Kira the wanderer

Ch. 2

The bastards came again, those wretched fools! I have been banished by their society, by their laws of human nature that exceed my own. What more could they ask of me? What more torture and curses could they wish upon me? What crimes have I committed, if not for this monstrous inhuman shell of a body? The next time those people come with their burning sticks and stones to throw, I will have their heads and there is nobody who will stop me or dare to avenge their deaths! I am the essence of their fear and it’s about time I take that and turn it into power. I don’t think I can live much longer… my days are slowly being numbered one by one just as they told me they would before I was banished to this hell. My heart bleeds in the daylight.

It was noon and in an unprecedented event, he was awake with the rest of the world, but nowhere near the light that they could dwell in. Furiously at his desk, he was scribbling in his unconnected sloppy handwriting most resembling that of the devil’s… or so he was constantly told and reminded in the back his mind. In his deepest despair, he believed he was the devil himself.

Rudely awakened that morning, the man had found himself again at the hands of the village folk who were convinced that this time they would wipe this unfathomable creature from all existence and end his reign of terror.

Shattering into many thin slivers, across his small sitting room glass dotted all over the floor, glittering in the sunlight that trailed behind it. The dark smell of embers and smoke fumed in shortly after and with his keen sense of smell, sleep was instantaneously thrown off him. Again cornered by the mobs… again trapped in the shadows, unable to take a step into the light and ward them off… once more a prisoner at their mercy. But once the pitiful fools took but a single step onto his terrain, as though nighttime lived there during the day, no more was he restrained by the chains of darkness and freely did at his will what he wanted to, expelling them from his holy land.

It was spoken about all morning in the village, once those broken men returned as pale as ghosts and as roughed up as an animal’s prey lucky to escape its fate. Stories poured out of their mouths as dribble and some sort of derangement of truth telling the tale, horrifying the women and small children.

“He will come and kill us all in time!” Some said.

“That is no man, but a monster who lusts for blood to consume! He’s a bloodsucker! I saw his face, as ghastly white as any vampire’s and with eyes so dark there could be no soul left in that empty shell of a body!” Another boasted his heroic tale.

“Never go near that forest, children! It will steal your souls and lock them away forever! You will be just as damned as that devil himself!”

Not even a small child of innocence was immune to the grotesque and bone chilling myths of the demon of the night, as they called him. It was said that the creature preyed upon human blood to live and could never could he touch daylight, or else he would melt if not concealed by his magical cloak. With the heads of his victims, he would dangle them on the trees of the forest to feed the demons. The men claimed, that he would leave their carcasses for the wild bears that he had under his devious control. Not a soul would step foot into the forest of death.

No man or child doubted the tales since a certain November day. While hunting for their bountiful feast in the last few weeks of that chilly month, village men as brave as could be, came back as withered broken mortals never to speak again. On the rare occasions words did escape their trembling lips, they spoke only of the dangling skulls of their fallen comrades they knew he had hung, the horrors that haunted them until an early, cursed, death. Since then, any horse that got loose into the forest would never be chased after, any child who may have wandered in was a lost cause and immediately was prayed for as though dead, and everyone took heed of the superstitions about the demon of the night.

But inside the labyrinth forest, past the tall barricaded fence that guarded all his property, and inside that shabby long-neglected log house, he remained untouched by the world. Standing up from his table, he strolled over to a filthy cabinet, taking out a bottle Plopping back down into his chair, the man poured from it a thick, dark red, liquid.

“Damn!” He cursed under his breath, as his last candle went out leaving him alone to a perpetual darkness. Nearly every window in the house was either boarded up or banished by the thickest cloth he could find, not let the sunlight come in. It had become quite the enemy for him, while the embracing darkness caressed his features, and hid his true identity from even himself. Fiddling for a match his fingers groped around, and then when finally getting the little devil, the man carefully sent the wick aflame once more.

His large hand tightened around the glass as he slowly drank with large hungry gulps, hastily slamming the empty cup back on the table as he licked his sharp pointy eyeteeth. His fingers rapidly tapped against dusty table with a quickening pace, until he became so bored with himself, he rose to return to his work, leaving the dishes he from which he ate on the table with the bottle.


Shoving his trash and books aside with his long muscular leg, the man made a pathway for himself back to his desk. On his wall hung a broken looking-glass, with seven large cracks aiming out from the center where it was stuck. The man passed it, happening to glance upon the cursed item that showed what he would not let the rest of humanity see. He stopped, and stared in with his dark sullen eyes at the fractured reflection, moving his large scarred right hand through his hair. That hair which was so greasy, most likely flea ridden as well, was the darkest shade of black, and tangled down to the jaw line wild and overgrown. Though just a few months back, it was his natural color of brown, he took no notice for self-grooming. It was a pointless and unruly habit, he saw, with but no use at all other than to impress the world— that was the one thing this creature did not even dare to wish. Staring at that long ghastly pale face in the candlelight and into those dark crusted eyes as dark brown as mud, anger brewed at the reminder of what he was.

