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Old 04-06-2006, 02:08 PM   #16
Ink Slinger
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: California
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,110
Dephere is an unknown quantity at this point
Wow, sorry I haven't been here for a couple days! I think I've told you all why...

Oasis - Another masterpiece. lol. Really!? That's awesome, I love when I hear those words. I never ever think of my writing as masterpieces, so to hear that is very nice indeed. Thanks for all your help, I really appreciate it, especially because you're always ready to lend a helping hand.

Wisp - Wow! I'm glad you liked it, a :fivestars: lol Thanks for pointing out all those things and I will get to them ASAP.

The ringulet thing: yes, it's curly...hehe. I'm surprised that wasn't clear.
The names: It's Faybus, not Faebus(which he isn't even in this story. lol.)....and Feidra was named after Faedrath, this point was made clear. So I don't think that is too big of a problem...or is it?

The place names: Hm, I wasn't set on those names, they were just quick fixes to having blanks there instead. I will see what I can do...

Titania - *waves* Have you missed me? lol. Well, I guess you expect me to change it now that you two have agreed. *chucks coffee cup at Titania*
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What Happened to Mire?:Part I
Dark Men: Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7
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Old 04-09-2006, 08:47 AM   #17
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Oregon
Gender: Male
Posts: 824
Blackhawk_t is on a distinguished road
You know I'm a big fan of your work, and its always a pleasure to read, but I had a difficult time with the first part. I don't know why, but it didn't seem to have it's usual flow of yours that I've come accustomed to. Still, it is a great piece of writing.

Quote:
Her ancient voice
The word ancient just caught me as odd. Maybe a different word for way freakin old.

Quote:
while she struggled to get comfortable
I would change it to just 'struggling'

Quote:
When she was satisfied with the warmth emanating from the hearth she went into the next room, emerging seconds later with a plethora of blankets. Quickly she set these upon the wooden floor so that the children might make use of them.
This whole sentence could be reworded, such as: When she was satisfied with the warmth emanating from the hearth she went into the next room, emerging seconds later with a plethora of blankets, and set them upon the wooden floor so the children might make use of them.
Granted it's your story, but just a suggestion.
Off Topic:
Everytime I hear the word Plethora, I think of the movie 3 Amigo's.


Quote:
Her eyes scanned the floor for any hint of understanding.
This sentence read odd to. What she scanning the children for a reaction?

Quote:
Feidra spoke, her timid voice
I would use a different word like announced, or something to that effect, because she is bursting the statement out in what seems as excitement for knowing the answer.

Quote:
waddled in a deep black blanket
I'm backtracking, but maybe use the word the here?

I'm liking what you have presented so far, I look forward to see where this is going. Good work.
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