writerprincess15

Here is a small little cut out from my big fantasty story i am working on. this is like way into my story. probably in the third novel. which means ishouldn't even be working on this but this is what i do, i jump around ALOT in my stories until i finally peice them all together. i understand this is a little choppy but it ssomething that i threw together when some inspiration hit me. any advice is always welcome. thankya! Luv always, Writerprincess15



He found her after about ten minutes. She was sitting barefoot by the river. Her feet were dunked in the cool water and she was staring up at the stars. Silent tears were streaming down her face and she was shaking.
“Lilliana…”Tobin said softly.
“Go away.” Lilliana snapped. He hated how her voice sounded. Full of anger and sadness and hurt.
“Lilliana I…”
“I don’t want to hear what you have to say. Just go. Your date is waiting for you.” When she said date her voice creaked slightly.
Tobin didn’t know what to say. But he knew he wasn’t leaving her. He walked over and sat down next to her.
“I’m really sorry.” He said.
Lilliana shook her head, closing her eyes in an attempt to keep the tears back..or perhaps to angry to look at him. She didn’t believe him.
“I hate myself for what I just did…”
Lilliana half laughed at that.
“I mean it.” Tobin said. “I know that sounds like a lie. But I mean it. I never wanted to hurt you. That seems all I end up doing though. But I swear I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s just…when I saw you with Ryeland…I…it’s like something snapped in me. I don’t understand…I just went insane. I didn’t like him holding you or any of that. I didn’t like him even looking at you…”
“Then maybe you should have asked me before he did.” Lilliana said snippily. “And then this whole mess could have been avoided.”
“You’re right.”
“Of course I am.”
They were silent for a minute or so. Then….
“I really am sorry.” Tobin said, reaching over and wiping the tears from her face gently. She pulled away from his touch and stood.
“I can’t look at you right now. Please just leave me alone.” Then she was off again. And Tobin was left sitting by the river. He wanted to go after her. He should have gone after her. But something made him stay right there where he was. That something he would never be able to explain but would try his entire life to understand. For if he had gone after, perhaps their entire fates could have been life changingly different.

Tobin returned to his hut a couple hours later to find his sister pacing the floor, completely distraught.
“Where were you!?!” she shrieked. She was pale and shaking.
Tobin looked at her in confusion. “What’s wrong?”
“Do you have any idea how long we’ve been looking for you!?!”
“Kira!” He grabbed her shoulders and made her face him. She bit her lip as tears poured down her face.
“Its Lilliana….”Kira said between gasps.
Tobin felt his heart leap into his throat. “What happened?” he asked fearfully, although he already had a pretty good idea that it had to be something terrible.
Kira shook her head, closed her eyes, and looked down at her feet; unable to hide the sobs.
“Kira!” Tobin made her look at him. “What is it?”
“She…oh Tobin….last anyone saw of her she’d gone into the woods. When her Pa noticed she was missing he began to get a little worried. So we all started looking for her. And we…we…”
“What? You what?”
“We found her shoes covered in blood…..”Kira bawled.
Tobin felt his entire heart stop. “A..And where is she?” Tobin forced himself to say.
“No one could find her….”
“So she’s still ok? She’s still out there?”
“Tobin….even if she is still alive…the chances that she….”
“She’s alright. I know it. And I am going to find her if it takes all my life.”
Before Kira could stop him Tobin had took off out of the hut. Only one thing was on his mind. Lilliana. He was going to find her. He had to find her. And then he’d kill whoever caused this all to happen.


Meanwhile, Lilliana awoke in a cloud of confusion. She felt as though she was moving. Everything was dark.

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"Its better to be hated for who you are then to be loved for who you're not."

"I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love then to be a winner at something you hate."

Oasis Writer

Hey Terra, I got here finally. I didn't find as much as I usually do, which is very good. Very good work. I assume you found most. All I found was little spelling and grammar things. So don't worry about it. One thing I'd say is put spaces after each paragraph, so it's easier to read through, instead of one block of text. Here's all I found. Hope it helps.

Just a space for formating.
I'd change it to what it says in the red.
Just the comma.
Just the comma again.
Two things, one, is the three periods. An elipse is three periods. And then to should be too.
Just a comma.

Quote:

For if he had gone after, perhaps their entire fates could have been life changingly different.

Changlingly isn't a word. Is there a way to use a better word, maybe just drop that and say: could have been completely different.
Omit that. It's not needed to surround it.
Same as above.
An elipse is three periods and the space for formatting and grammar.
Comma, not semi-colon.
The elipse is three periods, and a comma.
The elipse is three periods, and then the space for formatting.
Three periods, not two.
Three periods, not four.
The comma, and for writting, even though ok is acceptable, it's better to use okay.
Three dots on all of those, not four.
Just the comma.
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Otherwise, I like this story. Very good work. I still honestly think that your Hidden in the Purple Mist, and Breaking the Silence are much better, but this is a very good installment and I hope to see more. Great work.

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