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Old 04-02-2006, 10:46 PM   #1
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Evil D: 3

This one continues off part 2, which I haven't yet decided to change to part one (because as was pointed out, this one and the previous actually take place before part 1). In fact a head's up, parts 2-4 will all be chronologically before part 1.

Also, the character formerly known as Sech is now Sedura (Sech just didn't sound like a woman's name).

Chapter Three


The day was getting warmer, my heavy blouse and long, blue sarong weren’t helping either. Mattek offered to carry my blouse in the brown leather sack that hung from his shoulder. I had a lighter undergarment on that I still would have been modest in, but his sack looked mostly full so I declined. That and I didn’t like that he had asked it.

I wasn’t glad where we were going, but at least the wooded canopy provided shade. Morav and Mattek walked ahead, Geor and Frit were in the back, and I was sandwiched in the middle. The boys talked amongst themselves, neither ignoring nor inviting me to join them. I wasn’t exuding warmth so I didn’t blame them.

Ahead of me, Morav and Mattek talked like we were on some grand adventure. I guess it is an adventure though, doing something unexpected, a bit dangerous has to count as one. I guess adventure is one of those things that is enjoyable when it happens to someone else, or at least after you’ve already gone through it unhurt.

I couldn’t help but think how terribly wrong this might go. They were right, D never fought four people at once, but then just four people never went to his cabin. A slab of meat was hardly worth the risk. Why did I agree to this?

No one really knew what D was capable of. He stole food whenever it pleased him. He’d killed at least three men—two were woodsman from Cidot and one was a traveler from the Northern Empire. The last of the three had almost brought imperial troops down on us. He had drowned the Wilhem’s oldest boy last summer. He’d even violated women that had wandered off alone. Why did I agree to this?

The only reason he was tolerated was because the village men couldn’t catch him. They’d set traps for him, but he moved like a demon. He was a demon. Even when he was caught in one, he’d find a way out. There was just no way to hold what you couldn’t see. They’d burned his cabin twice—affording them a month or two of peace—but he rebuilt it each time.

It was after the second time that the last two murders happened. Then the village finally conceded the hilltop to D. They would not harass him, and they hoped he would leave them in peace.

With each remembered crime, my heart pounded a little faster. I tried to be brave, but I found my steps falling just a little closer to Morav’s. I was relieved when we reached the end of the beaten trail. Though it meant we had come to D’s clearing, the afternoon sun shining down from a clear sky put me at ease.

The five of us crept to the edge of the shade that bordered between the forest and the open. Across the weedy green was a cabin of gray, dried and rotting wood. It leaned slightly, the work of unskilled hands. For a minute or two we watched it from the back, I wasn’t sure why. If D was there, he would spot us long before we were aware of him.

“Alright,” Mattek declared in a voice expecting allegiance. “Let’s go!” He sprinted out with Morav moving quickly after. Geor and Frit ran behind them. Hiking up my skirt, I followed—bounding more than running to keep my skirt from snagging.

Circling around the cabin, the boys went straight in through the unlocked front door. I held back staying outside. Probably, I would have been safer inside with four young men, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave the sunlight for the shadows of D’s cabin.

Instead I looked in through a window. The first thing I noticed was that there were curtains; I didn’t think of it immediately, but then—what does an invisible demon need with privacy? I guess they say he was born like a human, I suppose even the most wretched thing needs rest. When you don’t have friends, you don’t want anyone to see your weakness.

The boys were searching cupboards and taking turns ducking into a back room, probably a closet or something. My own search also continued from through the glass. In the corner nearest me on my right, was a stack of animal furs that looked like they’d been used for a bed. On the floor near it was a bowl of lentils or beans or something.

Against the wall was a small chest; of all the things in the room it was the most detailed. I couldn’t see very well from my vantage point, but I could make out figures carved into the top and sides. One of its corners was burned to black, but it was still the only thing I could see that had any craftsmanship to it. At that moment, Morav descended on it. It opened away from me so I couldn’t make out the contents. “What is it? What’s inside?” I asked aloud. I was about to ask louder when a breeze came by and kissed my cheek.