Damn, damn, damn the accursed body of mine! Damn this disgusting existence of mine! His tormented thoughts raced on as he unconsciously rose his fist to strike the looking-glass yet again, but slowly he forced himself to calm down and turned away from his blind fury deciding to shove himself deep into his work instead.

Just as his hand reached out to a feathered pen lying aimlessly on its side he heard from the depths of the forest a screech like no other-- a loud high pitched cry of shear terror sending him a heartbeat off. With attention caught, for a moment the man looked up from his desk intensely listening for any trespassers onto his land assuming the reason for the cry. But when none other followed, his mind soon dwelled elsewhere soon forgetting that trifle interruption as his pen quickly started scribbling a diagram of yet another thought he had floating around in his mind for quite some time. His soul, if he had one after all this time, left his body and was poured into this task. Flowing from his hand like an art, the young man dipped his feathery pen into the small cup of ink quickly scribbling away, adding detail, after detail and small calculations down on a piece of scrap parchment making sure each and every number was correct. Those hours passed by exceeding time taking away.
It was not until the sun had started set and one of the last of his many candles died out that his hand stopped moving in bewilderment. He paused and looked up from his work in confusion.

“Has so much time passed already? And here I am, already out of candles…” He pushed the pile of melted wax stubs no longer useful to him off the table. Rubbing his eyes, he threw his head back in exhaustion letting out a soft single sigh.

In a moment, the curtain was pulled back to let the last bit of daylight sink in and illuminate his way to the box of fresh candles on the other side of the room. Bending over, hunched in the back regardless to posture, he grabbed several only to drop them in sudden shock of yet another bloodcurdling cry, this time with the loud sound of a horse as well.

Annoyed, the man snatched his cloak from a crooked hat rack that he had carelessly knocked over. Whirling it around his body, and flipping over the hood as he barged to the front of his dark log house, the young man stormed out. By now, shadows were dancing around the ground creating illusions in faint glistening of light still visible in the ever color changing sky, lingering on until the sun was no longer visible, as was now, with a faint tip at the horizon.

Someone lingers in my forest of death… who can it be? What fool would dare to show themselves here, disrupting my eternal solitude? I had given them one chance before, ignoring their insolent cries but now I have had enough! The more he thought the angrier he became, assuming it could be but only the angry men from the morning trying their luck with him yet again. How he would show them! How foolish they were!

His footsteps were light and quick, the trees were his shield from any prying eyes, and his cloak was the barrier from the rays of light still crawling through the trees. He stopped and listened. A neigh from a horse came only a few feet ahead of him, behind the sheltering harmony of a nearby thicket. Swiftly jumping up and grabbing a low branch the man easily pulled himself up into a tree spying on this unforgivable perpetrator who dared to enter his forest!
But quickly the scowl on his face was subdued and his tightly clenched fists weakened as his propped himself up against the large bark in that concealing tree. Down below a woman, just a woman, stumbled on her feet wobbling to-and-fro clutching her head seeming to be slipping in and out of consciousness.

“A… woman?” He breathed uncertainly, now coming back to his senses. He watched her fall to her feet and her silver horse throwing his head far from her. A frown was now coming visible on that pale scrawny face, for a moment he considered to leave her alone. Leaping down from that tree returning in the direction of his home his guilt caught up with him, perhaps it was this that was the last part of his humanity, and he turned from the sight of his lonesome house, returning to that helpless woman.

As though shy, he peeked from the trees keeping his presence secret until realizing that no longer was she on her feet. He scurried quickly with that cat walk of his, still with his cloak wrapped around his being making him more of a phantom than man.

All that she saw now through her blurry fading vision was a tall dark shadow standing over her, first thinking it was the angel of death. It might as well had been, in her opinion. She had figured later on, once her senses were regained, for the fate that sealed them together was hell itself— becoming a slave to the demon of the night seemed the only reason of life after that point in time.

Jelly-Beanz-Rule

What is he? I like this story, and i love the way it's written. Keep it up.

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Rayner

Hey I'm back for part two and am still enjoying it. You have a really intressting and mysterious character. It'll be intresting to discover what he is...
Found some small grammer errors.

Quote:

What crimes have I committed, if not for this monstrous inhuman shell of a body!

Comma after if.

Comma after room.

