Deagon777

Not much description here because it's supposed to be cryptic. (As if!)

THE SPHERE (PROLOGUE)---

Every person is connected. Their minds, bodies, and souls all have data, stored in one central space. Those affiliated with this space, for its protection or its keeping, all are specially connected. The higher-ups alays worry about this spot. Bad news about its saftey and immenent destruction- if that was possible- have disasterous physical effects on them. But they still go on. Why? It's all stated in "The Prophecy." The Dark Force which now exists was predicted by the Prophecy. The center space's destruction was lso correctly predicted. All creatures died while it was out of commision. Luckily, there were only dinosaurs on Earth then. Then the Sphere was created. Existence returned. Humans directly connected constantly fortified it. But still the Prophecy predicted another downfall. This time, Darkness would reign. But, millions of years later, nothing has happened....






"Master," said the familiar voice of Tintz. How Haverald admired his voice- it didn't need any sort of emphasis to add in emotion, but all he had to do was change the volume of his voice and you could istantly tell what emotion he was trying to get across. But Haverald was used to this now.

"Yessss?" Haverald said in his usual, bored, laid-back tone. He may have been Master of the Seers, the group in charge of maintaining Tremor. "What is it?"

It took Tintz a while to get used to his Master. It was hard to accept that the Crystal Thyme accepted a 12-year-old as Master of the Seers, the most important job ever! But Haverald, was calm, cool, and collected, and Tintz grew to like his new master, and past differences between them no longer interfered with their jobs. "Yeah, uh... well, there's a small problem with the uh, you know...."

Haverald was furious. There was a problem, and Tintz was acting like it was no nbig deal! Any small problem could.... But Haverald remained calm, and simply said, "We are in Tremor. What is the point of Tremor?"
Uh-oh. Tintz knew this question. He was about to get another lecture. But he learned to play along with his master's slight God complex, so he answered, "To protect Neutral so the Equasion remains balanced." He had recited it so many times....

"And the Equasion is...."

"A place where all is logical so the illogical is possible as well."

"And how does Neutral fit in?"

"Neutral stabilizes the Equasion so there is a balance between logical and illogical."

"Why is Tremor called 'Tremor'?"
Tintz sighed. He knew where this was going. But this news was more important than what Haverald thought it was about, and every wasted moment could be disasterous. But if he quit now it would be disasterous for him. So, "It stops tremors reflected off Neutral from the logical and illogical so The Sphere is not harmed."

"And what is The Sphere?"

"Everything. All knowledge, all that is possible, all that was possible, everything. Without it, all would fall to Chaos. But that's just-"

Haverald's tone remained unchanged as he interrupted Tintz. These 'sessions' were meant to get problems to him directly, so he said, "And the Seers make sure all goes perfectly in order so no harm can be brought and Chaos stopped. The Crystal Thyme oversees our processes so we do not work with Chaos. The Master of the Seers should be relayed all problem first. If one of the layers of The Sphere- like Neutral- went wrong, all would be lost. This is your fault because normally you send data report via Instant Transmitter, not by mouth. So, what have we learned today?"

"That the problem isn't about the layers."

"What is it, then, a problem with my real world life?"

"No. The Sphere has been infected with a virus."

That information of this new danger caused Haverald blacked out.

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I'm sure.

TheReMonstor

Why? Cryptic doesn't mean you can't describe things. Plus, do you think the reader wants to be in the dark about everything? The answer is NO. Why would I keep turning the page if I didn't know what any of these things you're talking about below are (and..yeah, I don't). I guess you nailed the cryptic part, but I'm not sure what effect it has other than annoyance.

This made no sense to me. How does changing the volume in someone's voice make it possible to understand the "emotion" they're having? The only thing I know volume gets across is urgency and distance and...*trying to think of others*...yup, that's all I've got. There's got to be a better way to say what you mean here, so I'd rework it if I were you.

...But? When you have "He may have been" in a sentence, there's got to be a "but" or even "and" or something. Right now it's just a sentence fragment. Plus, don't just tell me that he's the Master of Seers, (and I can't help but read it as the Master of Sears, in which case you're talking about my dad b/c he loves Sears) show me by what he's wearing or a badge he's got on or something.

Now I say "NEVER", but that's just me, but NEVER use an exclamation point for narration. I guess it would be cool for a kid's book or fairy tale, but otherwise, only dialogue is suitable for exclamation points.

Cliché description. Your characters need to be unique and described by your words, not with something you've heard before. And he may be calm cool and collected, but explain it better.

So is this the "cryptic" part? It's not a bad job of explaining within the story, but overall, the reader is still on the outside. Even if that's what you wanted to do, I don't see the purpose. Basically it's just 2 people yammering back and forth about something I'm clueless, and only you know about. Have you ever heard a conversation that was about something you had no clue about? Didn't interest you much did it? You've got to find a way to keep the conversation between your characters, but fill the reader in on what they need to know for the story.

The only time I've ever known of anyone fainting or blacking-out after being told something was in movies where moms are told their daughters are pregnant or something to that effect. Not very feasible.

Overall, I think you've just got to reconsider the "cryptic" approach. It doesn't help you tell the story and it doesn't help the reader read the story. It sounds like you've got something interesting developing with all these terms, but if you don't communicate them effectively, they'll just be lost to the reader, as well as your whole story.

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Deagon777

Hmm... you got it! I left out a part on purpose, sort of a prologue to the prologue that would grip the reader with a tale of "The Prophecy." Though, it won't make much difference, the story still stinks. I'll put it in, though.

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I'm sure.

TheReMonstor

Got what? Left out what part? You'll put what in? You can't grip the reader if there's nothing there to grip them.

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