Broken Crown: Chapter 1 - Writers Forum

atrophybrain · 03-30-2006, 11:50 PM

He knew what was going to happen; he had seen it a thousand times before. Even so, he was powerless, unable to change a thing. He knew the precise moment when the man was going to come through the door; but no matter how much he wanted to, he could not force his paralyzed limbs to take any action. He watched helplessly as the wooden portal burst open, revealing a massive cloaked figure. He strained against his legs, willing them to work as the tall, heavily-muscled man swept through the doorway and into the house. His head turned of its own accord, tracking the movements of his mother fleeing the room and his father drawing a broadsword. He tried to shut his eyes, knowing the horrible truth of what was about to happen, but even his eyelids betrayed him, forcing him to watch as the monster swung a gigantic claymore. He stared with terrified fascination as his father, the man who had taught him what it meant to have honor, fell to the floor with an unceremonious thud, left arm and half of his torso bouncing away from the rest of the body. He tried to scream, but not even his lungs would obey him, refusing to take breath as the cloaked terror followed his mother into the next room. He pleaded with his body, desperate to get to his mother before-

He snapped back to reality, woken by his own screams. He lay on his pallet, panting and soaked with sweat despite the chill of the night air. Once he had forced his breath to slow, restoring some semblance of calm, he sat up and looked around the room. He took comfort in the safe familiarity of the small, sparse area, drinking in the reassuring sight of the utilitarian desk and chair, the only furniture within view. He stood, the moonlight streaming through the window and lighting his way to the desk, upon which sat an unlit candle. Absently, he lit it, and the candle sprung to life, casting a flickering, orange light over the room. The chair creaked as he sat heavily, sighing and rubbing his eyes in an attempt to clear his mind. It was just a dream, it was always a dream, one he had been having ever since he saw the whole scene play out in the waking world, like some grotesque farce, mocking the natural order.

A loud banging crashed through the room, startling him out of his memories.
He glanced around, disoriented for a moment, until his clouded mind registered that someone was knocking on the door. He stumbled over to the door, undoing the simple bolt and pulling it open. On the other side waited a thin young man, wearing the white tunic of a Spirit Initiate on his shoulders and a concerned expression on his face. The candle the newcomer grasped in his hand attempted feebly to ward off the darkness of the windowless hallway, managing to light only a small circle at his sandaled feet that didn‘t even reach the glow of the candle still on the desk.

“Are you alright? I could hear you yelling all the way in my room!” He paused, then added, “And these walls are thick!” The student stood anxiously, wringing his wrists and glancing nervously about. He was worried about his long-time friend, and it showed.

“No, no. I’m fine, it was just… dreams,” responded the troubled youth, waving his hand dismissively. He closed his eyes, gathering himself. “Go back to bed, Arren. Really, I’m fine! Besides, you don’t need to be worrying about me, you should be getting some rest for your Trial tomorrow.” Despite these assurances the wiry youth remained for a moment longer, searching his friend’s eyes. When he found, or didn’t find, whatever he was looking for, he relented, his usual wry grin spreading on his face.

“That’s alright, I got it in the bag, anyway.” For a second, a look of mock severity replaced his jovial expression. “You, however, do need your sleep! You need all the help you can get on yours!” With that, he waggled his finger at his fellow Initiate, and with his grin once again displaying his amazing volume of teeth, he turned on his heel and marched away, his exaggerated footsteps making sharp echoes in the otherwise silent hallway.

Purple · 04-01-2006, 12:34 PM

Man, fix the editing, no ones responding because it is unreadable.

atrophybrain · 04-01-2006, 12:37 PM

Wow, you're right! Didn't look over it when I copy-pasted it, sorry! *gets to editing*

There... hope that makes it better! Sorry for the noobing!

Purple · 04-01-2006, 07:49 PM

Dialogue and its respective tags receive their own paragraphs to.

Dephere · 04-01-2006, 09:11 PM

lol. Don't give up...It's just that it was so long and you can't expect to get critiques when you haven't gone out and given your own in the respective genre...

atrophybrain · 04-03-2006, 04:45 PM

Sorry for the hissy fit. I really need to stay on my meds. Anyway, reduced the size by an enormous amount, and fixed the editing as much as I am willing to, it now feels completely readable, imo.

Dephere · 04-09-2006, 09:33 PM

Okay, I'm so tired right now, because of stupid things (long story), so this won't be one of my usual point out all the little mistakes critique, but I want to return the favor and let you know what I think about this.

Just one thing I had to point out, even if I said I wasn't going to point out stuff:

Quote:

He knew what was going to happen; he had seen it a thousand times before. Even so, he was powerless, unable to change a thing. He knew the precise moment when the man was going to come through the door; but no matter how much he wanted to, he could not force his paralyzed limbs to take any action. He watched helplessly as the wooden portal burst open, revealing a massive cloaked figure. He strained against his legs....

