair. Mattek had stopped drinking and was paying very strict attention.

“A present?” She mirrored her boyfriend’s ecstatic face.

“Yep! I’ll meet you there!” He bolted for the door, almost knocking down a serving girl standing behind him.

Sedura just shook her head, and started after him. As she stepped out Mattek rose to follow, and I after him. The street outside was lit but empty, it didn’t matter though, on a night like this the people tended to forget precautions. The woman walked along in a kind of meandering daze, her face casting aimlessly about, her steps light as elation. Mattek walked at a distance at first, but then quickened his pace to catch up.

“Hey Sedura!” He called out waving as he did. She turned back, normally she would have been agitated by his attention but at the moment she didn’t seem to mind.

“What is it?” She asked walking backwards while talking, with her hands holding a shawl about her torso.

He trotted up in front of her. “I just thought you might like some company?” She shrugged and turned around, but didn’t object. “Um…mind if I ask you something private?”

I didn’t have to see to know Sedura had just rolled her eyes. “Mattek…” She whined.

He let out a sigh, but would not be deterred—he knew his time was short. “It’s just that I know Morav is about to ask for you hand, and I don’t think he’s right for you!” He blurted out gesturing with his hands as though he could ward off her defenses.

I’d never seen Sedura move so fast. In the blink of an eye she had stopped and turned about. Her expression changed as fast as mountain weather. It blushed with embarrassment and hope, then clouded with anger. “What business of yours is that?” Her words rolled out hard and biting. “Even if Morav wasn’t the one for me, that’s my choice! Once and for all there will never be a you and me!”

I smiled still more. My intent was that Mattek would hurt Morav, but it didn’t bother me if both were hurt before the end of the night. I hurt like that all the time. And then you steal from me? Now you can hurt too!

Sedura’s hardened face, pulled back, melting to white fear. I looked to Mattek, the hatred was back. Now it was pointed at Sedura. No! Morav is the one!

Mattek grabbed her by the upper arm and jerked her towards him. “Never huh? Never? Never is a very long time!” His eyes turned to a dark alley on their left. “I’m so much worse than he is, right?” He pulled her into the shadows. The last thing I saw before darkness covered her face was pale dread.

“Let go! What are you doing?” Her voice came out higher, terror dripping from her protest. “Let me go or I’ll—“ The sound of a slap silenced her.

Still I stood in the street, staring blankly, my plan was falling apart. I heard dragging, but no voice. I stayed in the street. They would do worse to you if the situation was reversed, I said to myself. Besides she was with them. She was a party to their crime. What does it matter to me what they do amongst themselves? I’m damned already. What’s one more sin on my way to hell?



My breath came raggedly through my nose. With all my strength I couldn’t budge Mattek’s hand from my mouth. I thrashed my legs out, alternately kicking and digging my heels into the ground. It was no use. He had me about the waist. My attacks couldn’t reach him, and he was taller so when I dragged he just pulled me off the ground.

Tears came to my eyes as I fought. Helpless! You can’t do anything, I despaired. My hands lashed out trying to cling to anything, but my fingers slipped from everything they touched. I brought them back to his hand cupped over my mouth, with the strength of desperation I dug my nails into his hand and wrist, then bit his palm.

Cursing, He pulled the salty flesh from my mouth. “Mattek, please don’t do this! Please—“ he hit me again, harder. We came around another corner where there was dim yellow light coming through a stained window. He threw me down inside the glowing silhouette. Landing on my back, I rolled over, ignored the pain and tried to crawl away.

I felt his hands grab me by the shoulders. I knew I was out of fight. That’s when his grip suddenly tore loose. Surprised, I turned again to see what looked like him falling backward and up. He crashed against the window’s edge and over a barrel. Sitting up, he looked about with wide eyes and broken movement, he saw nothing—we saw nothing. D.

Mattek swung out, but missed. His head cocked to the side with the crack of his jaw. His collar turned into rolls as the invisible demon lifted him and slammed him back against the wall. Mattek reached out and grabbed something—it must have been D’s neck.

Before he could use his one advantage, he doubled over from an unseen blow to his stomach. He lurched forward across the alley, slamming face first into the clay wall on the other side. He tried to pull back, but his face was held against the surface and then pressed along on his right side. His face was grated like a tomato leaving a scarlet arc on gray. Mattek dropped, the lacerations on his face pulsing blood down his neck.

He looked to me. I wasn’t sure whether to feel pity or not. Another crack turned his head and he dropped into the dirt. Still looking at him, I saw the prints of two bare feet beside his head. The edges of the dirt twisted, he’s looking at me.

I shrunk back between two barrels as tight against the wall as I could. My hands came up to block my face, but I couldn’t keep from watching—watching what I could not see. "What do you want?" The imagined answers pushed sobs from my throat. Still watching the impressions, I saw them twist around. Dirt jumped into the air over them, then other puffs appeared as he fled.

He ran away?

