Evil D: 1 - Writers Forum

enigmaticuser · 03-31-2006, 07:27 PM

This came to me over the last couple days. I'm still doing my other stuff, but I felt like writing this intro. Hopefully I won't let it consume me so that I forget my other stuff. Sigh...there's just not enough time and energy for everything.

Evil D

Chapter One

Since the day when Malcra created our world, the people of Cidot say, it sculpted the earth piece by piece, slowly removing every trace of the wretchedness that marred its creation. Things that are evil in this world will eventually be seen in their true form, just before they are taken away.

I could hear them coming now. The sound of the festival permeated every inch of the village, but through it I could hear the voices. Angry men were coming for me. The orange glow of their lanterns was sweeping across across the wall of the alley, pushing rats into the cracks and shadows of emptied wine barrels. Pressing up against the wall was all I did to hide. They won’t see me.

“Burn it alive!” Came the shout as hardened leather boots slapped at the cobblestone, the byway opening suddenly to their lamps as a dozen or more men came to the intersection.

Gesturing with his torch, Durat, a tall man with curly dark hair shouted, “That blasted thing has plagued us for too long!” Others murmured agreement. “Why would it do that? My boy’s face looks like…like what that D—Wretch! Looks like…” Durat sputtered and trailed off, remembering his son’s tattered and bloody face.

I looked to a shallow puddle, rimmed with their reflections. Why had I done that? I could feel the blood on my hands. Another thing I had not meant to do. My ignorance, my reckless malice, all the people of Kinema had been happy before I was born. If only my mother had slit my throat at first sight, or my father killed me before I murdered them both—then the village would be truly beautiful. Instead, I live.

“Don’t even think about what D meant to do to Sedura. That poor girl...lying there he must have meant to—“

“Don’t even speak it!” Snapped Eryet, a balding older man who owned the only inn for three days travel, his eyes probing the younger men’s as he pointed a long, thin, walking stick. Their search was over, they would never find me. Not in the dark, or in the light—not in the open.

The last accusation hurt the most. Sedura would probably never forgive me. Though I loved her, I could not keep my evil caged, even for her. When I had seen that boy—Mattek—grabbing her arm and pulling on her coat; the way her eyes bled those clear drops as she pulled back. I couldn’t contain it anymore. Before I knew what I was doing, Mattek was lying face down. Sedura lay in a ball trembling, her eyes wide staring straight through me.

I was so sorry.

“Durat! Wesh! You others!” Eryet planted his staff. “Tonight, turn to your families. I’ve never seen that abomination visit twice in one day. He’s gone to his cabin and we won’t find him tonight. Let the festivities play out, and tomorrow take our swiftest and most cunning hunters, and see if we can’t catch and kill him for certain this time.”

“We’ve tried that before. No one can—“

“It’s better than doing nothing!” The elder’s lips pulled down, exposing crooked teeth. “D will know we haven’t forgotten, or forgiven! In the meantime, we’ll send the courier to Evspat for help.”

“You’re not suggesting—“

“Be silent.” Eryet’s eyes flickered about, even as I crept silently closer to hear what might be said. “For now, the festivities.”

The mob turned back, satisfied for the moment. I wanted to follow them, to know their plans. But I doubted whether I should know the means of my own demise. As much as I deserved it, I would still run from it if I saw it coming.

With the lanterns gone, I left silently, taking the back ways out of town. In my mind, I saw the scenes again. The lights drawing me to the village, my heedless want to feel some connection to those who lived there. I lingered in those moments trying to hold back what came next. Something inside wanting to pretend the night had ended there.

By the starlight, it was bright enough to see my rundown shack now, just beyond a deep creek. The words of the villagers came back to warn me. I’d better not spend the night inside. Yet, I found myself moving to the five planks that bridged the placid water. The care for my safety passed—it wasn’t very strong—and my memory again played cruelly forward. I couldn’t shake the vision of Sedura’s eyes. Lowering myself to the planks, I let my feet dangle into the water as I stared down, wanting to see what she had. I knew what I would see, but I looked anyway. I saw the sky, the bridge and everything else. The only thing missing was me. Just before they are taken away…

Rayner · 03-31-2006, 08:30 PM

Interesting beginning, mysterious and slighty forboding...
You have the makings of a complex character going, leaving one to wonder who or what he (it?) is. Looking forward to finding who this guy is, and if he is good, evil...or both.

Found some small grammer mistakes.

Quote:

The sound of the festival permeated every inch of the village, but through it I could hear the voices

I think there should be a the before festival.

Quote:

pushing rats into the cracks and shadows of emptied, wine barrels.

No comma needed.

Quote:

“Burn it alive!” came the shout as hardened leather boots slapped at the cobblestone,

The H in hardened boots should be lower case.

Quote:

Though I loved her, I could not keep my evil caged, even for her.

Comma before even.