Combing back a handful of rogue strands, I turned from the portal and looked out over the meadow. In front of the cabin were three trees, two on my left and one on my right. All of them were charred and nothing more than black pillars with branches. As I looked between them, the breeze brushed past again; it wasn’t cold and the sun was bright, but I felt suddenly chilled to the bone. There was something out there, but no matter how hard I looked I couldn’t see it. The wind bent the grass. What if it’s him? My eyes darted to where the weeds split, what if it’s not the wind moving through the field?
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My current stories: Evil D: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12
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Last edited by enigmaticuser : 04-29-2006 at 10:34 PM.
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Old 04-08-2006, 01:53 AM   #2
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This is your best chapter so far. I like how she is doubting what they are doing the whole time. Well written.

Quote:
Though it meant we had come to D’s clearing, the sun shining clearly down made me feel at ease.
I'm not sure if it was meant that the sun was directly above them or not, but maybe if that is what you meant, you could be a little clearer in your sentence.

Quote:
Against my wall so that I could barely see it, was a small chest, of all the things in the room it was the most detailed. I couldn’t see very well from my vantage point, but I could make out figures carved into the top and sides.
Should it be 'the'? You also said that she could barely see it, and the she couldn't see very well. Maybe do something with these so you aren't repeating yourself.

Quote:
I was about to ask louder when I breeze came by and kissed my cheek.
Quote:
All of them were charred so that they were nothing more than black pillars with branches.
What if you wrote: All of them were charred and nothing more than black pillars with branches.

Awesome set up at the end. I knew as soon as the breeze went by that they weren't alone. OOoooooOOOo (Ghost Sounds)

I'm not sure how the first person thing is going to work out for both of them, but it's going to be interesting to see how you pull it off.
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Old 04-08-2006, 08:25 AM   #3
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Thanks for the help Black, I took all of those suggestions. And thanks for the compliment, 3 was ignored for quite awhile...I think I post too quickly...I don't see why its a problem but I guess if you post too quickly you don't get as many readers. Anyways, I was beginning to think it wasn't very good, so thanks for the compliment =)
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My current stories: Evil D: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12
Adam: Breathe In, Foot Falls, Senses and Patterns, Eden, The Lord and the Master ---->Abandoned or at least shelved...
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Old 04-25-2006, 09:43 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by enigmaticuser
The day was getting warmer, my heavy blouse and long, blue sarong weren’t helping either.
Perhaps Im reading that wrong...but, huh?

Quote:
Originally Posted by enigmaticuser
I wasn’t glad where we were going,
Maybe add a "about" before glad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by enigmaticuser
I guess adventure is one of those things that are enjoyable when it happens to someone else,
Is "are" the correct word, or is it supposed to be "is"? I could be wrong, but it sounded funny to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by enigmaticuser
Morav descended on it and opened the lid. It opened away from me so I couldn’t make out the contents.
Repetition of "open", id replace one of them with something else.

Quote:
Originally Posted by enigmaticuser
Combing back a handful of rogue strands,
Took me a few seconds to realize what you were talking about...but I eventually figured it out



I really liked this chapter. The part where you start talkin about D and what he was doing was pretty cool, and he seems to be a really interesting character. And I think that the first chapter about D is in a good spot, and should come before these two.
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Last edited by Danny77 : 04-25-2006 at 09:46 PM.
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Old 04-29-2006, 10:37 PM   #5
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Thanks again Danny. For the first note, I think you're reading it right just sarong isn't a word everyone knows. I myself didn't know the proper term until I talked to a woman =) It's a type skirt that looks like its just wrapped around, the two halves crossing in the front. I think Thaiwonese people wear them.
I went ahead and made some corrections. Thanks again for all your help!
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Adam: Breathe In, Foot Falls, Senses and Patterns, Eden, The Lord and the Master ---->Abandoned or at least shelved...
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Old 05-15-2006, 08:12 AM   #6
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Very nice. Best part so far, without a doubt.

Only one thing bothered me
Quote:
My own search also continued from through the glass.
This just didn't sound right to me. I think if you remove the word 'from' it would sound better. But that's just me.


Nice atmosphere, and I'm really intrigued about D now. Already you've established a strong mythology behind him.

Great.
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Old 06-24-2006, 11:31 AM   #7
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i love this so far. everything about it is pretty intriguing to me. i still think the name D isnt very frightening. but thats just me. anyway, good work. and i dont have any critique thats not already mentioned really.

and yeah, thats what a sarong is.
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