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I try to review as much as I am reviewed...or more =)

My current stories: Evil D: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12
Adam: Breathe In, Foot Falls, Senses and Patterns, Eden, The Lord and the Master ---->Abandoned or at least shelved...

enigmaticuser

I shortened this, apparently I went overboard this time...sorry! I do get carried away.

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I try to review as much as I am reviewed...or more =)

My current stories: Evil D: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12
Adam: Breathe In, Foot Falls, Senses and Patterns, Eden, The Lord and the Master ---->Abandoned or at least shelved...

Blackhawk_t

Imagine you are at Starbucks, you order a venti whatever and it's full when you sit down. You can't drink it right then because you don't have time. You come back later and find that the bottom half of the coffee is gone. That's what if felt like when I came back to read this story. I saw it was waaaay long, so I waited until later in the day. The kids are asleep, just me, the puter, and old Evil D Chapter 5. I open up the thread, and began to weep uncontrollably after I saw that most of it was gone.

Off Topic:

Okay, here is a wierd question. Evil D is an invisible demon who killed his parents when he was four. Was he invisible his whole life, or just when he got older? With that said, if he was invisible his whole life, how did his parents know when he was born, other than the birthing pains? Why didn't they accidentally step on him while he was playing in the middle of the living room, and most importantly, how did they change his diaper's? Especially the messy ones? Cuz you know they didn't always get every little bit. Maybe that is why he killed them...hmmmm? (Finger tapping side of head, thinking to self) I'll bet that they had a fun time potty training him too. He could have snuck out while they were changing diapers and left an invisible mess in the middle of the room and nobody could have found it. Sorry bout the rant, but just a few questions I had running through my head. I had a lot of quiet time at work the other day.

Anyway's, this is a nice edition. Just a few minor things I noticed. Granted it's your story, but perhaps these can help.

Quote:

His face was redder than normal, but that was because his now empty stein had been filled more times than normal.

Repetition real close together.

Quote:

She made an effort to smile and failing miserably.

what about 'ed'?

Quote:

This was one of the several village inns that had been decorated for the celebration that was already starting in homes across the region. It was now the night after the five had come to my cabin, and revelers were making their way to the town center even as I continued to wait on my own plans.

The first sentence didn't flow quite right, it made sense, but to me seemed awkward. Maybe because you used was twice? Was it the same night, or the next day night? I would set this up differently. Give a little more suspense towards his cunningness.

Quote:

My instinct was to follow Sedura’s boyfriend, part of me again thought to take it now—but I decided again to wait—instead I followed Mattek. I followed no more than six paces behind. Into the evening sun we walked, with me in his shadow. We turned a side avenue towards his home, it was empty and still some distance from his destination, but the man stopped.

[PRCFP, template] I would reword this sentence. You used the word 'again' twice. Maybe something like: My instinct was to follow Sedura’s boyfriend, part of me again thought to take it now, but instead, I followed Mattek. An example for this would be: distance from his front door, but he stopped.

Quote:

I could see muscle like rope beneath his skin bulging. With a curse, his right fist thrust outward striking a plaster wall so hard that he left blood.

The first sentence made absolutely no sense to me. I can't even speculate on what I think it was meant to be. The second sentence could have a little somethin somethin added to it. Like: so hard that he broke skin, blood smeared upon the paint. You can do whatever, but I think you could really hype this part up.

Quote:

door slid open along wooden groove.

Did you intend to put a 'the' in between?

Quote:

Without a sound, I crept to the shelf and removed the lid. Then I waited for the wind, it wouldn’t need to be much. A moment later the curtains waved; I reached into the box, removing a piece of folded parchment and dropped it end first onto the floor. The sound was weak, but it was enough to stir him.

I would connect the first sentence together. Such as: In silence, I crept to the shelf and removed the lid, and waited for the wind, it wouldn’t need to be much. The last sentence, I think those two words could be omitted.

Quote:

It was a love letter to Sedura he had written about a month after Sedura and Morav had begun their courtship.

Maybe change it to just 'began'?

I like the way this story is coming along. Yet I still wish I had the rest to read. Good work.

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enigmaticuser

Yeah, yeah...but I'm impatient. You'd think by 24 I'd have learned...but patience...no matter how much you learn there's always more you still can =) I waited till I saw like 16 views without a comment and thought it was too long. I guess I should have faith. If someone has bothered to read 4 parts already, they'll probably put up with a long 5th.

I think I'm going to go ahead and put up the second half with this one. I didn't feel right cutting it in half anyways...the second piece really needs the first for emotional support =) Sorry, I doubted.

Thanks for your advice too, you scared me though. I'm looking down and I see what at first looks like red and blue just slashed across my work. But then I imagined that venti at starbucks and all was made well. Actually I'm a green tea person, make it every morning and night here in my barracks room. Anyways. Thanks though, I took most of it.

