No Secret of Mine - Writers Forum

sanctuary · 04-06-2006, 07:39 PM

Wrote it for a friend...what do you think?.....

No Secret of Mine

Jake Marshall cursed under his breath as he scrambled for the ringing phone, knocking over a pile of paperwork in the process.
“Hello?” he asked, agitation clear in his voice.
“May I speak to Mr. Marshall please? It’s urgent.” The feminine voice on the line sounded anxious and fearful, putting Jake on edge.
“This is he. May I asked who’s calling?” he replied calmly, as well as politely, trying to put the frantic woman at ease.
“ I desperately need your help. My name is Marie Kerrington, and I-“ she broke off suddenly, her voice cracking as the tears that threatened her spilled rapidly down her cheeks.
“Miss Kerrington, is everything all right?” Jake’s face twisted in confusion as Marie babbled on in an unintelligible manner as she continued to sob. Then he understood the two words that she was repeating over and over. Dead body.

“Miss Kerrington. Miss. MARIE!” Jake’s voice rose as he tried to get the weeping woman’s attention.
“Please…you’ve got to help me,” was her response.
“Lady, believe me, I’d help you if I understood anything that just came out of your mouth. Can you please calm down and start over.”
“I’m sorry it’s just that…there’s so much blood, everywhere I look. Even her face is covered in it.”
“Miss, could you please tell me what the hell is going on? Whose blood is it? Have you committed a crime? And, for God’s sake, why are you telling me this and not the police?” Jake was confused, and that made him angry. How was he supposed to help the woman if he didn’t know what the hell was going on?
“I haven’t done a thing, except find my best friend dead! You have to believe me when I say I didn’t do it. And she was the one who told me to call you!”
“Wait. Are you telling me that a dead body gave you my number? Or was she still alive when you found her?” Although it may seem heartless, Jake sincerely hoped it was the latter. He didn’t want to deal with another fanatic who insisted that their murdered relative had talked to them and had named their killer from beyond the grave, but that was another case entirely.
“Ray told me that if anything dire were to happen to her, I should call you. And now she’s dead so I guess this qualifies as a ‘dire’ situation, don’t you think?” Marie’s voice rose hysterically as panic set in. “Mark could be in danger as well. Please, will you just help me?”
“I need the name of the deceased.”
“Her name is…was Rachel Gerund, but you may have known her as Ray. Ray Crow.”
The name slammed into him like a ton of bricks. Ray Crow was accused of murder ten years ago, and she was his first case. All of the evidence had pointed towards her, and she would have been convicted if he hadn’t helped her out. Another woman, in a jealous rage, had killed her best friend, only because he was in love with Ray. He had, quite literally, saved her life when that same woman tried to kill her.
“Where are you right now?” he asked impatiently, he couldn’t do anything to help Ray while she was alive, but he’ll find her killer if it was the last damn thing he ever did.

The house was huge and foreboding as Jake drove up its driveway. How appropriate, he thought; a dreary house, the perfect place for a murder. The interior of the dwelling was no better; everything seemed artificial, and it felt like no one really lived there. The rooms were grand, yet cold, and all were spotless, except for the kitchen. Ray’s body lay in the middle of the floor, her lifeless eyes staring at the high ceiling.
“Who could have done this?” he asked himself aloud. Turning to Marie, he asked if there was anyone in or near the house when it happened.
“No one was home. Mark had school, and her husband, Ethan, is on a business trip. He should be back sometime today. She didn’t have any other family or friends that live here.”
As Jake heard her response, he peered around the room, noticing something odd.
“How come there are no photographs anywhere?”’
“Oh. Ethan’s childhood pictures were destroyed in a fire when he was in college, and Ray agreed not to put up any new ones up because it upset him.”
“Why would it upset him to see the new memories he had made with his family? That makes no sense whatsoever.”
“Well, there are some boxes in the attic that haven’t been unpacked. I believe one of them is Ethan’s if you want to go through it.”

The attic was a storage place for a bunch of old memorabilia. Old toys and junk that should have been disposed of years ago managed to accumulate itself in the room, taking up more space each passing year. Located amid all the piles of stuff was a box with Ethan’s name on it.
“All of this stuff and only one box that belongs to him? I guess he travels light.”
The boxes’ contents were: old baseball cards, some old reports and such, a ball and glove, and two pieces of paper that could solve the case instantly.
One was a birth certificate.
The other was a photograph of a young woman on her graduation day; She had her brother at her side.
The attic door flew open as the last pieces of the puzzle fell into place.

Jake spun around and came face to face with a .35magnum. It’s wielder, the man who called himself Ethan Gerund.
“Ethan, what are you doing?” Cried Marie as she looked at the gun in alarm.
“Save your breath Marie. That Man isn’t Ethan Gerund. I doubt a man by that name ever existed.” Jake smiled grimly as he faced Ray’s murderer.
“How perceptive of you. It’s a shame though, because now I have to kill you,” the impostor said smugly.
“What do you mean Mr. Marshall? Of course this is Ethan.”
“No, you may know him as Ethan, but his real name is Matthew Rinaldi. Brother to Samantha Rinaldi, the woman who tried to kill Ray ten years ago.”
“She only did it because Rachel was a manipulative bitch,” Matthew said fiercely. “It is her fault that my sister lost the love of her life, and was arrested.”
“Your sister killed him, not Ray. You can just ask her yourself.”
“I can never ask her. Sam killed herself nine years ago. The only thing left was a note that she had written, blaming Rachel. It was Ray’s fault that my sister is dead, so I had to get my revenge. Ray fell in love with Ethan, never knowing that she really loved me, the man who hated her. I kept up the ruse, planning to make her suffer.” He smiled maliciously at that, “After we had married, I distanced myself from Ray, wanting her to feel the distress I felt when I lost my sister, but no, she had to go and get pregnant! With Mark around she was never alone, and was never unhappy. So I had to make her pay. And so she did. I sent Mark to a boarding school, knowing fully well that she would be alone in this house. And I made my move this morning. Ray thought I was on a business trip, but I came back early and I got her good. She begged for mercy, but I couldn’t stop. I just kept stabbing her until she lay still. My sister’s soul will be at peace because that bitch is dead, and she suffered as much as Samantha did.” He looked at Jake and Marie in turn. “And now you have to die as well.”