Yeah, I think there was too many "he"s, but that can be easily fixed.

Overall your writing flows smoothly and the words compliment your style. Nothing, repeat, nothing major cramps this piece up. If anything that only things I could possibly bicker about would be personal preference.

Like the magic. It's cool and all for him to just say something and a candle light, but I like the more surreal feel of magic. When magic is used to perform mundane actions, then I in turn find it to be a mundane thing.

Your initial opening scene could also use a little more description. Show us what his parents look like and maybe hint to what type of people they are. It would be nice for us to get a little feel for them before they die. Letting us see the people can give them a more deep character, beyond the two dimensional if you add some personality and emotions....

The writing is nice and sound, the execution could be a polished a little more, but I liked it.

atrophybrain · 04-09-2006, 10:02 PM

Thanks for the crit! Sweet! I'd justlike to respond to a few things, though, and maybe you can clearthem up for me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dephere

Yeah, I think there was too many "he"s, but that can be easily fixed.

I'm not sure how easily fixed it would be. I was trying to keep the main character unnamed, even undescribed in this first scene, since it's so cerebral (plus I thought it would be a good hook), and I'm not sure how you can do that other than using the word 'he' a lot.

Quote:

Like the magic. It's cool and all for him to just say something and a candle light, but I like the more surreal feel of magic. When magic is used to perform mundane actions, then I in turn find it to be a mundane thing.

That's kind of what I was trying for. As you'll see later in the story, I was making magic not a super-rare thing in this world, and plus I always thought it was wierd that magic was only used for combat and big super important things. If you can make your enemies burst into flame, why would you ever need matches?

Quote:

Your initial opening scene could also use a little more description. Show us what his parents look like and maybe hint to what type of people they are. It would be nice for us to get a little feel for them before they die. Letting us see the people can give them a more deep character, beyond the two dimensional if you add some personality and emotions....

I'm not sure I agree with this. I was trying for the feeling of a dream, and I don't know about you, but when I dream, I notice barely any detail, and I certainly don't go over people's backstories whenever I see them. I was really just trying to give a few details about the character dreaming, while revealing a bit of his backstory. And, really, I don't think the parents need to be more than two dimensional et this point of the story.

I'm not attacking you, really. I just wanted to say what I was going for, and see if you agree or not. Thanks again!

Dephere · 04-09-2006, 10:09 PM

Okay...

The "he" thing - Use things like, "the man", "the boy", "the youth", or other variations. Also in many cases the use of things like this can be avoided altogether, simply by altering the syntax.

The magic - I think you were missing the point. When I said mundane I didn't mean that I disliked it because it was common, but because it loses its feel of coolness, for lack of a batter word. I find it boring when they use magic for such things and then when it is used for the big things it feels just as boring. But, as I said, that's a personal thing.

The dream - Good points, but I still have a few things that I don't agree on. Yes, I agree that the parents should not have a back story because it's a dream, but the kid certainly could when he wakes up (don't info dump though). The vivid thing doesn't strike me as true, however, because when something as monumental as a parent's death comes into play, then dreams about such an event would be very vivid indeed. In large part because they actually did happen.

I understand you wanting to clear yourself up and I also understand that you're not attcking me. No worries...

You're very welcome by the way!

atrophybrain · 04-09-2006, 10:19 PM

Quote:

The "he" thing - Use things like, "the man", "the boy", "the youth", or other variations. Also in many cases the use of things like this can be avoided altogether, simply by altering the syntax.

Good point. I'll think about that.

Quote:

The magic - I think you were missing the point. When I said mundane I didn't mean that I disliked it because it was common, but because it loses its feel of coolness, for lack of a batter word. I find it boring when they use magic for such things and then when it is used for the big things it feels just as boring. But, as I said, that's a personal thing.

Wait, so you don't like... magic? If it's boring when they use it for small stuff, and the same for big stuff, what else is there? And secondly, I don't even know why I defending that particular sentence, I've since taken it out! Oops! NVM me! *edits* My point still stands, though. It's just that that particular piece of magic was internally inconsistent.

Dephere · 04-09-2006, 10:29 PM

I'm trying to explain a complex little thing here, lol. What I'm saying is this:

Using magic for little things dilutes the true power of it being used for big things and in turn makes it not power, but simply a trick. Power is something that not everybody has and is not easy to use. Is that clear?

I hope I'm not just babbling....

atrophybrain · 04-09-2006, 10:43 PM

I see what you mean, and to be honest, I think I agree. Other than that one spot, which has been deleted, I don't think I have any of that using it 'for little things' in the rest of the work.
Speaking of which: I will now post the next part of it. Oh, that reminds me, this isn't supposed to be the first chapter, just like the first scene of the prologue. What I like to call chapter 0.0, with 0.1 coming up, and the first chapter starting at 1.0.