Urric Arkardy

Hi, this is my first vampire story, so forgive me if this is a bit rusty. I always love comments....





The journal of Dr. Jacques Chasseur. December 31st, 2006…


Vampires. They exist.


Originating in Eastern Europe almost seven thousand years ago, the species classified as “Homosapius Nocturnum” as existed in the form of human beings. No one is quite sure how the vampires came to be, but some speculate that Vampirism is a disease, similar to Sickle-Cell. A disease that is caught when the victim comes into bodily contact with the carrier’s blood or saliva.


The vampire must consume at least its own body weight in fresh blood during the course of a month. A vampire’s red blood cells cannot transfer oxygen to the systems in its body. So it must consume blood from living organisms to gain red blood cells that can.


The vampire’s sense of smell, sight, and hearing are almost five times greater than the human. They also have a great deal of strength and speed. They also age much slower than us. So slow that it is believed a vampire can not die from old age, but it is untrue. A vampire’s ability to heal is almost ten times greater than the healthiest human.

Despite Mr. Bram Stoker’s fable, there is little to do with religion, god, or devils with vampires. Holy water and crosses do nothing to them. I have never seen a vampire change into mist or a bat or a wolf. However, some of the more powerful vampires can shape shift into another person.


But there are several things that Stoker got right. Vampires cannot survive longer than seventeen minutes in sunlight, or their bodies begin to deteriorate from the ultraviolet rays. They are also extremely allergic to garlic. Impaling their heart with a stake is also an effective way to stop them. Piercing their heart seems to stop their regenerative abilities.


Some four thousand years ago, a system of clans began to form within the vampire world. Today, there are over three hundred clans world wide, but three clans reign supreme above them all.


The Mosaidre Clan own almost all the vampire nightclubs and safe houses where they can go to hide from dawn. They have little sense of honor or tradition in them, as long as they receive profit. Hector Mosaidre has ruled this clan for some eighty years.


The DeVorik Clan originated from Romania, and have the grandest collection of
knowledge of the older histories of the vampire race. Sophisticated and subtle, this clan prefers knowledge over war. Alfred DeVorik rules this clan from his chateau estate in France.


Then finally, you have Clan Aseir…


Rich, powerful, traditional, the Aseir’s are the oldest and most powerful clan in the world. Some say they are the lasts descendants of the first vampires. The Clan is also the owners of the Aseir Inc., the largest medical and pharmaceutical corporation in the world. Ever since the beginning, they’ve wedded into only pureblooded vampire families, believing half-bloods and turned vampires to be below them.


The former leader of this clan is Alexander Nicholas Aseir. Recently dead, a war is brewing within the clan for leadership. On one side, you have Markus Aseir, Alexander’s son and heir. On the other side, Kevan Aseir, Alexander’s brother, and vice president of Aseir Inc.


And we are in the center of it all. Their little toys. But there are some of us that know.
We know, and we will not let them take our world. We’ll drive them back to the pit of hell they spawned from! I promise Claire. You, and our children. I promise I will…

TheReMonstor

Your vampire story? Um, I dunno man. There doesn't seem to be much here that you could exactly claim as yours. The names of the clans, prolly (though Aseir is somewhere in Norse mythology), but that's it. The first half you just repeated the most commonly known characterisitcs of vampires. Anyone interested in fantasy, horror, or vampires in general know the bulk of the info you present. The only thing I thought was maybe original was this:

But dude, these parts...
Have you ever seen Blade? It's a movie. About vampires. And most of the stuff you wrote. I mean, maybe you haven't seen it or heard of it, but it's just nearly identical to the movie. The clans, the nightclubs, the war between clans, even the vamps. owning a pharmaceutical company...

And then, something more about the story:
What happened? He just got all pissed while he was writing. Not a very subtle change from writing details of info from a proclamation of justice.

But hey man, I don't mean to be rude or anything, but this just isn't gonna cut it. Unless you're doing fan-fiction for the Blade universe. And if that's the case, then it would be helpful to say so. Plus, I heard that vampire fiction is one of the most flooded topics around with so many people writing it and writing it badly. It might be easier to look past some stuff if you had more of the stuff that makes it yours besides character names (which are nice, though).

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Urric Arkardy

Actually, I've never seen Blade. And that Aseir being in Norse Mythology, that was a complet coincidance.

As for that last part, it's suspense. I'm not gonna put what hapened to his family in just yet.

But, seeing as how badly this got ridiculed, I doubt I'll even continue.

buried

First of all, vampires have been done to death, much like serial killers. But aside from that, this isn't really a story. I understand it is intended as a prologue to a story, but I think you will lose the reader in this. Maybe you could start mid-story at an action scene, and then, somewhere in the middle, flash back in history to give this information, if you even need it.

Urric Arkardy

Wow, I guess I wasn't expecting this mutch bad criticism. I probaly won't continue this now. Or If I do, it won't be for a while...

aliceedelweiss

I really don't think you should stop it completely...thats too negative of a thing to do. The ending part, the war of the clans, really reminded me of underworld (even though i only saw part 2) I also think you should start at more action like buried said. I'm a big vampire fan, and all the stuff you said at the beginning was kind of "well yeah, I know that" and you seemed to do a lot of telling, absolutely no showing to begin it. Why not set a scene with a vampire thats being killed by a fellow vampire from another clan, using one of the methods you listed? I don't know...to me stating facts like that is irritating in books, unless thats the whole tone of the book. I really don't want to discourage from writing, just make it better; thats all these critiques are for, to make you better

Good luck, maybe it'll turn out nicely? I'll read it, since it is vampires.
Alice

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Serenade

Yeah, don't just give up because you get criticism. That's what you posted it for, right? The only thing you can do is go back to the drawing board, see what doesn't work and what does and bounce back. You have to draw us in with the first chapter, and I don't really think a guy's journal is going to do it. Maybe an action scene like buried suggested...I don't know. Just don't quit, cuz I like reading about vampires also.

Urric Arkardy

Well, I expected more compliments than criticism. that's alll.

aliceedelweiss

you can't really expect that. you thought we'd say its great? I can see, as an outline of the basic vampire, its great, but as fiction that I'd pick up to read in a book store, I'd put it back down even though it is vampires. I learned this when i first came here, don't expect compliments to flow like water because your so sure of yourself. You can be sure of yourself, but you have to know that there is always room to get better, no matter how good any author is, they can always improve. plus you have to sort of back away and realize everyone is trying to help you improve, not to bring you down.

Who ever said criticism is always a negative thing? It's good sometimes and bad sometimes.

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TheReMonstor

Easy dude, "ridiculed" is a little harsh. I just merely pointed out the obvious, as did everyone else.

Lol, you have to earn compliments. And the criticism is merely constructive. If you want compliments, post it on a vampire forum or Blade forum or Underworld forum. Or you could go back, think it all out again, do a little research about vampires and see what's been used before and then rewrite it. Giving up won't get you anywhere. And don't pout. It's annoying.

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aliceedelweiss

props to remonster. you really know how to spin your words

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Kira the wanderer

I've commented through a PM. Hope it helps.