As Matt pulled the gun up to shoot, Jake leaped at him, throwing both himself and his attacker off balance. Marie edged past as they struggled for control of the gun, running downstairs to call the police. As She yelled at an officer to bring help, a shot rang off above her. Then everything went quiet. She slammed the phone down and went up to the attic door, looking into the room.
Matthew lay clutching his shoulder as blood dripped through his fingers, Jake standing over him with the gun pointed at his heart.
“Ray didn’t deserve to die for your sister’s mistakes. I should kill you now.”
Marie gasped at that, the blood draining from her face.
“But death is the easy way out. You’ll suffer for the rest of your life knowing you killed a woman and ruined the life of your child. He’s now an orphan, and he’ll never forgive you for it.”

The police arrived in minutes, Arresting Matthew Rinaldi. Jake looked back at the foreboding house as he drove away. The house held so many secrets; if only walls could talk, he thought as he left behind the death and destruction of the day, wondering what tomorrow would bring.

Anarachysjustpeachy · 04-06-2006, 09:06 PM

“Lady, believe me, I’d help you if I understood anything that just came out of your mouth. Can you please calm down and start over.”
Needs to be a question mark.

“I’m sorry it’s just that…there’s so much blood, everywhere I look. Even her face is covered in it.”
That's kinda a cliched line and the dialogue is kinda choppy..

“I can never ask her. Sam killed herself nine years ago. The only thing left was a note that she had written, blaming Rachel. It was Ray’s fault that my sister is dead, so I had to get my revenge. Ray fell in love with Ethan, never knowing that she really loved me, the man who hated her. I kept up the ruse, planning to make her suffer.”

Soap opera-esque, if you ask me. You have a plot, it just aint strong enough. Give it some life by making the characters more relateable. How probable does this feel to you when you read it?

I was once told in an english class that great writers write what they know well enough to make the unbelievable believable. Just reference some of King's work or if you're book-shy read: Titania and Dephere. They're good onsite talespinners that I've read. Ilan has some really good stuff too.

And bud is cross-gender, meaning pal or friend, when I say it. =)

sanctuary · 04-06-2006, 09:10 PM

It was written in 5 min for a 12th grade english class by a 15 year old......not meant to be datailed...but i would like to extend it and wondered if i needed some thing...like a stronger plot and more detail...and it was a murder mystery assaignment....so only length mattered not detail( 4 page maximum)
thanx for the advice....dude.....

Titania · 04-06-2006, 09:41 PM

Quote:

if you're book-shy read: Titania and Dephere

I'm flattered. Really I am...

Anyway. Let me see if I can help any

I'll try and point out specific problems I see first, and then talk about overall. Hope I can help.

Quote:

her voice cracking as the tears that threatened her spilled rapidly down her cheeks

Ok, one thing here. He's talking on the phone with her, and it seems like you're sort of in his point of view, so he can't see her tears. You could say she sounded like she was crying, or something along those lines, but I wouldn't describe visually... phone conversations are tricky.

Quote:

Jake’s face twisted in confusion as Marie babbled on in an unintelligible manner as she continued to sob

repetition w/ 'as'- maybe:
...as Marie babbled on in an unintelligible manner, continuing to sob

Quote:

Or was she still alive when you found her?” Although it may seem heartless, Jake sincerely hoped it was the latter.

Why would that seem heartless to want her to have been alive when she was found?...

Quote:

Ray Crow was accused of murder ten years ago, and she was his first case

tense problems, needs to be like this:
Ray Crow had been accused of murder ten years ago, and she had been his first case.

Quote:

Another woman, in a jealous rage, had killed her best friend, only because he was in love with Ray. He had, quite literally, saved her life when that same woman tried to kill her.

What? This is confusing, I can't tell who's who

Who's "he"?

Quote:

How appropriate, he thought; a dreary house, the perfect place for a murder

semicolon should either be a comma or a colon

Quote:

if there was anyone in or near the house when it happened

if there had been anyone...

Quote:

The other was a photograph of a young woman on her graduation day; She had her brother at her side.

She shouldn't be capitalized and you could just say:
The other was a photograph of a young woman on her graduation day, her brother at her side
just suggestion, of course

there's a couple other places that odd words were capitalized, like She and Arresting.

Hmm, I think the plot has potential but I agree with Anarachy that the characters need to be filled out more. Try adding more of what the characters are thinking and feeling, instead of just having the dialogue and a bit of description alongside it. In particular, the character of Marie could use some work... she really doesn't seem to have any place other than telling Jake about the murder and after that she seems pretty lifeless, almost as if she isn't even there.

One place is Matthew's little tirade... try breaking it up some. Talk about how he's screaming at them, waving the gun around, or else about how calm he is, calculating, utterly relaxed as if it was all a routine occurrence, or about the twisted pride in his tone. Maybe add more of Jake's internal reaction to this.

Again, ok plot, and not too much by way of grammar (yay), but you could develop the characters a lot more. For something written in 5 mins it's certainly well done

Thanks for sharing, and this was all intended to help!

sanctuary · 04-07-2006, 10:38 AM

thank you for the advice. I really wanted to develop this more, and now I know how. Maybe i'll write another wis the main character and make it clearer......