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Old 04-06-2006, 07:18 PM   #1
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The Creeping Darkness- Part 1

Really just a prologue, but...

THE CREEPING DARKNESS- PART 1



“Come on! You know you want to!” Michael says from his usual position on top of the balcony. I open my eyes. He’s starting to annoy me…

He wants me to go out to the pizza store with him and his friend, David. I keep on telling him that I can’t because I have to finish my homework. Sometimes Mike doesn’t understand that I get more homework because I’m older. He always tries to be so mature….

“No I don’t!” I yell. It’s getting hard to concentrate. “Why would I want to go out with you and your snot-nosed friend, anyway?” Mike obviously didn’t expect this because he looked really sad.

Then he did something that really surprised me. Normally he doesn’t show much emotion, but he says in the saddest voice I’ve ever heard, “Please, brother. You know how much I look up to you…” He has a really downcast expression on his face as well. He looks up to me? Do I always try to act older that I am…?

I sigh. I realize the quickest way to get this over with would be to give in. So I say, “Fine, if it means that much to you. But I’m going to do my homework the entire time.” Michael’s face instantly lights up. He looks overjoyed.
“Really? You’re going? Hooray!” he screams. Suddenly, he wobbles on the balcony… a little too much. Michael screams again, but not out of joy this time. “Brother, help!”

Without thinking, I start to run towards the stairs. But as I get closer I think it will be easier to catch him as he falls, rather than stop him from falling. So I stop under Michael and yell, “Just fall, I’ll catch you!” As I dashed toward him it became increasingly obvious that he wasn’t going to be able to steady himself
this time.

“No! I can help myself!” Maybe he was right. He wasn’t flailing about as much anymore….

Suddenly, a laugh echoes all throughout the house. An evil laugh. And a deep, raspy, guttural voice says, “And you will have the pleasure of watching your brother die, first hand!” I looked back up at Mike and saw him staring further down along the balcony. He had regained most of his balance, but he was still in danger. Anyway, I follow Mike’s gaze and see a tall man with a long beard and thick mustache and dark skin walking menacingly towards Michael. And the weirdest thing about this man are his eyes. They are a deep red in the iris, and slightly yellow around the rims.

The man looks down at me, all the while going closer toward Michael. Who is he, and how did he get in here? “Hey Gramps-” I start, but he interrupts me.

“Mlinger! You’d do well to remember that!” the man yells angrily. Yeesh. I guess that’s his name.

“Okay, Mlinger, or whatever, how’d you get in here?” I shout up at him. He’s getting closer to Mike every second, and he’s only a few steps away. Every time he stepped he stomped really hard and caused Michael to wobble on the balcony. Poor kid; he’s hanging on for his life.

“Your brother was kind enough to let me in,” Mlinger sneers, taking another step. He’s only three steps from Michael. “Of course, only as the one named David Hollingsworth..” He laughs again. It makes me want to puke.

“I never thought you’d try to
kill me. They trusted you…” says Michael. Huh? Mlinger takes another step. Then another.

“Do you know him?” I yell at Michael. I’m starting to panic. Suddenly, trying to catch him doesn’t seem like a good idea.

“Yes,” is Michael’s reply.

Mlinger takes another step forward and pushes Michael. My mind went blank and I couldn’t move as my brother went tumbling headfirst down the balcony onto hardwood floor. When he hit’s the ground I hear a sickening thud and an ever-growing pool of blood forming by Michael’s unmoving body.

I scream.

I wake up. Another nightmare, yet an exact account of what actually happened that day, two years ago, when I, twelve years old, lost my brother, nine years old, to that man. Or, rather, that thing. I have a weird feeling that I’m needed somewhere, and I head to the caves. I need to talk to Herder. He’ll know what to do.

I take my coat off the hook and go outside after making sure my parents are asleep. I go to the cave about a quarter of the way from my house. “Ah, James, you’re here,” comes the familiar voice of Herder. After the day I lost Michael, I ran to these caves to be alone and think and Herder appeared and said that my destiny was to one day defeat Mlinger and his employer. I liked that destiny.

“I had another nightmare,” I say.

“Ah, yes, I thought as much,” Herder says, “because the time draws near.”

“What time?” I ask.

“The time for you to fulfill your destiny.”





END PART ONE.
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Old 04-08-2006, 03:45 PM   #2
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The writing quality isn't bad but unfortunately the idea seems a little cliche. It's a classic good and evil clause but I didn't find the dream intro very effective in keeping the reader's attention throughout. Consider a different approach to introducing the characters. They don't need to know who Mlinger is in the first intro... Find a more introducing way to introduce this meance. Build some suspense. Good luck and keep writing!
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