Lastly. As to your questions, all very reasonable. I can imagine the doctors while the mom's pushing D out.
"Push yeah...um...yeah keep pushing."
"I AM PUSHING!!!"
"Yeah...um...I think I should see something by now...you're REALLY dialated...dang..."
But seriously. I don't want to spoil the story too much, but I'll point out that D was "cursed from age four". He wasn't born invisible. Secondly. Bear in mind when imaging my mythos. That I am telling it from at least two perspectives. This is the world through two seperate sets of eyes.

All will be revealed in time.

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I try to review as much as I am reviewed...or more =)

My current stories: Evil D: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12
Adam: Breathe In, Foot Falls, Senses and Patterns, Eden, The Lord and the Master ---->Abandoned or at least shelved...

Serenade

I loved it, from chapter to chapter. So much that I didn't really try to find any mistakes. I'll try to get to that another time, but so far the story is very intersting. Waiting to read more.

enigmaticuser

Thanks Seren. I just like feedback, good or bad, just to know it's being read =)

Ps> You should put a link to your story in your sig, so people can return the favor =)

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I try to review as much as I am reviewed...or more =)

My current stories: Evil D: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12
Adam: Breathe In, Foot Falls, Senses and Patterns, Eden, The Lord and the Master ---->Abandoned or at least shelved...

Cold Twilight

Hmmm. I'm liking it more and more. I'll be back for the editing part, lol. I don't have the time right now... But that means more good reading later!

As for putting stuff in the sig...lol, how in the world do you do that?

Please do keep writing, the suspense is very hard to take.

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If anyone critiqued, and I didn't return it, please let me know!
Poetry: Armageddon, Haunt Fox, Debonair Stranger, Riddle In Red, I Walk In Shadow

lol. Help a newly hungry werewolf anyone? http://world5.monstersgame.co.uk/?ac=vid&vid=59161464
How about becoming a Knight?http://world4.knightfight.co.uk/?ac=vid&vid=96062742

enigmaticuser

up in the right, under your name click edit signature. Then just put a hyper link in your sig, with the blue highlight replaced by the title of the piece you want to refrence too. Oh yeah when it asks where to link to you have to have the address of your thread.

__________________
I try to review as much as I am reviewed...or more =)

My current stories: Evil D: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12
Adam: Breathe In, Foot Falls, Senses and Patterns, Eden, The Lord and the Master ---->Abandoned or at least shelved...

Serenade

Yeah, I just did it as well, thanks for the tip. Still looking forward to reading more, too.


Edit: Thought I did...Ah well.

Edit edit: Actually did, but posted before I changed it. Haha so everything's okay.

Wisp

Hey Enig Sorry I havn't gotten to these sooner. However, since this one is so long, I'm only going to do a read through and tell you my thoughts.

First of all, this was well written, basic, and had a very good flow. Nice job. There isn't much I can say that was bad, except that after elipses (...) make sure you don't capitilize the words. (example: It was dark... cold)

Thirdly, the fight between D and Mattek was nicely done, and I liked how you refered to his one advantage. Also, good transfer from D to Sedura.

----+++++---.....,,
=====+=--NICE ]]]
***JOB --)))####
````````````````

Danny77

Should there be a comma after neck?


Again Im not sure, but should there be a comma after mattek and/or bar?

It doesnt seem right to begin that second sentence with "while". I'd either change that to a comma, or reword it.

Nice interesting tidbit here. Well placed and well put.

This is just personal preference, but I never likie it whenever anyone uses "minds eye".

Should you maybe say "young man"?

Comma unnecessary.

Again, I thought he was too young to be called a man? Parhaps not though.

That should be the end of the sentence.

Not sure I like that analogy. To me, Elation is only sometimes light.

There should be a period here too.

Comma after attention.

Right here the reader knows who is speaking. I think you could do without the "she asked" You could reword that something like this: "What is it" She walked backwards while talking..."

"your" hand.

Again we know who is talking, so you could get rid of the "he blurted" and reword it.

That sounds strange. Perhaps... "I smiled all the more."

Get rid of the first comma.

"I stood still in the street" sounds better.

I'd put "watching as my plan fell apart." Or make it a seperate sentence.

Good description.



I didn't like this as much as the previous works. And up until the fight at the end it was a bit boring. With all the sentence and comma problems, this peice seemed a bit rushed. You also used a few words in there that were beyond me, and I'm never for that, but maybe I'm just illiterate:p

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Cold Twilight

Ok, sorry this took so very long. Hope this helps/makes sense.

I'd have to agree with Danny. It needs a comma after 'neck'

Just a tense change was needed. Could say 'face crinkling' instead, but would still have to use 'eyes batting' then...


Need a better transition between character POV here...

Cool story. Lot's of neat turns of phrase too. Sorry, but I didn't have time to point out the really neat sentences... Looking forward to seeing more!

__________________
If anyone critiqued, and I didn't return it, please let me know!
Poetry: Armageddon, Haunt Fox, Debonair Stranger, Riddle In Red, I Walk In Shadow

lol. Help a newly hungry werewolf anyone? http://world5.monstersgame.co.uk/?ac=vid&vid=59161464
How about becoming a Knight?http://world4.knightfight.co.uk/?ac=vid&vid=96062742