eMb

Detective Juan Ramirez entered the interrogation room, which was a 12” x 12” gray room with concrete walls. No sound coming from the room was audible anywhere but the observation room, which was adjacent to the interrogation room. The interrogation room wasn’t welcoming nor was it friendly; the bland walls and natural lack of heat were threatening to most that entered the room.

The room had a square table with two chairs at either end of it. The chairs weren’t comfortable; they were solid wood with no padding on them whatsoever. One chair was placed facing the special mirror that observers used from the observation room, its back to the wall; the other faced the concrete wall, its back to the mirror.

Detective Ramirez took a seat in the chair facing the wall and set the bag he’d been carrying into the room down near one of the legs of the table. He took a look at the man that sat in the chair at the other end of the table and saw he’d rolled up the sleeves of his orange prison suit to reveal tattoos that covered his entire arm, and probably his body as well. They looked like various Psalms and other verses from the Bible. The man had no real expression on his face, and stared at Ramirez with very little animosity or hatred in his eyes; on the contrary, he seemed to welcome Ramirez into the room, the way a person would welcome his best friend into a room.

“Your name is?” asked Ramirez, trying to return the kindness that was being showed to him by a criminal. He smiled, but he soon straightened his lips, thinking it was too obviously feigned.

“My name is Mao Dig,” the man replied to him. He smiled and Ramirez was beginning to think it was authentic; it looked far too natural to be false. “I was born in Hong Kong.”

“Alright, Mao,” said Ramirez as he pulled a notebook from his bag. “Earlier today, you came to the station and told a few of the officers that you had done something horribly wrong and you deserved the punishment. You went on to say that what you did and the punishment you deserve is the will of the father.”

“That is correct, sir,” responded Mao courteously, still smiling. He didn’t seem at all threatened by Ramirez or the weapon he possessed. Ramirez didn’t know exactly what he claimed to have done, but for some reason, he didn’t really think he wanted to know.

“Alright, let me ask you this first, then. What exactly did you do?” inquired Ramirez, his curiosity overpowering his will, which wasn’t exactly iron to begin with. He stared at Dig and realized he now was scared by him, and he knew exactly why: this man had probably done something horrible and felt no real guilt or pain from it.

“I don’t believe what I did was wrong. I want to say that first,” answered Mao. He still had the eerie smile, but his eyes now seemed fiery hot with passion to Ramirez. He prepared himself for what he was about to here, expecting the worse. “I made people realize their sins.”

At first, Juan felt relief, expecting to here that this man had murdered a woman and her family, but soon realized that what Dig had told him could mean more than one thing. He soon realized that he wasn’t dealing with a senile, elderly Chinese man. He might be dealing with a serial killer. With great ease, he asked the question, “What exactly does that mean?”

“You will see what sin is, for even you, Mr. Police Man, have sinned, and your sin will be cleansed sooner than you think,” was the quick response Mao Dig gave Juan. “I refuse to speak anymore of it for now. Soon, you will be enlightened.” With that, he left the room and went to the cell he was staying in.

Emmett89

A good first chapter, a good hook to end it with, my only suggestion is in the first paragraph. You use 'interrogation room' three times. While, of course, there isn't too many ways you can describe an interrogation room. Maybe just use 'room' or something of that sort, in its place.

A big word like interrogation being used 3 times seems out of place in a somewhat small paragraph.

eMb

I see what you mean. Chapter two may be coming soon!

Jaguar

Ok, you say room 13 times. Try to find synonyms for any words repeating and fix any grammer errors you find, then update. You could have a good story going here.

Jag

eMb

Chapter One, edited.


Detective Juan Ramirez entered the interrogation room, which was a 12” x 12” gray block with concrete walls. No sound originating from the place was audible anywhere but the observation room next door. The interrogating place wasn’t welcoming nor was it friendly; the bland walls and natural lack of heat were threatening to most that entered the room.

The room had a square table with two chairs at either end of it. The chairs weren’t comfortable; they were solid wood with no padding on them whatsoever. One chair was placed facing the special mirror that observers used from the observation room, its back to the wall; the other faced the concrete wall, its back to the mirror.

