Intel

Drip. Drip. The rain was now settling down. Only water caught up in leaves remain. Its easy for your mind to play tricks on you during the night, especially in the Nova forest. The sky was misty, a faint blue blurring into darkness.

I always felt safe with Isaac. We were delivering brew to the village of Stansok. This journey was far too dangerous to bring our horses, so we decided to pull two carts together. Each cart contained four barrels of cider. We also brought along a box of tea. Isaac was thirty and two years. I was only one and eight. So I had a lot to learn.

I was taller than Isaac by five lengths. But he was more muscular with plenty of battle experience. How proud I am, what a mentor! What a friend to have. Being part of the new generation, my weapon of choice was the crossbow. Isaac equipped himself with the yanos sword. Passed down from generation to generation. Legend has it, the yanos sword was captured by Isaac’s great grandfather by defeating the green mangor dragon.

”Do not misunderstand me. The people of Stansok village are very warm and friendly, but simple they may be. Don’t worry, we’ll be fine. Just keeps your eyes peeled though. For conniving men walk among the people, coming from the lands of wild nature never have you imagined”.

“I will remember”


The wind cut straight through my thin crefant coat into my soul. I wrestled my jacket to hold it together.

“Isaac, I’m cold! I haven’t eaten for hours. I can barely think straight” I moaned.

With a disgruntled face Isaac responded “Not long now lad. We’ll be eating pingu stew in no time at all”.

I suppose that was enough to keep my mind occupied for the next few hours. But something wasn’t right.
I started to feel uneasy. As if someone were watching me. My crossbow was ready. Looking either sides of the path we were on, I saw nothing. I knew Isaac would inform me if he had seen anything.


Walking side by side, us, men of valor. Very windy the forest was, cutting through our thin layers of dnjas material. And I was shivercold. Round moon was high in the air watching over us, and sent a down a prism of light through the thick Jackson trees. Unfornately offering no light, we just had to chug on like the soldiers we were.

Boredom was rife on this long and torturous journey. We had only wind, rain and soup to entertain our minds.

Silence reigned for a moment or two, then the breeze rushed past again. The change in atmosphere was subtle but significant. I looked over my shoulder around and spotted a hooded horseman in the distance. Watching me.

“Show yourself!” I shouted.

Isaac was instantly alerted and drew for his sword.

“What’s happened? What did you see?” Isaac inquired.

“A hooded rider” I replied still in shock.

“Well, where is he?”

I looked again and saw that the hooded rider was absent. He must’ve fled I thought to myself.

“So what did he look like?” Isaac continued to interrogate me.

“I…err” Then it hit me, I didn’t know what the rider looked like. He was dressed in dark clothing. His hood covered his face and his horse was black.

“Maybe your mind was playing tricks on you, just stay close to me and I promise everything will be alright” Isaac assured me.

Maybe he was right. After all, nova forest is infamous for its ability to alter a mans state of mind. But maybe he wasn’t. This overwhelming feeling I had. It was far too strong to deny, or just brush aside. I knew what I saw. It was a strange power, of something watching me. Out to hurt me.


Again, silence fell, coating the air with peace.


A chill was sent tingling up my spine, the cold air grew thick, wrapping itself around my body. Drip drip. I slowly turned my neck around, whilst my stomach turned to mush.

“Oh jesuat! The cider is leaking.” I said before quickly looking embarrassed.

“Curse before me dare you? I think I’ll leave you to get it sorted. Try to keep up” Isaac said with a smile.

Regretfully. I took out my stanfield knife and took a patch out of my crefant coat. Covered the leak. Linik! It was done. Now at least the worst of things to come was over.

I heard footsteps. Like marching. Yes. Like a squad of soldiers marching. It was getting closer and closer. Nearer and nearer. Faster and faster. I readied my crossbow and shot forward. Just as I released me grip, I saw a colourful light. Then Darkness. My legs collapsed below me. Try as I may to get off the ground, my body was immobolised.

“Isaac!” I cried out in pain. But to no response.

In the backround I heard grunting and screams. All my eyes could make out was a silhouette dancing before me. My mind was drifting into unconciousness. The mind was willing, but the body was unable.

Drip. Drip. I awoke to a puddle of blood. A searing headache had befallen me. My eyes were blurry. Where was I? I heard moaning from a voice I recognised. In front of my lay Isaac on the ground. He was wounded. His heart pierced by an arrow. An arrow. Looking oddly familiar. Seeing my reflection in the teardrops resting upon his eyes, in them I saw no soul. What had I done? Suddenly all memory came flooding back to that terrible moment.

Crawling to my knees I rose up. Stumbling over to Isaac, I saw a broken man before me. Bloodily cut up. Tears ran from my face uncontrollably. Isaac was in serious pain.

“What happened?” I said.

“Why?” Isaac mumbled painfully. “Let me be in peace”.

“Let me help you” I insisted.

I held Isaac in my arms, close. I tried to fool myself into thinking he stood a chance. But deep down, I knew his fate.

“Please forgive me. Please forgive me. Oh please forgive me” I wailed.

“What say I, to forgive such a sin? I am but a man”.

With that, he slipped out of my arms as he slipped out of life. Lightning bolt effect. It didn’t even seem real. I felt like I was in a dream. A fantasy. But staring at this lifeless body, it became clear. Dreaming it felt. Reality it was.