Quote:

“For now, the festivities.”

Comma before festivities.

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I wanted to follow them, to know their plans, but I doubted whether I should know the means of my own demise.

Should link those two sentences with a comma.

Quote:

By the starlight it was bright enough to see my rundown shack now, just beyond a deep creek. I’d better not spend the night inside.

Nothing wrong grammer wise, but so far all dialouge has been seperated, so you may want to seperate D's thoughts from the rest of this paragraph, then proceeding with the rest, example-
- By the starlight it was bright enough to see my rundown shack now, just beyond a deep creek.

I’d better not spend the night inside.

The words of the villagers came back to warn me...-
See what I mean?

Quote:

The only thing missing was me. Just before they are taken away…

Same thing, it would also make the ending line seem more effective.

Hope that made sense.

As I said, this kept me intrested, and wil be intresting to see what happens next. Hope this helped.

enigmaticuser · 03-31-2006, 08:41 PM

Thanks, it helps a little. I'm having trouble figuring out the best way to seperate, D's thoughts, internal narrations, and uh...the actual narrative. Like, I try to use italics for his thoughts like, I should stay out of there.

I'm having trouble seperated that from like say "I was so sorry", he's not thinking the words "I'm so sorry" but from his perspective he was so sorry. Any suggestions on how to keep those two catagories seperate?

Rayner · 03-31-2006, 09:33 PM

Hmm...this is hard for me...I usally do not use first person...let me see though. I guess since that this is first person, this all the characters thoughts, so maybe italics are not nesscary...

Quote:

I try to use italics for his thoughts like, I should stay out of there.

Maybe like this?
Example-
-I should stay out of here, I thought, but continued to walk on.-

Quote:

I'm having trouble seperated that from like say "I was so sorry", he's not thinking the words "I'm so sorry" but from his perspective he was so sorry. Any suggestions on how to keep those two catagories seperate?

How about this?
-I was so sorry, I really was. It had not been my intention to do that. The man got angrier and stamped his foot.-(making this up, hope it makes some sense..)
This all I could think up. Hope that was not confusing, and helped somewhat.

Blackhawk_t · 04-02-2006, 03:04 PM

This is a great set up. Really gets you wondering who is and what has happened to him. I didn't have anythiing that I would change or fix, maybe because I found myself reading through it so well. I like what you have so far. I will check in on chapter two.

Wisp · 04-03-2006, 08:57 PM

Hah! I finally made it to Ch.1

(This is going to be a brief crit, because I am low on time, but I will do my best none-the-less)

Quote:

Since the day when Malcra created our world, the people of Cidot say,

I dont know if you are stuck on the name Cidot, but it sounds like Idiot to me...

Quote:

it sculpted the earth piece by piece,

Do you mean earth, as in the planet, or as in dirt?

Quote:

slowly removing every trace of the wretchedness that marred its creation. Things that are evil in this world will eventually be seen in their true form, just before they are taken away.

I love this line... might have to put that in my sig

Quote:

The orange glow of their lanterns was sweeping across the wall across the alley,

Instead of 'was sweeping' try swept.

Quote:

remembering his son’s tattered and bloody face.

Comma after tattered.

Quote:

If only my mother had slit my throat at first sight, or my father killed me before I murdered them both—then the village would be truly beautiful. Instead, I live.

What a cruel son of a bitch of a character

Quote:

“Don’t even speak it!” Snapped Eryet,

Nice!

Quote:

a balding older man who owned

Should be comma after balding

Quote:

Let the festivities play out, and tomorrow take our swiftest and most cunning hunters, and see if we can’t catch and kill him for certain this time.”

I think this would be better-
"Let the festivities play out, and come tomarrow we will take our swistest and more cunning hunters; to see if we can't catch and kill that evil wretch for certain this time."

Quote:

Something inside pretending as though the night had ended there.

I think it should be 'pretended' or 'was pretending'

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^###

Very nice. I really liked the descriptions in this, and the word choice. It flowed very nicely, and I think it is better as a part one. It really shows your abillity to create a good flow for the reader to follow- so nice job.

Oasis Writer · 04-10-2006, 02:40 PM

Seems I'm late to the draw. The best of comments have been said, and I like this so far. Everything I found below are just...stuff, simple things. Don't worry about it. Hope this helps.

Quote:

“Burn it alive!” came the shout as hardened leather boots slapped at the cobblestone, and the byway opened suddenly to their lamps as a dozen or more men came to the intersection.

Cap came to Came.

Quote:

In my mind, (Comma) I saw the scenes again.

Comma.

Quote:

By the starlight, (Comma) it was bright enough to see my rundown shack now, just beyond a deep creek.

Comma.
____

Otherwise, very interesting story. In the end, we show our true side, so we have an end here, and what did he do? Interesting. I'll be to the next soon.

Cold Twilight · 04-10-2006, 03:21 PM

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