To expel sounds a little awkward here, try something like, and would expel.

The he is really just an opinion because it would make it sound better, but not really nesscary. comma after daylight.

I think you ment feast. i think your missing a word before other.

I'm not quite sure I know what eyeteeth are, was that just a spelling error or intentional?

Need a comma after mud and it is probbably a good idea to add an and

Comma after away and deatail.

That looks like alot, but its not anything major, just some commas and such. Anyway I like I said, I'm enjoying it! Hope this helped.

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Critique these if you want, and I'll critique yours. (PM me if you have something specific)
Balance: I, II, III, IV, V, VI , VII

TheReMonstor

Hey, alright Raynor! Finally got that "Quote" brackets thing down, huh? Nice crit., btw, glad to see more people crit. and not so much begging for their stories to be read. Kalibantre put it well in here post in "A Western".

Sorry about popping my head in for nothing, I'll get to reading it soon, I promise.

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Kira the wanderer

Thank you so much! These critiques mean so much to me, and I will fix the grammer later. Thank you for pointing that out. Rayner, eyeteeth are those pointy teeth on the top row of your mouth. They are typically where the "fangs" of a vampire are, I'm pretty sure they are the same teeth.

I see that my usage of commas definately needs improving. I'll try to weed out the mistakes before posting again. I'm hoping more people will continue reading as the story progresses.

As for what he is... well its hinted at and mentioned but not explained for a while. I would like your minds to wander on that. Keep reading to find out.

buried

Nice work on chapter two. I like the way we get a first person glimpse of him in his writing. Then you use a third person narrative to take us through the story. One thing, though, is the narrator becomes more pronounced in the story. Example: "His soul, if he had one," Who is telling the story?

Also, some of the sentences are confusing and unpuncutated:
Remaining still quick with annoyance the man snatched his cloak from a crooked hat rack
Maybe: Annoyed, he snatched his cloak from a crooked hat rack ....

I like where you're headed with this. I would like it to go a little deeper into his thoughts.

Kira the wanderer

Yes, I know my sentences are a little unstructured. I'll fix them as I go along and catch them. its mostly because of missing commas. I'll fix that one in a sec. I'm off to post the next chapter. Thanks for staying tuned, I hope you take a look at the next ones.

Oasis Writer

Hey, I'm finally here. Woohoo! Very good story, I'm liking it. It is so much reminding me of Beauty and the Beast, which I guess is good, because that story sold lots. And this is easily different, but can relate, so good work. Here's all I caught and it was all grammar. Don't worry about it.

Quote:

The next time those people come with their burning sticks and stones to throw, (Comma) I will have their heads and there is nobody who will stop me or dare to avenge their deaths!

Just a comma. Now, most of all I found was comma's, so all of this is just the red when you read.

Quote:

It was noon and in an unprecedented event, (Comma) he was awake with the rest of the world, but nowhere near the light that they could dwell in. Furiously at his desk, (Comma) he was scribbling in his unconnected sloppy handwriting most resembling that of the devil’s, or so he was constantly told and reminded in the back his mind.

Just the red.

Quote:

Rudely awakened that morning, (Comma) he had found himself again at the hands of the village folk who were convinced that this time they would wipe this unfathomable creature from all existence and end his reign of terror.

Just the comma.

Quote:

Not even a small child of innocence was immune to the grotesque and bone chilling myths of the ‘demon of the night’, as they called him. He preyed upon human blood to live, never could touch daylight, or else he would melt if not concealed by his magical cloak, and with the heads of his victims, (Comma) he dangles them on the trees of the forest to feed the demons.

The comma, and I think the comma and the quotation should be switched. ( ,' )

Quote:

Since then, (Comma) any horse that got loose into the forest would never be chased after, any child who may have wondered in was a lost cause immediately prayed for as though dead, and everyone took heed of the superstitions about the creature of death.

Just the comma.

Quote:

Standing up from his table, (Comma) he strolled over to a filthy cabinet and took out a bottle.

Comma.

Quote:

Nearly every window in the house was either boarded up or banished by the thickest cloth he could find as to not let the sunlight come in, it had become quite the enemy for him, (Comma) while on the other hand, (Comma) darkness embraces the features and hides true identities.

Just the comma's.

Quote:

His fingers rapidly tapped against dusty table faster and faster until he became so bored with himself, (Comma) he rose to return to his work, leaving the dishes he ate from on the table with the bottle.

Comma.

Quote:

Though just a few months back, (Comma) it was his natural color of brown he took no notice for self grooming, finding it a pointless and unruly habit with but no use at all other than to impress the world— and that was the one thing this creature did not even dare to wish. But staring at that long ghastly pale face in the candlelight and into those dark crusted eyes as brown as mud, and anger brewed at the reminder of what he was.