Detective Ramirez took a seat in the chair facing the plain gray wall and set the bag he’d been carrying into the room down near one of the legs of the table. Juan took a look at the man that was seated at the other end of the table and observed he’d rolled up the sleeves of his orange prison suit to reveal tattoos that covered his entire arm, and probably the rest of his body as well. They looked like various Psalms and other verses from the Bible. The man had no real expression on his face, and stared at Ramirez with very little animosity or hatred in his eyes; on the contrary, he seemed to welcome Ramirez into the room the same way a person would welcome his best friend into a room.

“Your name is?” asked Ramirez, trying to return the kindness that was being showed to him by a criminal. He smiled, but he soon straightened his lips, thinking it was too obviously feigned.

“My name is Mao Dig,” the man replied to him. He smiled and Ramirez was beginning to think it was authentic for it looked far too natural to be false. “I was born in Hong Kong.”

“Alright, Mao,” said Ramirez as he pulled a notebook from his bag. “Earlier today, you came to the station and told a few of the officers that you had done something horribly wrong and you deserved the punishment necessary. You also went on to say that what you did and the punishment you deserve is the will of the father.”

“That is correct, sir,” responded Mao courteously, still smiling. He didn’t seem at all threatened by Ramirez or the weapon he possessed. The detective wasn’t sure of exactly what he claimed to have done, but for some reason, he was beginning think it was despicable.

“Alright, let me ask you this first, then. What exactly did you do?” inquired Ramirez, his curiosity overpowering his will, which wasn’t exactly iron to begin with. He stared at Dig and realized he now was scared by the small Asian elder: this man had probably done something horrible and felt no real guilt or pain from it.

“I don’t believe what I did was wrong. I want to say that first,” answered Mao. He still had the eerie smile, but his eyes now seemed fiery hot with passion to Ramirez. He prepared himself for what he was about to here, expecting the worse. “I believe I am simply a tool of the Father, a prophet made to force people to realize their sins.”

At first, Juan felt relief, expecting to here that this man had murdered a woman and her family, but soon realized that what Dig had told him could mean more than one thing. He soon realized that he wasn’t dealing with a senile, aged Chinese man. He might be dealing with a serial killer. With great ease, he asked the question, “What exactly does that mean?”

“You will see what sin is, for even you, Mr. Policeman, have sinned, and your sin will be cleansed sooner than you think,” was the quick response Mao Dig gave Juan. “I refuse to speak anymore of it for now. Soon, you will be enlightened.” With that, he left the room and went to the cell he was staying in.

Blackhawk_t

I like how you have set up a nice plot to work with. Your description was well though out and you have the story line started well.

I would like to make a few suggestions. Emmett89 made the comment you used the word interrogation room and observation room a bunch. On the edit, you used interrogation place. This still needs to be set up differently. Plus you got the room at only 12 inches by 12 inches. Not a very big room.

For an example, this is how I would write it. You should write it your own way, but this will give you another example.

Detective Juan Ramirez entered the 12' x 12' room constructed of gray concrete walls, whose bland color and natural lack of heat was unwelcome and threatening to most that visited the 'Interrogation Room.' The contents of all conversations went unheard, except the select few behind the one way mirror that lie adjacent in the observation room.

That's not great, but it shows how you can cut down on the repetitiveness of certain words.

Don't need this.

Once you set the tone of how you will relate to the character, don't change it. In this case, you can just call him Ramirez and the readers will know that he is a detective. The only exception to this is when someone is speaking to him. Such as: Chief Tuffguy rose from his chair waving his hands frantically, "Why did you do this Juan?"

If that makes any sense.

You tend to do this throughout the story. You throw on a little extra that isn't needed on certain sentences. Almost as if it's overkill.

I like how this is starting, and I will see what else is happening on the next part. Good work so far... just minor things to work on.

Granted, I'm no expert, but it's easier to find things in other's stories than it is to find it on your own.

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