Steadily I arose once again to strive on. Grabbed my two carts and made my way through the forest, leaving Isaac’s body for the wolves. The forest had gotten the best of me.

It was now morning. How time fly’s. Like they say, ‘time keeps no time’. The sun was in the sky, but as it gazed down upon my wearily body it offered no warmth, seeing me for what I really am. But I was finally there. Stansock village. The sight was beautiful, the honey glazed roof tops, the luscious green grass which seemed to stretch on for lengths on end. At this time of morning the whole village was asleep. Only farmers were up tilling the land.

As I dragged the two carts of cider towards the town hall, a short stubby man with fiery red hair approached me. He took one look at the carts and began to dance.

“The cider is here! Great. Oh. Disrespectful I. I am known as Garet. Must be you Isaac’s apprentice?” he asked.

“Yes” I voiced rather sheepishly.

“Well come on then, where is he hiding?” he said with a grin on his face.

Maintaining a sorrowful face I uttered “Isaac is not with me. A terrible sickness has befallen him. I was going to be with him, but insist he may that I push forward”. Garet’s face dropped. “Oh…that’s a shame, he is as purple as they come. Well my blessing be with him”. I nodded.

We stood silent for a moment, letting the breeze caress our pain. Our pain.

“Well come on in then” he urged me “we won’t let bad news spoil some good cider. I bet your tired from your journey. Come come. Let me fix you up some tea”.

Again I nodded. I thought I’d be able to forget what happened. Block it out of my mind. Maybe one day it truly will become a distance dream. After everything, it wasn’t my fault…was it? Garet showed me up a path which led to his house. In the dining room there was another man sitting in the corner. It was too dark to make out his face. I felt I’d seen him elsewhere. He was perfectly still, his eyes fixed on outer space.

“Go on in son, don’t worry, he won’t bite” Garet said reassuring me into the dining room.

Nervously walking in I seated myself at the dining table. Garet then poured me a cup of tea then left the room to get the sugar.

I looked again at the odd man in the corner. Plucking up all my courage I asked “Kind fellow, what is it that troubles you?”

He looked up. I still couldn’t make out his face, but his eyes. I knew those eyes They seemed to be red. Half smiling the man stared dead into my eyes.

A cold emotionless voice sounded “It is I that troubles you…Erasmus”.

My cup slipped out of my hand. I didn’t move. I was just still. All fear rushed to my body drowning all the love inside of me.

“I could only find brown sugar so I hope-Oh no you’ve spilt the tea. Let me go clean that up” Garet barked.

But I didn’t seem to hear anything. Just the sound of the world I once knew in dieing.

Drip. Drip.

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Don't worry if I write checks, I write rhymes.

timydamonkey

I like it overall, it's interesting, but here's a few things that I noticed. This is my first critique of anything, but here goes. Sorry if it doesn't make much sense:

Your tenses are a little confused there. 'Was now' should probably be 'is now', otherwise it contradicts itself, or maybe just 'was' or 'was then' if you're going for past tense. Maybe that's just me.

Quote:

Its easy for your mind to play tricks on you during the night, especially in the Nova forest.

'Its' should be 'It's'.

You're missing a full stop at the end of that line.

There should be a comma after 'responded'.

Probably should be either 'cold' or 'shivering', or even 'shivering with cold'.

'Unfornately' should be 'Unfortunately'.

Quote:

“A hooded rider” I replied still in shock

There should be a comma after 'rider'.

Earlier, you used a capital for 'nova'. Keep it consistent.

Quote:

“Oh jesuat! The cider is leaking.”

Jesuat? Is that sort of a play-on of 'Oh Jesus'?

The full stop after 'Regretfully' should be a comma.

'Darkness' doesn't need to be capitalized.

'my' should be 'me'.

My teachers tell me than you should end every speech or quotation with a piece of punctuation - full stop, question mark, exclamation mark, comma - any of them. You might want to take a look at that.

'fly's' should be 'flies'.

'wearily' should be 'weary'.

That should probably be, 'Disrespectful I am.'

I don't think the repetition is necessary. To me it might make a bit more sense if it was, 'my pain. Our pain.'

'distance' should be 'distant'.

You're missing a full stop after 'eyes'.

There should be a comma after 'smiling'.

'love' seems a bit out of place. Maybe 'warmth' or something would fit better, but that's a matter of opinion.

There should be a comma after 'no'.

The 'in' is unnecessary, and 'dieing' should be 'dying'.

You might want to look at the speech a bit, as well. It's kind of confusing; they speak 'backwards' sometimes (eg. 'Curse before me dare you?'), but the rest of the time you don't. Is that intentional?

I particularly like the 'drip. drip' effect, it gives consistensy and keeps it linked together, for lack of a better phrase. Very nice!

And I think I've rambled on for long enough...

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For your reading pleasure (or horror):

My Fire: Prologue

My Fire is a rewrite of a previous fic of the same title, which, at the time, was about an assassin. It is mainly told in first person, though third person will probably come up, and the bits saved from the original (that will undergo heavy editing) are all in second person. All in all, it's a mixed bag.

My writing style is highly unusual, mostly because my writing style is mostly influenced by Chuck Palahniuk.

Blackhawk_t

I gave a critique on the first one of this story you posted. The same name and everything.....refer to that one.

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