The comma, and candle light can be candlelight.

Quote:

But when none other followed, (Comma) his mind soon dwelled elsewhere soon forgetting that trifle interruption as his pen quickly started scribbling a diagram of yet another thought he had floating around in his mind for quite some time.

Just the comma.

Quote:

Flowing from his hand like an art, (Comma) he dipped his feathery pen into the small cup of ink quickly scribbling away adding detail, after detail, and small calculations down on a piece of scrap parchment making sure each and every number was correct.

Comma.

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Oasis Writer

And yes, I had to break apart the crit, too many comma's. Don't worry about here. Here you go.

Quote:

Rubbing his eyes, (Comma) he threw his head back in exhaustion letting out a soft single sigh.

Comma.

Quote:

In a moment, (Comma) the curtain was pulled back to let the last bit of daylight sink in and illuminate his way to the box of fresh candles on the other side of the room. Bending over hunched in the back regardless to posture, (Comma) he grabbed several only to drop them in sudden shock of yet another bloodcurdling cry, this time with the loud sound of a horse as well.

The commas.

Quote:

Remaining still quick with annoyance, (Comma) the man snatched his cloak from a crooked hat rack that he had carelessly thrown over and wisped it around his body, flipping over the hood as he barged to the front of his dark lowly log house. By now, (Comma) shadows were dancing around the ground creating illusions in faint glistening of light still visible in the ever color changing sky, lingering on till the sun was no longer visible as was now a faint tip at the horizon.

Commas.

Quote:

The more he thought, (Comma) the angrier he became assuming it could be but only the angry men from the morning trying their luck with him yet again.

Comma.

Quote:

A frown was now coming visible on that pale scrawny face and for a moment, (Comma) he considered to leave her alone.

Comma.

Quote:

It might as well had been in her opinion. (Period) She figured later on once her senses were regained for the fate that sealed them together was hell itself— becoming a slave to the demon of the night seemed the only reason of life after that point in time.

Start a new sentence there.
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Otherwise, a very good chapter and it diffenitly lighting up Beauty and the Beast for me, so I'll be on to more soon to see if it really clicks that or if it's going to be different. Very good story, just all grammar stuff I found.

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Serenade

I'm enjoying it so far. Here's what I found:

Doesn't make sense, the first part of the sentence doesn't go with the second. Maybe change "But staring" to just "he stared"?

Fury.

Nothing big here. Just might want to vary up the vocab a bit, because you use angry twice.

You switch tenses. I don't know if its on purpose or not, but it doesn't sound right.

I really do like it though, it's very engaging. I wanna know what the hell the guy is also. Moving on to the next chapter.

Kira the wanderer

Oh god. V_V My grammer got so bad the corrections couldn't fit in one post. Thanks Oasis, Serenade, everybody....

But I'm glad you like it so far. This will, hopefully, change from its Beauty and the Beast-like course.

Danny77

Easy on the exclamation points. The more that are used, the less impact they have

id take out the "All across the floor,"



This kind of confused me, Id break that up into more than one sentence, or reword it.


Again reword that or break it up.

You dont need both "The story goes on", and "the men claimed." Just one will suffice.



Eyeteeth? Is that a typo, or something explained later?



This was an alright read. You had a LOT of run-on sentences that need to be seperated and slowed down, if you get my meaning. Also, like I pointed out earlier, the exclamation point is used a bit excessively. There are also quite a few punctuation errors, but if you go back and read it you cna probably find them yourself.

This has got a good mystery to it, but at first its kind of long talking about this and that, and nothing physical really happening. It just kind of drags on. I think if you work in and out of what he physical does and thinks, or what they think, it would flow much smoother.

Good luck!

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The Salad Bar Game

Kira the wanderer

Thanks for your imput on this. I have a few problems with chapters, this one being one of them. They get a lot more interesting. Actually you're the not the first to wonder what eyeteeth are. I'm shocked that you and Oasis didn't know what they were. An eyetooth is the pointy tooth where a vampire "fang" usually is, typically it is the fang. I'll definately try to make this more itneresting I don't want to loose anybody because it drags on.

Blackhawk_t

Awesome, Awesome, Awesome work. I'm starting to like this guy. He's such a softy. LOL

Nicely done, you can't help but want to read more. I was actually upset when I got to the end, because I wanted to keep going.

Should that be mortals?

Should that be wandered? I would also recommend a comma or something after cause....for a break in the sentence.

Should be fury...or should it. Told you he was a softy.

Loved this chapter...nicely done.

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